Communication - chicken or egg?

[LadyJeanne]

A post Eilan made yesterday in another thread got me thinking on a tangent.

It would help your relationship immensely (and not just sexually) if the two of you would work on communication. How can you expect her to do "wild" things if it's too difficult for the two of you to talk about them?

A lot of us talk about how communicating with your partner about sex helps your sex life be better. Does communicating about sex also help the rest of your relationship be better?

I think if you open up to each other about sex, it has the effect of making it easier to open up in other ways too. It brings you closer. Or is it easier to open up about sex if you're already open in other ways? Chicken or the egg?

Thoughts?

 

[eudaemonia]

A lot of us talk about how communicating with your partner about sex helps your sex life be better. Does communicating about sex also help the rest of your relationship be better?

I think so. It's a synergistic thing.

 

[KarenDee]

I think you need to be able to communicate about the simple things first. Sex can be so complicated, and often have a certain stigma attached to it, so much that it might be easier to practice talking about everyday trivialities before moving on to the difficult stuff. When you first meet someone, it's a lot easier to find out his/her opinions on raising children, religion, where to get a decent oil change, before diving into things like anal penetration, bondage, and mutual masturbation. Gotta break the ice first before you can test the really chilly waters!

 

[silverwhisper]

i submit that sex itself is communication, potentially a very powerful "media", if you will. it's just that it's a limited one. we use the expression "make love" as a synonym for sex, but clearly, love isn't always what it's about. that's why other "media" are needed.

so in that light, i think that describing it as a chicken/egg matter is a bit misleading. :>

ed

 

[M's girl]

I have to think this one through further before I can comment on it properly. But the first thing that came to my mind is someone I once knew who had absolutely no problems talking about sex, right from the start. Makes you think (at least it did with me) that you can talk about anything after that doesn't it? WRONG! Almost all other subjects seemed to be taboo. That was very weird...

 

[LadyJeanne]

I think you need to be able to communicate about the simple things first. Sex can be so complicated, and often have a certain stigma attached to it, so much that it might be easier to practice talking about everyday trivialities before moving on to the difficult stuff. When you first meet someone, it's a lot easier to find out his/her opinions on raising children, religion, where to get a decent oil change, before diving into things like anal penetration, bondage, and mutual masturbation. Gotta break the ice first before you can test the really chilly waters!

LOL!

*taking notes - oil change before bondage*

I'm actually thinking of situations where people have been together for a while already, so they know each other and have developed some trust and respect already. It takes some trust to start talking openly about sex, but once you do and it proves to be a good thing, it becomes easier to keep talking about it. I think it helps deepen the relationship overall, because you deepen the level of trust between you, making it easier to communicate about other stuff, which then builds more trust, and so on.

That's my theory, anyway. I feel like my SO and I had a big turning point in our relationship when I started sending him some short stories - personalized porn. Sex had always been great, but that seemed to blow the doors wide open on the sex talk, and I believe our whole relationship became more open as a result.

 

[LadyJeanne]

i submit that sex itself is communication, potentially a very powerful "media", if you will. it's just that it's a limited one. we use the expression "make love" as a synonym for sex, but clearly, love isn't always what it's about. that's why other "media" are needed.

so in that light, i think that describing it as a chicken/egg matter is a bit misleading. :>

ed

I totally agree that sex is communication, and you communicate through sex. Love, lust, affection, desire, admiration. Some people who have trouble talking about love actually have no trouble communicating it through sex.

Sex: It's not just for procreation anymore.

 

[Guest]

 

[LadyJeanne]

I have to think this one through further before I can comment on it properly. But the first thing that came to my mind is someone I once knew who had absolutely no problems talking about sex, right from the start. Makes you think (at least it did with me) that you can talk about anything after that doesn't it? WRONG! Almost all other subjects seemed to be taboo. That was very weird...

I've met guys like this too - very open about sexual matters, but they totally clam up in every other way. I wonder if that's because sex is less of an emotional thing to them than a physical thing.

