Compromise

[BlueSugar]

If i've learned anything at all, it is that being in a relationship and love and all that shit means nothing. all it really is about, is how much you can actually put up with.

some will say: well, thats a big part of it
But no. i mean. thats all it is.

some will say: theres more to it then that. or if thats all its become then its no longer a relationship.

even in the beginning. you weigh pros and cons. likes dislikes. and you stop the whole deal when you just can't deal anymore.

some will say: but there are things they don't like about me, so its a compromise.

I'm here to say there are somethings you just don't compromise with.


how many of you have said "I will never date a person who ________." Bites nails, taller then I am, smokes, drinks, likes anal ... whatever. Fill in your own blank.


But, there you are or were, putting up with it for X amount of time.


Why do/did you do it?



(PS, I'm in a bitter mood, ignore the blantant bash on compromise and communication. BUT we've all been here, so lets talk about it.)

 

[EJFan]

sounds like we could get together for coffee and have a good old fashioned SO-bashing session.

i feel ya blue. i really do. i think everyone's made that list of things you want (or absolutely won't tolerate) in a relationship... then wind up dealing with something unwated and undesirable.

but hey... it's all part of life's learning curve, right? we can't make perfect decisions every time out. if we went through life approaching every set of alternatives like a mathematical equation where you put the information in and get the proper result out things wouldn't be interesting, would they.

 

[niteloser]

I said I'd never date again... Anyone. I hate being in relationships... But I gave that up after living with the boy for a bit. I think it's because pretty much if I didn't I still wouldn't be happy. So why not have someone to be unhappy with if I can't be happy with anyone?

 

[Nightbird]

This is a good thread.

Why do people compromise / settle / make do? Is it because Mr. or Mz. perfect just simply doesn't exist so you go for someone who has more good traits than bad?
Or is it that we get caught up in the excitement and newness of a different relationship?
Compromise... What a twisted abused word.

 

[pleasteasme]

I said I'd never date again... Anyone. I hate being in relationships... But I gave that up after living with the boy for a bit. I think it's because pretty much if I didn't I still wouldn't be happy. So why not have someone to be unhappy with if I can't be happy with anyone?

Well, I seem to be on the other side of your thought here. I would so much rather be alone and a bit unhappy than WITH someone and miserable. I can't stand fighting & bickering & name calling (not that you have that, just my own feelings on the subject).

JMO *shrugs*

 

[pleasteasme]

This is a good thread.

Why do people compromise / settle / make do? Is it because Mr. or Mz. perfect just simply doesn't exist so you go for someone who has more good traits than bad?
Or is it that we get caught up in the excitement and newness of a different relationship?
Compromise... What a twisted abused word.

Not sure what the right answer is here Nb.....my best friend is dealing with a bit of a problem, I think partially of her own doing. She married the first man that was remotely interested in her. I am not sure if it was insecurity or the fact that she just wanted someone to BE with.

Five+ years later, and a baby....she is talking about divorce. There are several reasons behind this that I don't need to get into here....it is just *IMO* that she thought she could change him! We all know that does not work!!!

She compromises....a LOT and he....is very immature and cannot think of the future. He thinks only of the present, the here and now. He is very much about instant gratification than goal setting.

It seems the re-occuring message from her to me *I kid you not* is, "Don't get married" LOL................not to worry, that is the farthest thing from my mind!!!


~wondering why I never stood up when they asked if anyone objects to the marriage?~

 

[midwestyankee]

Being guilty of both, I see settling and compromise as two distinct issues. Settling is a giving in at the level of the heart, a deal we make with our own devil. Settling is for the long term. Settling is about making a deal to accept a lesser life. Compromise is a smaller thing. We are such complex individuals that it is inconceivable that we could ever meet someone whose habits, tastes, and behavior perfectly match our desires. In your post, Blue, you asked how many of us had ever told ourselves we would never date someone who [fill in your dislike here]. When we meet a person whom we like a great deal and see that that person [fill in your dislike here], then we must choose if we will accept the person despite the habit or feature or behavior that we dislike.

If we choose to relate to that person despite the thing we do not like, but do not accept the person completely for who he or she is, then the relationship will have a weak foundation. But if we truly accept this new person despite the nail biting or smoking or dislike of anal - or whatever - then we can make a real and lasting relationship. Compromise, as you describe it, Blue, is about continuing to insist in your soul that your preferences and your ideals are superior and that therefore your new mate is not fully acceptable to you. At some level it's about feeling that your new mate is not worthy of you.

