Constructive critique please

[loumey1]

Hi all,

I am looking for constructive feedback on my sex scene since I am new to writing up that particular activity. My style is a bit more novelist in that I have built up the story and characters before they got to the main event, so to speak, so if you don't feel like reading the entire chapter (or the previous chapters for that matter), that's cool, just skip to the third page. Just a head's up this story posts in the nonhuman section, so my characters do have a few extra abilities.

Also, I just want to clarify that what I mean by constructive feedback is that I am not looking for someone to tell me something like 'I hate it.' That type of feedback is not helpful because it doesn't tell me how to make it better. If you hate it, I'm ok with that, just please tell me why so I can do something about it in future chapters.

Thanks!

http://www.literotica.com/s/something-new-ch-06

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I read the first paragraph. One is enough.

Two things: #1 Dump the passive, static verbs (is am are was were be being been do does did have has had shall will should would may might must can could etc). Use them when nuthin else works better. #2 Too much narrative. Use narrative for static stuff, use action verbs and dialogue for whats dynamic.

 

[loumey1]

Thank you for the feedback, both points are useful and I appreciate it.

The passive voice issue is something I struggle with since I have more background in formal writing (e.g. research papers and journals) than story writing. I didn't realize I had slipped backwards on that point, so I am grateful for the comment.

The narrative voice is definitely more difficult for me to address. Anytime I try to get away from it the story tends to go downhill. However, as the cab driver said when asked how to get to Carnegie Hall - practice, practice, practice. I will practice a more non-narrative writing style so I can make my story more balanced.

Once again, I appreciate the feedback.

Thanks!

 

[Guest]

deleted

 

[loumey1]

I hadn't considered I was overdoing the internal thoughts, and I will definitely pare that down. In the past I have had the opposite problem in stories, so now I just need to find that happy balance.

I also really appreciate the concrete example you gave me on re-phrasing. Having a re-worked sentence from the story itself anchors how to shift away from passive voice within the context of the story.

Thank you for taking the time to read and give me the great feedback, and thank you also for reading up to the point you were comfortable with in the story, it is appreciated.

 

[jolenekendry]

Hi!

Something you may consider to make the reading more dynamic is to vary your sentence length. Write one long sentence, one mid-length sentence, two short sentences, another mid-length sentence, you get the idea. Switches things up a bit. It's also helpful when you're reworking a piece to get rid of passive voice.

Thanks for the read!

 

[loumey1]

Thanks, I will keep the sentence length thing in mind since it does add that dynamic feel into the text. I do have to watch the length of my sentences. I seem to have an aversion to short ones, and when I was young I used to get dinged regularly for run-ons. lol