Confidence Help Needed On Aisle Four

[The Rahzgriz]

Hello there, everyone!

(You say, "Hello.")

I have a problem.

(You say, "What's your problem?")

Well, maybe not exactly a problem in the major sense. But more like a hinderance in my relationship-related life. For you see, I have never been in a relationship. Of any kind. I am still a young guy, and yet I still have never even so much as had a girlfriend.

What am I getting at? Well, the hinderance mentioned earlier would most likely be my confidence. I am an outgoing person willing to interact, but it is ruse at times, and at others I just cannot get myself to go that extra bit farther. At times I wished that I had the confidence my friends have.

So, I am here to ask you if you have any ideas or suggestions that could help me build some confidence. I am open to anything. From verbal excercises in front of the mirror to people literally yelling in my face to get on with it. Anything goes.

 

[LadyJeanne]

What is it that you lack confidence about? What are the fears that are preventing you from feeling confident?

 

[rcuhljr]

I can think of plenty of advice I've heard, but it wouldn't be horribly sincere sounding since I still haven't convinced myself of it. Good luck with it.

 

[Cathleen]

Building confidence takes time, in my opinion. If you just started playing the piano you'd not feel confident in your skill. Lots of practice will make you a better pianist and you'd have more confidence. The more we do something the more confidence we'll have.

Maybe if you focus on something you like to do, (a class, activity, sport etc), you'll meet others and gain proficiency/confidence and it might snowball to other areas of your social life. We're not born with all the knowledge we'll need in life (much to the chagrin of a favorite ten year old boy I know), try it out, take it out for a spin, find out what you like, learn about you -- the more you know about yourself, the more confidence you'll be. IMHO

 

[The Rahzgriz]

What is it that you lack confidence about? What are the fears that are preventing you from feeling confident?

If I had to narrow it down, I would have to say that I think too much, not the usual "fear of rejection" thing. Whenever I feel like I would want to start something, a part of me that was considered "gifted" when I was in school gets to thinking. It thinks about possible outcomes and such, and usually comes to the conclusion that such a thing could never work out for some reason or another. That is was usually turns me around from doing something.

I would like to think I have control over that, but it always gets me.

Coming in a close second would be the fact that all the girls I have liked are always taken or taken at the exact time I try to say something to them.

 

[LadyJeanne]

If I had to narrow it down, I would have to say that I think too much, not the usual "fear of rejection" thing. Whenever I feel like I would want to start something, a part of me that was considered "gifted" when I was in school gets to thinking. It thinks about possible outcomes and such, and usually comes to the conclusion that such a thing could never work out for some reason or another. That is was usually turns me around from doing something.

I would like to think I have control over that, but it always gets me.

Coming in a close second would be the fact that all the girls I have liked are always taken or taken at the exact time I try to say something to them.

Fear of intimacy. You pre-reject people before anything ever happens to save yourself from getting to know someone or having a relationship. You fall for people who are unavailable because you know you won't actually have a relationship with them. They're safe - you don't have to open up to them and let them in. You don't have to become vulnerable by doing so. So you end up not doing anything.

How to get past it? Try and figure out why you might have issues with being close with a woman.

 

[The Rahzgriz]

Fear of intimacy. You pre-reject people before anything ever happens to save yourself from getting to know someone or having a relationship. You fall for people who are unavailable because you know you won't actually have a relationship with them. They're safe - you don't have to open up to them and let them in. You don't have to become vulnerable by doing so. So you end up not doing anything.

How to get past it? Try and figure out why you might have issues with being close with a woman.

Wow.... I never thought of it like that.

Or have I? In an indirect sort of way.

'Cause, now that I think about it, I have never really been comfortable with myself "being responsible" for someone (Quotations there for a reason). I mean, I do not think I see myself as the kind of person who can look out for someone. For example, when I was younger, me and my friend were accidentally washed a little far from the shore while at the beach. While I could swim back on my own, he could not swim well or at all. For a few moments I was stuck between going back for him or getting help. Luckily a surfer was heading out an I hailed him for help. Since then, I have not swam in the ocean with anyone unless I know they can swim.

I do not know if that story helped or not, but I think it could serve as something to start on. I think the key element in my decision-making then was, "Did I want to be the one at fault for someone else?"

 

[TBKahuna123]

Wow I was just gonna say try to meet girls in an environment where you are comfortable, but obviously we've gone way deeper than that!

