Cuckold or Hotwifing, is there a difference?

[WolfKry]

I enjoy sharing my wife.

Whether that is with a male or a female. Whether I am involved or not. Whether I'm present, watching or just hear about it after she comes home.

I don't enjoy humiliation. It's not my kink. Nor do I feel humiliated or any "less of a man" when my wife has her fun. It was never about that for me so I hesitate to call myself cuckold as I feel it holds this connotation..

Knowing that my wife is being pleased in every possible way; that her deepest and darkest desires are being met... this turns me on more than anything.

So, is there really a difference between cuckold and hotwife? I think there is.

 

[InterestingOne]

Hm, don't cucks like to watch and be locked in a chasity cage? So it sounds as if you're a hotwifing relationship.

 

[Thought30]

I believe you are highlighting ther agreed upon definition yourself:
Hotwifing is just sharing a sexually enthusiastic wife for everyone's pleasure
Cuckholding is same as above but there is a humilation aspect in the mix.
(not into that myself)

 

[KinkyMisfit]

Hello,

It seems like a lot of people think humiliation has to be tied to cuckolds and cuckolding. May I ask, why is this?

 

[haventdonethat]

I enjoy sharing my wife.

Whether that is with a male or a female. Whether I am involved or not. Whether I'm present, watching or just hear about it after she comes home.

I don't enjoy humiliation. It's not my kink. Nor do I feel humiliated or any "less of a man" when my wife has her fun. It was never about that for me so I hesitate to call myself cuckold as I feel it holds this connotation..

Knowing that my wife is being pleased in every possible way; that her deepest and darkest desires are being met... this turns me on more than anything.

So, is there really a difference between cuckold and hotwife? I think there is.

I do too.
I liked pleasuring my wife. So much so that I called it wife pleasuring. Never cared for the sharing craze, it was for her pleasure. Like you, it turned me on instantly.

 

[KinkyMisfit]

I think I disagree the generalized statement that cuckolds derive pleasure from being humiliated. Some might feel that way, but it’s not indicative of all cuckolds; it certainly isn’t a requirement. I think it more accurate to say cuckolds derive pleasure from being with a sexually free and adventurous woman.

A hotwife on these forums, whose perspective I highly respect, likes to use food analogies, so let’s do that. A pizza generally consists of some dough, sauce, and toppings. You can add any number of toppings, even sauces, to make your own personal pizza. I see humiliation as a topping, some may want to add it to their pizza (hotwife/cuckold relationship) and some may not. It doesn’t make or break the pizza, nor does it make a man more or less of a cuckold.

Thoughts?

 

[HumpDayHoratio]

Hello,

It seems like a lot of people think humiliation has to be tied to cuckolds and cuckolding. May I ask, why is this?

Because of the porn industry. It generated hits, so cuckolding/humiliation are one and the same In most peoples eyes.

Your assessment is spot on above. The Merriam-Webster definition is a man whose wife is unfaithful. Has been that way since the 13th century. In the traditional sense, the humiliation is derived from people finding out about his unfaithful spouse. Our modern twist is that the cuckold is an active participant in the humiliation.

I guess one could make the argument there is some overlap, but I tend to agree with your definition. If we had to put a bow on it!

 

[HumpDayHoratio]

To the OP’s original question, there is a great comparison in the Cuckold Research thread. Policywank gives a clinical breakdown. Much better than I can.

 

[JR284]

I agree with HumpDayHoratio. The porn industry and the internet tends to show the extremes and focuses a lot on hardcore humiliation, chastity, and seemingly a lot of race play as well when it comes to cuckolding. When my wife and I first got into the lifestyle, I was extremely defensive whenever someone would try to call me a cuck. Eventually however, I got over it. While neither my wife nor I are into any of the hardcore aspects of cuckolding, and we definitely lean more towards hotwifing, there are some aspects that some would consider more cuck-leaning. In the end, what someone classifies us as is irrelevant. We simply do what we enjoy and whether that's cuckolding or hotwifing, we don't really care. It's all fun.

