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Confessions: What Are Yours? Part IV

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I confess that...

I sometimes - too often, in fact - take our friendship for granted. You're fucking amazing. Somehow you always manage to give me clarity when I'm unfocused, bring me calm when my heart is a storm, make me laugh when I want to cry. I'm unbelievably lucky to have you in my life and I don't tell you that often enough.
 
ICT it has taken me 36 years to get my self confidence. I like to think I'm pretty awesome. But every time o trust someone with "me" I get hurt and fucked and not in the fun way.

IACT I wish I could not be an empath for a week. I'm exhausted. I'm drained. And it just doesn't ever stop. I feel everything and no one gives a flying fuck about my feelings. I take everyone else's emotional burdens so they can enjoy life and I'm left with shit.

IFCT I'm broken. But there's no time to fix me. There's never enough time. So I keep putting band aids on the limbs that are falling off and pretending I'm fine and picking up the pieces of my family, coworkers, guests at the hotel, people I thought were friends.

IACT I'm on Prozac already. I take klonopin just to be numb enough to sleep. I had liquor the other night and people I thought were my friends have decided I shouldn't be around anymore. They had never seen me relaxed before. I'm supposed to be the responsible good mom and caretaker. I'm not allowed to relax and have fun. So no one wants me around anymore.

IFCT I love my children but dammit I need a break. My 17 yr old doesn't want to help me in any way while my husband is on travel. My 12 yr old has Aspergers, bipolar, ADHD, anxiety, and issues with depression and self harm. He's been having a psychiatric break and we are up and down. I just had to be on suicide watch with him. My 9year old has epilepsy. Mostly controlled but has had a few seizures. I almost wish they would hospitalize my middle child so I could get a break. And then I feel guilty and like a bad mom.

And I can't tell this to anyone. Because any time I do I get the "shut up suck it up you are an adult" lecture. Or they are kind and then I trust them and they hurt me eventually. So I'm alone emotionally. And the only one I can trust anymore is my stuffed grumpy bear.
 
ICT ShyNaughtyGirl is damn angry!
ICT there is something to bring her back on the ground!
ICT I don´t know, what it could be!
ICT I´d try to give it to her :)
 
ICT my husband just texted me from NY (while I deal with all this shit) and said that I need to stop being so selfish (trying to fix myself or keep myself from breaking down) and be more adult like everyone else. Just suck it up, keep it in, fake it, and keep taking care of everyone else like I'm supposed to.
 
ICT I feel like my mental illness is nothing more than an inconvenience to other people and they treat it and me like it should be shoved aside.

IACT I made it through today attempting to pretend I was fine. I made it to work. Took care of my kids. Still got yelled at by my husband for being too needy. Not being "fixed" already.

IFCT I feel shitty.
 
Mesmerized....

ShyNaughtyGirl said:
ICT I was hoping that was the case, you've had mine lately!!!




IACT on the subject of attention (but not related to the subject of me and a certain sexy poster here)...some people just don't know what to do if they aren't getting attention

IFCT negative attention-seeking behavior is one of my biggest pet peeves, I've dealt with far too much of it in my life
Click to expand...


ICT being mesmerized (in a GOOD way) by ShyNaughtyGirl's AV pic .:rose:
 
ICT I wrote a private message to a professional ice hockey goaltender just to offer my support (it was a ROUGH game and being a goalie mom I know how hard goalies can take it) and not only did he actually read it but he responded!

IACT I'm fangirling a bit now.
 
ShyNaughtyGirl said:
ICT I'm meeting a litster for coffee one week from tomorrow and the nervousness is starting to set in...but it's a good kind of nervous, the excited kind.


IACT it's been years since I've met anyone off here and I'm so awkward in person that I'm terrified I'll make an ass of myself or that it will just be crickets chirping.
Click to expand...
Of you're half as sweet in person as you are online you'll be fine. Just smile make then a blubbering mess and you won't have anything to worry about.
Ange1icflowers said:
ICT I wrote a private message to a professional ice hockey goaltender just to offer my support (it was a ROUGH game and being a goalie mom I know how hard goalies can take it) and not only did he actually read it but he responded!

IACT I'm fangirling a bit now.
Click to expand...

That's a cool thing to hear. Glad you got a small bit of sunshine.
 
ICT things with this woman are proceeding very well for a long distance relationship.

IACT as the relationship progresses, I become more and more worried that when I go up to meet in person that she will be disappointed in me.
 
ICT...I promised myself I would work on my story today...but didn't. :(

ICT...My writer's block is driving me crazy.
 
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