Confusion

[sweet1428]

Deleted

Deleted

 

[Huntress2603]

Sweet, I know very little about BDSM. I'm here to learn more, just like you. But the issue you're having isn't a BSDM issue, it's a human issue...as in, the guy you've met online isn't being a very good one by pressuring you to do something you don't want to do. Whenever a partner pressures the other to go beyond his/her comfort zone, that's a red flag.

Now, add to that what I do know about BDSM, thanks to many of the good people on this board: that it's a relationship based on trust, communication and an agreement of what is and is not acceptable. And he's no upholding those standards, either.

So, basically, it seems like this guy is neither a good person nor a good Dom. Don't pursue this relationship any further.

 

[sweet1428]

You're right

Thank you

 

[Primalex]

I'd like to be a sub to a Dom

No, you don't. You just feel comfortable when someone else has the control, so you don't have to deal with your insecurity. That's not the same as the desire to submit to a person.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Sweet, please read the essay in my sig. It might help you -- more than one way to think about what you want and more than one way to get it.
Plus, it might help you think of which questions you want to ask first.

 

[sweet1428]

Sweet, please read the essay in my sig. It might help you -- more than one way to think about what you want and more than one way to get it.
Plus, it might help you think of which questions you want to ask first.

Thank you for writing the essay, it was very helpful. I know that the little I have dipped into BDSM, I have very much enjoyed submitting which is why I wanted to explore it more! Thanks for the help!

 

[knot_sweet]

Hi sweet

BDSM is as extreme or not as you choose. Everyone has their limits and their turn offs / ons, and you play with someone who shares the majority of both.

For instance, I once tried to sub to a dominant who liked to focus his attention on the stomach area. It didn't work for me. I don't enjoy either pain or pleasure focused on that part of my body.

You may not like pain at all, and that's a valid choice. You may like the structure and ceremonial aspects of the more old school D/s, or like humiliation or want someone to spank you a little then make it all better.

Any way you want to play around with BDSM is fine, so long as you can find a partner who wants to play with you. There is no one way, and unless we're talking safety, anyone who tries to tell you different is someone you should probably be wary of.

The dominant does not have complete control over your life 24/7 unless you agree to give it to them. In fact, any dominant only has as much control as you allow them, period, ever, end of story.

So if the on-line person you're seeing now is trying to make you do things and put you in situations you are not ok with, you say no. If it was a non-dominant guy you were trying to date, would you put up with that? Probably not, so why would you suddenly start allowing it just because he's a "dominant"?

 

[Bramblethorn]

How extreme does it all have to be? If you take on an online Dom or even a real life one, does it have to be 24/7? Do the Doms really control all aspects of your life? Any basic concern questions as a newcomer are basically what I'm curious to know!

I have about a dozen friends in BDSM relationships of one stripe or another, and none of them do the 24/7 total submission thing. Not that it doesn't exist, but it gets a disproportionate amount of coverage.

For a lot of people BDSM doesn't go outside the bedroom. For most of those people, if you just watched how they relate to one another publicly, you'd probably never know that there was anything kinky going on there. Just because you like being a sub in bed doesn't mean you have to be the only one who washes the dishes.

That said, some subs enjoy acts of domestic service as part of the submission. That's cool too, if it's your thing, but it's not the only way to play.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I am 20 years old, I'm very inexperienced...I discovered the BDSM world and found myself intrigued. I met this guy online who wants to be my first Dom, but I'm having some issues. I'm hoping someone can help. I'm a virgin and he wants to take my virginity,

but I'm not sure how comfortable I am with that, when playing online that's fine, but in real life that seems scary. I am submissive by nature and I would like to further explore that through BDSM, however, there are some things I've read that I just don't think I would be comfortable doing.

....

Are there any Doms or subs out there who can lend a hand? I'd like to be a sub to a Dom, but I also need that Dom to be patient and understanding with me, which this guy is not being.

Help? Please & Thanks

I presume the icons I added above are relatively self-explanatory...

Can you spell P-R-E-D-A-T-O-R?

How extreme does it all have to be? If you take on an online Dom or even a real life one, does it have to be 24/7? Do the Doms really control all aspects of your life? Any basic concern questions as a newcomer are basically what I'm curious to know!

As was said by at least one responder above, it doesn't have to be extreme at all. Period.

24/7 (online or real-life) is the exception in the BDSM culture, NOT the rule.

