Confessions: What are yours? Part V

[36524]

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[hotterthanhot]

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[LikeableMe]

ICT nothing feels the same, and that makes me sad.

 

[haha_on_me]

These words come from an advocate for living one's life, but am too tired to go on. Since the late 90s I've never wanted to just be done with it all as much as I do now.






Note: This is not a cry for help, merely a statement, so stay out of my inbox.

 

[lil_jenni]

ICT my students are doing a project with another class, and I am on my phone on Lit. And sorry -- this is going to be long. Please skip over if you already think I'm a drama queen.

IACT Hubby and I had a long discussion on my interest in a FFM threesome and my growing interest in swinging (especially after reading through Liz's thread ). Let's just say he put it all in the perspective of his career goals, some of which would be hurt if not made impossible if he did stuff like I want to do and it got out.

IACT I pushed the issue and asked whether my past would be an problem for him regardless of what we did now. He said he loved me enough he was willing to take that chance, but that he didn't want to "take on additional risk." So... and maybe this was me taking that wrong and being way emotional... but I got super pissed. That happened Saturday night.

IACT I didn't speak to him much on Sunday as I wavered back and forth between guilt from being a slut (and from getting mad) and seething anger. So, Sunday night I confronted him about why about a year and a half ago he had told me I could have an affair with another woman if I really wanted to. He said he did not believe I would really do it, but he didn't want to lose me so he said he was okay with it. That made me more pissed.

IACT he decided to go in to the office on Monday to get some billable hours in. I think he was just avoiding me. I stewed all day, then took off for a long drive the moment he got home. We didn't talk before bed.

IFCT he woke me up this.morning, told me he loved me, that I was the most important thing in his life, along with our son, and that he did not want me to be unhappy or feel like he was keeping me from being who I am. Then we had some intense makeup sex before we got ready. I am not sure how I feel. I don't want to make him do anything he doesn't want to do, but he NEVER really answered me when I kept asking whether he didn't want to do what I was suggesting or he just was worried it might be a problem for him later. He did his lawyer thing and talked around it.

 

[Fingerfuxs]

ICT my students are doing a project with another class, and I am on my phone on Lit. And sorry -- this is going to be long. Please skip over if you already think I'm a drama queen.

IACT Hubby and I had a long discussion on my interest in a FFM threesome and my growing interest in swinging (especially after reading through Liz's thread ). Let's just say he put it all in the perspective of his career goals, some of which would be hurt if not made impossible if he did stuff like I want to do and it got out.

IACT I pushed the issue and asked whether my past would be an problem for him regardless of what we did now. He said he loved me enough he was willing to take that chance, but that he didn't want to "take on additional risk." So... and maybe this was me taking that wrong and being way emotional... but I got super pissed. That happened Saturday night.

IACT I didn't speak to him much on Sunday as I wavered back and forth between guilt from being a slut (and from getting mad) and seething anger. So, Sunday night I confronted him about why about a year and a half ago he had told me I could have an affair with another woman if I really wanted to. He said he did not believe I would really do it, but he didn't want to lose me so he said he was okay with it. That made me more pissed.

IACT he decided to go in to the office on Monday to get some billable hours in. I think he was just avoiding me. I stewed all day, then took off for a long drive the moment he got home. We didn't talk before bed.

IFCT he woke me up this.morning, told me he loved me, that I was the most important thing in his life, along with our son, and that he did not want me to be unhappy or feel like he was keeping me from being who I am. Then we had some intense makeup sex before we got ready. I am not sure how I feel. I don't want to make him do anything he doesn't want to do, but he NEVER really answered me when I kept asking whether he didn't want to do what I was suggesting or he just was worried it might be a problem for him later. He did his lawyer thing and talked around it.

Just a suggestion , when you talk about the subject again I’m wondering if FMF is on the table as well as FF and MF with one of the three involved watching , coaching ect.

It could be possible that he’s just not seeing the sexual only side of it , but is more focused on the emotional side . You used the word affair is what is the base of what I’m thinking at the moment.

For us swinging has mostly been a couples sport and the FFm experiences have been with someone on the side line during this and then switching it out. When you add a single into the mix that can get tricky and really needs to be thought out before hand . Be they male or female.

Totally get the career thing to , we had big concerns about that in the beginning too. Mrs. FF has a morals clause in her work contract rules of conduct.

Its really surprising how many high profile people are into the Female bi scene as well as just finding your own swinger tribe so to speak. It takes a mixture to find , but is there.

There are other swinger sites besides AFF that we have had lots of success with. It’s not fair to post them here since this site endorses AFF.

It’s also regional as far as which ones are the most active with real people that are looking for the same things as you are.

Good luck , just thought I’d share something with you that you might be able to use.

I’m a teachers , aid lol for a second woo hoo

I confess their journey into swinging is fascinating to read about from the sidelines .

 

[lil_jenni]

It could be possible that he’s just not seeing the sexual only side of it , but is more focused on the emotional side . You used the word affair is what is the base of what I’m thinking at the moment.

