Crisis of confidence

MasterPhoenix

The Phoenix is hunting
Joined
Feb 7, 2006
Posts
2,164
******Author's note: This post is in NO way intended to reflect anything upon rose, it is shit in MY OWN HEAD.*****

Sometimes I wonder. I love being a Dominant, and feeling that rush of Domination. There is no question that I love living the lifestyle. There is just some times that I start questioning myself.

I get those thoughts that come from outside sources about what is wrong with me that I LOVE inflicting pain on the woman I love.

Sometimes I question myself as to whether I am a good Dominant. Sometimes I wonder if I can be too soft, or if I have the wisdom to correctly control another. Usually, I can feel this to my core, but there are times when I wonder if I am good enough.

I was hoping I could get some feedback from other Dominants on here who have gone through something similar. Its just something in my head that I am wresting with.
 
I hope you don't mind me posting Mp, because as you know I am no dominant! But but honestly I think what you are experiencing is just a part of being a normal person. I am sure most dominants have times when they question their abilities to control, just as us subs do about being able to serve and being worthy.
I won't disclose too much because I haven't asked and he is rather a private man...but I know my D questioned this himself some time ago. He thought he wasn't fulfilling his role, making me happy and subsequently questioned his role as my M.
I feel a lot of the blame for that lies with me, if there is actually any blame to be apportioned that is. Because at the end of the day we are all just people. People with issues, idiosyncracies (sp?), good points and bad. I truly believe as a Dominant you take on _so_ much responsibility and I think it takes a special person to be able to deal with and balance that. I think my D is amazing for that. But like him, you are a dominant...not a miracle worker, not a super hero.

I hope others (Dominants) will share with you MP because I would put money on it that you are not alone. :rose:
 
If you never questioned yourself, then you'd be an egotistical self righteous wanker. That's what plenty of people are and you don't need to identify as a dom for that one.
I'm switch, and the only time I find myself questioning is when I actually love the person I'm playing with. Otherwise all bets are off.
People grow and change and your questioning is a healthy by-product of that.
Keep growing with the one you love.
Beat her and hurt her if that's what she wants, if it's not, she'll let you know. Subs are only submissive not incapable.:rose:
 
i am not a Dominant (duh) but i AM opinionated so i'll give you my two cents :D but seriously, You are human, Daddy. i think we all question ourselves at one time or another. i know lately i've been questioning my submissiveness as well. i know what i used to feel and lately i've been questioning "am i that person" ?

i think all of this has alot to do with us being so busy that we don't have the time anymore to reassure the other that they are doing a "good job" or how happy we are with each other, so the doubts come out....does that make sense? i know it's not my fault and that's not what i'm saying at all i just think it has to do with the situation at the moment and i'm pretty sure you're not alone. Dominant or not i think there are times in everyone's life that they doubt their abilities.

i can assure you from my end that you are the best Daddy/Dominant in the world. yea things have been a little "soft" lately and i know i've not been the best submissive i could be. and i'm not going to make excuses for that because there are none. but i want you to know that my "actions" have nothing to do with how good of a Dominant you are. i love You, and i miss You. and i'm sorry that we've not had the D/s part of our lives as much as we used to and i'm sorry if that has made you start doubting yourself. you are and always have been the best D in the world to me, nothing has changed :):rose:
 
I think it's perfectly normal to question and doubt ourselves sometimes. There are moments where I can't reconcile what I have in my head with the real world. I know clearly what I want... I often lack the ability to make it happen. I've been lucky in that my play partners have had a lot of trust and faith in me and have allowed me to explore at my own pace. Sometimes talking things thru with them has been enough to break down the resistance inside me and enable me to go to those places I want.

Being in a supportive relationship is a good thing. It gives us strength. You sound like you are in such a relationship MP. There is a natural ebb and flow to all relationships. Don't for one minute feel fear or shame about appearing less then perfect to your partner at times like this. Being able to say to them, hey.. I'm not feeling like things are where they should be right now, I love you.. takes a whole lot of courage to do. Open honest communication is the basis for good relationships. Hear was rose said tho.. you are still her D and M and she doesn't think any less of you for this time in your life together.
 
If you never questioned yourself, then you'd be an egotistical self righteous wanker.

See those words, MP? They are the absolute righteous truth.

I question myself too, brother. I wonder the same stuff. It's totally normal, and the end result of a whole lot of societal conditioning hammering into your head that hitting is bad. Society doesn't care that she is begging to be spanked. Society just thinks it's wrong. Fuck society. Consent is what matters.

As to being a good dominant, there are only a few people that have any input that matters in that situation: you and your submissive/s. If you are okay with what you do and how you do it, and your sub/s are cool with it, hey, you're doing okay. The only time that idea fails is if you are abusive, and the relationship is toxic. It doesn't sound like you two have a toxic relationship, just one that is strained by distance and conflicting schedules. You'll get there, man.

Still, I want it dead clear that I wonder the same stuff. I have the same doubts. Many times I've talked to viv and asked her if I was doing right by her. Many times I've had discussions with fellow tops and wondered the same thing, or had them wonder it about themselves. It's normal, man. It's part of being human, and, in this case, being self-aware about your dominance, sadism, and general damage.

It sucks to doubt yourself, but it's healthier than being an egotistical dickcheese.
 
I've never felt an ounce of guilt for giving someone something they want and crave. Do I make mistakes and fall short? Of course.

It doesn't get much worse than hitting a blindfolded girl smack dab in the forehead with a wooden spreader bar. Thank goodness she laughs about it now.
 
Thank you all for your responses...

And Homberg, I love that line abuot being a egotistical dickcheese.
 
I don't think you can be a good dom without that sort of questioning. It means that you care about who you're Domming. Those who never question themselves never learn anything, and never get anywhere (in relationships or otherwise). And that's where communication comes in.

As a switch, I have thoughts on each side telling me that I might be falling short as a dom or a sub, depending on the occasion. Maybe I'm not being rough enough--or my service falls short. But everyone has these kinds of doubts; that's what makes us human. :)
 
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