Contrast in Parenting.....

[Adoratrice]

I need some creative parenting contrasts such as .....

Parenting is not about calling your kids once a month and asking "How are your grades" It is about staying up until midnight going over a math concept until they understand it and are comfortable with it, it is about knowing all the teachers names , it is about anxiously waiting for them to get home so you can find out how they did on a test they were worried about, it is about checking backpacks to make sure everything is in order, it is about taking the time to go to a conference and actually sit through a boring PTA meeting, it is about keeping a file cabinet full of school supplies so there is never an excuse, it is about knowing what their grades are going to be even before the report card comes.


As you might have guessed I am gearing up to write a letter..............I would greatly appreciate some input.....hey I don't ask for much here so humor me

 

[bluntforcemama]

You're a teacher's DREAM parent! Wow... If only all the teachers were so lucky as to have a parent of a child like you in their classroom.

 

[cymbidia]

What are you looking for?

I'm not sure i understand at all what you need... though i agree wholeheartedly with what you've said thus far!

 

[Adoratrice]

Okay sorry...I have a bad habit of thinking a million things at once but only getting a small portion of it out of my head........I am writting a letter to my ex husband who is a total deadbeat....I won't bore you with the details but I am trying to get it into his big block head what the difference between being a REAL parent and some weekend warrior is (every other month actually) . I have come up with about 20 different things so far but I want more!!!! soooooo I need some comparisons.... Real parenting-vs-poser parenting. Does that help?...sorry I confused you ...I hope this makes sense. Thank you all in advance


edit: I forgot to say thank you to Myst.....Thank you...I work REALLY hard at being a good mom and I am just fed up with him thinking he is Dad of the year just because he knows how to order a Happy meal.

 

[bluntforcemama]

LOL... happy meals aren't too bad. Don't worry, hon... I deal with parents who care, even when their spouses aren't as aggressive in school situations involving their kids, and so I direct the conversation towards the more attentive parent. You're still a dream, and I know that teachers love parents like you!

 

[KillerMuffin]

Okay, you aren't exactly writing a letter here, you're writing a persuasive essay. You want him to do something. First, ask yourself some questions, "What do I want to accomplish? (get him to do). What concerns does he have in regards to doing this accomplishment that need to be addressed? Does guilt work better than threats?"

You want him to be active in your children's lives? You want him to recognize that you're the parent and he's not? You want more child support? What do you want?

You then use supporting information to make an argument that he shouldn't be able to refute. How do you do the parenting and how does he avoid it? How does he skimp in contributing to the children's lives? How do the children react to their father in thought, mentioning, and when they see him?

Part of that argument is explaining what his problems are and refuting them. It costs too much. I don't have the time. I live across town/in another city/too far away. I have to work my ass off to support myself and pay you all that child support. Yada yada yada. I'm sure you've heard all his excuses.

Then the last bit is the "plea" for whatever it is that you want him to do with minor rehashing of what you've already told him.

Keep in mind a few things:

Accusations are not going to help you accomplish your goal. They'll make him ball up the letter and throw it away. Don't start a sentence with any variation of "You."

Something that comes across overly laden with guilt isn't going to help you accomplish your goal. "I stayed up for 48 hours straight to take care of a sick child while you vacationed instead." That will also make him ball up the letter and throw it away.

Don't be passive. That won't accomplish your goal either. "I'd really like it if you could, if you have time, come and see your kids every weekend, if that's okay with you." That will make him laugh at you, then ball up the letter and throw it away.

Corollary to passivity. Don't use passive language. "Having dinner every Wednesday night would be something the kids would love." Use active language. Make the subject of the sentence do the action, not receive it. "The kids would love dinner with you every Wednesday night."

Be assertive. "I feel like you aren't taking a large enough role in the kids' lives. They need their father just as much as they need their mother." That's better than being passive or saying "You don't do much for the kids, it's like you're never there. They need you, too."

Keep a copy of it.

 

[bluntforcemama]

And this is why Muff is running for the school board! YEAH!

