Constant Stares

[xMySweetGirlx]

This is my first attempt at writing a quick,simple story. Please let me know what you think. I'm sure I can add to it. This is just a start. Thanks guys!

Constant Stares

Is it me.. or every time you look at me I feel a sense of heat shoot up my body as if your eyes are undressing every inch of my body.

The way you stare is almost seductive telling me I have no say in the matter. That my clothes will soon be off and my body is yours to the taking.

Is it I giving you the clearance to molest me in every sense known to man, that I will in fact allow you to grope me and do as you please.

Your stares are constant and almost frightening. Not knowing where you will start first makes me nervous.

What is it you want from me? What is it you desire?

Just the feeling you'll start up at my neck and work your way down sends shivers down to my thighs.

Not knowing if you'll force yourself upon me or slowly look over every square inch of my body circles in my mind.

To be embraced or taken does not cross my mind. I long for attention and the raping of your eyes does me justice. I want and need what must be given.

What is it that lies behind your eyes? You now have my attention. With the smallest smirk of your lips indicates whats soon to be the deepest penetration of your body going into me which makes me to think I should to smirk back indicating I want whats going to be given.

With only a glance you've already taken me. Now all I am to do is wait.

 

[lovecraft68]

Hi and welcome to the forums.

I think this has potential, but needs polishing.

A couple of things I noticed.

Lose the word almost. It's not almost seductive it is seductive. Almost is a word I used a lot when I started and several writers told me to break that habit, so I am passing that on to you now.

Also, the word up, "Start up at my neck." Just as easy to say start at my neck. "A sense of heat up through my body"

Your intense stare causes a wave of heat to flow through me- would be my wording. Just an example, but the up makes it sound strange


There's some awkward phrasing that I think you'll spot if you sit and read this out loud to yourself or have someone read to you. I've found hearing my writing to be a big help.

But its a good start and has the room to grow into something more.

 

[PennLady]

To post on Lit, you'll need to add to it, since the minimum is 750 words; unless you post a poem.

I'd have to second lovecraft's recommendations, and add a few others. You could use commas or semicolons where you have periods, such as the second sentence:

The way you stare is seductive, telling me I have no say in the matter; that my clothes will soon be off and my body is yours for the taking.

You also repeat the phrase "my body" a lot. In a poem, this might work as a device of some sort. I don't think it works so well here.

 

[sr71plt]

A semicolon isn't really proper in that example. The second clause isn't an independent one. Semicolons can be used to connect too very closely related independent clauses--but they both need to be independent. An em dash could be used there.

 

[PennLady]

A semicolon isn't really proper in that example. The second clause isn't an independent one. Semicolons can be used to connect too very closely related independent clauses--but they both need to be independent. An em dash could be used there.

Okay. Mostly I was thinking that the two sentences were awkward and should be joined somehow.

 

[sr71plt]

Okay. Mostly I was thinking that the two sentences were awkward and should be joined somehow.

The problem is they aren't two sentences. The second one is just a clause. The kicker here, though, is that in commercial fiction you can put a period there and have an incomplete sentence. Afraid I do it quite a bit. It's used for conversational narration.

(And no doubt has some Litsers assuming I'm being ungrammatical. I'm just being mainstream commercial.)

 

[PennLady]

The problem is they aren't two sentences. The second one is just a clause. The kicker here, though, is that in commercial fiction you can put a period there and have an incomplete sentence. Afraid I do it quite a bit. It's used for conversational narration.

(And no doubt has some Litsers assuming I'm being ungrammatical. I'm just being mainstream commercial.)

I'm fine with incomplete sentences and clauses in fiction. I do it myself and don't mind reading it. I probably don't even notice most times. However it's resolved, the problem (to me) with that particular line is that it's awkwardly rendered, and whether that should be fixed with language or punctuation or both, I'm not sure.