 

[silverwhisper]

ladyjeanne: i missed that comment about personalized porn. that's fantastic!

m's girl: i've never witnessed that kind of behavior myself, but then again, being a straight guy i guess that's to be expected. i find that weird. i think ladyjeanne is onto something there, about emotional/physical. i also think there's a certain degree of emotional crippling going on for a lot of men.

ed

 

[LadyJeanne]

What a great idea!

He thought so too.

 

[KarenDee]

He thought so too.

That's in my bag of fun tricks to try in the near future...once I feel comfortable doing it. I think sending erotic messages back and forth to a partner is a wonderful way of stirring up new sensations. I'd like to use e-mail to plan an erotic evening...the anticipation would be incredible!

 

[LadyJeanne]

That's in my bag of fun tricks to try in the near future...once I feel comfortable doing it. I think sending erotic messages back and forth to a partner is a wonderful way of stirring up new sensations. I'd like to use e-mail to plan an erotic evening...the anticipation would be incredible!

It's also really cool if you write after one of your rendezvous - you can write the story and focus on all the wonderful little things he did that made your head spin, and what you want to try next time...

 

[M's girl]

I've met guys like this too - very open about sexual matters, but they totally clam up in every other way. I wonder if that's because sex is less of an emotional thing to them than a physical thing.

I'm not wondering about that anymore.... For a lot of guys that goes.... unfortunately

 

[TBKahuna123]

You know I stepped away from this thread for an hour to analyze my realtionship and I realized that I'm not really sure which came first! We always had a great sex life, but I think we were also always open when it came to communication. We had our issues though, serious ones when we first got married and all came back to communicaiton. We worked really hard on that. I don't think it was specifically sexual or non-sexual, but just two newlyweds learning to communicate with each other. Whe had the desire to communicate though, and just always knew that was what we needed most, even though we'd never really been told that. It's had more of an impact on our non-sexual life though, than our lives in the bedroom.

One thing we used to do when we were first married was play 20 sexually oriented questions. This was a game that I proposed mainly to get my wife to ask me questions so I could answer them, there by telling her what turned me on because I was embarassed to just say it. What happened was I also learned what turned my wife on, what her fantasies were, and it became a regular way for us to explore our sexuality, though I don't think we ever made it to 20 questions.

The real break through for us sexually though came just a couple of years ago. Then we had this huge fight about our sex life and she confided to me that evertime we made love she got depressed because couldn't get pregnant. That conversation was a breakthrough understanding for me, and almost a release for her. She was able to let go of that enough to enjoy sex for what it was, a intimate physical connection between lovers. It's a more complex discussion than that, but you get the point. After this discussion thoguh we suddenly started really talking about sex and experimenting. Though our sex life was always good and passionate, I think the desire for conception really held her back to practices which gave the best chances.

What I'm saying is that even in couples who consiously push communication, there are lapses. If I'd never pushed the issue, she'd still be wallowing in that depression everytime we made love. Communication isn't just casual conversations, sometimes it's a screaming match or petty argument, because if you can get past the arguing and get down to what caused the fight inthe first place, there's usually something important that will shed some light on the your SO and your relationship. You have to take every opportunity to communicate, both the good and the bad.

 

[TBKahuna123]

That's my theory, anyway. I feel like my SO and I had a big turning point in our relationship when I started sending him some short stories - personalized porn. Sex had always been great, but that seemed to blow the doors wide open on the sex talk, and I believe our whole relationship became more open as a result.

I hade a similar experience. My wife and I had just started to open up and discuss/explore things, and our sex life had become more playful than it had in years. So, having hung out reading stories here for a couple years, I printed out a couple of my favorites and brought them to bed one night. I knew she'd love it because when we were dating and I was away touring with a show she used to read me dirty novels (Anne Rice I think, but under some pen name) over the phone; my phone bills were outrageous! Now, I had secretly started writing at this point too, and I wasn't sure how she'd respond to me posting them here. So into the mix I slipped a story I had written, not my best work, but I was experimenting. It was a descritpion of her ultimate fantasy.

