Crystal Dreams

[REDWAVE]

OK, this is one of those "shameless self-promotion" threads. I'm asking for your feedback on "Crystal Dreams." What (if anything) do you like about it, what do you dislike, how can I improve it, etc. Also, what is the poem about? I mean sex, yeah, but more specifically?

Here's the link:

www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=34872

 

[WickedEve]

Well, I know it's about oral sex. But I'm still not sure what crystal dreams means. And I know this poem is probably about more than just basic oral sex.
I'll have to read it again and then... think about it! lol

I'll be back...

 

[The Barefoot Poet]

It's a tad bit wordy for my taste, but I am The Barefoot Poet.

I found it erotic till the last lines.

"flooding my mouth with the salty taste of creation
voiding my insides into the dark chasm below"

I got the impression you ate a salty breakfast and got the runs.

 

[REDWAVE]

Shoeless one

Better put your shoes back on, Barefoot-- I think you've got a rusty nail in your foot!

 

[Maid of Marvels]

Wild thang...

"What This Poem Means to Me"
by Maid of Marvels

I love the feel of your words on my tongue, even if that does sound a tad bit Freudian in reference to this work. Even so, it's all there. Two men. Oral sex. Got meth? (Crystal, of course.)

This poem (as I believe all poetry should) must be read aloud. My favorite phrase is "arabesque of ecstasy" followed by "ellipse of eruptions". Yummy.

Read it. Feel it. Taste it. The King of Kink plays well with his food. Erm... words.

I also like A Lover's Lament. Try this one for a late night snack.

 

[WickedEve]

Well, Red, I PM'ed you about my thoughts about it being about two men. (good grief, how many times did I just say, "about"?)
But I didn't get the crystal part. Unlike M.O.M. I don't know anything about drugs.

 

[REDWAVE]

Say it isn't so, WE!

What??? O, no, I'm totally disillusioned now. Here I had you pictured as this totally wild, wanton woman of the world, who's done everything and everybody (everyone worth doing, at least). Now here I find out yer a friggin' goody two shoes? O, say it isn't so, Wicked Eve! You'd better watch out, young lady-- I'm gonna have you kicked out of the Perverts' Club!



Crystal is popular with many gay males, because it deadens sensitivity and prolongs sex for hours.

 

[WickedEve]

Shucks

Crystal is popular with many gay males, because it deadens sensitivity and prolongs sex for hours.

REDDEVIL I didn't know that!
Please don't kick me out of the club! I'll do better. Honestly! I'll work very, very HARD to be a better perv!

Perverted EVE

 

[Unmasked Poet]

The circle will remain unbroken

Redwave,
Here are my thoughts. Regardless of your relenltess pursuit I stopped looking over my shoulder long enought to comment.

Circle of mouth-love
quickening through our veins
our brains exploding in perfervid visions

The white lines entwine
into an arabesque of ecstasy
hour after hour feeding
until the dim first light of dawn
came slanting through the curtain

Then an ellipse of eruptions
flooding my mouth with the salty taste of creation
voiding my insides into the dark chasm below

The references are subtle and apt. I take exception with the opening line; I feel there was no need to be so stark. This start is far too abrupt considering the pacing is slow and the feel erotic. I guess you can’t take the porno out of the queen.

The “circle of mouth-love” line reminded me of “glory holes” (don’t ask me, ask Red.) Perhaps that is why I found the poem weakened by the start. The remaining words are wonderful poetry.

“White lines entwine into an arabesque of ecstasy” is breathtaking. “Hour after hour” is a weak transition, word wise and visually. Surely a rewrite would give us a better image of time passing.

I would do a line break after creating a two line time abstract in the second stanza.

The new third stanza would then move the imagery along and give the reader more to appreciate and have deeper impact.

“until the dim first light of dawn
came slanting through the curtain”

To “round things out” the last stanza is a near perfect ending.
(I kill myself sometimes! Round things out!) Hey don’t ask me, ask Red!

U.P.

 

[daughter]

Bravo

RED--

Thank you for a finely crafted, provocative poem. Not all poetry is heart-wrenching, melodrama. The poet isn't always asking us to feel something. Sometimes, the poet is asking us to think and to appreciate what he is saying. That is what I thought about this poem.

Your lines are well-crafted images lush with figurative language and executed with skill. My favorite lines are:

he white lines entwine
into an arabesque of ecstasy

--I love the sound and imagery here. I abhor drug use and here you make it poetic and beautiful. That's skill. Did I mention, these lines are erotic and aesthetically pleasing?

Then an ellipse of eruptions
flooding my mouth with the salty taste of creation

--not only a great image, but it finishes off the preceeding image perfectly. The alliteration is subtle and wonderful on the tongue.


The last stanza bring the imagery(the ovals) of the introduction to the conclusion, full circle. This isn't happenstance it is deliberate, deft application of device and talent.

Well done, poet. I enjoyed this immensely.

Peace,

daughter

 

[REDWAVE]

UP & daughter

Thanks, UP and daughter, for your comments. I'll carefully consider the suggestions for changes you made, UP. But I don't know-- I like "Circle of mouth-love" as the opening line.

daughter, I appreciate your being able to relate to the poem, despite the fact that it describes sex between two men.

 

[daughter]

Personal experience

RED--

The fact that it is sex between two men is irrelevant in my opinion. I don't have to have a personal reference point to appreciate a view. This poem was more than sex between lovers. It is art. Besides, two people being able to connect is positive in my view. I don't have to like something to appreciate it.

It's a good poem. You should be praised for it.

Peace,

daughter