Interesting concept, not wanting to be responsible for someone else. On the surface it just sounds selfish, but there may be some serious layers here. Is it just that you don't want to put effort into pleasing someone else and want to just be self-centered? Maybe it's not that so much as it is that you know what you need to do to take care of yourself, where as with others you aren't so confident. You don't want to take that risk that you might screw it up.

That was my problem for a long time, not really with women, but with life in general. I wasn't a risk taker, I was so used to being the golden boy who was successful at everything that I just stuck to the things I knew I could excell at. My wife is the one who prompted me to stop being boring and take a risk. Best advice I ever got. I learned a new career, started playing hockey, started submitting my work for publication, all of which were huge risks for failure and rejection. The thing is, the more risks I take the more successful I am and the more confidence I have. But if I hadn't taken that first risk, I never would ahve gained that confidence.

Maybe that's how it is with you. You just need to take a risk.

 

[The Rahzgriz]

Yeah, I guess you have a point there.

That really takes a chunk out of the explanation, thanks. I was okay with my appearance in such, but it was more or less how I thought I would act or behave. When people said the time-tested saying "Be yourself", I always thought that would be even worse. "Being myself", to me, was moreof a repeling power than it was an attacting one. As for taking risks, it was alwayskind of easy, but I guess I just need to take bigger ones. Mainly, be more proactive in my relationship life.

P.S. Maybe I am too cynical too. I never really trust what people say about me, whether it be positive or not. I always think there is a string attached somewhere, or expect the comment to be follwed by, "But...." or "Except...."

 

[TBKahuna123]

P.S. Maybe I am too cynical too. I never really trust what people say about me, whether it be positive or not. I always think there is a string attached somewhere, or expect the comment to be follwed by, "But...." or "Except...."

You sound like my wife. I've spent years trying to get her to believe me. Trust me, what people say is true. When they compliment you , they mean it, there is no but in there.

 

[The Rahzgriz]

You sound like my wife. I've spent years trying to get her to believe me. Trust me, what people say is true. When they compliment you , they mean it, there is no but in there.

Thanks. Sure, it may come from the anonymity that is the Internet, but it really feels good. Although I do not know if I want to feel like your wife to you...

 

[SweetErika]

P.S. Maybe I am too cynical too. I never really trust what people say about me, whether it be positive or not. I always think there is a string attached somewhere, or expect the comment to be follwed by, "But...." or "Except...."

For me, this is more of a self-esteem issue. Why would we believe what others say if we don't believe it about ourselves? Once I started working on seeing the positives myself, I was able to accept it from others without wondering when the negatives would come or what they really wanted from me.

There are tons of great self-esteem and confidence threads here, exercises and advice online that I'd suggest checking into.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Thanks. Sure, it may come from the anonymity that is the Internet, but it really feels good. Although I do not know if I want to feel like your wife to you...

Sound like, not feel like.

 

[Dirty_dave25]

I can help you here. I was in a long term relationship when I was 15 till about 17 and a half. The girl destroyed me in a big way but that’s a whole new story all in itself. But when I turned 18 and I needed to have some fun I realised that my confidence was kicked right out of touch. I was a fun and out going person and a lot of people liked me. Females too. But I never had the confidence to go any further. It was a fear of rejection that would hinder my confidence even more. (a catch 22)

Well one day whiles out on a works do, a mate of mine, (older and wiser and best of all a womaniser!!) was telling me how he had the same problem. He said to me ‘Dave what you need to do is get a little merry, NOT drunk as that just kills it from the start. A couple of drinks to warm you and add a little confidence. Then walk up to a group of girls and start talking, ask one of them to dance, if she says no, then turn to her mate right in front of her and ask her, if she says no then move to her next mate and so on and so on. There is a high chance that one of them will say yes. If not then move to the next group of girls’ I asked why as to me it seemed a bit rude. He said just do it and ill tell you later.

Well that night I must have asked 20+ different girls for a dance. I had 2 dances and 1 lovely kiss. I walked back and had such a high feeling that I said I now understand. Through all those girls asking for a dance and hearing no, or fuck off, or get a life…. It was getting me used to the rejection. Then when one said yes it was a great feeling as their mates were looking with disgust and a little confused that it eased the previous rejection. I must say ever since that night I have no worries walking up to the most beautiful woman in a club and talking to her. (that is if she hasn’t got a 6’7” guy next to her that most would call Sir!) The thing is you never know until you try. And trying I have been shocked at how some god damn sexy women have said yes, even my mates were dribbling as I walked out the club with her. Be brave and bite the bullet.

Good luck!

Dave