confused... mom... i don't know

[rosebud5446]

fuck i don't even know where to start.

what do you do with a mom that isn't a mother?

my mom loves me very much, but she has alot of problems.

she is an alcoholic, and she uses it more when she is trying to drown sorrows. well, 4 years ago, my brother died from a car accident... since then, on the anniversary of the wreck, she kicked me out of the house and tried to physically abuse me (with little luck, she was drunk and i didn't have much of a problem pushing her off me and her falling or something). and the reason for kicking me out? she had been really hard on me about things lately, and demanded i did a ridiculous chore (like cleaning out the fireplace or something stupid) but i said i was going to do it when i got back from a mandatory debate meeting for school. when i came home, i went to fix a sandwich, and she kicked me out.

little things happen like this here and there, not nearly as momentous...

until yesterday, i went to visit because it was the around the anniversary of my brother's death, and i thought she could use some company (she still takes it very hard, especially when alcohol is in the mix)... she had been drinking before i got there, i was trying to be happy, carry a conversation, because she wasn't very talkative... trying to make her happy and have a good visit with her, she went to the bathroom, came back completely beligerent to me about how i don't love her, don't ever go to see her, alot of ... blah. I CONSTANTLY try to call her, she is always sleeping, or cant talk because she's getting ready for work, or her phone line is busy, because she's gabbing with one of her friends. she works from 2pm to 12am, and i have school (when i go, which i have been very good at lately, had more motivation after the other post, thanks guys.) there's alot of other stuff that went on. she told me to "leave and get out of my life!', which i responded "i'll leave your house,but i'm not leaving your life" and stormed out.

all my cllose ones gave me the advise about how it's not my fault and she just has alot of problems, i cant help but worry about her now though (when i was a little kid, i would always worry about my mom, even if it was irrational... i'm worried she may even commit suicide, i haven't told anyone, because ithink it just might be in my head. even though i am worried, i'm upset, i still don't want to talk to her, i don't know how long i should wait to talk to her. i dont want to call her, because i don't feel like i did anything wrong. i also feel that she doesn't understand (and i've told her this before, and everyone agrees that it's nearly impossible to get ahold of her. that we have very different schedules, and i'm trying to live my life. some think she is jealous that i'm doing something with my life, she said she feels like she has no purpose. at the beginning of the argument, i was just asking questions...'mom, what's wrong, how can i fix it?, jsut tell me what's bugging you, or else i cant help, then she just blew up. and i did too... said alot of things i have wanted to say, how i feel that she cares about alcohol more than me, which i have told her many times before, how in high school, i was the parent more than her, i could go on about all this shit i have in my head about what happened and my thoughts on the consideration.

i can't help but think of an experiment Dr. Harry Harlow did on monkeys (albiet a very cruel one) it had a fake mother for a baby monkey to grow attached to, the babie's loved their fake mother made of cloth. even though it did nothing to nurture them but simply be there. then they made the cloth mother jut out spikes at the baby when it would go to it, but the monkey always came back to it's 'mother' with loving open arms for safety.
i am just wondering if i should go back to MY soft cloth mom that hurts me so badly.

 

[Phaedre]

My father was an alcoholic and when he was drunk (which was most of the time) he was a useless father. Actually he was pretty useless even when he wasn't but that is beside the point. He was my Dad and eventually I came to understand how the alcohol affected him and that beneath it all he still loved me and _was_ my Dad no matter what.

I strongly suggest that you seek the support of a professional body like Alcoholics Anonymous who should have the skills to support you in coming to terms with your relationship with your mother and her alcoholism.

PM me if I can help.

 

[BurntFlowers]

Not sure if I'm any help in this, but here goes anyway.
Besides the alcohol problem, I recognise a bit in the disruptive world-vision I pick up. Not that I have it, but my own 'father' is like that a lot. It all evolves about him, every frikkin problem that comes his way gets the question 'what have I done to deserve this?' And he has been treating me like that as well, ever since I was a little child. Alcohol is his major problem besides this, which makes it even more complicated.

