Control or Controlled

[Licia]

Control. I must have control over my own life for my own well-being. If not, I give so much of myself up that I will transform into a sadistic monster, so I prefer to channel that tendency into the positive instead. Again, control.

Eh, I'm the firstborn to both sides of the family. Probably, it correlates.

I'm interested in understanding a PYL's view on how he's able to do that. Am I keying into some signal from him that he wants to do these things and they are suddenly in my mind as my desires? He hasn't spoken of them either. Or is he keying into signals I don't recognize I'm giving off?

*steps up and offers her view*

There are a few men out there who deserve medals. They deserve to have those decorations placed on their chests and be honored as heros because they simply recognize the fact that it may be difficult for a woman to verbally express her innermost desires, much less act those desires out in real time. Those men are sensitive and intelligent enough to pick up on her queues so that he can be her venue. IMO, that man is not lucky, that man is fucking Einstien.

He will ask or "tell" her to show him what sort of sex play she likes. He will be patient and take the time necessary to show her what orgasms are all about. Any "gentleman" worth his salt is smart enough to either ask first or insinuate properly...

One of the ways I recognized my hubby's sexual kinks was his propensity to "take care of me first", and be situated on top for the second wave. I am the more comfortable of the both of us regarding sexuality, so I make it my business to be sensitive to his actions. Actions are where the nuance is rooted, and women can be notoriously subtle.

He's picking up on your subtleties because he's paying attention. The day will come, though, when he makes a mistake. Hopefully, the two of you can work through it.

 

[Chiara_searches]

Control. I must have control over my own life for my own well-being. If not, I give so much of myself up that I will transform into a sadistic monster, so I prefer to channel that tendency into the positive instead. Again, control.

Eh, I'm the firstborn to both sides of the family. Probably, it correlates.

*steps up and offers her view*

There are a few men out there who deserve medals. They deserve to have those decorations placed on their chests and be honored as heros because they simply recognize the fact that it may be difficult for a woman to verbally express her innermost desires, much less act those desires out in real time. Those men are sensitive and intelligent enough to pick up on her queues so that he can be her venue. IMO, that man is not lucky, that man is fucking Einstien.

He will ask or "tell" her to show him what sort of sex play she likes. He will be patient and take the time necessary to show her what orgasms are all about. Any "gentleman" worth his salt is smart enough to either ask first or insinuate properly...

One of the ways I recognized my hubby's sexual kinks was his propensity to "take care of me first", and be situated on top for the second wave. I am the more comfortable of the both of us regarding sexuality, so I make it my business to be sensitive to his actions. Actions are where the nuance is rooted, and women can be notoriously subtle.

He's picking up on your subtleties because he's paying attention. The day will come, though, when he makes a mistake. Hopefully, the two of you can work through it.

Thanks for the insight. I forget to give him credit for paying attention and I already know he does so in every other aspect of our relationship. I guess I'm just so conditioned to not being considered that extensively so I still sometimes have a hard time wrapping my head around it.

I feel, though, that I sometimes fail to give him as much attention; I guess I do it in a different way, but I've talked with him about telling me when I'm being dense.

We have already had one "hiccup", minor so not quite a mistake per se, that we worked through by good old fashion talking. It was purely functional in nature, not something that impacted how we are as people, so I still conclude he has earned my respect. Actually, talking through the hiccup reinforced my respect.

We have also already talked about the likelihood one of us will screw up; at least in theory we're both committed to talking about it instead of blowing a gasket. That alone is a comfort as I'm still tired of gaskets getting tossed off all the time even though the ex has been out of my life nearly three years. But the boyfriend initiated this plan because I mentioned, in passing one evening, that I am afraid to make mistakes. Mistakes are how we learn, he reminded me.

Sorry, I think I wandered off topic.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Thanks for the insight. I forget to give him credit for paying attention and I already know he does so in every other aspect of our relationship. I guess I'm just so conditioned to not being considered that extensively so I still sometimes have a hard time wrapping my head around it.