 

[KinkyMisfit]

Not being an expert in non-monogamous relationships by any means of the imagination, I think it’s a matter of perspective. If a couple’s focus is mainly about a wife’s sexual freedom and desires with the cuckold being an accepting and supporting actor, a hotwifing relationships seems an appropriate identification. If the focus is on the cuckold’s desires and interests with the wife engaging in sexual opportunities to provide that pleasure and fulfillment, a cuckold relationship seems an appropriate identification. Of course those two choices (insert path, lifestyle, etc) can easily be interconnected and mutually supportive so maybe simply identifying as non-monogamous is a better fit. I see no reason it cannot be left at that and still be 100% accurate.

 

[lc69hunter]

As I may have mentioned before, when a lot younger, I spent about 20 years in the lifestyle. Most of what I saw was gentle teasing and humiliation by the wife, as it was a consensual and loving relationship. If I saw it going deeper, I bowed out of the relationship, as it was no longer about cuckolding but about fetish or even BDSM, and I wanted no part of that.

As for the hotwives scenario, (I never slept with her), but I knew a couple in a non-monogamous relationship (even before they were married). He called her a slut, but she was his slut. Anyway, one of the guys she slept with was one of those arrogant, big mouthed Pseudo Alpha males, and he decided to publicly disrespect, embarrass and humiliate the husband. The husband answered back that you can only embarrass or humiliate someone if they choose to be embarrassed and humiliated. He then said, "by the way, she said you were a lousy fuck anyway. You came too fast, refused to eat her pussy, and she had to feed you your own cum to get you hard again. She did say you had a nice ass, If you want to come over again, I could turn it into a boipussy." I stood there with my mouth open hearing that. That was such a comeback.

 

[magic_rat]

Hm, don't cucks like to watch and be locked in a chasity cage? So it sounds as if you're a hotwifing relationship.

There are no stereotypes.

 

[InterestingOne]

There are no stereotypes.

There are stereotypes. That's why the word "stereotype" exists.

 

[magic_rat]

You're an idiot. That's why the word 'idiot' exists.

The 'caged and watching' cuck represents a tiny niche of a sexual subgenre. A 'hotwife' may or may not be the partner of a cuck. If your wife is taking cock other than your own, regardless of whether you're tied to a chair and forced to watch, or it happens under your direction while you whip the fucking couple into a frenzy with a leather cat o' nine tails, you're technically a cuckold.

 

[InterestingOne]

You're an idiot. That's why the word 'idiot' exists.

The 'caged and watching' cuck represents a tiny niche of a sexual subgenre. A 'hotwife' may or may not be the partner of a cuck. If your wife is taking cock other than your own, regardless of whether you're tied to a chair and forced to watch, or it happens under your direction while you whip the fucking couple into a frenzy with a leather cat o' nine tails, you're technically a cuckold.

Yeah, that's the stereotype. I didn't make it up, so get over it

 

[policywank]

Personally I think that a hotwife is simply a woman who has sex with men other than her husband while her husband is exclusive to her (or perhaps where he occasionally has sex with other women as his hotwife permits/arranges). Meanwhile a cuckold is simply the husband of a hotwife. I don't claim to have the correct definition but let me provide a few reference points.

The traditional definition of a cuckold is "a man who's wife is having sex with other men, often regarded as an object of derision." The italicized portion of that definition speaks to how others regard the cuckold, not how the cuckold himself feels. Moreover these definitions are rooted in historical times when the patriarchy ruled, women weren't full persons, female sexual purity was highly valued and a wife was the lifelong possession of her husband. Of course the cuckold was regarded as an object of derision in these times because people simply could not imagine that it would be any other way. But what if the cuckold didn't feel humiliated by that derision? Does that make him any less a cuckold? Also note that in practice the wife and her lover generally were not actively seeking to humiliate the husband. Quite the opposite they were usually seeking to be discrete if for no other reason to avoid society's opprobrium (while the cuckold was deemed humiliated the wife and her lover were also poorly regarded).

It is true that porn tends to portray humiliation as part of being a cuckold. But since when is porn a reasonable representation of any aspect of sex or anything else in life? Using that as a reference point is like saying it isn't really interracial sex if it isn't a black man with a big cock fucking a white woman. If his cock is average size, she doesn't swoon in his presence or he doesn't completely dominate her, is it not interracial sex?

