Constructive Criticism

[Roscoe0829]

I have just posted a new story to the site and would like to receive good constructive criticism. As much as the public comments are appreciated I am getting tired of the anonymous sarcastic hate filled comments that are posted.

I want to thank you in advance for you opinions and comments and look forward to reading them.

Below is the link to my new story.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=447335

Thank you,
Roscoe0829

 

[Guest]

Your story

While I found the story of the husband and wife sharing the story in bed to be an interesting concept, it is difficult to write a story in a flashback setting.

yes, I know that the majority of these stories are written in the past tense, and are therefore all flashbacks, but I found your use of the technique to be unpleasantly executed, and "ham-handed" Better to have started it out with "My wife and I lay in bed talking the other night. I had let her go out with her Cousin, Gina, while I stayed at home with the kids......." Then keep it all in that tense.

Additionally, I felt that the way you switched storytellers ("...and from here on the events that transpired will be from Christine's point of view.") to be difficult and awkward. A fix for that would have been to start telling the story from Christine's point of view in the first place. you could have started out with "I lay there stroking his cock, the thought of last night keeping me moist as I turned to face him..."

It is as though you switch narrators in the middle of the story. While the visuals were there, and the descriptions were adequate, the shift in speakers without giving each of them their own literary voice detracted from what could have been a great story.

Finally, I found the dialogue in the beginning to be awkward. Not specifically what they said, but how it was presented. I suggest that you toss in finishes to each sentence of dialogue, to differentiate between speakers. The occasional 'I said, "Care to fill me in as to how much fun you had?" ' would have made the back and forth between the couple not only more convincing but a much easier read.

Good Luck, it seems as though you have talent, and I realy liked the idea of a swinging flashback. I thought it was a method I have not read enough on here. I just wish that you had let a few more sets of eyes edit it before you let the story loose on the readership.

 

[Roscoe0829]

Thank you for your comments, I will take your advise for my future writings. It is a nice change to have someone actually give positive suggestions instead of, "You suck!" comments.

Thanks again,
roscoe0829

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Find an editor and go spend some time in the Writer's Resource Forum. Look for the stuff in their by KillerMuffin. It will help you.

The problem you have with this story is that you start out with a conversation, then switch to a narration then back to a conversation. In switching back and forth it's unclear who's in charge.

The device of using remembered scenes is easy to do, but the device needs a break to separate it from "now" and "then." From that point on the remembered scene becomes the "now" and you just write it.

As far as you plot, it's okay. Not what I would write and has an element of unbelievability to it. That seems to be well accepted here on Lit, though, as long as someone gets off.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

This is a very poorly constructed story. If you want the wife to tell a first person experience, the tedious 'I am a husband' start should not be there.

From a general view, I admit, you don't seem to know who you're writing for or whom you're writing about.

As others have said, you move about between narration, conversation and explication. You must tighten your writing to get more readers.