'Como Ama Una Mujer'

[Nirvanadragones]

The way a woman loves . . . (Yes, I have been listening to Jennifer Lopez's album. ) Time for a bit of a philosophical discussion? It is Sunday morning after all.

How do you Love? (love being a verb)

In Shakespeare's "Twelfth night", one of the main themes is love and its many different natures.

The four kinds of love according to the ancient Greeks are Storge, Eros, Agape, and Philia.

And then there's this article by Simon Watts of Nottingham Trent University and Paul Stenner of University College London who analysed the nature of modern love by asking 34 women and 16 men to agree or disagree with a set of 60 propositions. They identified nine varieties of love, reported in the British Journal of Social Psychology today. They are:

· A grown-up version that involves mutual trust, recognition and support
· The "Cupid's dart" variety, in which couples - think Antony and Cleopatra or even Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr in From Here to Eternity - are swept away by blind passion
· Hedonistic love, concerned with personal and perhaps fleeting pleasure, the theme of much Hollywood film noir
· Love as the ultimate connection: an essentially romantic view
· Demythologised love that recognises the need for hard work, patience and compromise to make things work
· Love as transformative adventure: the emotional rollercoaster experience of a Bridget Jones figure
· From Cupid's arrow to a role-bound relationship dictated by society's expectations - the experience of the tortured couple in David Lean's film Brief Encounter
· From Cupid's arrow to the security of close friendship
· Dyadic partnership love, in which two people become a single unit (and tend to finish each other's sentences)

The book "Five love languages" by Dr Gary Chapman deals with the expression of love. According to him, there is:

Words of Affirmation
Quality time
Receiving gifts
Acts of service
Physical touch

The premise of his theory is, in order for us to have a mutually satisfying relationship, we need to understand each other's love language.

Here's the question: If you were to map the way you love, what would that map look like? What is characteristic of it? What comes naturally? What do you find a challenge, or difficult about loving? How do you express it? I don't want to steer the discussion in a specific direction. I don't want to limit the discussion to romantic love, or any other type .... , therefore I leave this as open as possible with merely what I have mentioned above as appetiser. Because love knows not of the boundaries we set for it.

Show me the map of how you love.

 

[impressive]

Love, to me, just ... is. It's selfless. It asks for nothing in return. I suppose the closest approximation is the New Testament usage of agape as divine.

Once some sort of return is expected on one's emotional investment, it's an entirely different beast, and I hesitate to even call it love.

I think, in the context of a relationship, what many people consider "love" is what I consider "intimacy" -- a composite of mutual admiration, desire, trust, loyalty, and respect.

I love many -- most -- maybe even ALL. But I am quite picky when it comes to who I allow inside my soul.

 

[Recidiva]

Part of my ethics is to follow my heart when she calls. This leads me in strange ways, but ones I've learned to trust. When I have the chance to indulge this call I learn something about myself, about why she calls me that way. It's a core part of what I believe to be the right thing to do.

They're not always fun lessons, but they're valuable. Unfortunately once the learning and the mystery is gone, maybe the lesson is an ugly one regarding my own selfishness or delusion, or my willingness to believe someone else's selfishness or delusion to be something more noble. Then love might also be gone, along with my impulse to strive for the survival of the relationship. I cherish the memory of those lessons, it helps me make wiser choices in the future. I fall into fewer pitfalls after I've flung myself whole heartedly into some, knowing it's a trap, and trusting in my ability to heal, to learn the nature of the trap.

At this moment I'm with someone who loves me and it's a mystery. This person fascinates me and I don't think I'll ever figure it out or understand. That is where I'm happiest, at the center of something I can't comprehend. Always something to learn. I've outstripped the learning of all the relationships before this, and I'm always on new ground trying to find my footing, trying to get it, trying to be worthy of it. That's how I want to spend my life, learning the lessons of loving and being worthy of her burning gifts.

 

[cloudy]

I love with all I have, everything I am, or I don't love at all. Just the way I'm made, I suppose.