Thanks for the kind words.

As for your comment above, ICT I could have phrased what I wrote much better -- I was just trying to get it all out and used affair as shorthand. At the time we talked about me playing with another woman, I kept getting crushes on other girls and thought that having a sexual relationship, or just sporadic fun, was what I wanted. I had been with women before, both one on one and in threesomes, and I thought that finding a woman to play with would help me regulate my fear of acting out otherwise.... its a long story, and it was mainly due to my anxiety.

IACT I never went through with it because I made some mistakes (a drunken come on to Hubby's cousin (female) the biggest) and ended up going on new meds that kind of helped me better regulate myself. Now, I'm very comfortable that I will not lapse into thinking I don't deserve what I have and then act out in the way I was afraid I would (I cheated on Hubby once before we were married. That time, we broke up for more than a year, and I used to live in fear I could do it again -- I told you, it's a long story... ). But I also am quite sure now that my interest in a threesome or swinging is a real interest instead of just being self-destructive behavior.

 

[36524]

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[Punkrockchick]

I confess that shit is so fucked up right now.

 

[CleverCowardice]

I confess that...

I'm finding it too overwhelming to mediate between what my heart wants and my head knows is right. I want to turn my heart to stone. I want to sleep and not wake. I just want to stop feeling.

 

[JerseyJade]

I'm finding it too overwhelming to mediate between what my heart wants and my head knows is right. I want to turn my heart to stone. I want to sleep and not wake. I just want to stop feeling.

This makes me sad.

 

[Fingerfuxs]

I'm finding it too overwhelming to mediate between what my heart wants and my head knows is right. I want to turn my heart to stone. I want to sleep and not wake. I just want to stop feeling.

That totally blows chucks , what a awful thing to have to go through.


Here’s a coupon for I free gut punch ……….just let me know so I can be ready to rip the abs and absorb the punch.

Use the coupon whenever it’s needed and if it’s helpful. I’m totally down for helping you lose that feeling. But I’m not going to blow you , I draw the line there.

 

[Drillerbm]

ICT feeling neglected and unappreciated

 

[Mtnmike]

ICT feeling neglected and unappreciated by my wife

ICT: I know your pain well

 

[Mr_bogey]

Thanks for the kind words.

As for your comment above, ICT I could have phrased what I wrote much better -- I was just trying to get it all out and used affair as shorthand. At the time we talked about me playing with another woman, I kept getting crushes on other girls and thought that having a sexual relationship, or just sporadic fun, was what I wanted. I had been with women before, both one on one and in threesomes, and I thought that finding a woman to play with would help me regulate my fear of acting out otherwise.... its a long story, and it was mainly due to my anxiety.

IACT I never went through with it because I made some mistakes (a drunken come on to Hubby's cousin (female) the biggest) and ended up going on new meds that kind of helped me better regulate myself. Now, I'm very comfortable that I will not lapse into thinking I don't deserve what I have and then act out in the way I was afraid I would (I cheated on Hubby once before we were married. That time, we broke up for more than a year, and I used to live in fear I could do it again -- I told you, it's a long story... ). But I also am quite sure now that my interest in a threesome or swinging is a real interest instead of just being self-destructive behavior.

I think acting out and getting upset doesn't do either of you any good. I think you need to change your approach and try to ease his fears. Why not plan a trip somewhere where you can be more discreet. For instance in Amsterdam you could have someone come to your room on your last night there. You could wear a wig and he could wear something to disguise his face if he needs it. There are places you could go and be anonymous and accomplish what you want.

Unfortunately for some of us, somethings will always remain fantasies. And that's pretty much what keeps me coming back here.

 

[lil_jenni]

I think acting out and getting upset doesn't do either of you any good. I think you need to change your approach and try to ease his fears. Why not plan a trip somewhere where you can be more discreet. For instance in Amsterdam you could have someone come to your room on your last night there. You could wear a wig and he could wear something to disguise his face if he needs it. There are places you could go and be anonymous and accomplish what you want.

Unfortunately for some of us, somethings will always remain fantasies. And that's pretty much what keeps me coming back here.

ICT by "acting out", I don't mean on purpose. I mean it in the sense that my anxiety and feelings of worthlessness lead me to believe I don't deserve what I have so I sabotage it by acting in a way that reinforces my negative perceptions of myself. None of that is voluntary -- it is just one of the things I wrestle with on a regular basis. I know I do it, and that is the first step to not doing it, but sometimes I cannot stop myself.

IACT I was not angry because Hubby does not share my kink, like a couple of y'all wrote in PMs. I was angry because I was hurt, frustrated, and feeling like a worthless slut who was too stupid to leave it all alone. I love my Hubby dearly. He and my son are the two best things in my life. But he is sometimes tactless in a way he does not intend. Compound that with my plethora of anxieties and insecurities, and sometimes I infer things more negatively than he intends when he is bluntly honest, like when I pushed him on whether my past was a risk to his ambitions. Hearing that he loved me enough to risk that but didn't want additional risk of involving third parties made me think that I was a burden and that I made him chose between me and his goals. That hurt in a way he never intended, which sent me into a emotional tailspin. So, as a defense mechanism, I got mad and used all the negative shit I was feeling about myself to fuel it.

