Choices: Calling off an engagement?

[Americophile]

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[culloden]

You can't start a secure future with a lie. And your fiancee won't improve with marriage. You owe it to both of you to face this head on. Maybe that means breaking the engagement, maybe not. But you have to be straight with her.

 

[Carnevil9]

Bad news does not improve with age. Tell her now. She'll throw a shit-fit, but it's gonna happen eventually, and it will only get worse the longer you wait.

And do NOT get married to the trollop you have on the side! You are clearly not ready for marriage. Keep fooling around until you find "the one" (if ever).

 

[Lord Pmann]

On the other hand, I’ve got a good, loving, stable and secure life ahead of me with my fiancée. Ending this would humiliate her and I don’t think I’m brave enough to do it. However, going into it only because I lack the moral courage to end it isn’t fair on her.

No you don't. You don't have a good anything before you. I'm not going to rant at you for the affair. Others will. But nothing you described about your life makes it sound as though it will be a good marriage. You might humiliate her now. But in the long run, though she will be better off. She doesn't know it. You screwed around on her. Swallow your pride and do the right thing. If I thought for a second this is something that would get better with counseling, I'd say to for it. But you've checked out. Call it off. Don't screw her over a second time. Seriously.

 

[wheelchairman85]

Break the engagement yes your fiancee will be very angry but its either a broken engagement now or a broken marriage and a nasty divorce later.

 

[SweetErika]

Consider this: You'd be doing your fiancee a favor by not allowing her to marry a cheater who doesn't like her.

If you can, break it off without telling her about your cheating, for that will only humiliate and hurt her more.

Your only other option IMO is committing to changing yourself by breaking off the affair and getting into therapy, then seeing if she will change as well. The wedding would likely need to be postponed while you both work on your issues. However, since you never really wnted to marry her originally, I doubt this will work out.

 

[Americophile]

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[RobertBarre]

I was at a similar crossroads once, only it was at the end of a marriage rather than the beginning. It seems like the most likely paths out at this point are:

a) End the affair and proceed with your marriage as planned
b) End the engagement and explore the possibilities of the new relationship.

Reading your post, path 'a' doesn't sound very probable. My sense is that you've already largely disconnected from this path emotionally. If you do choose this path, I would not confess the affair to your bride. Reasonable people disagree on the merits of full honesty in this scenario. In 98% of circumstances, I believe that honesty and transparency are best -- but not this one. One thing I can say with confidence is that the embarrassment and cost of calling off the wedding are trivial compared with size and scope of the everything else hanging in the balance of this choice.

I think you are very smart to be aware of the real risk that your emotions are not the wholly trustworthy instruments you desperately need them to be in high-stakes situation like this. I've heard of studies suggesting that the infatuation of new love actually changes your brain chemistry for 12 to 18 months. We can be certain of this: your new relationship will grow more dull and tedious as it transitions from the illicit highlights of your life into something more mundane, everyday and real. Would it be something richer and more rewarding in five years than what you have now? Obviously, I don't know, but neither do you. All you can do is take your best guess, make your move, and live with the consequences.

You are really in the big leagues now. If you break the engagement, you are going to hurt and disappoint people on a scale that is likely unprecedented in your life. You seem thoughtful and decent. You have also been very selfish and dishonest -- as was I. Acknowledge the truth of your failings (to yourself at least), accept the consequences of your actions and then be the best person you can be. Keep close counsel with your thoughtfulness and decency, they will offer wisdom when everything else is confusion. I wish you well.

 

[Americophile]

RobertBarre - Thanks, appreciate it.

 

[desertslave]

You can't start a secure future with a lie. And your fiancee won't improve with marriage. You owe it to both of you to face this head on. Maybe that means breaking the engagement, maybe not. But you have to be straight with her.

I agree. There's likely no "fixing" her, she is who she is. Break it off as kindly as you can phrase it. Step up and offer to share the expenses that have already been incurred, and go your own ways.

Don't mention the affair, that's unnecessarily hurtful.

There's just no sense in staying with someone who you're already unhappy with just because you feel obligated. Even if you end the other relationship you're in now, chances are that you'll find yourself equally unhappy in the future, and then you'll be even more stuck than you are now.

