Couple has questions on how to train to be a good submissive.

[maurjode]

We need advise on how to train her to be submissive!

 

[FungiUg]

Whoa!

Firstly, you need to think this through. Changing the basis of your relationship CAN destroy your relationship.

Secondly, this needs to work for BOTH of you. If your wife IS submissive, then fine. If she's not... forget it now. You cannot MAKE someone submissive.

After that... you need to decide on limits. Are you D/s in the bedroom, or the entire relationship? How will you deal with money? Work? Friends?

Don't rush in and destroy a relationship in your haste to change it. If you are both keen, and want to go ahead... I'd suggest change a little at a time. Have D/s play sessions, and set the limits ahead of time. Go slowly.

Good luck!

 

[s'lara]

Welcome to the board.

First, i'd like to direct you to our Library which is full of information on various subjects which may be helpful.

To answer your question, i don't believe one can be trained to be submissive (as in instilling the submissive trait permanently), however, i do believe one can be taught how to submit to another. There is a subtle difference there.

There are a number of threads which touch on exploration of roles in BDSM, many of which are located in our Library. Please let me know if you need any help locating them.

Good luck to you both.

lara

 

[maurjode]

Thanks for the reply. Maybe I asked the wrong question, or asked the wrong way. My wife has submitted to my desires in the past. How can we find out how submissive she can be, & how can I properly make her submit if that makes any sense.

 

[FungiUg]

I'm still a little puzzled. Having your wife submit is all about what YOU want from her! There's no "proper" way.

Are there things you specifically want to train her to do? In which case, we may be able to answer some questions. But she's submitting to you, not us. So... YOU need to decide what you want from her. And then we can help out with suggestions.

 

[RJMasters]

My wife & I have been together for 25yrs. We need advise on how to train her to be submissive & how to be submissive!

Your post doesn't really leave much in the way of understanding the "context" or surrounding circumstances for asking such a question, So I admit I half flying blind before answering. If I offend you, I am sorry as that is not my intent, but rather hope that I can give you some things to think about as you consider how to proceed with your wife as your submissive.

You can teach a submissive person how to kneel before you, but you cannot teach them how to kneel "to you" in thier mind or heart.

There are many things you can do to teach or train "behavior", you can even teach her how to "act" like a submissive person, but you cannot teach her how to be "a submissive". She either is one in her heart or mind or she is not.

The truth is, when she looks at you, the response and "attitude" is there or it isn't. Meaning if it is not there, no amount of behavior training is going to put it there. This doesn't mean she is or isn't a submissive, it could mean that she able or willing to submit to you.

There is are some pros and cons about being married for 25 years together as you approach this, that you should be aware of. What is funny is that both the pros and cons are based on the same thing, which is "famillarity".

You have heard the expression that familarity breeds contempt? It simply means that as you get to know a person, you learn about their faults and things you don't like about them. Famillarity also allows you to learn about their strengths and those things you do like about them. Please keep this in mind as I finish my response as it is key in understanding why I say what I am saying.

Early on in my marriage of 18 years(now) I remember a time when me and my wife were have troubles. I felt she was not supporting me and following me and we were drifting apart. The harder I pushed...the more she resisted. I remember us fighting and I told her she wasn't acting how a wife should act(opps, was that the wrong thing to say or what?) She then laughed and responded in a way that changed me forever, even though I hated to hear it at the time. She said simply...

"I suppose I am not acting as a good wife and supporting your decisions or following you, but then following you is nothing short of riding an emotional roller coster day in and day out, and I am sorry but I do not respect or trust you enough as a person to lead me, as you are too unstable."

Yeah...ouchie that hurt, but at the time, it was the truth. And though I could have forced her to do what I wanted, I would never have the willing support of her mind and heart. Changes were needed, but those changes needed to start with me.

So the two things I see:

1. Is your wife truly a submissive? If not, no amount of training is gonna change her into one.

2. If she is a submissive, what does she see in her eyes when she looks at you? Are you the man you need to be which allows her to submit to you - heart, mind and body? Are you ready, prepared and trustworthy to take charge of the trust she is about to give you, by placing the control of herself into your hands?

When she sees you taking charge making safe and sane decisions and leading by example, then submission will flow out of her like a river.

If these things are already in place, then I am excited for you both, and the actual training of her behavior as your submissive/wife is really up to you. She is there for your pleasure and she is eager and willing to please. You decide what pleases you and communicate that.

I don't know how you like your steak cooked, but she better know if she is to please you. I don't know what sexual acts you like, but she better know. I don't know what term of respect you wish to be addressed by(first name, Sir, My Husband, Master), but she better know. You decide these things and then need to communicate these things to her so she can please and obey.

In addition, over the past 25 years, there has been certain behavior which you have allowed to go unchecked, I think you need to make it clear that you will no longer tolerate these things and punishment will come swiftly if they continue.

In some ways, you and your wife are looking at each other for the first time in new ways. How she sees you, and how you see her. If she is turly submissive, her greatest desire is to please you and for you to take control. If you are truly Dominate, then you will make no excuse for taking charge and be the man she wants to kneel before inside as well as outside.

I wish you both the best of luck and hope what I had to share might give you something to think about as you two grow in your new journey together.

You can also find alot of information in the library here.

BDSM Library

Take care

 

[Volunteer]

training ..... you both must understand the word

Hello,
I thought I would add a few words in here. One thing alot of people tend to overlook is that training ... is a learning process.
Many people treat training a submissive in an off and on manor, when it is an every day thing for the serious investor. A Dom invests time and a sub invests themselves.
I suggest a period of "acting" like a sub .... or pretending. It allows for mistakes and can provide a buffer for both sides. And allows for an out if things are to much "I don't want to play anymore".
Same goes for Doms, "Give me a break", at times the Dominant side of this can be very intense mentally.

Remember how long it took to get through high school? Well that was only practice for college ... and life. How many games did you play to learn what it took to get you where you are today.

I can give you some pointers and recomend some pretty good sites .... but I'm rather busy when it cimes to training. Although I would not an evening on the IM to put someone through a few paces.
It can be interesting to take a walk on the internet and see what ideas a person has about were they want to go and how far they want to take something.


Vol

 

[Etoile]

i don't believe one can be trained to be submissive (as in instilling the submissive trait permanently), however, i do believe one can be taught how to submit to another. There is a subtle difference there.

*ding*ding*ding*

100 points to s'lara for excellence and eloquence.