IACT yes, you all should feel sorry for my Hubby. People (well, men) on here often tell me they think he's lucky because of what I post about or sex life. I often to try to explain that I'm the lucky one because he puts up with me and all my shit.

IFCT I have apologized profusely to Hubby several times. I have refrained from lapsing into servile sexuality as a means of apologizing, since that is more a symptom of me feeling worthless than being what he wants. We have had sex a couple of times since my blow up, more making love than fucking, and I think he's fine with that. I'm sure we'll get back to wilder things, but for now, I'm not pushing anything.

 

[Youroldscotsman]

ICT this past year and a half have been a real struggle, too much time feeling sorry for myself and letting my illness rule my life. No more, from now on it is time to just enjoy what I have left and live.

 

[barefootgirl69]

ICT this past year and a half have been a real struggle, too much time feeling sorry for myself and letting my illness rule my life. No more, from now on it is time to just enjoy what I have left and live.

That's the spirit!!!

 

[Dirt_in_the_Ground]

ICT these cats are really starting to negatively impact the quality of my life, and I tell them that I have plenty of space for small hidden graves, but they're too stupid to realize the implications of what I'm saying—because they're fuckin' cats!

IFCT I've spent far too much of the day wanting to fuck the comedian Nikki Glaser in her butt.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xy9PyDU3lHo)

IFCT I'm waiting for my mother to go somewhere so I can sneak into her house, because I know she has some delicious barbecue and stew in her freezer, but I don't want to actually talk to her to get some.

 

[Chillygirl]

ICT sometimes I feel like I’m not quite good enough. It’s not any one thing but more like a little bit of everything. Maybe I’m just tired.

 

[Dirt_in_the_Ground]

ICT I have a sudden urge to feed Chillygirl some chicken soup, put her to bed, read her a bedtime story, and kiss her on the forehead. You're plenty good enough, sweetheart.

 

[Chillygirl]

ICT I have a sudden urge to feed Chillygirl some chicken soup, put her to bed, read her a bedtime story, and kiss her on the forehead. You're plenty good enough, sweetheart.

Thank you

 

[falkor207]

ICT sometimes I want sex for the sheer pleasure and not the romantic slow burn making love sex.

 

[dpv]

ICT by "acting out", I don't mean on purpose. I mean it in the sense that my anxiety and feelings of worthlessness lead me to believe I don't deserve what I have so I sabotage it by acting in a way that reinforces my negative perceptions of myself. None of that is voluntary -- it is just one of the things I wrestle with on a regular basis. I know I do it, and that is the first step to not doing it, but sometimes I cannot stop myself.

IACT I was not angry because Hubby does not share my kink, like a couple of y'all wrote in PMs. I was angry because I was hurt, frustrated, and feeling like a worthless slut who was too stupid to leave it all alone. I love my Hubby dearly. He and my son are the two best things in my life. But he is sometimes tactless in a way he does not intend. Compound that with my plethora of anxieties and insecurities, and sometimes I infer things more negatively than he intends when he is bluntly honest, like when I pushed him on whether my past was a risk to his ambitions. Hearing that he loved me enough to risk that but didn't want additional risk of involving third parties made me think that I was a burden and that I made him chose between me and his goals. That hurt in a way he never intended, which sent me into a emotional tailspin. So, as a defense mechanism, I got mad and used all the negative shit I was feeling about myself to fuel it.

IACT yes, you all should feel sorry for my Hubby. People (well, men) on here often tell me they think he's lucky because of what I post about or sex life. I often to try to explain that I'm the lucky one because he puts up with me and all my shit.

IFCT I have apologized profusely to Hubby several times. I have refrained from lapsing into servile sexuality as a means of apologizing, since that is more a symptom of me feeling worthless than being what he wants. We have had sex a couple of times since my blow up, more making love than fucking, and I think he's fine with that. I'm sure we'll get back to wilder things, but for now, I'm not pushing anything.

ICT - I came here tonight feeling the exact same way. Your story is my story to a tee. I’m in the middle of dealing with her rejection... this post is me. Thank you.

Not sure that it helps to know there are people who have the same feels. Thanks for sharing them. I appreciate it.

I don’t know why I am telling you all this. Because...

ICT it makes me feel more pathetic. But I feel like I’m being heard in some way. Sad I know. Sorry to steal your post. I know it was about you and your feels and not mine. But it struck a cord with me.

 

[Bonnie_Does]

Not Bonnie Does but Bonnie Did!!! lol

ICT..I had threesome sex with a sexy biker couple in their late 30's twice over summer break at their little cottage not far from where my mom and step dad have their summer getaway. I was also asked to visit them again when they have another couple over. I'm still thinking that one over although I do like being the center of attention! Even with the women. I can confess it here but never to my guy friend.