Cheating: Would you? Have you?

[Xenolan]

I read a statistic today that said that 80% of all married couples would eventually fall prey to some form of adultery. It didn't define what "adultery" meant, but in the context I saw it, one assumes it meant sexual contact with someone other than one's spouse, regardless of whether said spouse was opposed to it.

I don't agree with that definition. For instance, I would not consider consensual swinging to be truly adulterous behavior. Cheating, to my mind, means this:

Engaging in sexual contact with someone other than your spouse, when you know (or have reason to believe) that your spouse would disapprove. Usually, but not always, carried out secretively.

If your wife doesn't want you going to a strip club, and you do so anyway, it's adultery (not necessarily wrong, but adultery nonetheless). On the other hand, if you have an affair at the office that your wife knows about and approves of, it's not adultery. The Catholic Church would disagree with me on this, but it's not the first time we failed to see eye-to-eye.

So, given that definition (and if you disagree with it, feel free to say why), we have the poll attached. I'm curious to see how the numbers truly break down. I'll vote after I see a few other results, because otherwise everyone will know the first one is mine and it won't be anonymous.

 

[wicked woman]

I think you're confusing the legal definition of adultery with cheating (being without your SO's consent, in my opinion). Your example of swinging would be adultery but not cheating. The visit to the strip club need not be cheating or adultery.


I've never cheated on a SO. I would like to think this will always be the case...but I won't say the same for adultery. Then again I'm not married and doubt that I will ever remarry for it to be an issue. If anything I'm leaning more towards polyamory. Not cheating if with consent.


Now if you asked the other side of that question....................

 

[Mr. Mann]

Wow. Good question.

This could be an important thread. I hope folks make the effort to really consider this issue and take the time to post thier personal insight. It could be important for others to see sides of this issue that are often not recognized without going throgh a fair bit of pain.

I, too, prefer the term cheating instead of adultery and feel that deception is the key issue.

I'll also add that a physical affair isn't the only type of affair. It is very possible to have a purely emotional affair, which can be just as damaging. I might also venture to say that the emotional component of any affair is actually the most dangerous.

I've never cheated on my wife and do not ever intend on doing so. However, I have to recognize that I am just as human as anyone else in the world. Under just the right circumstances, I have to admit that I could choose to cheat.

Cheating is harmful to a realtionship and especially to families.

OTOH, so is neglecting one's spouse to such an extent that an otherwise basically good an honest person may find themselves with no other alternative to have their basic physical and emotional needs met.

Some people cheat because they are a-holes.

But as the 80% figure suggests (I've seen other stats that put physical cheating at around 40% for women and 60% for men.)..... these stats suggest that there are an awful lot of people doing it... not just the few people how are a-holes.

It doesn't surprise me. Actually, what surprises me are the numbers of regular people I know, both men and women, who seem to be living lives of quiet desperation in their marriage.

 

[bisexplicit]

What if you're decietful in a non-sexual way?

 

[ltnsfr007]

But our president Clinton said oral was not having sexual relations...

 

[vanelane]

I voted no, never, won't do it. That said, I agree with Mr. Mann; cheating to my way of thinking includes more than physical. I remember another thread along these lines a while ago. The best definition for me is cheating is doing anything behind your spouse's back. Emotional intimacy is very important and engaging in discourse you hide from your spouse can be just as damaging, maybe more, than intercourse.

 

[kiwichyck]

I voted no, never, won't do it. That said, I agree with Mr. Mann; cheating to my way of thinking includes more than physical. I remember another thread along these lines a while ago. The best definition for me is cheating is doing anything behind your spouse's back. Emotional intimacy is very important and engaging in discourse you hide from your spouse can be just as damaging, maybe more, than intercourse.

I agree.
I think that cheating is anything that you try to hide from your spouse. As soon as you are being dishonest, then IMO that is cheating.

I can see the difference between adultery and cheating, and I agree there is a difference. However, for us, I can bundle the both in the same basket. Because 'cheating with permission' is not something that either of us are willing to consider.

 

[Xenolan]

For the purposes of this poll, I'd rather keep the definition of "cheating" limited to performing sexual acts (again, not necessarily intercourse) with someone other than your spouse. For instance, if you've ever started a secret bank account that you use to play the ponies and don't tell your wife about it because you know she'd disapprove, that's certainly a bit dishonest, but not within the scope of this poll.

This is Literotica, and we're talking sex here.



(This was post number 69 for me. )

 

[Munachi]

can't answer the poll. because i wasn't married yet so since you in your definition speak of spouses... and - if it was for any type of SO i would have to click on the first option, but there is the addition missing of "did it but felt so bad i don't plan to ever do that again"... why i did it? well one thing, it is not quite sure how to classify it, because i am not sure if what i was in at this point was already a "relationship". in my point of view it wasn't (it was quite recent and at this point i had more of a purely sexual thing in mind, but realized soon after that i do feel more for him) but i suspected that in the point of the view of the guy we were "together" - so i guess it was cheating, in a way... anyway, i think i mainly did it to prove to myself that i can do what i want, if that makes sense. i thought it would help keeping myself from falling in love. didn't work.