So I read her a couple of the ones I printed out, and then read her mine. She was awe struck with each sentence because it was everything she'd ever dreamt of. When she got done she asked how I had found a story so perfectly fitting her dream, and I told her I'd written it for her. She just hugged me and cried, and that is still the best night of sex I've ever had!

It also taught me that I can tell her anything and not be embarassed. I worried she'd think me some porn fiend and in the end she pushed me to post that story, and more. The fact is though, this was another kind of communication, one that told us each something about the other, and ourselves.

 

[LadyJeanne]

It also taught me that I can tell her anything and not be embarassed. I worried she'd think me some porn fiend and in the end she pushed me to post that story, and more. The fact is though, this was another kind of communication, one that told us each something about the other, and ourselves.

This is exactly how it worked with the personalized porn! Suddenly, he knew I was all about cocks and fucking and how I thought about sex... It gave him the understanding that he wasn't the only sex fiend in the relationship, so it was easier for both of us to be less embarrassed to bring up stuff we want to do or talk about what we like. Plus, he knew how much he turned me on and how sexy and beautiful he always made me feel, so he felt freer to do more, and vice versa.

 

[silverwhisper]

isn't it funny how there's a perception that porn or even erotica are harmful to relationships when we can see how powerfully they can do good?

ed

 

[LadyJeanne]

isn't it funny how there's a perception that porn or even erotica are harmful to relationships when we can see how powerfully they can do good?

ed

It's a perception based on an individual's attitude toward porn/erotica. If you believe it's bad, then it becomes bad: why are you looking at porn on the internet - I'm not enough for you?!? vs. hey, what are ya looking at...that's so hot, let's try doing that right now! You can make it a really good thing or something that is secretive and shameful, like masturbation.

 

[silverwhisper]

o, i quite agree. i just think it's a weird function in this country of our fucked up views on sex. damned puritans...

ed

 

[TBKahuna123]

It's a perception based on an individual's attitude toward porn/erotica. If you believe it's bad, then it becomes bad: why are you looking at porn on the internet - I'm not enough for you?!? vs. hey, what are ya looking at...that's so hot, let's try doing that right now! You can make it a really good thing or something that is secretive and shameful, like masturbation.

Absolutely and it even goes deeper than that! For example, my wife and I occasionally would watch a porno together, for the heck of it, but not very often, though we did watch softcore stuff on Cinemax frequently. Now the big fight I wrote about a few posts ago actually happened WHILE we were watching some real porn videos. That was the catalyst that set off the discussion about sex for pleasure vs. procreation.

She had no real problem with porn on it's own, but added to her insecurities of not getting pregnant, she began to see it as a threat. Her percieved failing of herself turned into a perception that she was failing me and took me wanting to watch porn with her as proof that she was failing me somehow, that she alone didn't turn me on anymore. NEVER in a million years would I have made this round about connection because she had never been prudish about this stuff before.

Even wierder though is now that she knows that Porn is not some substitute, that it's just that I like boobs, she's much more open about everything. I can't count the number of times I'll come upstairs for bed and she's laying there with some softcore latenight Cinemax thing on. It's not really that her views on these things have changed, just that her situation made something she quite enjoys become a percieved threat.

That's another lesson learned - people's views change as their emotions and situations change also. Just because something didn't upset your spouse int he past doesn't mean it won't know, and when this happens, it's a clue to figure out what has changed their minds. This seems to happen more with women than men. Sorry gals, but you're always saying that you reserve the right to change your minds.

 

[Eilan]

A lot of us talk about how communicating with your partner about sex helps your sex life be better. Does communicating about sex also help the rest of your relationship be better?

Being able to communicate (effectively, I might add) with one's partner can help with all facets of a relationship. If I were afraid to talk about my sexual wants/needs/expectations, I think I'd also have problems communicating about nonsexual relationship issues as well. However, since my most significant sexual relationships (hubby and ex) started out primarily as friendships, I think we had a good start on the communication issues before we jumped into bed with each other. I'm not saying that this is the case with all people/relationships; it's just my experience.