 

[Guest]

still working on this but

bump

 

[Liar]

I am, in a sense, agoraphobic. Not as in fearing open physical spaces (I'm quite the opposite, an agoraphile, in that regard), but as in being slightly uncomfortable in public space. Or in someone else's private home, for that matter.

When I get home, get inside and close the door behind me (or when i visit certain places I consider home from home), something happens. I can relax on a whole different level, focus better, think clearer, breathe easier, kick my shoes off, wriggle my toes and not worry.

Love and being in a loving relationship has similar effect on me. A sense of familiarity, a sense of Rightness, and of pieces fitting together.

That's how I experience love (noun). How do I love (verb)? By trying to be the same mobile "home" for someone else, I suppose.

 

[mismused]

delete

 

[Guest]

i'm a good friend. well most of the time. i give everything i can to my friends because to me they're the family i never had growing up. or even have now.

so i make a point of trying to figure out what it is that they need. i try to read them and give them what they need. its taking back that i cant do. or asking for something in return.

a lot of my relationships are undefined and change in their nature. i'm the typical scared of commitment chick. not because i dont want to be in a relationship. but because i dont really know how. even with my kids at times i go distant. at least i dont push them away like i do other people. i give my kids everything that i know they need and more. but its a slow journey to let them give me something back.

i run away when someone wants to love me back. cause its real scary to think that i'm worthy of that. and what if i'm not and they find out?

 

[Recidiva]

I am, in a sense, agoraphobic. Not as in fearing open physical spaces (I'm quite the opposite, an agoraphile, in that regard), but as in being slightly uncomfortable in public space. Or in someone else's private home, for that matter.

When I get home, get inside and close the door behind me (or when i visit certain places I consider home from home), something happens. I can relax on a whole different level, focus better, think clearer, breathe easier, kick my shoes off, wriggle my toes and not worry.

Love and being in a loving relationship has similar effect on me. A sense of familiarity, a sense of Rightness, and of pieces fitting together.

That's how I experience love (noun). How do I love (verb)? By trying to be the same mobile "home" for someone else, I suppose.

This is something that I have as well, that's difficult to explain.

I've spent so much time feeling I was in the wrong place, with the wrong people, that when that feeling is no longer there, it's a huge relief. Not only is the pain of being misplaced gone, but the benefits of being in the right place are huge.

 

[Guest]

Con todo mi corazon
que no ve el dia
o la noche,
solamente mi amor -
mi amor que dise
te quero,
te quero,
amor de mi amor.

translate please

babelfish doesnt love me

 

[scheherazade_79]

Good question... I need time to answer, though. Not even sure if I can answer, to be honest, but I'll give it a go.

 

[impressive]

I am, in a sense, agoraphobic. Not as in fearing open physical spaces (I'm quite the opposite, an agoraphile, in that regard), but as in being slightly uncomfortable in public space. Or in someone else's private home, for that matter.

When I get home, get inside and close the door behind me (or when i visit certain places I consider home from home), something happens. I can relax on a whole different level, focus better, think clearer, breathe easier, kick my shoes off, wriggle my toes and not worry.

Love and being in a loving relationship has similar effect on me. A sense of familiarity, a sense of Rightness, and of pieces fitting together.

That's how I experience love (noun). How do I love (verb)? By trying to be the same mobile "home" for someone else, I suppose.

This "home" is what I speak of as intimacy.

 

[cloudy]

translate please

babelfish doesnt love me

With all of my heart
that does not see the day
or the night
only my love
my love that says*
I want you
I want you
Love of my love.


*should be spelled "dice" instead of "dise"

 

[cloudy]

Love songs are so beautiful in Spanish:

Bésame, Kiss me
bésame mucho kiss me many times
Como si fuera esta noche as if this night were
La última vez for the very last time

Bésame, Kiss me
bésame mucho Kiss me many times
Que tengo miedo a perderte I'm so afraid I will lose you
Perderte después lose you later on

Quiero tenerte muy cerca I want you very close to me
Mirarme en tus ojos to see myself in your eyes
Verte junto a mi to see you close to me
Piensa que tal ves mañana thinking that maybe tomorrow
Yo ya estaré lejos I'll be far away
Muy lejos de ti very far from you

 

[mismused]

delete

 

[cloudy]

Smarty-pants! Please forgive my lack of proper use of a dictionary.