 

[Mr. Mann]

Interesting.

As I write this... it is basically 50/50

7 have cheated
1 would if they could
8 say they have not/would not

It would be interesting to hear from anyone who may have been a "have not/would not" who later became a "have".

Not getting into a star bellied sneetch thing... but it would be interesting to hear about the situaiton; thought process; circumstances; etc. etc. that brought about the transition.

With cheating figures as high as they are believed to be... I'm convinced that the majority of people who have cheated are people who at one time would have believed that thay'd never do such a thing.

 

[TBKahuna123]

For the purposes of this poll, I'd rather keep the definition of "cheating" limited to performing sexual acts (again, not necessarily intercourse) with someone other than your spouse. For instance, if you've ever started a secret bank account that you use to play the ponies and don't tell your wife about it because you know she'd disapprove, that's certainly a bit dishonest, but not within the scope of this poll.

This is Literotica, and we're talking sex here.



(This was post number 69 for me. )

True, this is Literotica, but I don't believe you can seperate sex from the emotional relationship in a marriage. If you can do that, then having sex with someone else wouldn't hurt the relationship. It's not the act that damges and hurts the other person, it's the emotional betrayal and the deception. To that point, I think BI's question is very valid.

Here's a good example from a discussion my wife and I had recently. I got a PM from a gal here(probably a guy, but that's another story) who wanted to know if I was interested in Cybering. Well I'm not and said as much, but I told my wife because I thought it was hillarious that I had been approached like that. She was actually a littler perturbed and asked me if I had ever cybered with anyone else. Well the answer is no, becasue I wouldn't feel right about it, and she told me that she would consider that cheating. The woman who berated me for NOT getting a lap dance at my brother's bachelor party just told me that chatting on the net wouldn't be cool with her.

I thought about that for a minute and then I realized why I had never done it: I would also consider it cheating. It's not even about the physical act, it's about the emotional act, the deception and betrayal. That is what defined cheating, not the methodology. I guess that's why I don't think you can define cheating as a purely sexual thing, you have to look at the emotions too. In fact I think that is THE most important factor.

 

[Mr. Mann]

I, too, understand Xenolan's desire to keep the definition narrow for the purposes of the POLL. I hope I'm not jhijacking this too much.

However, for the purposes of DISCUSSION, I feel TBKahuna123 makes an excellent and important point.

Ferinstance:

If my wife were to happen to go to a nice day spa for a massage and facial and also find herself somewhat pleasantly surprised to receive a "happy ending" ... I wouldn't consider that cheating, nor would I consider it cheating if she maybe didn't bother tell me about her little "bonus".

However, if I found out that she was secretly meeting someone for lunch and having long intimate conversations...that there was some deep emotional connection that she was neglecting to tell me about even if they hadn't acted on it physically and did not intend to.... that would feel like a betrayal to me.

I guess part of it is keeping secrets, but part is also keeping things hidden and thus denying me the ability to try to meet her needs in an informed manner.

In the first instance, it was just a little "sumptin' sumptin'"... in the second instance, she would be keeping issues and feelings hiddeden from me and 1) not allowing me to fulfill my desire and duty to be what she wants and needs; and 2) in going somewhere else to secretly have those needs met, she places a third person in our relationship whom I don't know about.

I don't want or need my wife to tell me every little feeling and about every little crush or desire. I trust her and I want ther to have to roomto explore things on her own if she needs to. But I also trust her to make a decision that, if it becomes something I should now about, then she'll tell me out of respect and to allow me the opportunity to deal with any possible situation as best as I can.

 

[Norajane]

If my wife were to happen to go to a nice day spa for a massage and facial and also find herself somewhat pleasantly surprised to receive a "happy ending" ... I wouldn't consider that cheating, nor would I consider it cheating if she maybe didn't bother tell me about her little "bonus".

What are you talking about?

 

[vanelane]

What are you talking about?

I assumed he meant an orgasm during a massage.

 

[Norajane]

I assumed he meant an orgasm during a massage.

I've had many massages, but orgasm certainly wasn't on the list of services they offer at spas. Who is his wife going to????

 

[PaganGoddess]

It's be kinda hard for me to cheat on my spouse or SO as I don't have one at the moment. However, I have been ther other party in an adulterous affair. So, given that, I would probably find myself in an adulterous affair if I were to ever get married (which I pray I never do, as it would be unfair to my SO).

Any relationship I enter into, he knows right away that I am "polyamorous" and that it is hard for me to remain a one-man-woman.

 

[PaganGoddess]

CyberSex...

Is it adultery? Or just harmless fun?

 

[TBKahuna123]

Is it adultery? Or just harmless fun?