Just a late-night, sleep-deprived ramble. YMMV

 

[karndav]

Being guilty of both, I see settling and compromise as two distinct issues. Settling is a giving in at the level of the heart, a deal we make with our own devil. Settling is for the long term. Settling is about making a deal to accept a lesser life. Compromise is a smaller thing. We are such complex individuals that it is inconceivable that we could ever meet someone whose habits, tastes, and behavior perfectly match our desires. In your post, Blue, you asked how many of us had ever told ourselves we would never date someone who [fill in your dislike here]. When we meet a person whom we like a great deal and see that that person [fill in your dislike here], then we must choose if we will accept the person despite the habit or feature or behavior that we dislike.

If we choose to relate to that person despite the thing we do not like, but do not accept the person completely for who he or she is, then the relationship will have a weak foundation. But if we truly accept this new person despite the nail biting or smoking or dislike of anal - or whatever - then we can make a real and lasting relationship. Compromise, as you describe it, Blue, is about continuing to insist in your soul that your preferences and your ideals are superior and that therefore your new mate is not fully acceptable to you. At some level it's about feeling that your new mate is not worthy of you.

Just a late-night, sleep-deprived ramble. YMMV

i don't think its a late night ramble I think you hit the nail on the head. There is a difference between comprimise and settling. When i met my husband I smoked he did not. I still smoke, he still does not. He chose to marry me anyways besides this difference and compromise on the issue. I don't smoke in the house or in the car when he is in it. Its a compromise not a settling. No one person is perfect. We all have our quirks, little things that our going to bother another person. but when you fall in love you love them quirks and all and you accept them, and although those quirks drive you crazy some days you remember you have things too t aht drive the other person crazy.

But when you are talking about major personality differences, things you go into the relationship thinking you can chage about the person, ie. he'll stop drinking, he won't put me down in front of our friends and you stay with person that is settling. you can't change those persoanlity traits and you shouldn't think you can. If you try you are only going to end up in an unhappy relationship trying to decide if you should settle for what you have or move on.

 

[BlueSugar]

<snip>
but when you fall in love you love them quirks and all and you accept them, and although those quirks drive you crazy some days you remember you have things too t aht drive the other person crazy. <snip>

But when you are talking about major personality differences, things you go into the relationship thinking you can chage about the person, ie. he'll stop drinking, he won't put me down in front of our friends and you stay with person that is settling.

you can't change those persoanlity traits and you shouldn't think you can. If you try you are only going to end up in an unhappy relationship trying to decide if you should settle for what you have or move on.

Quirks are one thing ... quirks are having to lay on a specific side of the bed, needing to compulsivly buy popcorn everytime no matter what when you go to a theater. Quirks, little eccentric drips .... we all have those. And it isn't too much at all of a compromise to just let them be. Usually it has very little to do with another person ... they can grate on nerves after X many years, these are the cute things that you want to kill people for in the end possibly when they go to the extreme. These are the last straw that breaks the camel's back.
How much can you put up with?

Settling ... compromise falls into settling as well. I believe its a seperate issue from this, but in the long run of compromising your own beliefes then settling will ultimately happen.
It is after so much compromise or value swap has happened .. its a beaten feeling picking between a rock and a hard place. Sort of weak to an outside person's point of view if asked another opinion from a third party. Its not getting divorced to that first person that shows remote interest in you and it hasn't worked in over a year but there is a child involved. Its living with put down after put down and choosing to not get out of the situation for whatever reason.


I listed lame {list reasons here} I said drinking and smoking ... but it could be borderline alcoholism - a situation where you care so much to not see the person get hurt so you work it through with them and they've been sober for 3 years and one day decides to buy a bottle to have one last hurrah ... when you've told yourself "if ___ ever brings home ANYTHING, I'm gone, no way am I going to deal with it again." But still staying...
Smoking in excess .. or even smoking marijuana. "I'll never ever date a smoker.. taste, smell, attitude, money down the drain... etc" we've all seen the commercials, I don't need to ramble on this one. Yes, its their own decision... but say they stop, and life is good and ya even saved the money from not buying marijuana/cigs and go on a vacation ... where your partner buys a bag/box bc they've been so strong.

Compromise.
A> Do you stick around and say, ok... one last hurrah... and if it ever happens again... THEN ya leave
or
B> You said if it ever EVER happens again, its done, despite X amount of years in the making... its happened again ... *door slam* ?