Spanish is a true language of love as I have been finding out. This is because, as far as I can tell, it can be used (the words) in so many different ways, with many inflections. I would translate it as:

With all of my heart
that sees not the day
nor the night
only my love that says -
I love you,
I love you,
love of my love

But either would be correct (save for my poor spelling ) Hope that helps, fem.

Love you, Rez girl.

Yes, both are correct. You are right, Spanish is a gorgeous language for love, as are any of the romance languages.

(literally, though, "te quiero" means "I want you" - from the verb querer: to want)

 

[bluebell]

Incalculable

Darling Vana, a moving topic, as ever.

There are so many kinds of love. So many ways they manifest.
And some people just understand. They offer it without fear and take it back in with a strength made of otherness.

i run away when someone wants to love me back. cause its real scary to think that i'm worthy of that. and what if i'm not and they find out?

Fem, our smallest moments of nobility betray our deepest love.
It doesn't always come out right and things get messy, but people can see.

I think what you said is at the core of a lot of love-related issues.
So many feelings can pile up when you're allowed to love someone without expectations on either side. That's probably when lots of people are most giving.
The thought of "forever" is almost less scary than the thought that someone might know you so well as to love you, and to love you so well as to require you (even against your fear) to love them back and allow them in.

As humans, no matter how self-assured we may be, we will always have a weak flank.
There will always be potential for soul-horrifying embarrassment, or that someone other than our own selves will see exactly what it is that makes us afraid and then either use it against us or allow that to change their opinion of us.
No denying that's a huge trust to shoulder for one another and no denying it can often be too much for some people to bear. Which is why pushing away happens.
There's always a tiny bud of enfeebling fear, and this fear transmutes to unworthiness.
Forgiveness is hard, and accepting forgiveness can sometimes be harder.
I think it's likewise with love.

For myself, besides dealing with feelings of unworthiness (I was recently told I had a Self-Deprecation Discount ), I feel like it's easier to love in secret.
I want people to know I love them and that I care deeply about getting to know who they are but when the questions get turned on me it's both a little exciting and really scary.
Because there's a light on your face, then. And that can be both freeing and frightening. Here's where the word vulnerability comes in.
You have to expose things; hiding forever is not an option because sooner or later someone will see you for what you are, no matter if you're wearing an emotional burka.
It might not even be someone you want to see you.
Even if that teaches you something, wouldn't it be better to reach a tenuous grasp to the person of your choosing and their desiring? (Asking broadly.)

One time I wrote in my journal that that I didn't think love was just one reason to be attached to someone else; it was a collection of all the experiences you've had with and felt about that person.

 

[English Lady]

I love as naturally as I breathe. I love on all different levels at all times, my life IS love.

Love is my reason, my faith and my practise. I find it easier to love than to hate, in fact I can quite truthfully say I've neer hated anyone, disliked'em yes, but never hated. I love at the drop of a hat, I can't help it, I jus do and I am blessed in that I've only had that love abused on rare occassions.

This vese from "make me a channel of your peace" is my prayer:


"Oh, Master grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul."

Love is my calling and I feel closest to God when I love and yes, this incldes when I make love too

 

[Salvor-Hardon]

http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c104/salvor-hardon/lovemap.jpg

There are different kinds of love and different actions that display those loves. Taking away the love for non-humans ( I love coffee, tea, pizza my laptop etc) I see five ways I show love for people.

