Could yall rate my first story?

The opening is weak, does not grip and say "read me".

The verb tenses are all over the place leading to a confusing opening paragraph.

Slutty should be sluttish.

Excess words used in several places:
I returned to the party, grabbed a drink and mingled among the guests.
Who other than the guests would you mingle with?

Too many adverbs. Try removing all the words ending in ly and re-reading it.

Paragraph breaks could be redone to keep the action flowing at a faster pace.

And the ending, while probably ok, I do not understand the use of "pass away". Did she die?

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Story - The opening leaves me wondering about what party, when, where and who. The main character is undeveloped and the mysterious man isn't any better described. To fit into romance there should be some feelings, some passion and some heat between the characters; you describe some fairly decent sex and end the story.
 
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KBATE gives some good advice.

Genarally good story and well told. For my taste needs more detail.
Stories are easier on the eyes and tend to be fully read whith more para breaks (at least for my aging eyes)
It was well enough done to make me wish I had been the one you met at the party.
 
It was okay, yet I found myself having a hard time connecting with any of the characters. When reading a romance I like feel as if I know about the characters at least a little. It also seemed a tad rushed in the beginning and middle.

Also, try and watch out for run-on sentences and word choice. In the beginning you had a line such as; “I flew the doors of my closet open….etc”. The word flew, doesn’t quite fit and makes the sentence as a whole sound a bit choppy.

I hope this helps a bit, I’m a newbie when it comes to writing feedback. I’m attempting constructive criticism, not ‘dawging’.

I’ll be sure to look for more stories by you in the future! http://img154.imageshack.us/img154/7586/18hd4wp.jpg
 
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