Communication Tips, Tricks, and Techniques?

[SweetErika]

I know we talk about communication a lot, and have even mentioned techniques often. However, I've noticed there are a lot of members who have great styles in posting here (e.g. validating others, disagreeing politely, avoiding inflammatory language, etc.), and thought it might be fruitful to condense tips, tricks and techniques down into one thread. I don't know about anyone else, but I've picked up a few things over the years that seem to help communication, though feel I still have A LOT to learn.

A few possible topics I've wondered about (feel free to add your own, and perhaps examples ):

-What are some techniques you use to facilitate better communication?

-Validating the thoughts or feelings of others

-Disagreeing politely

-Talking about/pointing out errors, perceived inconsistencies, etc.

-What are some good ways to diffuse a (potentially) volatile situation/argument verbally?

-Persuasion without being pushy or manipulative

-Voicing thoughts and feelings without blaming

-What are some good ways to ask for a change in behavior or an apology?

-Any other key words, phrases, techniques that are helpful, or those that should be avoided (well, besides the obvious name-calling, screaming, etc.)

 

[yoshimitsu]

I think it has a lot to do with the overall relationship you maintain. I try to let people know it's hard to ruffle my feathers and try and bring the same out of them. I like creating relationships where there is a lot of flexibility and understanding. This way
-It's rarely hard to bring up subjects that migh otherwise be difficult.

-It's easy to validate them and have it mean something due to a genuine conection.

-I don't have to dissagree politely and they don't get upset if I try to challenge their beliefs. It's just a way to make you think about things from another perspective. (I am no good at disagreeing politely, it's uncomfortable for me)

-I can be forward about problems or errors or improvements I can see made without offending them.

-

What are some good ways to diffuse a (potentially) volatile situation/argument verbally

- I think of it like Aikido take their energy coming at you and transfer it somewhere else without letting it hurt you or them. It is hard for one person to start an argument. If one does start either one person is being beligerent or both people are initiating it. Be open to their views weather or not your ready to take them as your own.

-

-Persuasion without being pushy or manipulative

- Present them with what you believe to be a better way in a calm well versed manner and make it very clear that it is their choice, only to be made when they are ready to see it from that perspective. If you can't convince them maybe you have to research that beilef your self untill you have a convincing story or perhaps realize it's not the best way after all.

My girlfriend and I have arguments all the time but have had probably one big fight and maybe a couple smaller ones in the 5 years we have been together. I think a lot of this is because when we have a disagreement I am open to her side and she is open to mine. We can argue a topic for hours, sometimes I convince her that I am right (Or maybe just righter or more convincing) sometimes she convinces me, sometimes we both maintain our beiliefs but it's okay because I am open to her having her own beliefs and she to me having mine. This way an argument almost aloway turns out to be positive for our progress insead of hurtful to our relationship. I try to have this repour (Im sure it's spelled wrong, sound it out) with every one I know though on a less impactful scale.

I think it's good to just be open to their beliefs, build your relationship around how you interact with people, and don't let the darker emotions controll your behavior. Fear, anger, jealosy, ect are all good emotions and you shoud be open to them but if you react to a situation fuelled by them you will not benifit the situation. Always keep your head. Stay calm, centered, and focused.

 

[EJFan]

erika... i have to come back and address this a 2nd time because i just don't have all the time i'd like to think right now.

in the front of my mind, i think there are two key points... listen and be accepting. if a person follows those two points they'll go a long way to being a good communicator. i, personally, have huge problems with both.

an argument can be INCREDIBLY volatile... but if both parties listen to what the other is being loud about it'll diffuse itself in time. nothing wrong with a shouting match as long as what's being shouted gets heard. 9 times out of 10, that's really part of the root of the shouting anyway... someone doesn't feel as though they're being listened to and it escalates.

accepting a person for having a differing view... or even for being flat out wrong... is also important. i like to think that i'm wise enough to solve everyone's problems and set everyone straight about all sorts of things. only recently have i learned that allowing someone to live in their own world and with their own satisfactions/understandings is ultimately the best bet. i'm not responsible for their perfection or idiosynchrasies. and no one is omniscient so to try to make everyone know things just because i know them is really very egotistical. so i have started just accepting people for who they are and allowing them to be content that way... as long as we're all happy-happy, who cares about the little shit?????