A Dominant controls only those aspects of your life over which you choose to give him/her control. (This may not strictly apply to Master/slave relationships, but that wasn't what you asked. "True" Master/slave is a tiny subset of D/s, and essentially deserves its own category.)

I'd advise that, at your age and level of sexual experience, you explore real-life relationships first - dating, necking, petting, finally getting to sex, if that's what you choose to do. Don't worry if those relationships don't start out as D/s. If you're as submissive as you appear to think you are, you'll have a tendency to seek out partners who, to you, exhibit natural dominant behavior traits. You should in short order discover the difference between someone who is dominant and someone who is domineering. If you're not sure of the difference, carefully read all the definitions you can find of the two words and compare them, then try to relate them to the people you meet.

One last bit of advice: Re-read Stella's essay on Tops, bottoms, etc. Then re-re-read it again in a week or two, and probably about once a month or so until you've actually wriggled your way - perhaps without really thinking about it - into a relationship that works for your needs and desires.

Good luck to you, and welcome to BDSM Talk and the Café, where the discussions are mostly more lighthearted, and not always related to BDSM, but mostly come from the viewpoint(s) of people who are, to some degree, involved in the BDSM culture. It *is* a somewhat different angle than the non-kink world mostly thinks from. And it's a lot of fun and camaraderie, too.

 

[knot_sweet]

Sir Winston - we should get those wonderfully handy icons listed as permanent emoticon thingies just for us Lit BDSMers.

So useful.

 

[Stella_Omega]

And remember, nobody 'takes your virginity'

You decide to have PIV sex for the first time.

It's totally up to you what you make of it. Not your partner.

 

[Primalex]

So if the on-line person you're seeing now is trying to make you do things and put you in situations you are not ok with, you say no. If it was a non-dominant guy you were trying to date, would you put up with that? Probably not, so why would you suddenly start allowing it just because he's a "dominant"?

Well, the question might be right in this special case, but actually it is kinda confusing, because you can ask this question with any BDSM activity. "Why would you allow a guy to paddle you - just because you are in a SM relationship with him?" "Uhm yes, that's the whole fucking point of it."

As I said, for this special case your question might be fine, but there is the tone in there that limitplay cannot be BDSM or is inherently wrong in a relationship.

 

[knot_sweet]

Well, the question might be right in this special case, but actually it is kinda confusing, because you can ask this question with any BDSM activity. "Why would you allow a guy to paddle you - just because you are in a SM relationship with him?" "Uhm yes, that's the whole fucking point of it."

As I said, for this special case your question might be fine, but there is the tone in there that limitplay cannot be BDSM or is inherently wrong in a relationship.

BDSM is about consent.

If the person I'm playing with is causing me pain, you can be damn sure I've agreed to let that happen.

So yes, I'm ok with it I don't do things I'm not ok with.

What each person is ok with is up to them, but it doesn't change the parameters of consent.

Vanilla or kink, you don't do things you aren't ok with.

And people who deliberately cross the lines you put up are abusers, not dominants.

That said, lines are sometimes crossed out of ignorance or inexperience. We try to limit that happening by learning and paying attention.

 

[Primalex]

BDSM is about consent.

Society is about consent.
Society views nearly all consensual activities as acceptable.
Society views nearly all non-consensual activities as not acceptable.

BDSM is about consent as much as parachuting is about consent - not at all. Parachuting is about jumping from something with a parachute. It is wrong to just push someone from a plane who doesn't want to, especially if there is no parachute. This does not mean that "parachuting is about consent".

If the person I'm playing with is causing me pain, you can be damn sure I've agreed to let that happen.

So yes, I'm ok with it I don't do things I'm not ok with.

What each person is ok with is up to them, but it doesn't change the parameters of consent.

Vanilla or kink, you don't do things you aren't ok with.

And people who deliberately cross the lines you put up are abusers, not dominants.

He didn't cross a line. He didn't cause pain. He didn't rape her. If he says "Come over, I'm gonna rip your little cherry into pieces" and she does come over and strips naked and spreads her legs and says:"Go for it", it is consent, no matter whether she feels comfortable or uncomfortable.

