Country Meets City - First story, feedback appreciated

[jackie_jonez]

This is the first erotic story I've written and shared like this and am curious if others would be interested in reading it. I must have proofread it 10 times and I'm still finding mistakes and things I would do differently.

I read a few of the top stories here as well as some of the writing coaching and tried to incorporate what I learned. I have a ways to go, but I have to start somewhere. I'd appreciate it if some of you would take a gander and see what you think. I have no illusions of grandeur. Constructive feedback would be appreciated.


https://www.literotica.com/s/city-meets-country

 

[NotWise]

This is the first erotic story I've written and shared like this and am curious if others would be interested in reading it. I must have proofread it 10 times and I'm still finding mistakes and things I would do differently.

I read a few of the top stories here as well as some of the writing coaching and tried to incorporate what I learned. I have a ways to go, but I have to start somewhere. I'd appreciate it if some of you would take a gander and see what you think. I have no illusions of grandeur. Constructive feedback would be appreciated.


https://www.literotica.com/s/city-meets-country

I'm not much of a grammarian, but the story has a lot of sentences that seem to have problems. That's a distraction for me and I expect to others as well. It starts right off in the first paragraph. For instance:

"The highlight of his morning was seeing Christine on his way down to the lobby."

I'm not sure what happens. Perhaps "Christine on her way to the lobby" would work, but I suspect that the "his" actually refers to CJ., in which case the antecedent needs to be clear. Perhaps

"The highlight of his morning came on his way down to the lobby when he saw Christine."

 

[8letters]

To me, CJ and Christine get together too easily. He's wild about her and then the first time they have a conversation, it's all over. Also, I don't have a feel for either CJ or Christine. Why did CJ come to New York? Why does he have a limp? Why does he think he can act?

 

[jackie_jonez]

Thanks for feedback all. I definitely see the sentence structure needs work. I ran MS Word analysis and see what to improve on next story. The writing rated at a pretty low reading level.

As for the characters jumping in too quickly, I didn't really know where a short story crosses to a mini novel with chapters. That's why I didn't go into enough detail. I'll lengthen story to include more background on characters next time. I'll also build up dialogue more, although it's not uncommon for two people secretly attracted to each other to become physical rather rapidly.

 

[sr71plt]

Thanks for feedback all. I definitely see the sentence structure needs work. I ran MS Word analysis and see what to improve on next story. The writing rated at a pretty low reading level.

How low did it rate? The normal target level for Literotica would be eighth grade. Not because Literotica would be lower than most published writing, but because that's the general level for Internet reading and best-seller thrillers and romances.

 

[jackie_jonez]

How low did it rate? The normal target level for Literotica would be eighth grade. Not because Literotica would be lower than most published writing, but because that's the general level for Internet reading and best-seller thrillers and romances.

It rated an embarrassing 4.8, lol. Thanks for the info though. 8th grade should be doable.

 

[NotWise]

It rated an embarrassing 4.8, lol. Thanks for the info though. 8th grade should be doable.

In the guidance I've read on such things, lower reading levels are better; 4.8 is a good result. Eighth grade seems a little high. It makes the story inaccessible. My writing often comes in at 6th grade and I'd like to get that down.

I tire of hearing Hemingway cited over and over, but I'm going to do it anyway. I understand that his writing was typically at the 4th grade level, but I've never run it through an analyzer myself.

 

[jackie_jonez]

In the guidance I've read on such things, lower reading levels are better; 4.8 is a good result. Eighth grade seems a little high. It makes the story inaccessible. My writing often comes in at 6th grade and I'd like to get that down.

I tire of hearing Hemingway cited over and over, but I'm going to do it anyway. I understand that his writing was typically at the 4th grade level, but I've never run it through an analyzer myself.

That's interesting. I ran the first three pages of "The Old Man and the Sea" through and it rates grade 3.3. Reading ease is at 91.9 which is very high.

 

[NotWise]

That's interesting. I ran the first three pages of "The Old Man and the Sea" through and it rates grade 3.3. Reading ease is at 91.9 which is very high.

A lot has been made of the simplicity of Hemingway's writing. You don't need to emulate his style, but it is generally good to keep the reading levels low.

There are a few different ways to measure readability and/or grade level and they give quite variable results. I put the first ~1000 words of my most recent submission through an online analyzer that uses 8 different methods. The grade level varied from 4 to 7 and averaged 5, which is about where I want it (not that I want 5th graders reading what I post to Lit). The Flesch readability score was 86.5, which is probably the best I've done.

There are a lot of online utilities for analyzing text. One will even identify sentences that raise your score and rank them for you. The sentences it ranked at the top of the list were often problems in my writing.

 

[jackie_jonez]

Next story I'll be sure to use the analyzers in advance. I wrote the story on my mobile device and only used the spell check. Reading the story on a computer screen, I noticed reused words and readability issues.

 

[NotWise]

Next story I'll be sure to use the analyzers in advance. I wrote the story on my mobile device and only used the spell check. Reading the story on a computer screen, I noticed reused words and readability issues.

