Conditions Of Marriage

[Angel]

To all the men:

If you had your heart set on marrying the perfect woman, the love of your life, and having a family with her..then you come to find out she can't have kids..

Would you still marry her?

 

[R Nitelight]

Angel

In a heartbeat.

 

[Angel]

Re: Angel

In a heartbeat.

Coming from the So Called Snide Bastard... ::grin:: thats a good sign so far.

 

[Ian1]

Absolutely. In a second.

Plenty of kids needs homes anyway, and that is a small issue if the two people are really in love.

 

[Mackdaddy_74]

Yes I would. No doubt about it.

 

[Angel]

Re: Absolutely. In a second.

Plenty of kids needs homes anyway, and that is a small issue if the two people are really in love.

True. But I know quite a few men who'd rather have their own *seed* to raise if you know what I mean.

 

[Ian1]

Re: Re: Absolutely. In a second.

I know quite a few men who'd rather have their own *seed* to raise if you know what I mean.

Two words: Narsacistic Bastards

 

[Angel]

Yeah.....

 

[Mustang Sally]

Why not consider the opposite? What if the male is the one with the fertility problem? Would you women still want to be with him forever?

I think it would be horribly cruel to ditch someone over what is bound to be a very sensitive issue for them. BUT it is something that would affect both parties very deeply. If your heart is set on having children with the person you love, I'm sure it is incredibly hard to reconcile that it's not going to happen the way you planned.

Hopefully after much soul-searching, love would conquer all, along with the realization that there's always adoption, and any number of reproductive technologies.

 

[Havocman]

As Paul Buchman Told Jamie Buchman Once...

"If you can't have kids, then I can't have kids...WE can't have kids...what happens to you happens to me..."

Pretty much says how I feel about it all...if I loved her and she couldn't become pregnant I'd still marry her, of course I would

We could always adopt...and if she didn't want to adopt, then we wouldn't have kids...simple as that...

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to start a 500th post party thread...we need a good one around here again I'm thinking.

Havoc

 

[Angel]

Honestly yes. I want kids. 3 would be perfect. BUT I wouldn't give up the love of my life because he couldn't produce any. I'd just adopt the 3 kids I wanted. To me personally it's that simple.

 

[Feisty1]

and for the women?

i imagine the same question posed to the women on this board would garner the same response...'in a heartbeat'

i would hope that people (male or female) would see beyond the simple 'genetics' of a child...and see that raising a human being to be a compassionate, critically thinking, kind soul is more than just sharing random genes. personally, i take raising a child so seriously that I actually do not want kids because of the awesome responsibility. (don't get me wrong, i am the best aunt on the planet, but spoiling children rotten and then sending them home to their parents is a totally different situation).

 

[Nicole]

In a heartbeat, cause lets face it when the kids are grown up and starting families of their own, it's back to the two of you.

I love kids and I adore my own, but I would be more than happy to stick with my partner even if he couldn't have kids.

I guess it's a little easier for the ones of us that already have kids. But, yep in a heartbeat.

 

[Juliangel]

Yes I would and almost did. Due to an illness in his late teens the doctor told my inlaws there was a chance that my husband would not be able to have kids.

We had the choice of going through tests or just going for it and seeing what would happen. We went for it and our son was a honeymoon baby.

Turns our we are both pretty fertile, although I was only able to carry three of them to term, in the first ten years of our marriage we conceived seven times.

 

[Nobody Special]

I have already made that decision thank you.. I have Proposed to the most beautiful woman that I know.. Even tho she may or may not be able to have children due to a disease called "Endometriosis" that could make her infertile and may lead to cancer in the reproductive system.. So as we dream of having children and have fun going thru the motions (All the Time, can't keep her off of me) we are hopefull that we will have children, but if it comes to the point that we can't, we do plan on adopting..

E

P.S. We talked about this before I made the trip to meet her so it was not part of the decision for me to be with her..

 

[Angel]

Yes I would and almost did. Due to an illness in his late teens the doctor told my inlaws there was a chance that my husband would not be able to have kids.

We had the choice of going through tests or just going for it and seeing what would happen. We went for it and our son was a honeymoon baby.

Turns our we are both pretty fertile, although I was only able to carry three of them to term, in the first ten years of our marriage we conceived seven times.

Which is where my question came from, Juliangel...
I miscarried last October, two days after my 22nd birthday (on Friday the 13th go figure) and after that the relationship rapidly went downhill. I've always suspected that me miscarrying was the core of it, and today I saw him for the first time since then and the fuck actually admitted it. He had the nerve to tell me that he wanted someone to give him a family. Which pretty much rebroke my heart and pissed me the fuck off, as he was right there when the Doctor told me I was fine and that I would be able to concieve and carry children to full term. This one was just not meant to be born. For some reason in his sick and twisted mind, he thinks I failed him. Whatever. I'm done ranting now, but I needed to vent to a bunch of people who don't know me cuz nobody I know IRL besides him knows I was even pregnant in the first place so who the fuck else am I going to rant at?