 

[Eilan]

Well, I don't know that I'm the best person to be weighing in on this thread because I tend to vacillate (both here and IRL) between helpful/nurturing and bitchy.

However, I did realize after my ex and I split up that while we spent a lot of time talking to each other, we weren't really "communicating." We neglected the really big issues. Furthermore, I have this tendency, which I've worked hard to tone down a bit, to be honest to the point of bluntness/crudeness. I'm not advocating lying; I just try to be more tactful.

-What are some good ways to ask for a change in behavior or an apology?When it comes to apologies, I'm not sure that asking for one is necessarily a good idea. I think that an apology that has to be asked for is less likely to be sincere; I'd rather have the other party come to this realization on his/her own.

I will say, however, that I do ask my kids to apologize when they hurt each other, but that's mostly so they'll realize that that's what they should do when they hurt someone. My two oldest daughters are to the point where they will apologize without being told to do so, and that's what I want them to do.

-Any other key words, phrases, techniques that are helpful, or those that should be avoided (well, besides the obvious name-calling, screaming, etc.)This kinda goes along with persuading without being pushy/manipulative, but I would add emotional blackmail/guilt-tripping to the list of things to avoid. I don't want someone to agree with my POV just because I've guilt-tripped him/her into doing so. If it's a victory, it's certainly a hollow one.

Communication isn't just about talking. It's also about listening. Not hearing. Listening. There are quite a few threads around here that deal with breakdowns in communication. It's fine to ask, "Have you talked to him/her about it?" but perhaps we should also ask, "Are the two of you actually listening to what the other has to say?"

Don't know if any of that helps or not.

 

[SweetErika]

I think it has a lot to do with the overall relationship you maintain. I try to let people know it's hard to ruffle my feathers and try and bring the same out of them. I like creating relationships where there is a lot of flexibility and understanding. This way
-It's rarely hard to bring up subjects that migh otherwise be difficult.

-It's easy to validate them and have it mean something due to a genuine conection.

Agreed. I think this entire post is great, by the way. Personally, I think I understand concepts fairly well, but examples are really helpful. I've read many posts where I've thought, 'Hey! That's a great way to phrase that and communicate!' and would love to see more of those types of examples that can be applied to my own life. I'm guessing that might help others too. I know there aren't any one-size-fits-all techniques, but I think there are useful words and phrases or ways of communicating that can work in a lot of situations. So could I ask you to clarify/give some examples of these concepts? Pretty please?

-I can be forward about problems or errors or improvements I can see made without offending them.

Assuming you have that type of relationship with the person you're communicating with, how might you phrase this? Would you say, "I think a problem is...." or something else?

- Present them with what you believe to be a better way in a calm well versed manner and make it very clear that it is their choice, only to be made when they are ready to see it from that perspective. If you can't convince them maybe you have to research that beilef your self untill you have a convincing story or perhaps realize it's not the best way after all.

Again, is there a way you generally present your point, or something you say to make it clear that it's their choice?

I think it's good to just be open to their beliefs, build your relationship around how you interact with people, and don't let the darker emotions controll your behavior. Fear, anger, jealosy, ect are all good emotions and you shoud be open to them but if you react to a situation fuelled by them you will not benifit the situation. Always keep your head. Stay calm, centered, and focused.

Excellent, concise advice.

 

[SweetErika]

erika... i have to come back and address this a 2nd time because i just don't have all the time i'd like to think right now.

