Comments and feedback please

[the_bragis]

I would appreciate feedback on my rehashed short story: The Dressing Room

Although it's written in the first person, it's a total fantasy. I chose first person because I wanted to give it an 'intimate' feel. Like I was chatting with a friend. I have read other stories on Lit written like this, and I really enjoy them.

I am particularly interested in the following aspects:


- If you were scanning though the index page, would this title and blurb get your attention, or is it too ambigulous?

- If you weren't reading this to give feedback, would you have
read it all? If not why not?

- Did you feel the characters came to life in your mind?

- Was the dialog consistent with how you envisaged the characters to be?

- Was there enough desciption generally, or were there areas that were not made clear enough?

- Alternatively, were the areas you felt like skimming over?

- Was the sex scene easy to read and follow?

- And finally, when you had finished reading it, did you have a smile on your face?

Thank you,

Alex.(fem)

 

[damppanties]

Hi Alex,

Quite a lovely little story I should say. Writing it in first person worked because I loved the way it turned out. It really made me get into her head. Now on to the comments -

- If you were scanning though the index page, would this title and blurb get your attention, or is it too ambigulous?

No, I'm afraid not. The title and the description were too common. There are too many like them out there.


- If you weren't reading this to give feedback, would you have read it all? If not why not?

Yes, I would have read it as I usually try and read the writers I know from the boards when I am scanning the New Stories list.


- Did you feel the characters came to life in your mind?
Yes, somewhat. The female was good. I had a little problem with the male because, to me, he was a little inconsistent. When you introduced him, I had a different image of him than what he eventually did later. I simply imagined him differently with the first description but I guess that's too personal.


- Was the dialog consistent with how you envisaged the characters to be?

Yes, except where the female talks to herself in the mirror. That was a little odd. She could be thinking, but actually speaking out?


- Was there enough desciption generally, or were there areas that were not made clear enough?

Oh yes. No problems at all here. Loved the description.


- Alternatively, were the areas you felt like skimming over?

Nope. Read it from start to finish. It's short... how can someone skim over something which is just about 2000 words?


- Was the sex scene easy to read and follow?

Yes, Liked it too.


- And finally, when you had finished reading it, did you have a smile on your face?

Yes.



You really made this quite easy by asking questions about specific things. Though it seems like I pointed out only things I didn't like in there, those are very small things and didn't hinder my enjoyment of the story.

Keep writing.

 

[Octavian]

The Dressing Room

Hello, Alex

Here are my thoughts as requested.

"If you were scanning though the index page, would this title and blurb get your attention, or is it too ambiguous."
It is a rather non-descript title, Alex. ‘The Undressing Room’, or ‘Naked with a Stranger’ might attract more attention.

"If you weren't reading this to give feedback, would you have read it all? If not why not?"
The stories I read are either in genres that interest me or by authors I like. So I would have read yours one way or the other.


"Did you feel the characters came to life in your mind?"
I think it is difficult to bring characters to life in such a short piece. You need to observe them in different situations to begin to form an opinion about them.


"Was the dialog consistent with how you envisaged the characters to be?"
To be perfectly honest I have trouble with opening dialogue where he calls her a bitch. I mean if that is what he uses for openers how could she be sure he wasn’t a psychopath?


"Was there enough description generally, or were there areas that were not made clear enough?"
Everything was perfectly clear.

"Was the sex scene easy to read and follow? And finally, when you had finished reading it, did you have a smile on your face?"
Yes I had a smile.

A few other comments. I don’t know if anyone else cast their eyes over it before it was posted but there were a few typos, wrong words and even a mix of past and present tenses at one point.

Overall I liked it. She sounds like a sexy little lady.

Octavian

 

[PaulX35]

Good to see this appear

Hi Alex

Good to see this story appear on here, finally. I've already given you feedback earlier, and I think the story is reading well now. Cute little fantasy, that I enjoyed reading about!

Keep the good writing going,

Paul
(too busy to post a lot lately)

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Alex,

This was a great story. As for your questions,


- If you were scanning though the index page, would this title and blurb get your attention, or is it too ambigulous?

No, sorry to say I would not have chosen to read it from the title or blurb. I look for things that sound catch, with twisted titles that could mean many things or make me curious. Octavian mentioned the "Undressing Room", I would have picked that one to read. Or something like, "Satisfaction Guaranteed".

- If you weren't reading this to give feedback, would you have
read it all? If not why not?

Yes

- Did you feel the characters came to life in your mind?

Yes, the female was portrayed as strong-willed and knew just what she wanted. The male was a little mysterious, which I assume, is just the way you wanted him to come across.

- Was the dialog consistent with how you envisaged the characters to be?

Yes and no, the female dialoge was what I would expect but the male I wouldn't have expected to talk so much, if at all, aside from telling her to be quiet.

- Was there enough desciption generally, or were there areas that were not made clear enough?


Descriptions were great, just enough where it was needed.


- Alternatively, were the areas you felt like skimming over?

No, I wouldn't have dared skim over anything. The story was just long enough and held my attention. Had I skimmed I would have missed something good.