But indeed, what do you do?As a child, you make feeble attempts to run for that safety a parent should be able to give to a child. But it doesn't always work like that. Sometimes a parent can be a real selfish pain in the ass. And when you get to a stage where you start to realise that, you will go through a lot of different emotional stages. You might face guilt right now, it might turn to anger, even hatred. In the end it might turn to grief, because technically, you lost a parent. And hopefully, there comes a point where you know it is not your fault, and you are at ease with the level of contact you have with your mom.

The only advise I would like to give you, is to be honest to yourself. And it'll be hard sometimes, but try. Being a parent is not about putting a child into this world, it's about the life and care that comes with it. And lots more obviously

I just hope you find a level where you are comfortable with yourself, and in second place, with your mom.

 

[Night_Jasmine]

Although my parents weren't alcoholics, I can sympathize a bit. My genetic donors weren't parents. They tended to me out of duty and that was that.

THe family you create from those you love and trust are the ones you will find that will help you the most. THat's what I have discovered over the years.

Now, are you still afraid she may commit suicide? If so, you need to speak to someone and quickly. After this much time, if she's still acting like this..she NEEDS help. There are places you can go and talk to about her. They can monitor the situation and if they find she has suicidal ideations or plans or is a danger to herself and others, they can get her help.

Either that or talk to someone you both trust and see what can be done about getting her to counseling and treatment.

 

[rosebud5446]

i have been considering counseling for this situation... and she is far worse off than me, so she def. needs it. she has for a long time. i have tried to tell her this, and that she needs to quit drinking countless times, and made very good points to her why she needs these things, but she refuses to listen to me.

 

[Night_Jasmine]

If you think she's a danger to herself, you can get the county/state to remit her to care. It takes time but if you're certain she's having problems and is a danger to herself and others, then go for it. She probably won't thank you for a while but you have the knowledge that you protected her. We used to call them 'emergency warrants,' but it could have another name in your area.

 

[onlyerics]

Rosebud, I didn't post at your thread because I didn't know what to say. No one in my family is alcoholic, but I can see that you are willing to try anything to help your mother no matter how hurt you are feeling right now. I'm sorry that you are going through this.

Everyone has offered some pretty good advice so far so I won't add any thing except to stay strong. You are a wonderful person to your mother. She is very lucky to have you.

 

[BurntFlowers]

Your mom is lucky indeed! It's so sad that they often don't realise how far their children are willing to go, because it takes a lot before you get to the point where you simply don't care anymore...

Hang in there, and have confidence that it will work out in the end...

 

[capricious_chic]

First off - get counseling. Check into support groups for family member of alcoholics.

Secondly - it isn't your responsibility to tend to your mother. You can't make her take care of herself and you can't make her be a good person. You can accept that she is human (albeit, not a very good one) and you can make the decision to eliminate her from your life. That doesn't mean that you don't still love her and care about her - it simply means you don't have to carry the burden of constantly worrying about her and being angry with her. This is a toxic relationship - tell me, would you tolerate such from a friend? From a boyfriend/husband/SO? Her choice is made and you can't change it - you can chose how you want to live your life and how much you let her effect you.

Do you have children? I find that once people get to the point that they have children of their own they either become more tolerant of their parents or much, much less so.

 

[rosebud5446]

i plan on looking into counseling.

i don't have kids, moved around the country for the past 2 years after high school, now just started going to college. (think she may be jealous that i'm going to do something with my life while she sits in a shithole town working at a factory) i thought she would be proud. she should be proud. i was just planning on going to community college for the first semester, but when i kicked ass (and i mean KICKED ASS) on the standardized tests 2 years out of high school, not going over most of the material in 2 years, i figured 'what the hell, i'll go to the big kid university'

i feel like i don't want/need her in my life right now, but i know i will still worry about her and feel guilt, because she's my mother. if she was a friend/boyfriend/whatever, i would have thrown her away long ago, but shes my mother, and it makes it alot more difficult.

