Could someone please look at how I write one sentence?

[RandomScribbler]

I'm sorry to post these, but I'm really conflicted about the style in which I write and I suspect that a writing club wouldn't look upon them too fondly.

If anyone wants to comment on these then I would be interested in hearing what he/she thinks:

My original version:

Maria expected him to seek their mother's permission once more then, but, to her surprise, her darling brother grasped his beautiful cock without any further hesitation, and her heart skipped a beat at the smile with which he rubbed his swollen, leaking knob up and down between their mother's folds.

(Long sentence, lots of commas, grammatically correct regardless?)
(I hit the Microsoft Word 60-word warning quite often...)

Better "flow", worse grammar?:

Maria expected him to seek their mother's permission once more then; but, to her surprise, her darling brother grasped his beautiful cock without any further hesitation; and her heart skipped a beat at the smile with which he rubbed his swollen, leaking knob up and down between their mother's folds.

Better "flow", worse grammar:

Maria expected him to seek their mother's permission once more then, but to her surprise her darling brother grasped his beautiful cock without any further hesitation; and her heart skipped a beat at the smile with which he rubbed his swollen, leaking knob up and down between their mother's folds.

Shortened sentences:

Maria expected him to seek their mother's permission once more then, but to her surprise, however, her darling brother grasped his beautiful cock without any further hesitation. Her heart skipped a beat at the smile with which he rubbed his swollen, leaking knob up and down between their mother's folds.

Shortest sentences:

Maria expected him to seek their mother's permission once more then. To her surprise, however, her darling brother grasped his beautiful cock without any further hesitation. Her heart skipped a beat at the smile with which he rubbed his swollen, leaking knob up and down between their mother's folds.

(These last two are closest to the sentence length / structure that I seem to see on literotica.)

If you HAD to read one of these, the which style would you prefer? Would you write it differently?

RS

 

[slyc_willie]

I'd write it something like this:

Once more, Maria expected him to seek their mother's permission. However, without any further hesitation, her darling brother grasped his beautiful cock and rubbed the swollen, leaking knob up and down between their mother's folds. Surprised at his audacity, Maria's heart nevertheless skipped a beat as she watched.

You have some clunky wordage in your original versions. ". . . seek their mother's permission once more then." I get what you're saying there, but it's awkward. "Her heart skipped a beat at the smile." At what smile? Hers? Her brother's, their mother's? Your heart doesn't skip a beat because of a smile, but because of the emotion through which that smile manifests.

Just my take.

 

[desertslave]

My biggest issue is "the smile with which..." It sounds like he's rubbing his smile somewhere (unless his cock has unusual properties? ).

Short, sweet, and much less confusing.

Maria expected him to seek their mother's permission once more. To her surprise, her darling brother grasped his beautiful cock without any further hesitation. Her heart skipped a beat at his smile as he rubbed his swollen, leaking knob up and down between their mother's folds.

 

[RandomScribbler]

Thanks for the replies so far!

My biggest issue is "the smile with which..." It sounds like he's rubbing his smile somewhere (unless his cock has unusual properties? ).

I guess "the smile that he gave as he" would be an alternative.

Short, sweet, and much less confusing.

Maria expected him to seek their mother's permission once more. To her surprise, her darling brother grasped his beautiful cock without any further hesitation. Her heart skipped a beat at his smile as he rubbed his swollen, leaking knob up and down between their mother's folds.

I know it might be me, but when I read short sentences like that, they always seem so abrupt.
I can write short sentences (hence the last two examples!) but they just don't seem to flow. :|
(As you can probably see from my three examples, I would tend to join the sentences with "but" then "and".) Does no-one else think that the short sentence versions don't flow?

RS

 

[Euphony]

Sheep

Thanks for the replies so far!



I guess "the smile that he gave as he" would be an alternative.



I know it might be me, but when I read short sentences like that, they always seem so abrupt.
I can write short sentences (hence the last two examples!) but they just don't seem to flow. :|
(As you can probably see from my three examples, I would tend to join the sentences with "but" then "and".) Does no-one else think that the short sentence versions don't flow?

RS

I disagree w/your flow assessment. Both slyc & deserts examples > yours in both rhythm and flow.