::sigh::

Taking a break from the board for tonight

 

[teresafannin]

Angel, I hope you see this. He is not worth it & you definitely deserve better. I also had a miscarriage & then had my son 2 years later. He was the best surprise I ever got. My fiancee & I went through a rough time a few years ago. I can't have any more children, he wanted a child of his own & we nearly broke up. After a lot of soul searching & heart to heart talks, we stayed together because we love each other. For us, having a child together isn't meant to be, but we have each other & for us, it is enough. Feel free to vent anytime, lots of good listeners here.

 

[Cheyenne]

I miscarried last October, two days after my 22nd birthday (on Friday the 13th go figure) and after that the relationship rapidly went downhill. I've always suspected that me miscarrying was the core of it, and today I saw him for the first time since then and the fuck actually admitted it. He had the nerve to tell me that he wanted someone to give him a family. Which pretty much rebroke my heart and pissed me the fuck off, as he was right there when the Doctor told me I was fine and that I would be able to concieve and carry children to full term. This one was just not meant to be born. For some reason in his sick and twisted mind, he thinks I failed him.

You were there and you know him, so I'm sure you're right. And the loss of a baby is a terrible thing to use as an excuse to dump you. But, is there any chance at all that his heart was broken also when you lost the baby? Any chance that his way of dealing with the loss of his child was to distance himself from the pain, and you? Any chance that in his own pain, he wasn't thinking clearly? It may have been easier for him to blame you, than to accept that the baby just wasn't meant to be?

 

[KillerMuffin]

A very close friend of mine can't have children. She told him before they got too serious, but they fell in love anyway. At the time it was a non-issue. Two years after marriage he felt a biological clock and their insurance didn't cover infertility. His recourse was joining the military for it. So he joined the Air Force and she started in with the doctors. She has endometriosis as well as a few other problems, she was was told that due to the shape of her uterus that if she took the drugs and got pregnant, it would likely be ectopic and due to high probability of a multiple pregnancy, it would probably kill her.

While all this was going on, he started working with a single mother of an adorable little boy. First it was carpooling. Then it was lunches. Then late evenings. Finally he told my friend that this woman filled something in him, that he felt like a whole man with this woman and her son. He felt like he was in a family. He left her for this woman and her son. Knocked her up too.

My friend feels awful and she is devastated. She feels like she's not a whole woman because she couldn't provide him with the most basic thing a woman should be able to do, bear children. Never mind that he's an ass and this feeling is unreasonable.

It may start out as a non-issue, but the instinct to reproduce is very strong. Almost overwhelming at times. You know the feeling, holding a baby and suddenly picturing your own. The fertile partner feels horribly guilty for wondering what if and wishing they could, the infertile partner feels like an inferior person and feels horrible guilty because they can't fullfill that need.

To make a marriage with infertility takes a lot of strength, compassion, and communication by both partners. Understanding as well. So if you're childless and you marry someone who can't have kids, or who shouldn't (like me), it's going to be a stressor in the relationship. It's an issue that has to be addressed, it won't go away on it's own. The love between a man and a woman is more important than anything else out there. Too bad we sometimes forget that.

Unless you're one of the people who just doesn't want kids.

 

[Closet Desire]

Yes...

...I would and did.

 

[ShyGuy68]

I have no doubt at all that I would marry a woman that couldn't get any kids.

I'll admit that at the current stage in my life, kids aren't that important, but I also do know that the day I get my own kids I know I'll love them with all my heart.

 

[TonyG]

Obviously there exist many options to have a family, but some men want a lineage and for them it could be a problem. I used to wonder about 'carrying the family name' when I was younger and how important that would be to me. I never was put into that position so I did not have to think too hard about it. But, I think some men, not me, might have a hard time marrying the girl.

 

[DriveSouth]

That is exactly what my bride chose to do when she married me, so I'd have to say that I think I would follow her example and marry the love of my life regardless of her fertility.

 

[FantasyGoddess]

It seems like everyone on this thread has the same convictions. That's cool. I would also do the same, there are to many alternatives.

 

[Latina]

I can't have kids because I had surgery for a pre-cancerous growth, and they removed my uterus. But he married me anyway. He visited me in the hospital and stayed by my bedside during that surgery, when we were dating. He has an adopted girl, and I have an adopted boy, both from before we met, so we already have two kids and neither of us care that we couldn't have one together. The girl is now 18 and our boy is 13.

-- Latina