Cheating

[CuriousRed]

If they don't know, it's cheating.
If there's rules and guidelines and things are "defined", it's not.

Gender doesn't matter. If you do something sexual outside of any boundries (b/f g/f, life partners, married) then it....is.....cheating.

If my wife tells me to have fun whenever I want and report back (male or female) or I tell her to it can't be cheating, it's allowed.

If you aren't allowed and do it, it's cheating.

Why should gender matter, you're still being sexual with another person.

 

[Louise Brown]

Two thoughts:

1) I became involved in my first same-sex relationship about five years ago, and we mutually decided it would be an open one. For a while it was fun, being able to go back and forth between guys and my S.O., but after a couple years I started feeling more and more jealous if she was with a man and I was home alone. The relationship ended when she found the man of her dreams and moved out. I was pretty devastated, yet at the same time, I couldn't really blame her as that's what she'd wanted and what we'd both decided. The "definition" part of a relationship becomes difficult when one person wants the definition to change.

2) Before I met my current b/f, I had involved myself with a Wiccan coven, all women, and we occasionally practice sex magick. Then I met my b/f and he's always been supportive of that part of my life. I do get to take care of my other needs, though every now and then I would often feel guilty about it, despite his support. The other thing is, we've been dating for over a year now, and I can't help but wonder if my time with women, as little as it is, plays even the smallest part in his not wanting to take our relationship to a deeper level. I know there are a lot of other things going on in his life and in his mind, but still, I drift once in a while wondering if I'm truly doing something wrong.

 

[Sue_in_TN]

Coincidentally

I just asked this same question in another Thread -- do straight women have affairs with lesbians because they don't *count*? Like it's ok to flirt with them or sleep with them or let them fall in love with you because its not *really* cheating?

 

[neonflux]

To Sue

Queer identified bi woman here - initially when I read your comment, I was a little concerned that you were suggesting that lesbians "didn't count." I just read your post on another thread and now I think I understand what's happening. Was your boss straight and ended your relationship without showing you any respect? If so, I think it must be as much a matter of this woman being a cruel person as it is with her being straight. On the other hand, if she is het identified, who knows what the reasons might have been (internalized homophobia, got caught by SO and didn't want to explain it, etc.). Whatever happened, it sounds painful and unfair and due not to who you are but to who she is.

My first relationship with a woman I fell in love with someone who was straight. I'd pretty much known I was bi since I was 12/13, and felt ok about it, but didn't find anyone I wanted to start a relationship with until my freshman year in college - fell head over heels, hook line and sinker, this woman became my life! I know she was also sleeping w/ men (actually OK by me as I've never been particularly jealous and while I wasn't acting on my own feelings while we were together, also find men attractive).

We were supposed to live together the following year, moving into a house that regularly cycled people from our campus. I shouldn't have been surprised when she called to tell me that she wasn't planning to move in with me after all, then ended up switching schools, no other explanation. I don't know what was happening with her - in the end it may not have had anything to do with me, but I was surprised and felt so hurt that I dropped out of school for a semester. Since then, I've shied away from straight women or women who are just coming out.

Have you read Jeanette Winterson's novel, "Written on the Body?" I'm reading it now - it's hauntingly beautiful (Winterson also wrote "Sexing the Cherry" and "Oranges Aren't the Only Fruit"). Main character is a woman who is continually having relationships with married women. (She also finds the love of her life, but that's another very sad story...)

I guess all this is to say, it wasn't you, we queer women do count, and she didn't deserve you...

~ Justine

I just asked this same question in another Thread -- do straight women have affairs with lesbians because they don't *count*? Like it's ok to flirt with them or sleep with them or let them fall in love with you because its not *really* cheating?

 

[CorsetLvr]

Although I am bi, I have spent a lot of my life living a pretty much lesbian lifestyle. I can identify with both sides in the bi/lesbian social dynamic. I can understand why many lesbians are hesitant to get involved with a bi, and espcially a married bi woman. No one likes to be dumped and being dumped by a lover for a man just tears at your heart strings. There is always that doubt whether a bi woman will leave you or not. You can have the best relationship in the world, but some bi women never feel fulfilled unless there is a cock in their life. Being the one that is left left out of this equation is never easy.

