Cheating

[sugarmagnolia77]

I've gotten a few responses to my question about relationships that have been born on lit. Which got my mind churning and wondering things....

So - I decided I would start another thread with another question.

What are people's views on cheating. I don't mean in general, I mean what do you consider cheating when it comes to online stuff? If you engage in cybersex with someone, do you consider that cheating on your partner? How many people have little "on the side" things that they haven't mentioned to their partner or have downplayed?

I understand that for some of you, a public thread is not exactly the place you want to post this information (as some relationships are between two lit members who read and post on the Playground), so feel free to PM me with your answers and everything will be confidential.

Thank you for the warm welcomes I have received so far.

sugarmagnolia

 

[mrtnmoon]

well, keep in mind that I'm not in a relationship and I've never really been in one, but...

my own personal feeling is that I would consider it cheating. I don't really cyber anyway... most of the time I'm not interested in it and the occasions when I would indulge myself, well.... I guess I just don't attract that kind of attention here for whatever reason. if I were in a relationship, tho..... I wouldn't be looking for it at all.

edited to add that whatever anyone else does and how they feel about it is their own business. I'm not judging... just saying that if I had a SO, I would feel like I was cheating on her if I engaged in anything like that.

 

[alisonwunderlnd]

I think cheating depends on the boundaires set up by that couple.For some..even LOOKING is cheating.For some..its a dont ask dont tell.Some couple have an open realtionship.Others do not.I think it really depends upon the two involved.

 

[Recidiva]

I met my husband online, so we both know a lot of the pitfalls and temptations online.

He and I both post here. We have pretty clear guidelines about what we consider cheating and what we don't. I'd probably be okay with cyber (I came here as a writer, cyber's writing to me). He isn't okay with that, so no cyber. I'll respect his wishes and expect that if I had something that he thought was fine and I didn't, he'd respect mine.

I think the important thing isn't what other people think cheating is (lots of people think he and must be unhappy in our marriage if we post here, blah, blah, blah...)

The point is that if you and your partner are clear about what's cheating and what isn't, then you know your answer. But you have to ask, and you have to agree.

 

[CTGalPal]

Great timing for this question...

I consider the following cheating: cybering, opening personal ads and corresponding with these women, meeting other women from on-line, talking/flirting with women in chatrooms or Instant Messages or e-mails, or flirting openly with women in your prescence.

Can you tell all of this happened to me?

 

[sugarmagnolia77]

Wow! A lot of fast responses! Thanks for answering.

I guess it all boils down to trust. The internet, while at times is a blessing for people looking to meet and begin relationships, can also be a curse (pardon the tired cliche) because of the ease of use.

Anyone else have an opinion on this?

 

[mrtnmoon]

Wow! A lot of fast responses! Thanks for answering.

I guess it all boils down to trust. The internet, while at times is a blessing for people looking to meet and begin relationships, can also be a curse (pardon the tired cliche) because of the ease of use.

Anyone else have an opinion on this?

no opinion (yet) but a question. you've posted questions about internet relationships and cheating.... is there something you wanna tell us?

actually, I do have an opinion about your question, but my curiosity got the better of me.

 

[Recidiva]

Wow! A lot of fast responses! Thanks for answering.

I guess it all boils down to trust. The internet, while at times is a blessing for people looking to meet and begin relationships, can also be a curse (pardon the tired cliche) because of the ease of use.

Anyone else have an opinion on this?

It's great as entertainment, information, support.

But it's like any entertainment source, you can run to it too often and neglect your real life. You can get waaaay too much information about all the wrong things, and you can lean on it so much for support that you can't support yourself any more.

 

[sugarmagnolia77]

No, nothing to report. I'm just very curious by nature. And in reading here the past few weeks I have wondered who on this board is actually in a relationship with other Lit members. Since this place is sexual by nature I just wondered how easy it is to maintain a relationship without the old green eyed monster taking over.

 

[Recidiva]

No, nothing to report. I'm just very curious by nature. And in reading here the past few weeks I have wondered who on this board is actually in a relationship with other Lit members. Since this place is sexual by nature I just wondered how easy it is to maintain a relationship without the old green eyed monster taking over.

Uh, well, my husband was married when I met him online. So I guess I'm on the other side of that fence now. Depends completely on the strength of the relationship and the person you meet that tempts you.

 

[sugarmagnolia77]

Uh, well, my husband was married when I met him online. So I guess I'm on the other side of that fence now. Depends completely on the strength of the relationship and the person you meet that tempts you.

Thank you for being honest. I am in no way here to make any judgements about anyone (like I said, I am just curious by nature) but was your husband still married when your relationship began? (you don't have to answer that question if you don't want to.)

 

[Recidiva]

Thank you for being honest. I am in no way here to make any judgements about anyone (like I said, I am just curious by nature) but was your husband still married when your relationship began? (you don't have to answer that question if you don't want to.)

We met online 13 years ago. We started out as casual friends, and just eventually passed a point somewhere where we knew we were perfect for each other and dissatisfied with not being together.