Good luck!

 

[Sundayschild]

RobertBarre - you have just nominated yourself as my agony uncle! Americaphile, nothing much to add, just good luck.

 

[subwannabe]

I have to join in with those who said "man up to it", break off the engagement, and that it is better not to mention your cheating since it is over anyway. That's just extra information that she really doesn't need to know.

 

[MTBR]

I'm a long-time lurker who's indirectly benefitted from a lot of the good advice and wisdom on here and I now find myself in need some direct advice. I’m well aware of the moral aspects of what I’ve done… Sorry for the long story:

I’m engaged to be married in September: Invitations are out, dress is bought and money spent. I’ve been with my fiancée for 5 years and we share a lot in common and have a good, secure life ahead of us (emotionally and financially). My fiancée works very long hours, is permanently stressed by work (lawyer), is poor company (almost constantly ranting about something is the closest we come to conversation most evenings) and has, since we got engaged, become less and less attractive to me. I proposed to her because it felt like what I should do and was never excited about marrying her because it felt like formalising what we already had.

So, against this, for all sorts of reasons and without intending to, around 6 months ago I began an affair which has progressed into a full-blown relationship.

Even when you discount the thrill of a new relationship, the unbridled pleasure of falling in love and the spice of an illicit relationship, I have never known anything like this – personal and sexual chemistry, lifestyle, aspiration, hobbies – it all matches feels like nothing you actually ever expect to feel; these feelings should only happen in books and films.

Anyway, I have become the complete hypocrite I detest and something needs to give now. A very large part of me wants to get out of the impending marriage and to start afresh with the girl I’ve been seeing, this is magnified when I’m with her but remains when I’m not. But of course, it may lead to nothing…

On the other hand, I’ve got a good, loving, stable and secure life ahead of me with my fiancée. Ending this would humiliate her and I don’t think I’m brave enough to do it. However, going into it only because I lack the moral courage to end it isn’t fair on her.

So, at the end of this long story, I'd be grateful for any advice and experience other have to offer.

Not that I want to potentially influence a descision that will change your entire life here, but from my point of view, I couldn't hold it to myself to maintain a life with someone that I wasn't completely applicable with. To me, this would be one of if not the most major descisions in my life, something I'd want to be one hundred percent sure I was making the right one on. Therefore, if this was me, I'd strongly reconsider any such unification given I wasn't entirely confident I could enjoy a life with a person I didn't fully mesh with.

Saying that, I know a great many married couples who haven't based their marriages upon a series of similar factors about them. More so, like in your case, the hopes of reinforcing a fondness that you once held. Sometimes it works, sometimes, I guess, it wont.

I mean, its just my two cents. I have no standpoint whatsoever on your affair, that's absolutely not my place to say, but in my humble opinion any marriage prospect should be considered with the upmost care and you have to be behind your own stance on that one hundred percent, otherwise why a vow that bounds you together for life? (Granted, it doesn't always end up with a lifelong attachment, but still). Its better to decide this now then a few years down the line, I would say.

 

[aquarius2291]

I'm a long-time lurker who's indirectly benefitted from a lot of the good advice and wisdom on here and I now find myself in need some direct advice. I’m well aware of the moral aspects of what I’ve done… Sorry for the long story:

I’m engaged to be married in September: Invitations are out, dress is bought and money spent. I’ve been with my fiancée for 5 years and we share a lot in common and have a good, secure life ahead of us (emotionally and financially). My fiancée works very long hours, is permanently stressed by work (lawyer), is poor company (almost constantly ranting about something is the closest we come to conversation most evenings) and has, since we got engaged, become less and less attractive to me. I proposed to her because it felt like what I should do and was never excited about marrying her because it felt like formalising what we already had.

So, against this, for all sorts of reasons and without intending to, around 6 months ago I began an affair which has progressed into a full-blown relationship.

Even when you discount the thrill of a new relationship, the unbridled pleasure of falling in love and the spice of an illicit relationship, I have never known anything like this – personal and sexual chemistry, lifestyle, aspiration, hobbies – it all matches feels like nothing you actually ever expect to feel; these feelings should only happen in books and films.