There is lots of literature, new and old that deals with the topic without all the extreme fetish overtones. Look at Men's Health which uses both terms - hotwife, cuckold - and discusses the subject maturely. It touches on humiliation being a potential motivation for the cuckold, but not the only nor the defining motivation. It has been a long time since I read either of Anna Karenina or War and Peace (Tolstoy literary masterpieces), but certainly in the former and I think in the latter as well there are sympathetic portrayals of cuckolds. The context there was Tsarist Russia at a time when women were entirely dependent upon their husbands for life and divorce was a path directly to destitution for any woman. The portrayal is of a couple who had fallen out of love or never were in love and the man was brave and strong enough to give his wife some latitude to take a lover since the alternative was for both to live in misery. It was not accepted by society who regarded him as a cuckold and object of derision (even if he also took lovers). Had he kept her under lock and key while he took mistresses that would have been deemed just fine, but that is another matter. I expect that character wouldn't have enjoyed the way society regarded him for failing to be a selfish, misogynist douche bag but any humiliation was the result of that societal pressure not the actions of his wife. And how he felt about the matter or what his motivations were didn't make him any less of a cuckold.

If we consider the modern definition of the word cuckold it is still dominated by a society who use the word to reference a man who's wife is unfaithful, not the fetish version of the word. It is still a dominant theme in society at large to have a derisive view of a man who's wife is not sexually exclusive regardless of the reasons. To the extent that a man willingly supports his wife having sex with other men, but without any intentional or overt humiliation modern society still regards him as a cuckold and object of derision and/or a fetishist. Whether the couples goes further into the overt humiliation etc. is just a matter of degrees of fetish. Saying I am into watching my wife fuck other guys but I don't want to be humiliated so I am not a cuckold is like saying I like to be handcuffed and spanked but not the really rough stuff that I see in porn so I am not into BDSM.

Cuckold is one of those words we have been conditioned to think of as intrinsically bad. So guys seek to avoid the label and twist themselves up into knots doing so. But the bottomline is that the consensus in society that regards the word as bad are passing negative judgment on any man who's wife has sex with other men unless possibly in the context of full reciprocity. Those forces of consensus would not make a distinction for those who are into the fetish of watching their wife get fucked but not into humiliation. It is a bit like the way we have been conditioned to see gay or bi-sexual as intrinsically bad. The consensus of bigots who think this way wouldn't say oh well you are still straight if you like to suck dick as long as you don't find guys attractive in the same way as women. That is a silly distinction made up to avoid embracing who you are. The intellectually honest thing is to accept that you are bi-sexual or a cuckold and resist the premise that those things are intrinsically bad.

In general I do oppose buying into a definition just because a lot of people agree upon that definition. To some degree consensus is what makes the definition, but that doesn't mean we have to accept the consensus view of what it means to be any given thing. The consensus view is that being a vegan means I don't eat meat and the absence of meat from my diet is the defining characteristic of that definition. I don't have to accept the view of large groups of people that being vegan makes me a progressive snowflake. But it is patently ridiculous to try to invent my own definition of myself as a vegan who eats meat. How much meat can I eat per week and still claim to be a vegan? None. How many cocks can a guy suck per week and still claim to be 100% straight? None. How many people can I fuck and still claim to be a virgin? None. Under what circumstance can I fuck other guys while my husband remains exclusive and him not be considered a cuckold? None.

The idea that humiliation is what makes the cuckold isn't even anything close to consensus. It is just something that a small number of fetishist have made up on their own to avoid a label the dislike or to tell other people how to enjoy the fetish. Obviously there is a downside to labelling people, but it is just as unproductive to distort linguistics and make up your own definitions just to avoid a label that fits.

 

[Artfan2]

In psychology, a cuckold derives pleasure from being humiliated. Not all wife-sharing is cuckolding. As a matter of fact, cuckolding is one of many reasons why a man would want to share his wife, and it is not the most important one.

What are some of the most important reasons?