Id relate it to herding sheep (of all things)

The two examples all shepard the ideas within the sentences (the "flock") in the same direction. If one idea gets out of line, the unit as a whole is still moving forward and making progress. Work is being done.

Your "ands and buts" feel like you are chain ganging your flock together. It CAN work, maybe even better than the grouping idea. But IMO that type of perfection isn't within most peoples ability.

What happens with yours is one sheep gets out of line and the whole flock grinds to a halt. You're trying to move this whole unit all at once. Getting all the parts flowing in the same general direction would be better and keeps bumps in the literary road (which we all get) from quicksanding you.

Your word choices are fine. Good even. Don't make them all so dependent on each other though. Long sentences of multiply joined ideas become indigestible for readers quickly.(that was my big issue) Think an 8 course meal with each dish pairing well with the next. Don't heap so much on your plate when you don't have to. It aint thanksgiving.

 

[Euphony]

breakdown

My brain was tickled by why I liked slyc and deserts examples but not so much yours. I think Ive figured out (for me as a reader) why.

Yours is too busy.

Here, lemme show you.

Maria expected him to seek their mother's permission once more then, but, to her surprise, her darling brother grasped his beautiful cock without any further hesitation, and her heart skipped a beat at the smile with which he rubbed his swollen, leaking knob up and down between their mother's folds.

Maria expected him to seek their mother's permission once more then > original Maria emotion


but, to her surprise, > switch in Maria's emotion/thought process


darling brother grasped his beautiful cock . > brothers action


without any further hesitation > showing brothers emotion or lack thereof


and her heart skipped a beat at the smile with which . > back to Marias emotion'


he rubbed his swollen, leaking knob up and down between their mother's folds. > back to brothers action




Look at all you had going on. I had to get all that without any breaks to mentally gather then file what Id read/

The other two allowed me time to catch my breath w/o feeling like I was behind in the context/action.

In story would be much worse because you'd likely have the same style sentences fore and aft. I'd get overwhelmed quickly.

 

[mynameisben]

Desertslave's re-writeis pretty much on the money. I like it a lot.

Maria expected him to seek their mother's permission once more. To her surprise, her darling brother grasped his beautiful cock without any further hesitation. Her heart skipped a beat at his smile as he rubbed his swollen, leaking knob up and down between their mother's folds.

The breakup of an overburdened sentence into short and simple (sheep herding) sentences is definitely the right idea. But there is another problem with the original sentence that has to do with pronouns.

I get that the Maria and her "darling brother" are siblings, which logically implies a common mother. So, there's no reason to say "their" mother, since the commonality of motherhood for siblings is common knowledge. And yet, the matriarch is referred to as "their"mother twice. The first "their" reference is forgivable because it introduces the relationships, but the second “their” reference so intimately ties the action between the son and his mother, the pronoun demands to be "his" (his mother) instead of "their" (their mother).

Also, It's ridiculous to assume that the brother hasn't been named by this point in the story. For the sake of illustration, let's assume the brother's name is Jason. Use his name, to make it easier for the reader to follow the action.

Finally, I would strongly consider removing “any further” from the sentence for the sake of economizing unnecessary wordiness.


Here's how I would re-write the sentence(s):

Maria expected him to seek their mother's permission once more. To her surprise, her darling brother grasped his beautiful cock without hesitation. Her heart skipped a beat at Jason's smile as he rubbed his swollen, leaking knob up and down between his mother's folds.

 

[AMoveableBeast]

To be a bit pedantic, form should, nearly always, follow function, and your function is presenting your story in a manner that is both comprehensible and free from unnecessary confusion. I understand having a desire for there to be a certain poetry of language in a piece. I too have that leaning. But real flow is about a controlled stream, not an unrestrained deluge. Strapping words together and tossing them out in big clumps laden with misplaced modifiers and dangling participles isn't impressive; it's distracting. If you want to paint with words, fine, but focus on your brushstrokes, on getting as much vibrancy as possible within the lines, and worry less about how much paint you can smear on the canvas.

 

[RandomScribbler]

Thanks a lot to those who replied.
I'm guessing I'll have to go for the last example that I wrote.

I was trying to find where I got my liking for flowing sentences from, and was quite surprised to see that Asimov did the short sentence structure that I like the least. :| Looks like I was probably influenced by Leslie Charteris - I consider his writing (/ way with words) to be wonderful.

RS