i want to write her a letter, then i can try to organize my thoughts better, and get a word in without her getting pissed or something, but i don't know what i should put in the letter... how much to put in it, how long to make it, what stance i should make, because i have alot of different emotions that i have on the subject, and if i can figure out what i need to say, what should i start with? i've never been good at writing formal papers or letters, (i guess it doesn't have to be too good, because i think she has litterally drank herself stupid, she probably couldn't pass middle school anymore)

blah... i was pretty shaken up for the first few days after this incident, even had terrible nightmares all night and didn't sleep well, felt abandoned... i still feel abandoned, but i'm kind of losing my 'give a shit' on the whole subject. i mean i still give a shit, but i'm feeling very detached and empty on the subject...

 

[emptynester]

Rosebud, I was very touched by your thoughts. I grew up in a very loving home with two parents who shared our home with less fortunate kids. I grew up knowing I was so loved but that not every child in the world was as fortunate. My father died in 1995 and my mother remarried 2 years later. It was to a man who had lived down the street from us and we thought we knew him well. His wife had died a year after Dad.
To make a long story short. He became both verbally abusive and at times physically abusive to my mother. I have one natural sister and she lives hours away. I had to rescue mom one Saturday and bring her home to live with us. We were in the process of moving so he didn't know where our new home was. We were able to hide her out for a while. Even went to court to get a restraining order to keep him away from her and out of my office. He kept coming there threatening me.
At Christmas, my sister came home, took her back home with her to get her out of town for a while. He found out by putting someone we thought we knew and trusted up to calling and asking for her and we told them.
She went back with him and has been with him since. Now I can't go see her, can't call, we don't get together on birthday's, Christmas, etc. I know that feeling of abandonment. I feel like she has died too. She may call once every three weeks or so, comes into the office about as often. That is it.
She made her choice to live with a man who treats her like dirt and basically abandoned her two daughters.
At first it really hurt. No - it still really hurts. I am angry, furious at times, but it can consume me and at times it does. It was keeping me from being able to enjoy life and get on with my own family. I finally decided I wasn't going to allow that to happen anymore.
It sounds to me like you have a great opportunity opening up. With your scores being so high, you can go anywhere you want and do anything you want. Don't let her rob you of that! She is still your mother and you will always love her. Be there for her if she needs you (and she will) but please don't let it keep you from achieving your goals. You deserve to get a good education and it sounds like you have worked very hard. Go for it!
The alcohol will make her say things she doesn't really mean and do things she probably won't remember. The sad part is you won't forget. At some point you reverse roles. You feel like you are the parent and she is the child. It sucks but that is reality. Love her unconditionally no matter what she says or does but realize you are a person with feelings. Reach out to friends, even those of us on Lit and know that we will be there for you. I am not a counselor, just someone who cares. If you just want to vent at times pm me and say whatever is on your mind. I will listen and understand.

 

[LindaL]

Yes, check out AlAnon. A friend of mine goes, and she says it helps her live with the dysfunctional people in her life, especially her parents. It won't fix them, but it'll help you cope and live your life on your terms.

 

[BurntFlowers]

Rosebud, of course you feel shaken up... and I sometimes wonder if it ever wears off completely.... I remember cleaning up my dad's puke when I spend the weekend at his house (as arranged after mum divorced him). I think it was the first time I realised that this was not what a normal 8-year old would do when sleeping in their parent's house. I remember him ruining my wedding day by ordering a bottle of Sambuca and draining it on his own, and taking the car back home. I was reliefed to hear he didn't cause an accident. Not because I give a rat's ass if he broke his car, or got himself injured, but because he could have dragged an unfortunate one with it.

So many things happened, yet I still worry, even though I've cut him out of my life for the most.

And the comment about having kids and drawing a line, true. I drew the line when I held my son in my arms. I made him a silent promise to never let him near the ruin this man can cause by his presence. I managed up till now.

Go and get that counseling if you feel that it will help you on your way. Feel at ease with yourself and take control of your life. It hurts that your mum won't have that 'traditional' role in it, but remember that you deserve a good life. Maybe it takes a while to get confident, but it is worth every second in the end.