 

[HumpDayHoratio]

It is true that porn tends to portray humiliation as part of being a cuckold. But since when is porn a reasonable representation of any aspect of sex or anything else in life? Using that as a reference point is like saying it isn't really interracial sex if it isn't a black man with a big cock fucking a white woman. If his cock is average size, she doesn't swoon in his presence or he doesn't completely dominate her, is it not interracial sex?-policywank

I don’t know if porn is a reasonable representation of reality but its influence helps frame reality. Just perusing Lit Threads and you can trace a large percentage to porn influences. Name a kink and I’ll show you where porn has exploited it especially over the last thirty years.

In a Peer-Reviewed study of porn consumption for young adults, they found previous reports of 75% for males and 30% for females were underreported, and males were actually in the 91-99% while females were harder to pin down at 62-90%. Authors: Ingrid Solano, Nicholas R. Eaton and K. Daniel O’Leary
Published October 2018

Peer-Reviewed Journal: Journal of Behavioral Addictions (2018) 7(3): 574–583 The Journal of Sex Research (2018) Online, 1–12

Those numbers have to have an effect. Not only in attitudes but also in behavior.

 

[littlecordelera]

So, is there really a difference between cuckold and hotwife?

There is a difference between a cuckold and a swinger. Based on what you've said, you are a swinger, not a cuckold.

A married woman who has extramarital sex with her husband's knowledge, regardless of whether he is a cuckold or a swinger, is a hotwife.

 

[policywank]

I don’t know if porn is a reasonable representation of reality but its influence helps frame reality. Just perusing Lit Threads and you can trace a large percentage to porn influences. Name a kink and I’ll show you where porn has exploited it especially over the last thirty years.

In a Peer-Reviewed study of porn consumption for young adults, they found previous reports of 75% for males and 30% for females were underreported, and males were actually in the 91-99% while females were harder to pin down at 62-90%. Authors: Ingrid Solano, Nicholas R. Eaton and K. Daniel O’Leary
Published October 2018

Peer-Reviewed Journal: Journal of Behavioral Addictions (2018) 7(3): 574–583 The Journal of Sex Research (2018) Online, 1–12

Those numbers have to have an effect. Not only in attitudes but also in behavior.

To the extent that we are talking about kinks I agree that porn helps frame reality, but it still doesn't generally accurately reflect reality. As you say most kinks have been exploited by porn. But that wasn't my point. In fact porn may have also affected the practice of any given kink. But that wasn't my point either. My point was that porn cannot or at least should not be taken as a dependable reference point for how a certain kink is played out in real life. To pick up on your stream of thought, name any kink and I will show you how the people who engage in that kink in real life do so in a way that is different from what is portrayed in porn.

It is not hard to see that humiliation is a big part of the porn portrayal of the hotwife/cuckold dynamic. No question porn has exploited this aspect of this lifestyle. And some in the lifestyle may take lessons from porn. But that does mean that the portrayal of humiliation in porn represents how and to what degree it is used in real life. As a woman who has sex with other men and who's husband does not have sex with other women I am part of a hotwife/cuckold couple.

For any given action I take people will have their own view of whether that action is humiliating to my husband, but whether or not he feels humiliated is entirely a matter of his own emotions in which other people have no say. Some will say the mere fact that I fuck other men is humiliating to him but that is an opinion not a truism and it does not oblige him to feel that way. If I don't undertake to engage in specific acts that are intended to humiliate or I do but my husband still doesn't feel humiliated that doesn't make him less of a cuckold.

 

[staciedix]

I enjoy sharing my wife.

Whether that is with a male or a female. Whether I am involved or not. Whether I'm present, watching or just hear about it after she comes home.

I don't enjoy humiliation. It's not my kink. Nor do I feel humiliated or any "less of a man" when my wife has her fun. It was never about that for me so I hesitate to call myself cuckold as I feel it holds this connotation..

Knowing that my wife is being pleased in every possible way; that her deepest and darkest desires are being met... this turns me on more than anything.

So, is there really a difference between cuckold and hotwife? I think there is.

Yeah sure

 

[policywank]

I enjoy sharing my wife.

Whether that is with a male or a female. Whether I am involved or not. Whether I'm present, watching or just hear about it after she comes home.