I look forward to it. Just to clarify, I was only throwing some possible topics out to get minds going (just in case someone's groaning, thinking they have to answer all of those questions).

in the front of my mind, i think there are two key points... listen and be accepting. if a person follows those two points they'll go a long way to being a good communicator. i, personally, have huge problems with both.

an argument can be INCREDIBLY volatile... but if both parties listen to what the other is being loud about it'll diffuse itself in time. nothing wrong with a shouting match as long as what's being shouted gets heard. 9 times out of 10, that's really part of the root of the shouting anyway... someone doesn't feel as though they're being listened to and it escalates.

accepting a person for having a differing view... or even for being flat out wrong... is also important. i like to think that i'm wise enough to solve everyone's problems and set everyone straight about all sorts of things. only recently have i learned that allowing someone to live in their own world and with their own satisfactions/understandings is ultimately the best bet. i'm not responsible for their perfection or idiosynchrasies. and no one is omniscient so to try to make everyone know things just because i know them is really very egotistical. so i have started just accepting people for who they are and allowing them to be content that way... as long as we're all happy-happy, who cares about the little shit?????

Also great points. I'm guilty of raising my voice when I feel I'm not being heard, especially with a few select people. Sometimes when I really need to be heard, I'll preface what I have to say with, "I look forward to your responses and hearing your other thoughts, but I feel like I need to be heard first." *shrugs* It seems to work sometimes. I'm curious about other things to say in the middle of the conversation, or if I don't really have something prepared ahead of time.

I was also talking to a girlfriend yesterday about how our husbands are often overzealous with problem-solving/advice when we feel like we just need to vent or be supported. I'm guilty of that too...I want to help, and figure there's always a solution. So, when someone's about to tell me about a problem or bad experience, I'll often ask, "Would you like me to just listen and support you, or would you like views or solutions?" Then I'll also tell someone what I'm looking for from them as well, because I can get frustrated otherwise.

 

[EJFan]

I was also talking to a girlfriend yesterday about how our husbands are often overzealous with problem-solving/advice when we feel like we just need to vent or be supported. I'm guilty of that too...I want to help, and figure there's always a solution. So, when someone's about to tell me about a problem or bad experience, I'll often ask, "Would you like me to just listen and support you, or would you like views or solutions?" Then I'll also tell someone what I'm looking for from them as well, because I can get frustrated otherwise.

this exact point was mentioned at some length in "white men can't jump" and i think it's a great observation AND a good philosophy to live by. men need to work on their empathy skills, generally speaking.

 

[karndav]

I have spent alot of time in therapy and one iof the thing they have said to me while 'arguing" or trying to sort out an argument is when you are talking to a person you repeat back what they have said to you. Soemthing like...What i hear you saying is.....blah blah blah...that way if you are not getting what they say you can clear up misunderstandings right now. this doesn't always work in the heat of the moment, but hwne you have calmed won and are rationally talking about the stituatution.

 

[yoshimitsu]

Hopefully I remjember to awnser some of your questions when I am more soberer.

 

[Guest]

 

[yoshimitsu]

I think I can probably learn a lot from this thread and might not have too much to offer, but I find that establishing clear expectations helps avoid a lot of confusion and second-guessing. I learned this at some customer service seminars I had taken several years ago, and try to do this in my everyday life, but apparently failed miserably yesterday. Resulted in a lot of "I thought you were going to..." and "You assumed...." dialogue. Oh well, life goes on.

I dissagree for the most part. I think it's best to have very flexible expectations and as few as possibel. For example, say a girl meets a guy. He's a wonderful guy and their pretty much perfect for each other. The only thing is the girl has dreamed of getting married 6 months after she meets the perfect guy in a catholic church in Vermont if it doesn't go exactly that way it will never be right. She could loose a perfecly good relationship if he does not propose in 6 months. She might get upset and end the relationship or hold it against him. If he does propose and gives her a white gold ring with diamonds and rubies and she wanted a yellow gold ring with diamonds and saphires it will never be right and will require a sacrifice on her part or turmoil in the relationship. What if they get married in a budhist temple in inda. It could be the most awsomest wedding in the world but probably won't live up to her expectations. ect ect ect.
If she had no expectations and just went with what felt good being with the perfect guy could be the perfect life even if they never got married, or if they got married in a budhist temple. And it would be easier to see the full beauty of the wedding if you didn't already have a preconcieved notion of how it's "supposed to be"
Go with what feels good. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst and enjoy every thing in between.

