Cyber-cheating. Is It Really Cheating?

[Dribble]

More justifications. Lol.

No one cares what you do because you are unimportant. You asked specific questions...they were answered specifically. You complain about the answers in essence claiming to be more enlightened...yet your refusal to allow differing opinions than yours without criticism says the opposite.

Ben's comment was spot on.

 

[Mav Unlimited]

Your question should be to yourself: Are you okay with it?

 

[JohnsonLongwood]

More justifications. Lol.

No one cares what you do because you are unimportant. You asked specific questions...they were answered specifically. You complain about the answers in essence claiming to be more enlightened...yet your refusal to allow differing opinions than yours without criticism says the opposite.

Ben's comment was spot on.

Actually, I've been trying to generalize toward a bigger picture view that considers the set of all possible relationships and their contexts rather than examining the issue through the lens of specific individual examples. I have thanked people for their differing opinions even as I've attempted to broaden the perspective of the dialog.

I did warn at the beginning about a moral debate about fidelity and asked for consideration of "people's reasons and expectations in being active here without judgement".

 

[AveryElle]

More justifications. Lol.

No one cares what you do because you are unimportant. You asked specific questions...they were answered specifically. You complain about the answers in essence claiming to be more enlightened...yet your refusal to allow differing opinions than yours without criticism says the opposite.

Ben's comment was spot on.

Bingooooo

 

[AveryElle]

Exactly.

“Tell me what I’m doing is not cheating because I don’t want it to beeeee…”
Can your lit friend go out to lunch with you and your wife? No?
That is your answer.

Well, sometimes that’s not cheating. I would have lunch with you and my husband but in my sexual relationships, ‘worlds’ don’t overlap. I’m not hanging out with my ex that I kept having sex with and my husband. Or alpine and my husband. Some more open relations have different boundaries. I’m not poly, he’s not poly - we don’t want our sex lives overlapping socially. We have firm boundaries. But that doesn’t make it cheating. If that’s what you were getting at?

 

[AveryElle]

Actually, I've been trying to generalize toward a bigger picture view that considers the set of all possible relationships and their contexts rather than examining the issue through the lens of specific individual examples. I have thanked people for their differing opinions even as I've attempted to broaden the perspective of the dialog.

I did warn at the beginning about a moral debate about fidelity and asked for consideration of "people's reasons and expectations in being active here without judgement".

It’s impossible to consider this through all possible relationship styles. Everyone’s is different. If you agreed, before friends and family (and God, if you’re into that) to be monogamous, then you can say what you want to justify your behavior to yourself. If your spouse isn’t on the same page, it’s not ‘ethical’.

I have a problem with the concept of ‘ethnically non-monogamy’ as a label because that implies anything outlined differently by its proponents isn’t ethnical. Anything adults consensually agree to is ethical - but it’s 10% not ethical to change the status of your relationship without consulting and agreeing with your spouse. ‘The parameters of our relationship changed’ doesn’t matter unless you’ve renegotiated your own boundaries as a couple, together.

Everyone on lit knows each person in a relationship on here has three sides to their story. Using the term fidelity implies honesty and if you’re not being honest with your partner, the fidelity isn’t there. That’s cheating. But no one here REALLY cares. If they did, the boards wouldn’t be as active as they are. Just don’t go telling people ‘it’s all about communication’ while at the same time indicating to everyone you’re not communicating.

Good luck, though. It sounds like you’re struggling with your behavior and how to mesh that with your marriage. Best of luck. I mean that.

 

[AveryElle]

You speak about it and he knows to an extent. It’s not the same thing.

He knows vague things not who. I am doing my best to keep intimacy with different people it’s own thing. That’s not, to us, cheating. I don’t wanna know who he’s been with and I don’t want him to know who ive been with. That’s our style but it’s not cheating.

 

[PattiJolene]

I appreciate the thoughts and comments. From individual perspectives in the context of personal experience and expectations, looking one at a time at each tree in the forest that way, they are spot on. But it's a big forest. Not all relationships are the same and assumptions of normalcy cannot be assumed universally.