Anyway, I have become the complete hypocrite I detest and something needs to give now. A very large part of me wants to get out of the impending marriage and to start afresh with the girl I’ve been seeing, this is magnified when I’m with her but remains when I’m not. But of course, it may lead to nothing…

On the other hand, I’ve got a good, loving, stable and secure life ahead of me with my fiancée. Ending this would humiliate her and I don’t think I’m brave enough to do it. However, going into it only because I lack the moral courage to end it isn’t fair on her.

So, at the end of this long story, I'd be grateful for any advice and experience other have to offer.

Put yourself in her shoes. Then, treat her the way you'd want to be treated. Would you want her to break it off and tell you? or would you want her to continue to lie to you? I think she deserves to know everything, and I don't think omitting the cheating is the right thing to do. You are only afraid of humiliating yourself, not her. If you cared you wouldn't have done what you have done in the first place.

 

[Ellafun]

You have a very tough road ahead of you, my friend. Terminate the engagement, for all of the right reasons, before you end up splitting up the estate in a horrible divorce for all of the wrong reasons.

Whether or not you decide to tell her about your other relationship, in the world of social networks and cell phones, she's going to find out, no matter how discreet you think you are. And her family, and your family, are going to put you through the wringer.

I wish you luck. I can't imagine the turmoil you must be feeling right now, but I would be wary of throwing yourself completely into another committed relationship. I don't think you're ready, imho.

 

[TeaforMe]

You need to end both relationships, quite honestly.

You had the affair as a result of something that is broken in your relationship with your fiance. It's a symptom of you and/or her not being fully ready for this marriage. If you have spoken to her about your true feelings and nothing has progressed, your affair is your acting out....an exit affair is what they are usually called. Count your blessings that you discovered this now, and not 5 years, 2 kids from now when things would really get messy and painful. Breaking off an engagement is a lot easier than filing for divorce and facing a potential custody dispute/child support payments. Should you have ended it with her before it got to this point, probably, but for the sake of not judging, you now have the opportunity to make this right.

A man head over heals in love with the woman he is going to marry, is so caught up in her, he can't fathom anyone else being in his lifw. Until you feel that way about someone, you are not ready.

I say break off the second relationship as well, because, honestly you are not looking at her through a clear lens. It is an illicit and exciting thrill for now, but once the dust settles all around you, you will see that someone who was willing to conduct a relationship with you while you are engaged to someone else is probably not who you want to marry either.

I wish you the best luck.

 

[KlaytonFrost]

I respectfully disagree with the people who say you should end both relationships. I don't know the details, but from the way you write it's clear to me what you want and what would make you most happy... and that is breaking off your engagement and pursuing a more genuine relationship with your affair. You heart already knows what you want. Listen to it. It's as simple as that.

 

[skytowner]

Been in your shoes, didn't call it off and 18 month later got divorced (no kids involved thank goodness). It won't improve, you'll get progressively miserable and eventually it will fall apart.............TRUST ME!
Man up, call it off tactfully and let her start the healing process and since it sounds like you've emotionally checked out already you can move on!
Best of luck to you...both!

 

[Goey]

I've never cheated, never will and obviously don't agree with it. However seeing this as a situation where you need to throw both relationships away and get "therapy" is making it too black and white for real life. Affairs happen, they're not right but they're not some evil that needs to be killed with fire either. An unhappy relationship and being a coward probably cause more affairs then I care to think about.

Obviously you've left this too long, and you know that. You need to break off the marriage as it's not what you want and it's better to stop it before it happens rather than living in misery and going through all the paper work some time in the future.

She's probably never going to speak to you again so what reason you tell her is up to your conscience. I personally wouldn't tell her about the affair but if you feel you have to it isn't going to affect your life very much, selfish yes but I'm giving you advice, not her.

Affairs do however feed off the danger and secrecy of having them though so don't be surprised if that relationship doesn't last. Most women who lust after a married man aren't looking for commitment. You'll also probably best having some thinking time before jumping ahead with that one after breaking the news to your wife to be.

Like with all relationships you should end it when being with that person no longer makes you happy, and you can't see a way of changing it, not that you believe someone else makes you happier. Basically if you'd rather be alone than with them it's time to cut the rope.