- Was the sex scene easy to read and follow?

Yes, very nicely done.

- And finally, when you had finished reading it, did you have a smile on your face?

Yes. Made me want to go buy some lingere



I loved your story. Short, packed full of just enough details and right to the point. Very exciting, if you had not told me I would have thought it was a true story.

Wicked

 

[dr_mabeuse]

- If you were scanning though the index page, would this title and blurb get your attention, or is it too ambigulous?

I think it would let me know what the story's about. It's not a real grabber, but it fits.

- If you weren't reading this to give feedback, would you have
read it all? If not why not?

Your first para is a little clunky. I would have made it much more sensual at the start rather than giving her philsophy of underwear

- Did you feel the characters came to life in your mind?

What's to come to live? The guy's a dick on a stick, and she's the usual ready & randy. Would I recongize them on the street? Of course not. He also comes off as a kind of perv, hanging around the lingerie shop. I don't care how nicely he's dressed; he's weird.

- Was the dialog consistent with how you envisaged the characters to be?
You're kidding! What dialogue? "Shut up bitch"?

- Was there enough desciption generally, or were there areas that were not made clear enough?
I don't know how she felt his balls hitting her ass when he was screwing her from behind. I did like the part about her smearing the mirror with her moisture.

- Alternatively, were the areas you felt like skimming over?
The first 2 paragraphs

- Was the sex scene easy to read and follow?
See the ball-ass comment above

- And finally, when you had finished reading it, did you have a smile on your face?
If the porn is good, I'm not smiling. My jaw's hanging open.
You mean was the punch line good? So-so.
You could have had it end with her returning the underwear she'd gone in to try on. If he's buying her stuff from now on, that would have made sense.

Thank you,

Alex.(fem)

I love you, Alex, you know that, even though you live in that place where they walk on their heads.
In the States it's illegal to try on underwear. I think bra's are okay, but it's just not done for obvious reasons.
I know, this was a story, and a total fantasy at that, but it could have been sexier. You told us that she finds underwear sexy. Wouldn't it have been more believable if she were narcisstic enough to get turned on by being naked in a fitting room with her underwear, maybe get a little fetishy about it. As it is she masturbates for no apparent reason, because she "always touches herself when she's naked". Fetish behavior is sexy (to me at least) because the person's in the grip of something they don't understand and can't control.
I also think youmissed a chance to make the male more interesting. I know part of the fantasy is the non-consensual sex, but does he have to come on like gang busters? What if he came in and just excposed himself and watched her. What if he'd seen the look on her face as she fingered the sexy lingerie before she went into the fitting room. What is she noticed him noticing her?

One last thing: The beginning gave me the impression that she had a lover and she was buying underwear for him. So when he walks her out I was wondering what this meant to her current relationship.

But it was a sweet little story, and women masturbating always fascinate me.

---dr.M.

 

[the_bragis]

Thank you.

Hello again,

Thank you for your comments and feedback.

*********

DP,

Yes, it's interesting how I can see things differently when they are pointed out to me. The female talking to herself, yes a little odd, and to be honest if I found myself doing that I guess I would have to start worrying about myself... more. Conflicting images of the male - yes I understand what you mean, and it's something I will need to watch for.


Octavian,

Well another very kind friend on this site did cast and eye over this story, and he did give me a lot of help and advice. I did however have the final edit, so any typos, spelling, and other errors are my own doing. I know what you mean about mixed tenses, and I grappled with that in a couple of places, it just seemed to read better from a story telling pov to switch to present tense a couple of times. I guess it just didn't quite work. Well - I live and learn.

"Undressing Room" - Love it!

(Oh... I hope you're not one of the ones snowed in over there.)


Paul,

Thank you again for your time and patience helping me with my writing. You're a sweetheart!

Dank u schatje.



Wicked,

"Satisfaction Guaranteed" Yep... love that one too, in fact you could build a whole story around a title like that could n't you?

Yes, you are right a man this situation wouldn't have a lot to say. Since I love this style of story, it's something I will need to be mindful of in future.

BTW you have great breasts! You know I always give myself fabulous big breasts in my stories. You know why don't you?


Dr M,

Your opening comment made me smile.

Actually it's illegal to try on underwear here too. Yuk! I guess it would be just poor hygiene to do it. Still, for the sake of the story I stretched it.

The fetish idea is hot one, and one I hadn't considered until you mentioned it. I don't know about everyone else, but I find fetishes exciting and intriguing for the exact reasons you stated.

Mmm... I guess I did have to guy coming on a bit too strong didn't I? I've already had one feedback on this story telling me 'there's nothing erotic about rape' so I will need to tone things down for that category in future.

Him exposing himself to her? Oh shoot I am such a sick little bunny at times, I really like that idea!

And yes I did give the impression of a lover a the beginning, I guess that was just a silly little slip up of mine. Maybe I should have said. 'lovers;' ?

(Congrats on hitting the top of the bdsm list too! )

********

Again, thank you for taking time to read my story, and thank you for your excellent advice and feedback.

Alex (fem)