I don't enjoy humiliation. It's not my kink. Nor do I feel humiliated or any "less of a man" when my wife has her fun. It was never about that for me so I hesitate to call myself cuckold as I feel it holds this connotation..

Knowing that my wife is being pleased in every possible way; that her deepest and darkest desires are being met... this turns me on more than anything.

So, is there really a difference between cuckold and hotwife? I think there is.

I think cuckold holds the connotation of humiliation the same way being a gay man holds the connotation of being effeminate.

The connotation isn't part of the definition. It is bias that is projected on to the word by intolerant or judgmental people. And as people learn and open their minds they find it is altogether untrue.

Now if you have reciprocal sexual latitude that is different. Then I would say you are in an open marriage or a swinger. But as long as we are talking connotation both of those terms connote both partners taking other lovers to a greater degree than cuckold connotes humiliation. And both open marriage and swinger are more established terms and relationship practices.

 

[HumpDayHoratio]

To the extent that we are talking about kinks I agree that porn helps frame reality, but it still doesn't generally accurately reflect reality. As you say most kinks have been exploited by porn. But that wasn't my point. In fact porn may have also affected the practice of any given kink. But that wasn't my point either. My point was that porn cannot or at least should not be taken as a dependable reference point for how a certain kink is played out in real life. To pick up on your stream of thought, name any kink and I will show you how the people who engage in that kink in real life do so in a way that is different from what is portrayed in porn.

I got what you’re saying and think we both agree that porn shouldn’t be used as a blueprint for human sexuality. I know your husband and your HW/C lifestyle is more nuanced than a 15 min XHamster fantasy vid. While it shouldn’t be used as a dependable reference point, we can’t discount porns effect on it either. Especially when young adults are consuming it in numbers the study above referenced. While it may not reflect now what defines the kink, it may define it later.

Take shaving ones privates for example. Excluding ancient India, Egypt, and Rome, Western countries largely didn’t remove women’s (or men) pubic hair. As the Victorian Era waned and hemlines started creeping up and more skin was shown, women started removing pit hair and leg hair. The bikini in ‘46 you could argue started the bikini wax or line but It was porn that accelerated the shaving of ones kitty. Just visit the visual arts threads here and look at art or photo’s in the Western world and you’ll see that that particular grooming habit was non existent over the ages!

On an anecdotal level, several GF’s from the early ‘80’s talked about how they wouldn’t shave there as they couldn’t fathom looking like a pre-pubescent girl again. Now fast forward 35-40yrs and a study out of Belgium reports that over 80% of women have shaved at one time or another. Of that number 88% did it between the ages of 15-20yrs! I saw another study that claimed 62% of American women keep it trimmed/shaved on a regular basis. At least in my corner of the jungle, shaving in the early ‘80’s would have been considered a “kink”, but the advent of readily available porn has effected our modern thoughts of what is acceptable.

I think porn has pigeon holed these kinks to the point that the OP is confused over what, constitutes what, in relation to their kink. You and I spoke to this on another thread. There seems to be a fair amount of confusion over the HW/C lifestyle, at least to casual observers, and sadly I have to include myself in that column. That is until you and others set me on the right path!

 

[4yourpleasureiam]

I prefer to be the cockold. I want her to be sexually satisfied and I know I am not able to do that for her. I d want her to be honest and share his cum with me always. Q

 

[Herkermer2]

-If you’re wife is out having sex w/out your knowledge = cheating
-If you know and support your wife taking cock outside of your relationship and you are not getting pussy in the same manner= a supportive Cuckold
- If you’re supportive and she humiliates you, then you = supportive Cuckold that enjoys being humiliated

— If you are posting questions like this or you’re like many on this forum that post topics like “Would you bang my wife” or “I would like to see a big cock bang my hot wife” type of threads… then you = are bisexual and not fooling anyone and commenting on dick pics how glorious some guys cock is…well that’s also kinda gay.
-It’s ok. I’m just saying the number of men posting threads about sharing their hot wives but pretending it doesnt have gay undertones doesnt help limit the one topic that gets posted far more than any of the other topics.

Now everyone can call me an asshole. Ready…go