Christmas funny!!!

[Lil-Brandi]

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are we...

DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming...to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you why...

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire...

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ............(better start again)

 

[forgetunome]

Dear *insert-any-name*,

I recently got your Christmas list, but there's a few problems with it. I'd like to review them with you, if I could...

Firstly, the twelve drummers drumming are having a bit of a spat with the eleven pipers piping -- so much so, that they've completely ruined my toy shop.

The ten lords a-leaping have knocked up the eight maids a-milking, and the nine ladies dancing all got VD.

I'm up to my ass in bird sh*t from the seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, four colly birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and that damn partridge.

The five golden rings turned my fingers green.

To top it all off, Mrs.. Claus is going through menopause, my reindeer are in heat, my dwarves have filed a petition with the ACLU for gay rights, and I have YOUR Christmas scheduled for February.

Merry f**king Christmas,

Santa



http://www.jokesoup.com/santa.jpg

 

[forgetunome]

Sorry..had to add another one!

Dear Santa,

I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a
fire truck this year!

Love, Kenny



Dear Kenny,

Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.

Santa

 

[Lil-Brandi]

OMG!!!

LMAO...oohhhh this is too much...and my whole beautiful image of Santa Claus just got ruined...I'm pluggin' up my chimney!!!!

 

[Ambrosious]

Ewww.

 

[forgetunome]

I promise last one...I will resist!!

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting-- even the mouse.

The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.

And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.

Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's--all here!!

To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.

He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT........YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"

 

[forgetunome]

Re: OMG!!!

LMAO...oohhhh this is too much...and my whole beautiful image of Santa Claus just got ruined...I'm pluggin' up my chimney!!!!

Sorry...didn't mean to ruin Santa for you!! LOL!

 

[Lil-Brandi]

...giggling

That is great LOL...Twas The Day After Christmas!!

 

[SpecialK]

This one was on these boards last year...

If you enjoyed the LAST Twas the Night Before Christmas one....

Twas the Night before Christmas and God it was neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook!
Momma in her teddy and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, cleanup to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right:
"Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz!
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts!
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh cuz I gotta go pee."
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile."
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins in his hitch,
Saying "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is it never wears out!"

Poet Unknown

 

[Lil-Brandi]

OMG!!!!

LMAO...that is soooo funny SpecialK!!!