I do give gifts. Not to just anyone and not just anything, a gift to me is quite different than alms to a charity (my love for a good cause or humanity in general). I give to make someone smile, to brighten their day. Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, are parts of it, but also the "for no reason" gifts. I was just thinking of you and wanted to get you something. There are sets of those that are gifts of things I made and things that are mine I give for the recipient to have a tangible concrete symbol of me. I want them not to not just have a thing, I want them to have me. There are also gifts of my time, making a thing, putting time not just for them but the time of crafting the gift is spent thinking of them.

I do things for people out of love. I have fixed hundreds of computers, free of charge for friends, neighbors, family. I've donated time and skills to help people because I want them to know they are worth something that I will never get back. I invest the most valuable resource of a person in them, to let them know they are special to me.

That time is not always an act of service though. There is time with a purpose and time that is more ethereal. Conversations, road trips, concerts, excursions, those are all expressions of love for me. I want to be with the person to make a meory with them. I am not doing for them, I am being with them, and that is a very distinct difference.

I am a closed person a times, and my deeper more honest revelations are few and far between. Letting a person into my fantasies, my sensuality, being uncovered and emotionally naked, even without sex is rare. To be so for me is a tremendous act of love, trust, and connection. I do it too quickly when I am lonely, when I am ill at ease, wanting someone to be with me, in some way. Even in those times when I open myself and my imagination to bring in someone who I later regret the inclusion, there was something about them some spark that caught my mind's eye to beckon them in to being with.

There are the times that I am open that are not sensual, nor are they fantasy driven. When my thoughts and perceptions are presented, given in a sense to another in hopes that my strange way of being is not rejected. The best illustration of this was a very dear friend and I were having lunch and discussing programming languages. To help me relate to object oriented programming he said "Objects are the Platonic ideals, instances are the material forms." I came back with "Yeah that makes sense, why couldn't the authors use that?" He smiled and took a drink "I wouldn't use that analogy with anyone but you." He understands my quirks and peculiarities and appreciates them. I can be strange and weird around him and not worry about being looked at oddly.

Then there is the love I crave. the touches, the kisses, the cuddles and hugs, the soft sweet afternoons of love making and wild animal passion filled nights. Brushing my fingers through her hair, rubbing her back to ease her tensions, her head against my chest, my arms around her waist. Not a word needs to be spoken, no gift greater then one finger tip touching another and smile that passes back and forth.

These are the ways I love.





thank you Vana for being thought provoking.

 

[inlovewithyourghost]

I have a fundamental need to reach out and touch those that I love.

Though the love I have is deep-rooted and strong...
When it comes to the expression of love....
I think I have a tendency to pour my heart out in the quiet moments.
Preferably without breaking the silence.

When I love... I do so completely...
I don't expect anything in return...
much less want anything "obligated" to me.

And yet at the same time, I understand that I cannot simply reach out and touch...
without being touched back in some form or fashion.

Which is why I fear love at times.
Because I'm not sure that I know how to be loved back.

 

[feeeriek]

how do i love by my actions whether in word or deed... as to worthiness of being loved...one is not loved because they are worthy... or not... doing so puts a price on love... that is something that has no price...if it did it would become worthless...love is given freely because it is love

 

[Guest]

i this thread

 

[mismused]

delete

 

[Guest]

Short paean to your love:

I love that you love,
I love that you care,
I love the fear you say
that you bring to this thread.

I love your inner self,
I love its unfolding,
I love the need you know within
that keeps you with us.

I love your A/Vs,
I love every one,
I love that they show
how it is you have no real fears.

Now love us more,
Now love you more,
Now be so kind
as to never say good bye

And we'll never cry.

 

[Guest]

[I am a closed person a times, and my deeper more honest revelations are few and far between. Letting a person into my fantasies, my sensuality, being uncovered and emotionally naked, even without sex is rare. To be so for me is a tremendous act of love, trust, and connection. I do it too quickly when I am lonely, when I am ill at ease, wanting someone to be with me, in some way. Even in those times when I open myself and my imagination to bring in someone who I later regret the inclusion, there was something about them some spark that caught my mind's eye to beckon them in to being with.

wow.

thats so me it's scary