I knew a woman many years ago on an xxx dating site who's husband had told her that she had gotten too old and fat for sex. When, in frustration, she suggested she'd find a young man to satisfy her and he said she'd never find any who'd want to she joined that dating site. And she proved to herself many times that she was still quite desirable. For her own reasons she stayed in the marriage and I respected her for that as only she knows what's best for her. (I lived far away so, no, we never did.) She did not share her secret life with her husband. Given that one can make an argument that his treatment of her was psychologically abusive her secrecy may well be justified, but that's her call to make, not mine. It's a big world and everyone's circumstances are different.

If it's all in one's own mind it's not cheating seems to be somewhat accepted. It's just wishful cheating. Now. if one masturbates to orgasm while fantasizing about, say, a heartthrob celebrity, is that still not cheating? Or does the act of having an orgasm without one's partner, depriving them of enjoying it as well, count as cheating?

Good thread....thanks for starting it. It interesting to see everyone's opinion.
Before l go any further l had to comment on this post first of all. This infuriates me when l read things like this....A man that can say that to his wife is not a man in my eyes...he's a pig, How could you say that to someone married and vowed to spend the rest of your life with" you are to fat and old" grrrrr.....l was discussed when l read this...No matter how your body changes over the yrs it's still the same soul inside you fell in love with. Physical attraction l think is the problem with so many marriages...Guys grow older loose their hair, women have babies and loose their shape and suddenly that person you married is different in appearance and you aren't attracted to them anymore so your interest fades....it's so very sad.

Yes l think it cheating in many ways.....its maybe not that severe and maybe the impact on the hurt of your partner would not be as bad as the actual physical version but in my eye it's cheating.

 

[JohnsonLongwood]

Well, sometimes that’s not cheating. I would have lunch with you and my husband but in my sexual relationships, ‘worlds’ don’t overlap. I’m not hanging out with my ex that I kept having sex with and my husband. Or alpine and my husband. Some more open relations have different boundaries. I’m not poly, he’s not poly - we don’t want our sex lives overlapping socially. We have firm boundaries. But that doesn’t make it cheating. If that’s what you were getting at?

I think you are partly getting at it. The context of the relationship (as opposed to a stereotypical, general "marriage") is important in answering the question. There was a question of "if she did it to me would I think it was cheating?" The question as phrased related only to the actions. I said "if circumstances were reversed", that is if the context was also reversed, then I would not.

 

[JohnsonLongwood]

Good thread....thanks for starting it. It interesting to see everyone's opinion. ...

Thanks for the comments. Viewed from your perspective I can understand them.

Just a reminder, though. When I started this thread I was talking about the attitude of the married friend I had been playing with. I didn't mention my own marital status until much later in the thread. Yet most comments have been aimed at "you" (me) not "she". Interesting assumptiveness.

Hypothetically, if I had conditions that rendered me physically unable to have sex without severe pain and my wife were so attentive to my needs without ever making me feel I'm a burden to her so much so that I boasted to people that she's the "gold standard" of caregiving I would not consider her on-line play cheating. I'd feel she deserves to have the fun I can't give her. I wouldn't want to know though as it would only remind me of my inadequacy.

Just sayin...

 

[AveryElle]

‘I would not consider it cheating’ isn’t the same as ‘we talked it out and together decided it was permissible’

 

[JohnsonLongwood]

‘I would not consider it cheating’ isn’t the same as ‘we talked it out and together decided it was permissible’

No it would not be the same and I appreciate the thought in that particular context.

 

[JohnsonLongwood]

A question:

If a person kills another person, by gun shot, or stabbing, or strangulation, or whatever, is that murder and is it a sin (morally wrong)?

"Absolutely! 'Thou shalt not kill' means just that. It is a sin before god and a crime before our community." So say some, perhaps most. This is a literal viewpoint. We see the trees.

"But wait!" others say. "That man is a soldier who killed an enemy soldier in performance of his duty defending his countrymen in a "legal" war. It is neither a crime nor a sin." This is a more abstract viewpoint. We see the forest.

Context and perspective really do matter.