 

[yoshimitsu]

Agreed. I think this entire post is great, by the way. Personally, I think I understand concepts fairly well, but examples are really helpful. I've read many posts where I've thought, 'Hey! That's a great way to phrase that and communicate!' and would love to see more of those types of examples that can be applied to my own life. I'm guessing that might help others too. I know there aren't any one-size-fits-all techniques, but I think there are useful words and phrases or ways of communicating that can work in a lot of situations. So could I ask you to clarify/give some examples of these concepts? Pretty please?


Assuming you have that type of relationship with the person you're communicating with, how might you phrase this? Would you say, "I think a problem is...." or something else?

Well let's say you buy a new jacket you really like and you are wearing it out around town. You run into someone who you don't like and has a particularly abraisive personality. They come up to you and say OMG I can't believe you bought that. What were you thinking. At this point you probably feel upset and want to kick them in the balls. You may act agressively and tell them to fuk off. Now say your best friend comes up, you love them to death, respect their opinion and what they have to say. Now this person comes up and says OMG I can't believe you bought that. Your reaction is going to be completely different due to the relationship you have built. Now you will probably either start to second guess your choice or if your confidat in your descision you will probably just say "well I like it so fuk off" but it will be said and recieved in a friendly manner VS the agressive manner with the person you don't like. Build a relationship with trust, respect and good humor and you can say just about anything without sounding offensive.
You create your reality, you pick the people in your life and have a great impact on their behavior. Be honest respectful and inteligent you will atract simalar people and people who don't naturally have those attributes will still show them more around you. Act angry and shady and you will attract angry shady people as well as causing others around you to act angry and shady. Then you will probably even wonder why every one around you seems angry and shady and will expect the whole world to be like that.

Again, is there a way you generally present your point, or something you say to make it clear that it's their choice?

A lot of it has to do with presentation. Tell something in the manner of a samouri sensei and people will respond much differently than if you act like a stoney surfer dude. The manner in which a wise sensei speaks gives you the impression they have spent a good deal of time thinking and has probably aproached it from many angles. You can see the wisdom in his eyes and hear it in his voice. Even if he is wrong you may still very likely trust him. The surfer dude on the other hand may have spent the same amout of time and come to the same conclusion by the same rout but it is very likely you will have less faith in their words. So half of it's presentation but there is also the fact that the more life experience you get and the more angles you look at problems from you will quite likely take on more of that wise atmosphere. At least if your real with your self. Too many people are cought up in their own heads they don't allow their wise spirit to blossom and their behavior will reflect the goings on in their head. The wise side of yourself is just a part and an example, there are many other aspects of your self that will materialize if you can calm the chaos of your mind. Wise people will trust your words more when they see these aspects come out. Unwise people will trust your words if your a good salesman/woman. If they question your sugestion it's time to lay out the information you have gathered on the subject. Have them do the same. Either one of you will convince the other or quite likely you will land somewhere in the middle and both learn something.

Now I'm starting to sound like a stoney surfer dude

 

[Guest]

 

[Eilan]

The only thing is the girl has dreamed of getting married 6 months after she meets the perfect guy in a catholic church in Vermont if it doesn't go exactly that way it will never be right.

The Catholic Church would never go for that. Just sayin'.

[/mini-hijack]

 

[SweetErika]

I have spent alot of time in therapy and one iof the thing they have said to me while 'arguing" or trying to sort out an argument is when you are talking to a person you repeat back what they have said to you. Soemthing like...What i hear you saying is.....blah blah blah...that way if you are not getting what they say you can clear up misunderstandings right now. this doesn't always work in the heat of the moment, but hwne you have calmed won and are rationally talking about the stituatution.

I always forget that one, so thanks for the reminder, Karen. I think you're right...it doesn't always work, but can be very useful for clarifying, comprehension, and keeping your generalizations in check.