>snip<

I know I'm guilty of this too. I don't get a direct acknowledgement of everything I say or do, and sometimes I get huffy about it. But then, later on, he'll say or do something that will make me realise he *was* paying attention, and I'm usually a bit floored by it.

I'm a firstborn, and submissive, so it may not be a good broad generalization.

But what I'd like to know is how my guy just seems to know things. I have started talking with him about some of my kinks and my submissive nature. I take those discussions slowly. Yet, three different times in the last three weeks, I've thought to myself "I would like to do X and need to talk to K about it." Without having broached any of those topics, he some how knows to do those things.

Heh. I know this feeling too. It makes planning surprises bloody difficult, because often I'll think of something, and then a week later, he's having the same idea.

 

[BrightlyGo]

I once read something that stated that firstborns were more likely to be dominant, whereas people that aren't firstborn were more likely to be submissive. In my case that's definitely true as I fall in the submissive category.

I'm a firstborn, and submissive, so it may not be a good broad generalization.

I'm a firstborn, and submissive. At least, I was firstborn, as far as I knew, for most of my life. It turned out I had on older half-sister, so on the maternal side, I'm a middle child. Unless there's someone I don't know about on my dad's side, though, I'm a firstborn on that side of the familiy... I should be switch or something. ;P

Without having broached any of those topics, he some how knows to do those things.

It saves a lot of time talking...but leaves me wondering how he just seems to know.

I'm interested in understanding a PYL's view on how he's able to do that. Am I keying into some signal from him that he wants to do these things and they are suddenly in my mind as my desires? He hasn't spoken of them either. Or is he keying into signals I don't recognize I'm giving off?

And as I write the questions, I realize PYLs or even pyls with similar stories can't say what's happening to *me*. But if anyone would care to share their stories, I'd like to hear it, because it might give me insight.

I don't know how, but She seems to know what I need better than I do. Not what I want, exactly, but actually need. She says men are just simple creatures, they need food, rest, or sex - rarely ever anything more than that - but I'm pretty sure She's just kidding. We've been married over 20 years, She just knows me really well. Yes, it's probably ques or unconscious signals of some kind.

 

[paulthewetcd]

There could be a host of reasons why so many people are into being 'controlled'. I think a great amount of it has to do with one's childhood, culture, religion...etc.,. Also, when you consider where not too many people have different experiences when it comes to childhood its a no wonder why so many tend to have similar likes when it comes to sex. One of the most common experiences of those going through adolescence is the feeling of guilt when discovering sex. The most common feeling of guilt comes after masturbation. Guilt comes with shame, secrecy and feeling dirty and thinking of oneself as being bad. Its rather interesting how those that like to be controlled seem to get pleasure from the idea of doing something wrong so they need someone to lead them down the right path where they can be properly disciplined.

Not a fact, just my idle thoughts on the topic.

I would be honored if you allowed me to submit to you...
...Or, I insist that you submit to me!

 

[new_to_you]

looks like the longer this poll sat on the board, the more the ratio slimmed. it's at 2-1 now.

this is an old thread, so i wonder will anyone read my input? i am by nature submissive, but i know i have a (somewhat smaller) PYL side as well. whenever i start dating someone who has submissive tendencies, at first i think, "yeah, i could be into topping him" but then i just can't get into it. when i'm with a man who's more dominant or aggressive, though, i feel more like fighting back and climbing on top...but only after i've had my submissive needs fulfilled. i guess if there were a kinsey scale for this, i'd be a 2.

 

[dreamykitten2]

I'm a switch

So naturally I vote for both!

 

[Callmetim]

So naturally I vote for both!

I agree, this poll requires two votes.

 

[oneguy4fun]

I love to be controlled, so that's what I voted for. However, if I met a submissive girl who desired control, I would enjoy controlling her. It just not something I would seek out.