Getting back to my original observation and question, I accepted her position on it as being right for her in the context of her relationship and it's dynamics and from her perspective as she presented it to me. I'm here to have playful interactions not play Dr. Phil to my friend's relationships or judge theirs through the lens of my own.

 

[AlpineFresco]

I actually don't think "how would you feel if she were doing it?" is an especially relevant question, because it's still not taking your partner's point of view into account. What kind of relationship has she consented to? Anything outside that... consent has not been given.

The core issue is one that I don't think you've yet addressed (although forgive me if you have, and I've just missed it) - what are your partner's feelings (as conveyed by her) on the matter of your activities? That's really it. If she's not been asked, it's cheating - all context and perspective come after that. It may be cheating with additional context, but it's still cheating. But, if you disagree and you're totally convinced it isn't really cheating, then just ask her outright her thoughts, as you've nothing to fear.

 

[AveryElle]

A question:

If a person kills another person, by gun shot, or stabbing, or strangulation, or whatever, is that murder and is it a sin (morally wrong)?

"Absolutely! 'Thou shalt not kill' means just that. It is a sin before god and a crime before our community." So say some, perhaps most. This is a literal viewpoint. We see the trees.

"But wait!" others say. "That man is a soldier who killed an enemy soldier in performance of his duty defending his countrymen in a "legal" war. It is neither a crime nor a sin." This is a more abstract viewpoint. We see the forest.

Context and perspective really do matter.

Getting back to my original observation and question, I accepted her position on it as being right for her in the context of her relationship and it's dynamics and from her perspective as she presented it to me. I'm here to have playful interactions not play Dr. Phil to my friend's relationships or judge theirs through the lens of my own.

1) did you really just compare any of that to combat? I don’t know, but if you did that, it’s ignorant as fuck to the hundreds of thousands of people suffering from PTSD because of combat deployments.

2) you’re not here to play Dr Phil but YOU ASKED THR QUESTIONS!

 

[Dribble]

If one wants generality...don't ask specific questions. Changing the rules mid-game isn't playing the game. It is playing a new game...which is also known as justification

 

[SPARTAN047]

Friendly texting? Nothing wrong with it. If your spouse is upset at that, get them to delete all their friends from their phone. If not, they're the hypocrite.

Dirty texting? Did you and your SO agree to an open relationship? Are you secretly enjoying the attention another person gives you? Nowadays it can even be someone of the same sex. Are you hiding the texts from your spouse, locking your phone, putting app locks on everything, and acting suspicious? In short, would you be upset if your SO did what you're doing to you? You're a cheater and a hypocrite.

Gender isn't relevant. And people can get very jealous and angry when their SO does this even if they're giving their time, attention, cock, pussy and asshole to someone else. Their jealousy isn't proof of anything.

 

[jimmyturtleman]

It's not really cheating if we're just pretending, is it?

I woman I know here let me know at the start of our chats that she likes to play but doesn't meet men and cheat on her husband. The great distance between our homes makes that a moot point between the two of us regardless. She did want to establish that as her personal limit and I respect that. But it doesn't count as cheating if it's only make believe. Though I didn't expect it, we've been quite intimately naughty together in PM's and video chat and picture sharing, fantasizing about the things we would do if we could.

So I wonder, what do other's here think about this. Without sparking a moral debate about fidelity, given people's reasons and expectations in being active here without judgement, what are your boundaries? Where do (or would) you draw the line between real life cheating and fantasy and make believe and wishful dreaming?

It becomes a matter of semantics. Some would say, yes, it's cheating, while others, describe it, at worst a breach of one's trust in the other. Be prepared for a 'shit storm' if your partner finds out. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

 

[Coyote100]

It becomes a matter of semantics. Some would say, yes, it's cheating, while others, describe it, at worst a breach of one's trust in the other. Be prepared for a 'shit storm' if your partner finds out. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

I agree with you completely, and my ex- can tell you what a shit storm is like.

 

[VamPal1]

Pretty sure if Lit had been around when I was married & my husband was using it to talk to women I would have left his ass a lot sooner.