Do you A, and A and A and A and A... which turns into settling.
Do you B and "rather loved and lost then never loved at all."



Again... how much have you/will you put up with?


Personally, I never get into a relationship with the idea of changing anything. Maybe that one nail biting quirk, or chewing with mouth open at table quirk ... but those are the stupid little habit dumb things. There are things I'll deal with ONCE and if it happens again I fall into B *love lost, never loved at all* ... compromise, settling, quirks ... a little of a some of b ... I've put up with alot, and I'm sure others have for me.
I never EVER have in my entire life had a "yo-yo" relationship - A relationship where, make up break up, big fight, break up, make up, date for another few months, something else comes along break up ... make up. If its that bad of an issue for me (and I'm queen discuss, communicate, be fair, hear out, compromise, etc... as some of you know me from my early posts) to break it off, then its done, no yo-yo.


But try and rationalize a break up or that going down hill when one or the other person is just waiting for a good time to wrip the other's heart out. The mistake marriage that took to long for a divorce. Even all the friend's and bridges you've burned. Be on the other side of the coin, if/when you were the recipient of being broken up with because you made someone compromise too much.

Go through all those emotions after the break up... sadness, anger, loss, wanting it all back no matter what the cost bec you're too stubborn to once and for all break it off...



All that love, all that time, all the compromise ... how much have you put up with and why?

 

[niteloser]

Well, I seem to be on the other side of your thought here. I would so much rather be alone and a bit unhappy than WITH someone and miserable. I can't stand fighting & bickering & name calling (not that you have that, just my own feelings on the subject).

JMO *shrugs*

It's just more that I'm an unhappy person always will be. So If this is the way I am then I should be able to share my unhappiness, and maybe even see glimpes of happiness with someone.

 

[pleasteasme]

It's just more that I'm an unhappy person always will be. So If this is the way I am then I should be able to share my unhappiness, and maybe even see glimpes of happiness with someone.

I agree. We are all free to do what we feel is best for us. I do hope that you are able to see more than just a 'glimpse' of happiness with your someone

 

[lizaveta]

Being guilty of both, I see settling and compromise as two distinct issues. Settling is a giving in at the level of the heart, a deal we make with our own devil. Settling is for the long term. Settling is about making a deal to accept a lesser life. Compromise is a smaller thing. We are such complex individuals that it is inconceivable that we could ever meet someone whose habits, tastes, and behavior perfectly match our desires...

Perfect, midwestyankee.

I've been married over ten years to someone who crunches on his ice and is a completely different body type from anyone I ever dated before, or thought I would ever be attracted to (though I'm sure spoiled by it now!). The ice thing makes me CRAZY, but the crazier thing would have been to let this wonderful, amazing person leave my life over something so trivial.

And yes, he is sensitive about my ice-crunching problem, though he sometimes forgets. Instead of fighting about it, I have a signal I give him that he thinks is funny so we laugh and he stops.

Compromise is an inadequate word for what happens in a good, long-term relationship; respectful balancing might be a better phrase. DH and I don't agree on everything, but we find ways to see each other's points of view and move forward with those views in mind. Part of living with someone else is being able to evaluate your wants and desires against those of the other person, and find the path that leads to the greater good for you both. I don't always get my way and I don't resent that, because when we go in his direction it's because we've evaluated his desire as being stronger than my desire to go a different way.

And because when it's more important to me, we go in my direction.

I'm not talking about one person drinking away the mortgage money - which is a complete disregard for the good of the group - or being disrespectful of my NEEDS (which are different from wants). Such things arise in bad relationships rather than good ones, and staying in a bad relationship would, I think, be "settling".

Maintaining a good relationship is hard work, but well worth the effort for some people. Others would rather go it alone for their lifetimes, and still others just don't want to do the work to keep things together. There's nothing wrong with any of these, as long as you know which type you are and act accordingly. What is really hurtful is when someone KNOWS he or she can't be a good partner, yet drags someone else into a losing proposition anyway.

Sorry I'm so wordy today. DH has been out of town and I'm not used to the quiet around here.

 

[boston_bbw]

Why do people compromise / settle / make do? Is it because Mr. or Mz. perfect just simply doesn't exist so you go for someone who has more good traits than bad?

I am not willing to settle, or make do. Hence I am 34 and single. Now compromise is another story. Assuming he will compromise so will I.

 

[pleasteasme]

I am not willing to settle, or make do. Hence I am 34 and single. Now compromise is another story. Assuming he will compromise so will I.

Good answer!