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

You are inexperienced, in sex, in BSDM, in life.
There are guys out there, who will seek out inexperience and exploit it. This fella sounds like one of those.
I am really glad you are seeking advice before this so called Dom pushes you to do something you don't want.
You have all the time in the world, throw this one back and look for one who will explore your sexuality with you, rather than impose their's on you.
As Sir W demonstrated, there are red flags flying high all over this relationship.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

You are inexperienced, in sex, in BSDM, in life.
There are guys out there, who will seek out inexperience and exploit it. This fella sounds like one of those.
I am really glad you are seeking advice before this so called Dom pushes you to do something you don't want.
You have all the time in the world, throw this one back and look for one who will explore your sexuality with you, rather than impose theirs on you.
As Sir W demonstrated, there are red flags flying high all over this relationship.

wØØt!

The red bolded portion of this post should be in a sticky!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Sir Winston - we should get those wonderfully handy icons listed as permanent emoticon thingies just for us Lit BDSMers.

So useful.

Maybe someone with PhotoShop skills could jack the red flag icon and shrink it down to a bit more usable size and post it for those of us who would like to re-jack it and use it on appropriate occasions? <hint, hint>

 

[knot_sweet]

Maybe someone with PhotoShop skills could jack the red flag icon and shrink it down to a bit more usable size and post it for those of us who would like to re-jack it and use it on appropriate occasions? <hint, hint>

hope you're not hinting at me. I can't even work the multi quote function.

 

[yossi]

Maybe someone with PhotoShop skills could jack the red flag icon and shrink it down to a bit more usable size and post it for those of us who would like to re-jack it and use it on appropriate occasions? <hint, hint>

Ta-da.

 

[LallyH]

How extreme does it all have to be? If you take on an online Dom or even a real life one, does it have to be 24/7?)

This bothers me. It seems like someone or something has made you feel that there is a test to pass, a list of tasks to undertake to have a *proper* relationship. The only thing it has to be is a relationship that brings you joy. How you achieve that is up to you - please listen to what the other experienced posters have advised for you.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Ta-da.

Thank you! It's now saved to my photobucket for use when apropos

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

wØØt!

The red bolded portion of this post should be in a sticky!

 

[Wilfulove]

I am 20 years old, I'm very inexperienced...I discovered the BDSM world and found myself intrigued. I met this guy online who wants to be my first Dom, but I'm having some issues. I'm hoping someone can help. I'm a virgin and he wants to take my virginity, but I'm not sure how comfortable I am with that, when playing online that's fine, but in real life that seems scary. I am submissive by nature and I would like to further explore that through BDSM, however, there are some things I've read that I just don't think I would be comfortable doing.
How extreme does it all have to be? If you take on an online Dom or even a real life one, does it have to be 24/7? Do the Doms really control all aspects of your life? Any basic concern questions as a newcomer are basically what I'm curious to know!
Are there any Doms or subs out there who can lend a hand? I'd like to be a sub to a Dom, but I also need that Dom to be patient and understanding with me, which this guy is not being. Help? Please & Thanks

Dear Sweet. Your post is both joy and pain

Joy that in this modern world of sexualising children from an early age, the constant barrage of sex on TV, in music, teen fiction and leaving nothing to the imagination and the pressure that must come with that, the message that if you arent having sex as a young person, then you arent normal and certainly not having fun, yet here you here, a virgin in this "do it now" world.

The pain that, with out harldy any sexual experience you would choose D/S so early on and that some predator scumbag is putting you under pressure.
He's probably married and sees you just as a trophy.

If you have waited this long, then I implore you. Step away from the computer and go and meet someone real who genuinely cares for you and will see your flower not as a trophy but a natural expression of mutual love.

Join a club or social group and I'm sure you will find someone.
I'm sure if you asked enough women about their first time, there would be those for who it wasnt special or magical and I fear you will join them.

I really feel that D/S is for experienced people and the natural act of lovemaking will be more than enough for you at first.
You say you are submissive by nature, but you are still young and with the right encouragement you could find you are in fact quite assertive and that its natural for someone so young to be a little timid or lack confidence.
That will come with experience

I wish you well for the future and I hope you find a full life away from the keyboard

 

[Stella_Omega]

Ahaha yeah, that's what I heard at age 16, but it didn't take.

 

[sweet1428]

Thank you all for the kind words and advice. I will not be in contact with that online Dom anymore...for those of you who wanted to know! I really appreciate all the help, I still feel BDSM is something I'd like to learn more about and explore, but it'll probably be a slow learning process! Thank you all! I appreciate your kindness!