It's an interesting tool, but I imagine it can be abused. It can also be misleading.

The analyzers have problems with different character encodings. They may work well if you are using Windows, and then work differently if you're using Apple, Android or any Linux. When I took the quotation marks out of the text I supplied, the Flesch readability score went from 86.5 to 93.5 and the Flesch-Kincaid grade level went from 4.8 to 3.2.

Documentation for the analyzer I use also points out that it analyzes readability, not understandability. Editing to make the text more readable may not make it more understandable.

 

[sr71plt]

Just curious. Anyone aware of any erotica that Hemingway wrote? If so, anyone find it to be erotic?

 

[NotWise]

Just curious. Anyone aware of any erotica that Hemingway wrote? If so, anyone find it to be erotic?

He included sex in his stories, but I didn't find it to be very erotic. It was hardly like reading Anais Nin or Henry Miller.

 

[8letters]

There are a lot of online utilities for analyzing text. One will even identify sentences that raise your score and rank them for you. The sentences it ranked at the top of the list were often problems in my writing.

It would be awesome if you provided some links to the sites and what you thought of them.

 

[NotWise]

It would be awesome if you provided some links to the sites and what you thought of them.

Providing links would break forum policy. I tried it once. It's better to just Google "text readability." That will give you a lot to go on.

If you have a Linux system then you can use two old utilities named "diction" and "style" that work very well. "diction" checks for word choice problems. "style" tests readability and gives several other measures.

These things don't substitute for an editor, but they help.

 

[Bramblethorn]

It's an interesting tool, but I imagine it can be abused. It can also be misleading.

The analyzers have problems with different character encodings. They may work well if you are using Windows, and then work differently if you're using Apple, Android or any Linux. When I took the quotation marks out of the text I supplied, the Flesch readability score went from 86.5 to 93.5 and the Flesch-Kincaid grade level went from 4.8 to 3.2.

Flesch and Flesch-Kincaid are handy as a quick measure but, yeah, don't take them as gospel.

They rely on average number of words per sentence and average syllables per word. Beyond that, they don't measure whether the words you're using are common or obscure; "unpresidential" and "footballer" score as much harder than "tort" or "dhow". And they don't consider the difficulty of your sentence structure. "I went to the corner store and bought eggs, butter, flour, sugar, salt, milk, bread, Coke, diapers, and chicken" is long, but also straightforward, making it easy to understand.

 

[NotWise]

Flesch and Flesch-Kincaid are handy as a quick measure but, yeah, don't take them as gospel.

If you're going to use them it's good to use several and get a range of results. At least for my writing, Flesch-Kincaid is consistently low. Others are consistently high.

They rely on average number of words per sentence and average syllables per word. Beyond that, they don't measure whether the words you're using are common or obscure; "unpresidential" and "footballer" score as much harder than "tort" or "dhow".

I haven't seen them, but I wonder if there might be other tools for measuring the grade level of the vocabulary or the sentence structure.

 

[8letters]

Providing links would break forum policy. I tried it once. It's better to just Google "text readability." That will give you a lot to go on.

If you have a Linux system then you can use two old utilities named "diction" and "style" that work very well. "diction" checks for word choice problems. "style" tests readability and gives several other measures.

These things don't substitute for an editor, but they help.

I gave that I try. I found a web site, plugged in the story I'm working on and had it analyze it. It told me...a bunch of random numbers:
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level 3.3
Gunning-Fog Score 5.9
Coleman-Liau Index 7.7
SMOG Index 7.3
Automated Readability Index 2.2
Average Grade Level 5.3

diction sounds interesting. I'll give it a look. I'd much prefer something that says, "look at this word/sentence/paragraph".

 

[NotWise]

diction sounds interesting. I'll give it a look. I'd much prefer something that says, "look at this word/sentence/paragraph".

At least one of those online utilities will do that. "style" and "diction" also do that if you ask them to, and there are several ways to ask. "style" will print sentences with high ARI scores, sentences with passive voice, sentences that use nominalization and long sentences. You can have "diction' provide suggestions for better wording, but I found that highly repetitive on large pieces of text.

"diction" seems very similar to the Language Tool extension for LibreOffice/OpenOffice. If you use either of those then I can recommend the Language Tool, but it doesn't provide readability assessment.

 

[lovecraft68]

In the guidance I've read on such things, lower reading levels are better; 4.8 is a good result. Eighth grade seems a little high. It makes the story inaccessible. My writing often comes in at 6th grade and I'd like to get that down.

I tire of hearing Hemingway cited over and over, but I'm going to do it anyway. I understand that his writing was typically at the 4th grade level, but I've never run it through an analyzer myself.

Suddenly I don't feel so bad quitting High school in Junior year

 

[NOIRTRASH]

Suddenly I don't feel so bad quitting High school in Junior year

The only real regret I have is going to college. I wouldn't go near the place again.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

I prefer the Robert Gunning methodology. The Hayakawa Ladder of Abstraction is useful, too.