 

[DrHappy]

Ending this would humiliate her.

The marriage is already doomed. Cancelling the wedding would be a LOT less humiliating and painful to her than getting a divorce after the wedding, especially if there are kids involved.

On the other hand, I’ve got a good, loving, stable and secure life ahead of me with my fiancée.

This proposed marriage that you described with this person would be none of those things. If your current affair faded, I strongly suspect that it would happen again.

I agree with an earlier poster. If you were in her shoes, wouldn't you want to know earlier, rather than later, so that you could move on with your life, rather than wasting years of your life on a lie.

I also agree that there is no need to hurt her further by telling her about the affair. That is your burden, not hers.

 

[Lord Pmann]

The marriage is already doomed. Cancelling the wedding would be a LOT less humiliating and painful to her than getting a divorce after the wedding, especially if there are kids involved.


This proposed marriage that you described with this person would be none of those things. If your current affair faded, I strongly suspect that it would happen again.

I agree with an earlier poster. If you were in her shoes, wouldn't you want to know earlier, rather than later, so that you could move on with your life, rather than wasting years of your life on a lie.

I also agree that there is no need to hurt her further by telling her about the affair. That is your burden, not hers.

Good advice. And that's from a doctor. A happiness doctor.

 

[culloden]

BTW, I wouldn't say to break off the affair. I wouldn't make any big decisions with this person for some time, but it does sound like she makes you happy. See where it goes. I would say to break off the engagement, though. And you've gotten good advice about not needing to tell her about the affair, and to split, or pay all as a conscience salve, the already incurred expenses.

 

[IrishEyes80]

I agree with everyone else, it's time to end this now.


I got married because my husband and I had been together for 6 years and had a son by that point. I wasn't excited about getting married it was just what I thought I should do. I was 24 and scared that I was going to make the wrong decision for my son. Now we have been together almost 14 years and as the days go by I can see how wrong we were to get married. I know he loves me very much and it will kill him when it ends but it will end. I'm with him out of pity and I want more for myself than that. I want more for him than that. I have not cheated on him, I wouldn't do that but it happens a lot.

If you go through with this it will end in divorce.

I'm sure that you will continue this new relationship and that is your decision but I will tell you if she is willing to cheat with you she will be willing to cheat on you. Having a marriage with someone that keeping "is she cheating on me" in the back of my head for the rest of my life is not something I could do. How do you trust someone like that? And how does she not have the same thought about you in her head everyday? How could she possibly trust you?


I think for sure it's better to end both relationships and work on yourself before you entertain the thought of a marriage to someone else.

 

[SweetErika]

I think she deserves to know everything, and I don't think omitting the cheating is the right thing to do. You are only afraid of humiliating yourself, not her. If you cared you wouldn't have done what you have done in the first place.

I see what you're saying, but your assumption that telling her about the cheating would be kinder is so wrong. The OP should absolutely get himself tested for every STI possible, and let his fiancée know if anything is positive. However, that's really the only reason why he should tell her about his cheating. Being cheated on for most women (men, too, likely) is what I feel is emotional rape. It often is so devastating that we get something similar to PTSD. It can easily harm nearly every aspect of our sense of self and life, creating major issues with self-esteem, trust of ourselves and others, intimacy, power, etc. In other words, it can fundamentally impact who we are and our current and future relationships (romantic and otherwise). And, yes, it's often terribly humiliating because it assumes inadequacies and people might or do find out... especially in this situation if the OP is seen carrying on with the other woman during or shortly after the engagement.

If the OP cares about his fiancée at all, he will break it off in the kindest way possible, and that means not allowing her or anyone associated with her to learn of his cheating unless there's a health issue. Particularly in this situation, she WIL be absolutely devastated, and it could destroy her and her future relationships in multiple ways.

 

[SithLord13]

Another point is when you're having an affair, you tend to look thru rose tinted distorted glasses as you're filling a need, and later on, when the bloom is off the rose, you might find yourself in the same situation as with your fiancee, but with a different person. Might be time to besides call off the engagement, take time to evaluate yourself as well as any relationship. I've been on both sides of the matter and its not easy. I'm not proud of things I have done, but I have learned painfully from them, and approach things differently.