coming back to life

[FindingFire]

I'm in my mid 40's and single. A couple of years out of a bad relationship that followed a bad marriage.

Sexually I'm inexperienced but very eager to explore. Previous partners might as well of been dead in the bed for all the impact they left on me.

I'm eager to "get back in the saddle" but terrified at the same time.

While I'm eager to explore, I have no confidence in this area. People that know me would never guess I'm lacking confidence in any aspect of my life so talking with the girls is not an option so here I am reaching out in virtual anonymity.

Help me out folks, how do you not just come back to life but thrive as well?

 

[box13]

Fear and anxiety will stop you. The relationships behind you weren't good ones, probably didn't leave your self-esteem in any great shape. Confidence, just being able to express yourself and not pull back or hide will take time. Making some friends, here probably, could help, and give you opportunity to talk about things, experience how you feel, face the scars that the past has left you with, and understand how to move on.

Once you have a little confidence, then building on that is easier.

But the right people around you help. You might not know them now, but you'll recognize them when you meet them I think.

Not sure if this is helpful, but most folks have experienced failed relationships and some kind of abuse/rejection, so you're not alone there.

Take care. Don't give up easily.



(I'm assuming you're female in one respect or another, so if the rose isn't appropriate, I apologize for that.)

 

[pplwatching]

Help me out folks, how do you not just come back to life but thrive as well?

My suggestion is to not make sex the cornerstone of your search. In my humble experience, the best relationships and most fulfilling sex are built outside of the bedroom, based on mutual goals, respect, trust, and genuine admiration for each other. In a great relationship you can let yourself be vulnerable and share that you are inexperienced but want to explore the world of passionate sex. From there great sex is very natural. As the reltionship deepens and matures the sex gets better and more satisfying.

Don't settle for a relationship in which you are not able to communicate, or for a man who doesn't take an interest in your needs. Take some time to build a relationship that you are comfortable in, and in which you both communicate with each other. From there, in my humble experience, learning what makes each other's world turn is a fantastic journey.

All the best

 

[silverwhisper]

FF, it isn't clear to me what you're looking for out of this thread. is the question one of: a) understanding what your turn-ons are, b) finding a partner with whom to explore them or c) something else?

a) start reading the stories here on lit & see what does or doesn't interest you. what kinds of sexual fantasies do you have? what kinds of partners make appearances in them?

b) i believe in exploring sexual boundaries within a trusted relationship of some kind. this isn't always how it works for some folks but i think it works for more than less. so as pplwatching says, see what develops in a relationship.

c) can you give us a little more to go on here? :>

ed

 

[amofiga]

All good advice above. I'd second the issue about not wanting to make sex the cornerstone of your new life. Just because you had some negative and/or limiting experiences (or inexperiences) in the bedroom shoudldn't make you think you need to turn into a porn star slut to find a better relationship. The most important thing is to find a person or people that you can trust, regard you as a friend and show you that they are your trusted friend too, and can show you respect as a person. Then, if you open up and express your sexual needs and desires as well as your willingness/eagerness to expand the sexual life you had to live previously, I'm sure you'll be met with more than just passing interest. However, if you just go out and let yourself be used for the sake of "getting on with your life" you may end up feeling worse. You don't need to find deep and profound love to have great sex, but you should and deserve respect and trust.

 

[FindingFire]

Morning folks and thanks for the feedback.

To expand...I'm a woman. I'm not interested in just jumping in the sack for the sake of getting laid nor am I interested in jumping into another relationship. I don't want anonymous sex or one night stands.


Ed I've been a reader on lit for years. It is the reading on here that made realize how dead my relationships were where the sack was concerned. No I haven't garnered unrealistic expectations from reading erotica.

I'm not interested in being a porn star slut, that made me giggle. But I would like to enjoy some hot steamy sex with more than my mind.

I did quite a bit of dating this summer. Lots of enjoyable kissing and heavy petting. I know my body is still alive! But I just freeze at the thought of taking the next step.