 

[LoneGuy69]

Is Going Bi Cheating?

I definitely felt that having a same sex relationship was not cheating. Unfortunately (or fortunately as things turned out) my first wife did not see it that way. I had had some same sex experiences as a teen and in college but had not done anything for years and not after I met her. Then, in my mid-forties and after over 20 years of marriage, the Internet opened up a new world. I ended up having about 7 encounters with men over about an 18 month period. One day, I was running late and had been chatting with guys on line. I did not cover my tracks too well and my wife discovered some very incriminating posts. We tried to keep our relationship going but it was very difficult. We broke up after 3 very difficult years. During that time I was strictly monogamous. Once I was finally separated, I started dating other women and did not have any encounters with men. After only 4 months I met the lady who would become my second wife. We got married as soon as my divorce was final - that took a while too and is a whole other story. My current wife knows about my past bi activity. She would regard any resumption as cheating. I do not have any overpowering need to resume an active bi life and I now understand that sex with anyone else is cheating. I am well into my 50s and monogamy suits me. So, my advice to others is, make sure that your significant other shares your attitude about whether or not same sex relationships are cheating. My therapist says that any sexual activity that you would not want your S.O. to see is cheating. He has a point. In any event, I am far happier with my current wife than I ever thought I could be, so the motivation to stray with either men or women is not there.

I wonder if any gay or lesbian couples would regard opposite sex relationships as cheating?

 

[Sue_in_TN]

To Justine

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. All love is a gamble, but it seems the odds would be a little more in my favor if I chose women who at least were sure they wanted to be with women. Of course, we don't usually get to choose, do we

Also, I appreciate the reading recommendation -- I'll pick up a copy of "Written on the Body."

 

[pixielust]

I would consider it cheating if the other partner didn't know about it. I am a bisexual woman in a committed relationship. If I wanted to explore that option, I would have to talk with my boyfriend and find out what he would think about it. I love women, it would be nice to have sex with a woman but I wouldn't want to lose my boyfriend either.

 

[neonflux]

What's to blame???

Isn't it interesting, though, how when a woman leaves us for a man, we blame it on her bi-ness (i am lesbian-identified bi, too), but when she leaves us for a woman, we have to look at the relationship?

Re: question of what feels more like cheating - because I am most likely to fall in love with women, and tend only to have SO-type relationships with women, I would feel less like cheating if I did it with a man because there would be less risk of serious emotional involvement. That said, I have never had sex with an outside person when the understanding was that the relationship was monogamous - know I would feel too guilty to enjoy it and the guilt would probably destroy both relationships.

Although I am bi, I have spent a lot of my life living a pretty much lesbian lifestyle. I can identify with both sides in the bi/lesbian social dynamic. I can understand why many lesbians are hesitant to get involved with a bi, and espcially a married bi woman. No one likes to be dumped and being dumped by a lover for a man just tears at your heart strings. There is always that doubt whether a bi woman will leave you or not. You can have the best relationship in the world, but some bi women never feel fulfilled unless there is a cock in their life. Being the one that is left left out of this equation is never easy.

 

[Sue_in_TN]

It works both ways

Isn't it interesting, though, how when a woman leaves us for a man, we blame it on her bi-ness (i am lesbian-identified bi, too), but when she leaves us for a woman, we have to look at the relationship?

When a woman leaves a lesbian for a man, she can take refuge in societal conventions (marriage, children, someone you can take home to meet mom and dad) as a way of not having to look at the relationship she is leaving.

 

[neonflux]

I would agree

Thank you for this insight - I never meant to discount heterosexual privilege...

BTW, I hope you enjoy "Written on the Body." Please let me know what you think...

When a woman leaves a lesbian for a man, she can take refuge in societal conventions (marriage, children, someone you can take home to meet mom and dad) as a way of not having to look at the relationship she is leaving.