Over time, we just became best friends and confidantes and we knew everything about the other person's hopes, dreams and desires.

It's a kinda long and sordid and convoluted story, but in the end, having the knowledge that someone out there is perfect for you...is very hard to survive intact when you're not with them.

But then again...you found someone perfect for you. So we struggled with this on and off for about six years and then finally we got together, in the wreckage of our separate marriages that we tried to keep going for honor, or loyalty, or other reasons that didn't survive the will to live out each other's lives in each other's company. I've been with him now for almost seven years. We were both burned on the idea of marriage, but we did get married a little over a year ago.

 

[sugarmagnolia77]

I think that's a sincerly beautiful story. I hope you and your husband will be happy for many years together.

 

[Recidiva]

I think that's a sincerly beautiful story. I hope you and your husband will be happy for many years together.

Thank you. Anyway, I'm both sides of this issue, so happy to provide insight

How it can wreck your life, and how it can enhance your life.

 

[mrtnmoon]

No, nothing to report.

would you like to have something to report?

 

[sugarmagnolia77]

would you like to have something to report?

not at this point in time. Should that decision change, I'll let you know.

 

[mrtnmoon]

not at this point in time. Should that decision change, I'll let you know.

at least you weren't offended. well, at least I hope you weren't. you didn't cyber *slap* me or anything.... I'm just bored so I was taking the opportunity to tease you a little bit.

if you don't mind an off-topic question, who do you like besides the dead? if you'd rather keep this thread on topic, I'll return you to your regularly scheduled programming...

 

[sugarmagnolia77]

at least you weren't offended. well, at least I hope you weren't. you didn't cyber *slap* me or anything.... I'm just bored so I was taking the opportunity to tease you a little bit.

if you don't mind an off-topic question, who do you like besides the dead? if you'd rather keep this thread on topic, I'll return you to your regularly scheduled programming...

it takes quite a bit to offend me.

as for music - I like just about anything. Music was a big thing growing up in my house. I was raised on classic rock and pretty much listen to that.

And since I started the thread I guess any topic I fee like discussing here is fair game.

 

[INeedLove]

I sit on the "cheated on" side of the fence so my response is jaded.

My ex started doing some things out of character. He got up in the middle of the night, set up seperate log-ins on the computer, got contacts, etc. All of which I failed to notice (stupid me). When he told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted out of the marriage, someone told me to be suspicious. I found out he was "talking" to someone online and had been. He didn't consider it cheating since they didn't meet in person.

Obviously we're divorced. It hurt me deeply. It effects my trust level. It makes me more suspicious. And I hate feeling that way.

So, I consider cybering, messenging and phone to be cheating. That's why I choose not to phone with married men-it would make me feel awful to be a part of making someone else feel like I did.

As you've already seen, most Litsters have different opinions of what consitutes cheating. Talking with your partner and setting guidelines is a good idea. Good luck.

 

[omahaman2]

As INL stated, people's viewpoints have differed. They should,people are individuals. The world would be boring if we were all the same!
However,one of the most important things in a relationship,I feel,is
communication! If you take this subject into consideration,the best idea is
to talk it over with your mate. Then,you know what is acceptable by each other.
Communication is very important. If your relationship means something to you,as it should, conflict can be taken care of!

 

[Raidho]

Short answer :

Something done without the full knowledge and consent of your partner.

 

[CTGalPal]

Short answer :

Something done without the full knowledge and consent of your partner.

I think that was perfectly said...

 

[sugarmagnolia77]

Thank you, everyone, for posting your ideas and experiences. It's been quite a learning experience reading them.

And it's true - cheating is whatever you define it as. And it's all between the two parties involved.

 

[sugarmagnolia77]

I have another question to ask (although I might also post it in the AM Pics section, since it deals with that)...

I have noticed on several threads there that people post pictures of themselves and ask for feedback - as, I would assume, is the point of that section of the board. However, I have ALSO noticed that those same people post later on that they don't want any suggestive PM's anymore.

My question (or more of an observation) is - should you even post if you don't want that reaction? I understand that every person is entitled to respect and decency, but at the same time - don't they realize the reaction they will get by posting nude pics of themself on a porn board?

 

[Recidiva]

I have another question to ask (although I might also post it in the AM Pics section, since it deals with that)...

I have noticed on several threads there that people post pictures of themselves and ask for feedback - as, I would assume, is the point of that section of the board. However, I have ALSO noticed that those same people post later on that they don't want any suggestive PM's anymore.

My question (or more of an observation) is - should you even post if you don't want that reaction? I understand that every person is entitled to respect and decency, but at the same time - don't they realize the reaction they will get by posting nude pics of themself on a porn board?

It depends on your idea of whether or not you're offering some artistic expression of yourself or yourself.

I write here. Doesn't mean I'm going to cyber everyone. It's nice to hear that someone appreciates what I write, but it's not nice to get a PM with the idea that if I write it or want it, I must be available.