Gosh reading what I just typed it is pretty clear that I don't know what I want. :-/

 

[box13]

...But I just freeze at the thought of taking the next step....

Uh, Houston, we have a problem. Won't be easy if you're scared shitless of having sex, even if you do find the right person. And those feelings (on your side) can easily be interpreted as rejection (on his side) unless you're really good at talking and explaining, and even that might not help.

Not a big fan of it personally, but perhaps counseling? At least a book or two that can help you understand why sex makes you anxious.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

second

I second what people watching said. Also, find a friend or, more properly, friends and see where things go. One of the first friends you need to make, if you haven't already, is your own body. To the extent you are able, become a friend to your body so that you know what rocks your socks.

 

[LadyVer]

Good advice on here by the guys. I think the most important thing is the issue of trust. Trust takes time to develop and to expect that one can jump in the sack, in real life or virtually, with anyone after a short time is unrealistic for some people. Of course what is a short time for one is an eternity for another, especially on Lit.

That being said, if the guy really is understanding and worthy of trust, he can deal with your need to take more time to get to know him, regardless of his age.

 

[GrrlFriday]

Well, after heavy petting, what is 'the next step'? Is it handjobs? Is it getting naked together? Is it mutual oral sex? Is it asking him to fuck you with a toy? There are lots of next steps that you can take, but you'll need to communicate with your partner that you are getting back in the saddle and that you might freeze up.

 

[silverwhisper]

findingfire, are you closer to being able to articulate what it is you want?

ed

 

[FindingFire]

No Ed I'm not.

I think I just need to sit back and wait for whatever I'm wanting to come find me.

 

[MsQuote]

First of all, don't be in a hurry.

Secondly, don't settle.

Thirdly, don't look, but be open to the possibility.

Most importantly, I'm a big believer in coming across a man who is a best friend first ... someone who makes you laugh and you feel good being with ... someone who shares your attitude and values. Give it some time. Over time, you'll see him making an effort to woo you in an effortless way. If you're feeling sexually self-conscious or inadequate, chances are he'll show you the way without even knowing it.

That's the way it's happened for me. Good luck!

 

[silverwhisper]

FF: there's nothing at all wrong with that. sometimes, figuring out what it is we want is the biggest sticking point and everything else just flows logically from there. :>

ed

 

[SkyMoonAbove]

First of all, don't be in a hurry.

Secondly, don't settle.

Thirdly, don't look, but be open to the possibility.

Most importantly, I'm a big believer in coming across a man who is a best friend first ... someone who makes you laugh and you feel good being with ... someone who shares your attitude and values. Give it some time. Over time, you'll see him making an effort to woo you in an effortless way. If you're feeling sexually self-conscious or inadequate, chances are he'll show you the way without even knowing it.

That's the way it's happened for me. Good luck!

wonderful advice, dear.

 

[FindingFire]

First of all, don't be in a hurry.

Secondly, don't settle.

Thirdly, don't look, but be open to the possibility.

Most importantly, I'm a big believer in coming across a man who is a best friend first ... someone who makes you laugh and you feel good being with ... someone who shares your attitude and values. Give it some time. Over time, you'll see him making an effort to woo you in an effortless way. If you're feeling sexually self-conscious or inadequate, chances are he'll show you the way without even knowing it.

That's the way it's happened for me. Good luck!

Thank you for those words and everyone else's input as well.

I think I've been following your advise but I'm getting impatient. I'm tired of being alone, of feeling alone.

 

[MsQuote]

Thank you for those words and everyone else's input as well.

I think I've been following your advise but I'm getting impatient. I'm tired of being alone, of feeling alone.

The best way to get out of that trap is to get out with friends and/or family, find an activity or a community project that you think might be fun and interesting, join a sports league, even if it's dodgeball ... anything! Sometimes being newly single means you have to find new friends, and getting out increases your chances or meeting that new special someone, too.