 

[alchemyandlaughter]

Ok...I'll Bite.

Every Alpha Male needs his Alpha Female....Just as every Dom needs his own sub to feel fulfilled and satisfied, and vice verse. It's the same equation....a variation of nature's theme of Yin and Yang, playing itself out in the world of Bdsm.

Depending on a person's reasons.....it takes a lot of courage to enter the world of bdsm as a submissive, and hopefully a lot of self-knowledge.

I am new to this site, and mostly I just read rather than post. But, from what I've gathered, so far (and I am generalizing--as I know there are exceptions) I would say that there are 2 kinds of subs, with regards to age.....

Those like me, who are self aware and have had plenty of opportunity to seize and wield control in every aspect of their lives.....coming onto the scene in their thirties (or later)...hoping to relinquish control to some deserving Soul, in the hopes of feeling deeply known, appreciated, fulfilled and understood. And we are the kind to take our time in our Search. We are looking for something deeper and more meaningful.

And then there's the younger variety. Eager, Eager, Eager.....some want it for healthy reasons.....some want it for foolish reasons. Enough said on that.

Either way, whether you have a good sense of Self-worth or Not, it takes a lot of courage to offer your submission and relinquish control. Just sayin' !

My hat's off to all the good DOMs out there who are taking proper care with their subs, and making it a creative and rewarding experience for both sides involved.

 

[paulthewetcd]

So naturally I vote for both!

I too am a switch...keeps life interesting!

 

[dreamykitten2]

For me

And this is my Experience. I have had the best of both worlds as I am a switch. I love having both sides. And I believe for me I would be lost without both. I think being a sub just might edge out the Domme side if I'm being truthful. But it's fun having a choice and going with what you are feeling in the moment.

 

[paulthewetcd]

And this is my Experience. I have had the best of both worlds as I am a switch. I love having both sides. And I believe for me I would be lost without both. I think being a sub just might edge out the Domme side if I'm being truthful. But it's fun having a choice and going with what you are feeling in the moment.

Yes, we are complicated people on one hand...but oh, so simple on the other hand, because we are adaptable and accomodate change so well.

I love the ability to go both ways.

Flexible.

 

[Avellan13]

Be controlled.
So I'm guessing if you're both, that's another named for being a switch?

 

[elysium_quester]

For me, I picked "Both".

But this is why:

My fantasies mostly revolve around domination, but (and I'm unsure why) I could never imagine myself doing that in real life, however I feel that may change as I get older. The person I'm dominating always has an identity, a real person that I know, but there's this whole story--married, been together for years, love, cherish--but when I'm fantasizing about submission, my dominant is rarely someone with a face, just the general things that turn me on.

If anyone would like to psychoanalyze that, be my guest.

And, yes, just from other online experiances, there are tons more submissives than dominants.

 

[tanja396]

I actually noticed for myself that male really tend to be more on the dominant side, whereas girls tend to be more submissive than dominant. Can this be said so? What's your experience?

 

[Fresh_N_wild]

Yes, we are complicated people on one hand...but oh, so simple on the other hand, because we are adaptable and accomodate change so well.

I love the ability to go both ways.

Flexible.

I'm a switch! First born here but that has.nothing to do with it.
I get progressively dominant if you'd let me because I like being dominant and on top.
I do like being controlled but it takes a specially wicked person to control, my own personal dominant streak!

 

[soccergurl7]

I long to be controlled

 

[Stella_Omega]

I actually noticed for myself that male really tend to be more on the dominant side, whereas girls tend to be more submissive than dominant. Can this be said so? What's your experience?

This can not be said so, no.

My experience is that only a few males, or females, are dominant-- everyone else is a service top.

 

[sunandshadow]

There's no option for neither? I strongly dislike both someone attempting to control me and someone asking me to control them. But then, I'm not in the target audience for this forum, I just like answering polls.

 

[bone251]

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