I think I can probably learn a lot from this thread and might not have too much to offer, but I find that establishing clear expectations helps avoid a lot of confusion and second-guessing. I learned this at some customer service seminars I had taken several years ago, and try to do this in my everyday life, but apparently failed miserably yesterday. Resulted in a lot of "I thought you were going to..." and "You assumed...." dialogue. Oh well, life goes on.

Glad to have you here either way, Scalywag!

I agree...stating expectations is important. In one relationship, I've wondered what the person wants from me. We'll go through this big, convoluted discussion, and it's clear they want something, but it's ambiguous, and I feel manipulated. I've found I've been able to cut it off by asking what they expect/would like me to do.

I think yoshi has a good point about being flexible when it comes to expectations, but I would still rather know what expectations the person does have so I know what I'm getting into/continuing with. Plus, assuming this is a person I care about, I don't want their wants and needs to go unheard or unfulfilled.

 

[Guest]

 

[TBKahuna123]

OK I've sat here trying to figure out how to respond, and I can't think of any specific things to point out. You know, I guess that in every response I just try to treat the person wiht the same level of respect I would like to be treated with. i knowthat sounds corney, but it's the only way I can say it. I do worry about people misreading my statements, because when communicating online it's so much harder. Respect, I think, is the key. Respect the other person's ideas even if you disagree with them, becasue You'd want them to respect your ideas too.

There are exceptions to the rule, of course. I've seen a few threads where the poster is SO out there in their ideas that they are offensive. When this happens, there are times when I just can't restrain myself, because I think these people need to be told to shut up, and they won't take a subtle hint.

The other thing is NEVER post when you are angry. I've only made that mistake a couple times, and felt like crap afterwards for doing it. Always think before you type, just as you should always think before you speak.

I was also talking to a girlfriend yesterday about how our husbands are often overzealous with problem-solving/advice when we feel like we just need to vent or be supported. I'm guilty of that too...I want to help, and figure there's always a solution. So, when someone's about to tell me about a problem or bad experience, I'll often ask, "Would you like me to just listen and support you, or would you like views or solutions?" Then I'll also tell someone what I'm looking for from them as well, because I can get frustrated otherwise.

Guys don't listen because we are overprotective blockheads who all want to be your knights in shiningn armor! At least that's what my wife says. I'm the same exact way, but I'm trying. I'll listen to her problems and litterally bite my lip to keep my mouth shut. It's a physical strain to not jump in and try to solve the problem. It REALLY pisses her off when I try to do it too, and I know this and I try. I'm just so dang overprotective of her. It's got nothing to do with not believing she can handle the problem, I just want to fix it and make it all better so her life is wonderful.

 

[SweetErika]

I try to do it with the little things too, and sometimes this is when its really important. If I tell my wife I'm going to the hardware store, she could usually expect me back in about an hour or less. Over time, this automatically becomes the expectation. So, if I can't find what I need, I might have to go to several stores. This has happened before, and its taken 2 1/2 hours to find what I need. Well, I think at some point she deserves a call letting her know it is taking a while to find what I need. Now, if I knew what I was looking for was going to be hard to find, I would have told her before I left that it might be hard to find, so I might be gone for a while, thereby setting the expectation before I left.

My point is, if you leave things vague, people tend to assume different things.

That's a good point. I think your example also demonstrates it's important to make an effort to communicate, even when it's not expected.

OK I've sat here trying to figure out how to respond, and I can't think of any specific things to point out. You know, I guess that in every response I just try to treat the person wiht the same level of respect I would like to be treated with. i knowthat sounds corney, but it's the only way I can say it. I do worry about people misreading my statements, because when communicating online it's so much harder. Respect, I think, is the key. Respect the other person's ideas even if you disagree with them, becasue You'd want them to respect your ideas too.

There are exceptions to the rule, of course. I've seen a few threads where the poster is SO out there in their ideas that they are offensive. When this happens, there are times when I just can't restrain myself, because I think these people need to be told to shut up, and they won't take a subtle hint.

The other thing is NEVER post when you are angry. I've only made that mistake a couple times, and felt like crap afterwards for doing it. Always think before you type, just as you should always think before you speak.

