Crafting a new story

[BlackSnake]

I have this idea for a story; it doesn't have developed characters or anything. What I'm looking to do is to write with the theme like a "lion's pride" Where the father takes care of the family, but like the loin he mates with all the females of the pride. Here, there is only the mother and daughter:

The smooth dark skin of her torso leaned against his arm as took the fork from his hand and gobbled down a mouth full of the scallops, shrimp, and lettuce seasoned with ranch dressing and beacon bits.

He looked over her back at the long trail of black hairs disappearing into the knit shorts from her lower back. Her butt-cheeks parted evenly into half-moons from the crack of her ass. “My baby, sho is fine,” he proclaimed projecting his heavy voice.

She giggled, looking back at him as he admired her ass.

“One of these days somebody is going to hear you talking about your daughter that way,” his wife warned.

“I don’t give a fuck,” he said leaning back at the table to get a better look at the round smooth flesh that peeked from under the bottom of the shorts. “I made this ass. I can look and say what ever in the hell I please about it.”

“Excuse me,” he wife said swing her curvy hip outward and cocking her head down as she looked at him. “The ass, she got from me.”

“You’ll are crazy,” the young lady laughed. “I don’t hear you’ll bragging about who gave me these.” She cupped her A-cup through her short cropped baby-T.

“Anything more than a mouth full is a waist anyway,” he laughed giving the young lady’s soft ass a gentle squeeze with his long fingers.

“Hey!” his wife protested.

“What?” he responded. “Shit! This is my ass as long as its under my roof. I made it, I feed it, and I cloth it. Just like your ass is mine also.”

“I want some boobies,” the young lady interrupted.

“I bet none of the niggas that waxed that ass haven’t complained about you not having big tits,” he replied.

“Ain’t nobody had none of this,” the young lady protested posturing with both hands on her hips.

“What!?” he said standing up from the table. “You mean to tell me that you’ve been shaking that ass all over the place, and haven’t given it up yet?”

His wife laughed.

“What’s so funny?” the young lady asked her mother.

“What the hell are you waiting on?” he asked the young lady. “Life is too short to be playing that kind of bull-shit.”

“Baby, it ain’t all that,” the woman said. “You wait expecting it to be wonderful and shit, and all you get is a little bit of pain and a whole lot of mess to clean up.”

The man laughed. “Nigga won’t even remember,” he said. “He might brag to his boys that he bust your ass, but that’s it.

What I'm attempting to do here is to set a tone and the mood for the father to proclaim that he is the King of his jungle and impose his will, and also for the other characters to bye into it.

 

[Halo_n_horns]

That type of proclamation might best be administered first through the environment that this family lives in. If you want to tie in that type of motif then you need to incorporate things that will get the reader's mind to think along those lines, even if just subconsciously at first.

 

[elsol]

This story lacks projection.

Think LION... and now look at how the male here is behaving.

A Lion projects 'King of All I Survey' sitting in a shade looking around... the male here even though he's 'setting up' is being loud and brash.

A Lion only really respects another male lion and even then two male lions won't take on one male lion seriously because it's not worth it.

Human as animal stories need to project the animal magnetism outward at this time the snippet you offered does not.

Sincerely,
ElSol

 

[BlackSnake]

This story lacks projection.

Think LION... and now look at how the male here is behaving.

A Lion projects 'King of All I Survey' sitting in a shade looking around... the male here even though he's 'setting up' is being loud and brash.

A Lion only really respects another male lion and even then two male lions won't take on one male lion seriously because it's not worth it.

Human as animal stories need to project the animal magnetism outward at this time the snippet you offered does not.

Sincerely,
ElSol

Good observation, how would you correct it?

 

[elsol]

Good observation, how would you correct it?

a) In the world of lions... the females have a sense of sisterhood. A story with animals as totems needs to deal with the 'female' aspect of that world.

In my case, I used wolf and as much as there is an Alpha Male, there is also an Alpha Female so my story had a clear-cut A-Female.

The women need to have a sense of community that 'excludes' the male just like in the real lion world.

b) To me, the daughter needs to be operating almost completely from instinct... she can be a tool to recognize and free the father's animal side because she's closest to it herself.

c) The biggest problem that I have is really the father's behavior... it doesn't say lion.

Consider that a male lion that takes over a pride kills any male cubs younger than a year, and chases off those older than that... while the mothers standby.

That is some serious presence and shows regardless of even a mother's protective instinct NOTHING sane gets in the way of a full-grown male lion. (except an elephant and they probably think about it twice).

Here is a snippet of my wolf story...

The women were spread out around the room with Taylor sitting in a love seat with Julie on one side and Tawny on the other. Taylor looked at me nervously but with a sigh of relief now that she had a man whom she might manipulate rather than the quiet women in the room.

I looked around the room as I walked to the chair across from Taylor; five of my aunts, an older first cousin, the Coven, the Lee twins, my mother and Rachel. I sat down and looked at Taylor; she had honey-brown hair and hazel eyes. She was the same height as Julie but was built like Tawny. She had a fog of emotion over her eyes as if the world never ceased to disappoint her.

"What am I doing in here?" she said deciding to charge me instead of waiting for me to strike at her. I smiled and made as if I were thinking about it.

"You've become a problem, Taylor," I said, "When it was just Michael, it was an annoyance but now you've made a few people brave and widened the scope of the damage you're willing to cause."

"I don't know what you're talking about," she said angrily.

"Taylor, don't bullshit me. If I'm getting involved it's time to save yourself."

"And who the fuck are you?" she asked but looked at Rachel which was where she had been expecting the offensive to come from no matter what had happened outside. I looked at her and realized the high road was not going to be possible. Taylor had to be broken of all resistance before she would stop her vendetta against Michael and everything he cared about.