 

[pfflyerhot]

But I would like to enjoy some hot steamy sex with more than my mind.

Ain't that the truth, no? My issue is less of a confidence thing and more of a location thing. You'll figure it out. I may have to move.

 

[FindingFire]

So I went out to a local bar last night with one of the girls. Unfortunately it seemed like it was romper room night with all the pups around. Had one trailing me all evening. Too young to be flattering or even spark and interest in me.

Strike one.

I live in a small town. Amish buggies drive past my house daily. This small town shit sucks.

 

[pfflyerhot]

I live in a small town.

Same. I'm probably somehow related to half the people in my town... Too bad incest's not my thing..

 

[box13]

So I went out to a local bar last night with one of the girls. Unfortunately it seemed like it was romper room night with all the pups around. Had one trailing me all evening. Too young to be flattering or even spark and interest in me.

Strike one.

I live in a small town. Amish buggies drive past my house daily. This small town shit sucks.

I dunno, somehow a small town in the Midwest sounds nice to me; that red earth and rye grass growing...oh wait, that's someplace farther south I'm thinking of...but c'mon, who meats the perfect lover in a bar nowadays? Guys do of course, because guys just need to ejaculate before falling asleep.

Seems like something in common intellectually, shared interests or hobbies, at least some common goals, would be important. Couldn't tell you about great sex really, but I think it's someplace over next to "trust" and some commitment to "let's try again" are.

I worry that you're just looking to get hurt again with someone who won't remember your name. Take care.

 

[FindingFire]

No, no, no. Going to the bar was just about going out and being entertained. The entertainment was the puppy.

 

[box13]

No, no, no. Going to the bar was just about going out and being entertained. The entertainment was the puppy.

Well nothing wrong with being entertained for a bit certainly. What about a group of people that are there to accomplish something, you know, intelligent, emotionally mature, all that sort of thing. Might have to drive a bit or look some.

Sounds like you got your head on well on enough though; nothing I could say would be too helpful. Wish you luck and all the best.

 

[FindingFire]

Well nothing wrong with being entertained for a bit certainly. What about a group of people that are there to accomplish something, you know, intelligent, emotionally mature, all that sort of thing. Might have to drive a bit or look some.

Sounds like you got your head on well on enough though; nothing I could say would be too helpful. Wish you luck and all the best.

Appreciate that.

 

[bigbritish]

I'm in my mid 40's and single. A couple of years out of a bad relationship that followed a bad marriage.

Sexually I'm inexperienced but very eager to explore. Previous partners might as well of been dead in the bed for all the impact they left on me.

I'm eager to "get back in the saddle" but terrified at the same time.

While I'm eager to explore, I have no confidence in this area. People that know me would never guess I'm lacking confidence in any aspect of my life so talking with the girls is not an option so here I am reaching out in virtual anonymity.

Help me out folks, how do you not just come back to life but thrive as well?

Hey, so I think you've come to a good place with this. That's a step forward.

Co-dependence is not necessarily a bad thing but it can be a long road to recover from. Sounds like you need a bit of soul-searching.

I'm far younger than you but I had to go through this. It goes something like you just said: even though you're frightened, move anyway. I'm a man so giving advice in some of these areas is laughable since you women tend to outperform in some magical ways i just can't understand.

i've thought the full gamut though, i've been to doctors to tell me i'm alright while going through this process. what i result with is a dependence on and love for all people. relationships at this point seem almost trivial, personal mastery means that the things you enjoy become very simple and are not dependent on a slough of false promises, etc.

you're gonna go through steps forward, steps backward. you're gonna reassimilate your entire past, resynthesizing, reinventing, and putting it in entirely new perspectives.

i wish you the best of luck in your travels

play some tennis, activity is very sexy. organize a group and go rent a house on a ski vacation. please try not to dissolve anyone else's relationships because it's convenient, but hey it happens.

if you want kids, my advice is to become a host mother for a gay couple. at 40 you don't have all the time in the world so just live it up.

remember to laugh