 

[Harbinger]

I'd also like to add:

Try to put it in terms that illustrate why the results you want are important to him.

He loves his children, so he wants them to be happy. They need to do well in school, and his contribution will help them succeed. He is the primary male role model for them and would want to be worthy of respect in their eyes. A man that takes care of his responsibilities is entitled to self-respect. Regular and frequent contact is essential to building and keeping a trusting and loving relationship with a child. Like that.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Don't forget the corollary to that, Harbinger, which is to not lecture or preach to him. That can get real easy when you start getting emotional with that particular subject matter because it's such an effective tool in persuasive communication.

 

[Harbinger]

True, KM, it's easier said than done. When I'm trying to sell someone on something I want I try to start with what they might want. Sometimes it's a carrot. Sometimes it has to be avoiding the stick.

By the way, how did you get so smart? I know you must be smart because I almost always agree with you.

 

[Adoratrice]

You guys are so cool. But you already knew that.

Killer, you hit the nail on the head . I have considered all this, I am so emotionally tied up in this that I am having a really hard time doing and writing it the way I know I *Need* to instead of how I *Want* to. I need to back up and figure out what I want the end result to be...I mean sure it would be great if in a fit of guilt he decided to pay more than $200.00 a month for 2 children...which he is $1000.00 behind in by the way. The fact that he has driven the 2 hours to his children's house a total of 2 times in the last 5 years compared to my driving them to him an average of twice a month makes me want to strangle him , roll him in my good oriental rug and dump him in the river...but who is really going to benefit from that? I know I really shouldn't complain.....it only took him a week to call them after last tuesday to see if they were scared...he was busy at work after all...nevermind that he only calls from work so he won't have to pay long distance.

Harbinger you made some good points also, I am just not sure I could be so nice to him....but a few things...he is not their main male role model *THANK GOD* I am married to a wonderful man who they consider to be their father in every sense of the word....we have never been a "stepfamily" . I know my reasoning is selfish but I just can't let it go and let him keep walking all over me...I am trying to keep calm and not let his suffering become my goal.......oh but the dreams I have


SO I guess my point/problem is that I don't want him to think I need anything from him....(as far as money goes, I don't it's just a principal thing) but at the same time I want him to know what he is missing out on....

I really don't expect you guys to "Fix" this....I know I am hardheaded and stuborn but it makes me feel better to vent a bit.

Thank you.

 

[Never]

Adoratrice:
"Parenting is not about calling your kids once a month and asking "How are your grades" It is about staying up until midnight going over a math concept until they understand it and are comfortable with it, it is about knowing all the teachers names , it is about anxiously waiting for them to get home so you can find out how they did on a test they were worried about, it is about checking backpacks to make sure everything is in order, it is about taking the time to go to a conference and actually sit through a boring PTA meeting, it is about keeping a file cabinet full of school supplies so there is never an excuse, it is about knowing what their grades are going to be even before the report card comes."

I don't see how a parent could have the time or energy to do any - let alone all, of the above.

 

[Adoratrice]

*Blinks*.........I do this and more for 3 children. 1 Average child, 1 special needs child & 1 Gifted child.



Don't even tell me I have been doing more than what is state mandated.....so help me God..........somebody needs to write a manual.






*************************************************
What did you think kept me so busy ?
I've missed you....

 

[Never]

I've missed you as well Adoritrice.

I still say that's a hell of a lot more than the average parent can do, or should be asked to do.

 

[Leagle Eagle]

Contrast in parenting

I sit here amazed at the total good sense of everything said.
However, a thought (I too am a stepparent and an absentl parent and have experienced the anguish of seeing and not seeing and my step children not seeing the other, if that makes sense). It is one I have espressed to my clients over the years and one that I have discussed with my (step)daughter in relation t0 the father of her children.
If the contact by the absent parent is so forced, does it actually do any good?
If the children are happily subsumed into the new family, why force a relationship that possibly nobody actualy wants? Continued anguish of this sort creates stress in the new relationship - however good or long lasting.
However - good luck and enjoy the kids (and the work that goes with them!)