I sat quietly staring at her until she began to fidget. I put my left elbow on the chair arm and turned my palm up to Rachel.

"Your panties, Rachel," I said while continuing to stare at Taylor who gasped loudly when Rachel put her hand under the slits at her thighs of the blue evening gown she was wearing. She was businesslike in pulling them down her legs; or at least as businesslike as anyone could look taking her panties off. She deposited them in my hand and looked at me waiting to see if I had more for her.

I brought the panties close to my face and took the scent in. I had missed the fragrance that was Rachel. I looked at Taylor and handed the panties to Brittany who had come to stand beside my chair. Brittany crossed over to Tawny and handed her the panties. Tawny and Julie both put a leg over each of Taylor's and grabbed an arm apiece effectively pinning Taylor. Tawny brought the panties to Taylor's face and touched her lips and nose with them. Taylor fought until Brittany got behind the love seat and with a firm grip on Taylor's hair kept her head still. Taylor was shooting daggers at me with her eyes but I noticed the deep breathing was not all from anger and nervousness.

I signaled Tawny with my head and the panties were taken away from Taylor's face. Brittany walked around the love seat to retrieve them.

Taylor was still angry and her eyes continued to hate me.

"Mother," I said looking at Taylor. My mother walked from her spot by the wall to stand beside my chair. "Take Rachel's clothes off."

Taylor gasped at that also.

I had not talked to anyone but the Coven about what I planned, and they were only told that I planned to correct most of Taylor's misconceptions about us and that I expected them to follow my lead.

Rachel was wearing a blue evening gown that hugged most of her curves and had slits from mid-thigh down to the floor. My mother also was businesslike when she walked behind Rachel who turned her head and pulled her hair to her front. My mother grabbed the zipper from the top and pulled it down. Rachel stretched her arms out akimbo but my mother was holding the dress up. Rachel smiled at Taylor with such grace that she made it seem like being stripped by my mother in front of a dozen women was an everyday occurrence. My mother allowed the dress to fall down Rachel's body slowly revealing her in all her naked glory inches at a time. When the dress had passed down enough to show Rachel's pubic hair my mother allowed the dress to pool on the floor. Rachel stepped out of the dress and moved to stand next to my chair.

I understood her lack of shame; she was glorious. Naked in just blue heels by my side she looked...

I turned my head to look at her. I smiled at her racing strip of blonde pubic hair and hardened. I looked to Taylor and she had noticed the possession in my eyes when I looked at Rachel.

"Why am I here, Rachel?" I asked while looking at Taylor. There was a dark tone in my voice that made every woman in the room look at me nervously.

Rachel looked at me and clasped her hands behind her back, which pushed her chest towards me. It would have been distracting had my question not been serious. Rachel noticed her maneuver had not caused me to lose focus.

"I made some mistakes," she admitted.

"How?" I asked.

"I should have fired those three idiots and quashed Taylor a long time ago," she said with her head down, ashamed.

"Why didn't you?"

"I did not want to hurt Michael and because he was right that firing the three would cause trouble because of their affairs with Taylor." I nodded my head accepting that as the truth that could be spoken in front of non-family.

"You shouldn't be getting involved yet," Rachel whispered.

Taylor looked around and saw that no other woman in the room was surprised by the last of Rachel's confession.

"I am not pleased by this Rachel," I said in a very quiet voice. Taylor's eyes turned to me at the sound of my voice.

Rachel nodded her head almost pathetically.

I reached out my hand and grabbed hers. I walked her around to my right side and pulled her over my lap.

Taylor's eyes could not get wider without popping out of her head.

The two spanks, one on each of Rachel's cheeks, were symbolic. They were not for the other women in the room, nor for Rachel, but for Taylor.

I patted Rachel's ass. It was a full ass with two abundant yet tight buttcheeks for me to palm and mold to the shape of my hand. She had not made a noise during the two slaps but she groaned when she felt my fingers move to her pussylips. I dipped two fingers inside her; her pussy lips were dry but inside she was ready for me. I pulled my fingers out after I moistened them with her juices and moved down to her clit. I looked at Taylor as I used small, firm circles to bring Rachel to orgasm.

She had a quiet one that caused small convulsions. Her liquid ran over my hand and onto the inside of her thighs. I pushed my fingers into her to coat them with her being. I had not planned the next thing either but Brittany had never failed me.

I pulled my fingers out of Rachel and looked at them. Most of my hand was covered with moisture but the fingers I used on Rachel were soaked. I made believe I was looking around for something to wipe my hand with and then looked at Brittany. Her eyes were burning at the sight of Rachel naked in the full splendor of her pleasure. She stepped towards me to straddle Rachel's legs. She reached down to grasp my forearm in both her hand and pulled my fingers to her mouth.

She started with licks.

This includes no males because for this scene they were unnecessary... but hopefully you get a sense of the Alpha declaring himself, and the idea that this is an entire PACK facing an enemy and not just him.

Because the sense of pack to a wolf family is critical.

In lions, I think that the 'pride of females' is actually the center of how their world operates and continues.


Hopefully this helps you a little,

Sincerely,

ElSol

 

[BlackSnake]

a)...
This includes no males because for this scene they were unnecessary... but hopefully you get a sense of the Alpha declaring himself, and the idea that this is an entire PACK facing an enemy and not just him.

Because the sense of pack to a wolf family is critical.

In lions, I think that the 'pride of females' is actually the center of how their world operates and continues.


Hopefully this helps you a little,

Sincerely,

ElSol

Sorry I haven't responded sooner. I understand what you are saying. I'll take it back and hopefully come back with something more in line.

Thanks bunches

BlackSnake