Guys don't listen because we are overprotective blockheads who all want to be your knights in shiningn armor! At least that's what my wife says. I'm the same exact way, but I'm trying. I'll listen to her problems and litterally bite my lip to keep my mouth shut. It's a physical strain to not jump in and try to solve the problem. It REALLY pisses her off when I try to do it too, and I know this and I try. I'm just so dang overprotective of her. It's got nothing to do with not believing she can handle the problem, I just want to fix it and make it all better so her life is wonderful.

Well said, TBK. I don't think treating people the way you'd like to be treated is corny at all...it's a great philosophy in communication and life in general. I also feel taking some time to cool off and think before speaking is a great technique. I know when my husband's in the heat of the moment, he'll count to 10 before he responds. Apparently, that's just enough time to cool off and not say something out of pure emotion.

 

[Private_Label]

SweetErika asked:

I know we talk about communication a lot, and have even mentioned techniques often. However, I've noticed there are a lot of members who have great styles in posting here (e.g. validating others, disagreeing politely, avoiding inflammatory language, etc.), and thought it might be fruitful to condense tips, tricks and techniques down into one thread. I don't know about anyone else, but I've picked up a few things over the years that seem to help communication, though feel I still have A LOT to learn.

A few possible topics I've wondered about (feel free to add your own, and perhaps examples ):

-What are some techniques you use to facilitate better communication?

Turn off or Mute the TV. I find the added noise distracting. (There was also MRi's done, and it appears that men and women process information streams differently) or set aside time for "family time" - when I was younger, this became supper time since my mother worked and my brother and I went to school. Dinner time became the time to talk about what went on in our day. We still do this to some extent - once we are all home from work the first few hours are sharing our day.

It is a lot easier to talk to someone about difficult things if you already have an open line of communication with them.

-Validating the thoughts or feelings of others

I usually say "so when I do xyz this makes you feel qrs?" Because I want to be certain I understand what feelings are being invoked here.

-Disagreeing politely

Well, knowing that my mom and brother will still love and help me no matter what I do helps this tremendously. Usually I say, "I understand you feel abc about this, but I feel differently and so far you haven't said anything to change my point of view. I'll think about it for a bit, but we may just have to dosagree on this."

-Talking about/pointing out errors, perceived inconsistencies, etc.

This has the biggest potential for hurt feelings in my house. I have to be careful to state - "This is how I feel, I just want you to understand this is my point of view... but when XYZ happens I feel..." that way I don't point fingers at anyone. One recent discussion in our house has gone like this "We haven't gotten a generator yet, I know you don't think it is important, but when Dennis hit the panhandle, they lost power for several days - and that is after all the upgrades to the system after last year's storms. I have a medical condition that requires powered equipment - this is important to me."

My mom and I have a long standing agrument on favoritism between my brother and me. It still irks me, but she hasn't changed her actions even after our discussions over the years. I had to decide if it was something worth continuing to argue about. (Not really).



-What are some good ways to diffuse a (potentially) volatile situation/argument verbally?

I say "Whoa! Let's back up here! Can we talk about this without yelling?" Then I request that we mute/turn off the TV or anything else that might cause someone to be distracted when they should be paying attention.


-Persuasion without being pushy or manipulative

I'm pushy, and my mom is manipulative. I do try to stick to facts, and when I am stating my personal feelings I let them know that too. I'm a passionate person so sometimes things I find important tend to come out in a very intense manner (no yelling, just very strongly)


-Voicing thoughts and feelings without blaming

We don't drag up past hurts - just the way I was raised. I don't know how to stop that if that has become a habit.

-What are some good ways to ask for a change in behavior or an apology?

Change behavior - phrasing is everything - if you make it seem like it is just a small change - or link it to a behavior you appreciate it works a lot better to get the point across.

apology - some people apologize and others don't. My father has never apologized for anything he has ever done to hurt me. I have learned to not expect one from him.

-Any other key words, phrases, techniques that are helpful, or those that should be avoided (well, besides the obvious name-calling, screaming, etc.)

