cheating

[Munachi]

i know it is a bad thing and all that, but i guess that today for the first time in my life i kind of cheated on a guy... i feel weird and confused and the weird thing is it didn't just happen, i could follow it step by step conciously how it happened, i knew where it was going to lead to... ah well. guess i had to tell someone...

 

[EJFan]

i hope "letting it out" will help you to cope with the indiscretion (assuming that you see it as such).

i know you didn't really ask for any insight but i'm gonna say one small thing... move on and don't tell your SO about it. just deal with the guilt and get past it without involving your SO and his emotions.

 

[Munachi]

hmyes... i guess i won't tell him... the thing is i am not even sure he is my SO, really... i know him for maybe a month now, two weeks of which we are "seeing each other" - but both of us know that i leave the country in a few more weeks and that things won't continue after that... i guess i wouldn't have done it if i saw a future in the relationship... but yes, even as things are now, i still feel like it was cheating what i did...

 

[EJFan]

i can see how that would really throw the definition outta whack... but who needs definitions, right?

is it cheating if there's no SO to have cheated on?

at what point in a relationship is someone an SO?

exactly WHAT constitutes cheating and who gets to determine that?

there's so many variables... it's such a shame that we have to categorize everything like this.

i can tell you're a little torn about this, emotionally, in many different ways. i think that's really the worst part of it all... it's not so much that you feel bad, but that you're not really sure HOW to feel.

 

[Munachi]

hmja, that is part of why i feel quite confused. I have been telling myself before (and the other guy did indicate the same thing) that it won't really be cheating as there is no real relationship. But now I feel not wanting him to know makes it cheating anyway. The other guy (the one of today) just called now as well, just to confuse me more I guess... Ah well, no matter how things go, I am off to Bolivia in a week, and then when I come back I am here for two more weeks, then leaving again for three weeks, then here for five days, then leaving for good. Which in fact is kind of sad too.

 

[EJFan]

you're a regular globe-trotter.

i'm sorry for all the drama you're dealing with... just see the sites, do your thing and live life. your emotions will catch up with you soon enough.

 

[SweetErika]

I know my opinion doesn't count to your heart, and can see how if this is the first time you've been physical with two people at the same time you might feel it's cheating. However, it doesn't sound like you had an agreement of exclusivity, and given where the relationship was headed and how long you've been seeing eachother, maybe cheating isn't the most logical conclusion.

If he had done the same given the circumstances, would you consider it cheating or be really hurt? Or would you just kind of figure it wasn't a huge deal?

 

[Exciteher]

Munachi,
You seem like you feel sort of in the dumps...
You know, all the definitions really do not matter, and perhaps it is wiser to set aside having to define what happened, or judging yourself or anything until later.

You will feel as you feel, it is hard enough just to do that.. loading the feelings by imposing definitions upon why you think you feel as you do may make things needlessly confusing.

Perhaps what is important now is the actual feelings you have, tend to them lovingly. They are your teachers. Ask your feelings to give you their wisdom.
Perhaps you can sort them? Sounds like there are many?

I wonder...

Sounds like there is a feeling of disappointment? That you could see things unfolding but proceeded anyway?

Sounds like you are not sure how you feel about your "SO"?
On one hand he feels close to you... close enough that you would not want to hurt him. And you feel quilt about hiding your actions from him?
On the other hand it seems he feels far from you.. maybe too far to feel him as an "SO"?

Sounds like you are ambivalent about the new person too?
And perhaps there is a feeling that what has happened... is not equal to the confusion and weird feelings they have caused you?

These are just a few of my guess's, based on what you wrote and its tone.
Remember, in the face of confusion, doing nothing is always a very valid and active option.

Please be gentle with yourself.. resist labels, or labeling yourself and actions. Labels do not prevent unwanted action, they do not foster wanted action. Just be true to yourself and what you really feel. They are your guide. Their lessons may surprise you if you let them. Perhaps going to Bolivia will be a good break?

 

[Munachi]

well i wouldn't feel it is a big deal, because i didn't really want a relationship in the first place - i am right now really mainly wanting to travel, move to different countries, have fun, and the last thing i need is being "tied" to any place in any way... the thing is just he seems more serious about these things... from what he told me it sounds i am even the first person he had sex with without already knowing them for several months... do you think i should kind of test with some questions what he would feel if i also had sex with someone else, or rather just proceed as usual with him and hope that due to the short time i am here he is unlikely to find out and thus be hurt, anyway? the other thing is of course that i have to think what to do about the other guy as i said he called me while ago saying he wants to see me again...

 

[Munachi]

thanks for your reply exciteher... well i already feel a bit better, and i guess going to sleep soon and the trip to the countryside i have planned for tomorrow will help me sort my thoughts out a bit more...

 

[Exciteher]

well i wouldn't feel it is a big deal, because i didn't really want a relationship in the first place - i am right now really mainly wanting to travel, move to different countries, have fun, and the last thing i need is being "tied" to any place in any way... the thing is just he seems more serious about these things... from what he told me it sounds i am even the first person he had sex with without already knowing them for several months... do you think i should kind of test with some questions what he would feel if i also had sex with someone else, or rather just proceed as usual with him and hope that due to the short time i am here he is unlikely to find out and thus be hurt, anyway? the other thing is of course that i have to think what to do about the other guy as i said he called me while ago saying he wants to see me again...

Perhaps just tell him what you told us? That you do not want a "relationship" right now, that you want to travel and have fun, that you want to be free to see others...and see how he takes that. I see no reason for you to reveal what has happened already with the other guy,... as long as you tell him you want to befree to see other guys. Just be calm, caring and intentional if you tell him this.. come from your true self... not your fears of his reaction... people are strong. Do not engage in any drama if it arises... especially possession dramas.

 

[LadyJeanne]

well i wouldn't feel it is a big deal, because i didn't really want a relationship in the first place - i am right now really mainly wanting to travel, move to different countries, have fun, and the last thing i need is being "tied" to any place in any way... the thing is just he seems more serious about these things... from what he told me it sounds i am even the first person he had sex with without already knowing them for several months... do you think i should kind of test with some questions what he would feel if i also had sex with someone else, or rather just proceed as usual with him and hope that due to the short time i am here he is unlikely to find out and thus be hurt, anyway? the other thing is of course that i have to think what to do about the other guy as i said he called me while ago saying he wants to see me again...

Could it be the 'what if' syndrome that might be making you feel uneasy?

Sometimes we set a course of action, we decide to do something we really want to do, and we're happy with the decision, and don't want to change it...but then something happens that makes us wonder 'what if' and we regret a little bit that we won't really have a chance to see.

Though you might not not really be questioning your decision to travel and move, or what you did with whom, you are maybe feeling some pangs that you'll not have a chance to see what might happen with either of these guys?

 

[Munachi]

Could it be the 'what if' syndrome that might be making you feel uneasy?

Sometimes we set a course of action, we decide to do something we really want to do, and we're happy with the decision, and don't want to change it...but then something happens that makes us wonder 'what if' and we regret a little bit that we won't really have a chance to see.

Though you might not not really be questioning your decision to travel and move, or what you did with whom, you are maybe feeling some pangs that you'll not have a chance to see what might happen with either of these guys?

maybe... what i think more is that part of why i did something with the other guy was to show myself i can - like wanting to keep myself to like the guy i am with too much, maybe... then again, this might be over interpreting.