Curious

[Soukie]

Hi all,

I'm a 21 year old female and I've been interested in BDSM in the past before. I asked my ex boyfriend to be violent toward me during sex and I told him of my fantasies about being treated really badly. However, when he finally agreed to do it, I became very hurt, emotional and upset; after that, I wanted nothing to do with him because I felt so bad and used, even though it was me that suggested he do this. A good friend of mine said that it may have something to do with my abusive childhood.

I suppose I am just looking for some advice; I am still turned on by BDSM but it also upsets me a lot too. Can anyone help?

 

[drksentinel1]

well, if you've been abused, my first suggestion is that you find a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist and have a few discussions with them about that. and i know that a lot of people will feed you that as kind of a default response ("you were abused as a child?" *gasp!* "you need therapy!") but in this case, it's very easy, psychologically speaking, to cross the wires between what you're doing for fun (bdsm and rough play) and what happened to you before.

i cant really speak for your situation, because i havent been trained in that regard, and the best evidence i have is anecdotal, but i have played with a girl who had endured some emotional and physical abuse in her life, and while she's able to separate play and memories of her abuse 99% of the time, there have been occasions where she's been pushed to and/or gone to those places. i'm fortunate in that she trusts me as much as she does, so i was able to console her and help her through it.

so my advice is, talk to someone who knows what the hell they're talking about (and dont be shy. in general, those professionals arent going to judge you and they'll do what they can to help), play with someone you really trust, both during and after you get this stuff worked out, and take it slow.

 

[Soukie]

Seeing a professional is out of the question; it's not something I am prepared to do. I have a close friend I can talk to about the past, therefore, I am not keeping it bottled up, but I won't talk to a stranger about it, whether they are a professional or not.

 

[drksentinel1]

well, i can understand that. it's very much a matter of whether you're ready to make that leap or not, and/or if you need to. i know lots of people either never reach a point of readiness or dont feel they need to.

is it safe to assume that your friend knows what happened, both in the past and your recent experience with rough play? if so, and/or you're willing to talk to them, then do so. figure out where things overlap and how to avoid and/or work through said problems.

also, not every man is really built for rough play. you can play rough, and be violent and all that business without necessarily being mean or cruel in a hurtful way. i mean, it's easy to draw the line of "well, abuse as a child? problems with rough play? bam, flashback." but that may not be the case. maybe this particular scene didnt go the way you wanted, or the way you expected.

there's a huge psychological component to it, and it may just be a nuts and bolts thing. was he too mean and too cruel? did you not feel cared for before, during, and after? was he too rough and caused you pain you didnt want, enjoy, or ask for? i mean, it's tough to really say how to fix it and proceed with only knowing what happened in really general terms (not that i'm asking you to detail a painful experience you had for perfect strangers, because i'm not). but i think my advice still stands. talk about what happened and figure out what you can learn from the experience, play with someone you trust, and take it slow.

 

[FurryFury]

Yes, you should seek therapy with a kink aware and friendly therapist.

Further you shouldn't tell someone to be "violent" with you during sex unless you both sit down and really define what you mean, at which points you feel bad and at which points you feel good about what you'd like. The average person to whom these ideas are new are likely to take your yearnings the wrong way and thus dangerous and hurtful things are quite possibly going to occur.

This needs to be a slow, and very open for both individuals process of exploring. If you are not willing to communicate openly and well then what the other person thinks you want could be very wrong.

Talking with your confidant is great and it serves a person but it's not therapy. Until you take responsibility for and get a handle on your own triggers you should not be telling X person to be violent with you during sex.

You've gotten good advice above. Now listen to it.

 

[CutieMouse]

What you essentially did was punish your ex for giving you what you asked for. Now you may not have communicated your desires clearly, or maybe his idea of "violent/hurtful" was different than yours, but in the end you punished him for following your request. The odds of continuing thus pattern are high unless you start taking ownership of your wants/needs/desires.

I won't necessarily jump on the therapy bandwagon, but I would suggest educating yourself about BDSM (if that's what you want), improving your communication skills, Etc. You may be intentionally recreating past abuses or have self worth issues, or you may not... I look at this as a bigger "how to have healthy relationships?" issue, than a BDSM issue.

 

[JMohegan]

Yes, you should seek therapy with a kink aware and friendly therapist.

Further you shouldn't tell someone to be "violent" with you during sex unless you both sit down and really define what you mean, at which points you feel bad and at which points you feel good about what you'd like. The average person to whom these ideas are new are likely to take your yearnings the wrong way and thus dangerous and hurtful things are quite possibly going to occur.

This needs to be a slow, and very open for both individuals process of exploring. If you are not willing to communicate openly and well then what the other person thinks you want could be very wrong.

Talking with your confidant is great and it serves a person but it's not therapy. Until you take responsibility for and get a handle on your own triggers you should not be telling X person to be violent with you during sex.

You've gotten good advice above. Now listen to it.

*applause*

 

[clock1]

Fury had excellent advice, but recognizing your reluctance to see a professional cutie mouse offers a great self help solution. Both of these posters are sources of excellent advice over and over on these boards.

That being said it appears you might have a bit of self destructive tendencies (perhaps residue from childhood abuse) and you sought and found a "partner" for these destructive activities. Now, with him at hand you could punish him, something you were never able to to to your childhood abusers. BDSM should be fun between consenting partners, not therapy. I know there are those who use it as such, but ultimately this ends up being unfair, and frequently damaging to the "unsuspecting" partner. As others have said, communication is essential, beginning, middle, end, and every step between.

Good luck, I hope you find what you are looking for without hurting yourself or others. (Unless planned for in advance of course