I guess my family is just more communacative in general so it is easier to talk about problems. Plus I know deep down that no matter what stupid mistake I make they will help me fix it. They may tell me how stupid I was to do something, but they will still love me.

Make certain that the person knows (not just in words, but deep down inside as well) that you will care for them, even if you are upset at them.

 

[SweetErika]

SweetErika asked:

I know we talk about communication a lot, and have even mentioned techniques often. However, I've noticed there are a lot of members who have great styles in posting here (e.g. validating others, disagreeing politely, avoiding inflammatory language, etc.), and thought it might be fruitful to condense tips, tricks and techniques down into one thread. I don't know about anyone else, but I've picked up a few things over the years that seem to help communication, though feel I still have A LOT to learn.

A few possible topics I've wondered about (feel free to add your own, and perhaps examples ):

-What are some techniques you use to facilitate better communication?

Turn off or Mute the TV. I find the added noise distracting. (There was also MRi's done, and it appears that men and women process information streams differently) or set aside time for "family time" - when I was younger, this became supper time since my mother worked and my brother and I went to school. Dinner time became the time to talk about what went on in our day. We still do this to some extent - once we are all home from work the first few hours are sharing our day.

It is a lot easier to talk to someone about difficult things if you already have an open line of communication with them.

-Validating the thoughts or feelings of others

I usually say "so when I do xyz this makes you feel qrs?" Because I want to be certain I understand what feelings are being invoked here.

-Disagreeing politely

Well, knowing that my mom and brother will still love and help me no matter what I do helps this tremendously. Usually I say, "I understand you feel abc about this, but I feel differently and so far you haven't said anything to change my point of view. I'll think about it for a bit, but we may just have to dosagree on this."

-Talking about/pointing out errors, perceived inconsistencies, etc.

This has the biggest potential for hurt feelings in my house. I have to be careful to state - "This is how I feel, I just want you to understand this is my point of view... but when XYZ happens I feel..." that way I don't point fingers at anyone. One recent discussion in our house has gone like this "We haven't gotten a generator yet, I know you don't think it is important, but when Dennis hit the panhandle, they lost power for several days - and that is after all the upgrades to the system after last year's storms. I have a medical condition that requires powered equipment - this is important to me."

My mom and I have a long standing agrument on favoritism between my brother and me. It still irks me, but she hasn't changed her actions even after our discussions over the years. I had to decide if it was something worth continuing to argue about. (Not really).



-What are some good ways to diffuse a (potentially) volatile situation/argument verbally?

I say "Whoa! Let's back up here! Can we talk about this without yelling?" Then I request that we mute/turn off the TV or anything else that might cause someone to be distracted when they should be paying attention.


-Persuasion without being pushy or manipulative

I'm pushy, and my mom is manipulative. I do try to stick to facts, and when I am stating my personal feelings I let them know that too. I'm a passionate person so sometimes things I find important tend to come out in a very intense manner (no yelling, just very strongly)


-Voicing thoughts and feelings without blaming

We don't drag up past hurts - just the way I was raised. I don't know how to stop that if that has become a habit.

-What are some good ways to ask for a change in behavior or an apology?

Change behavior - phrasing is everything - if you make it seem like it is just a small change - or link it to a behavior you appreciate it works a lot better to get the point across.

apology - some people apologize and others don't. My father has never apologized for anything he has ever done to hurt me. I have learned to not expect one from him.

-Any other key words, phrases, techniques that are helpful, or those that should be avoided (well, besides the obvious name-calling, screaming, etc.)

I guess my family is just more communacative in general so it is easier to talk about problems. Plus I know deep down that no matter what stupid mistake I make they will help me fix it. They may tell me how stupid I was to do something, but they will still love me.

Make certain that the person knows (not just in words, but deep down inside as well) that you will care for them, even if you are upset at them.

Wonderful tips and examples...thank you so much for taking the time to share all of this, Private_Label! I really like how you phrase certain things, and I'm going to reread and practice a lot of these techniques.