Depends on your partner's opinion. It's one of those areas that is really open to individual opinion, and thus something the individuals have to discuss. I think though that any hurt that comes from this is from deception, because there's no chance of physical harm or disease or anything like that. Still, if you are skulking off to have cybersex when the wife's asleep, that says something and begs the question why? I've seen this happen with a friend of mine and it was pretty nasty. He didn't really see the problem and didn't think he was cheating, but his wife did. What it turned out is they were able to determine why he was doing it, what the problem in their relationship was and to fix it, but they had two different views on what was going on. Happy ending, but almost catastrophe, and all because he tried ot hide it from her.

 

[Julian]

What's The Inner Truth?

Liked the answers. All very good.

But then again, why bullshit & rationalize anything? What do you define as right or wrong? That's where you get your answers, actions & results.

I know; been there - done that & I didn't leave a good taste in my mouth.

On either side... but I know that were the opprotunity to arise... yep.

Alone with the computer... log-in to chat.

Smile duplicitly - sure.


Adios!


Jules

 

[vanelane]

I've had many massages, but orgasm certainly wasn't on the list of services they offer at spas. Who is his wife going to????

Good question! I can't say I've ever seen it on the list, either, but I've certainly become quite aroused during a massage. I suppose if you knew your masseuse well it wouldn't take much to go on over.

 

[vanelane]

Liked the answers. All very good.

But then again, why bullshit & rationalize anything? What do you define as right or wrong? That's where you get your answers, actions & results.

I know; been there - done that & I didn't leave a good taste in my mouth.

On either side... but I know that were the opprotunity to arise... yep.

Alone with the computer... log-in to chat.

Smile duplicitly - sure.


Adios!


Jules

What are you trying to say?

 

[Xenolan]

...I don't believe you can seperate sex from the emotional relationship in a marriage. ...I don't think you can define cheating as a purely sexual thing, you have to look at the emotions too. In fact I think that is THE most important factor.

Granted. There are many things that can harm a marriage more than sexual betrayal, and I think that such topics are important to discuss if only so that we know what to avoid and recognize any slippery slopes ahead. I just wanted to keep this particular poll about sex only, because that's what I'm interested in seeing results on right now.

 

[Norajane]

Interesting.

As I write this... it is basically 50/50

7 have cheated
1 would if they could
8 say they have not/would not

It would be interesting to hear from anyone who may have been a "have not/would not" who later became a "have".

Not getting into a star bellied sneetch thing... but it would be interesting to hear about the situaiton; thought process; circumstances; etc. etc. that brought about the transition.

With cheating figures as high as they are believed to be... I'm convinced that the majority of people who have cheated are people who at one time would have believed that thay'd never do such a thing.

I was a have not/would not, and then did. I wasn't married, but was in a relationship that lasted 6 years, and we were living together with the intention of getting married.

We were young (20-26 for me; 22 - 28 for him). Frankly, I think we just were never really right for each other, but were so 'in love' for the first few years that it didn't occur to us that we weren't right for each other.

We moved in together right when all the pieces were in place...I had finished grad school and found a new job, he'd found a new job, we had been together for four years and were engaged. Pretty much as soon as we got our apartment, I started realizing that I wasn't happy, but with all the changes that were going on, I thought it was just an adjustment period. I think I knew somewhere inside that the relationship wasn't right, but it took another 18 months for me to admit it to myself and accept it. We did a lot of talking about what was going on, but were on different planets for the most part.

I started a physical relationship with someone else not too long after I moved in with my fiancee. There was no thought process, except that I was pretty much miserable every day at home, and he was a relief, a release, and made no demands on me - it was the one bright spot in the midst of all the gloom. He was also in a dying relationship, so I think we just sought temporary comfort in each other, especially as we had already been friends for a while. Our relationship had nothing to do with the break-ups of our primary relationships. Neither of us intended or wanted to end up together, nor did we think we should be together.

After I broke up with the fiancee and moved out, my friend and I picked up our friends with benefits arrangement after a few months. I needed to clear my head and just stay away from all guys for a while. Fast forward many years later, and my friend with benefits has become my SO, though we were 'just friends' with not benefits for many years in between.

My former fiancee never knew about the cheating, nor did I ever want him to. It would have hurt him deeply, and pointlessly.

 

[SlickTony]

I was once one of those who thought they never would, but that was a long time ago. I cheated on my first husband--to this day I feel he deserved it. He became abusive after we got married, mostly emotionally--by the time I met this other guy, I was emotionally at loose ends. I fell like a tall tree for someone who treated me like a real person and made me feel good about myself. Considering that all these events took place in a milieu where we could have gotten very seriously killed, I am amazed at the risk I took.

I've never cheated on my present husband of almost 27 years. For one thing, he doesn't deserve it. Besides, he's never cheated on me to my knowledge, and I would not do as I would not be done by. However, that's not to say that I don't occasionally look at other guys and even wonder how it would be to have sex with them--as a Greek former coworker once said, "You gave him your heart, you didn't give him your eyeballs." The shock of the new is something that's always drawn me and tempted me. But I don't think I'll act on it--I tend to sublimate my urges into my writing. That's one of the things it's for.

 

[cymbline]

Having never been married so I have not cheated on a spouse. But I have been in relationships before and never have I cheated on them. I concsider it very disrespectful for the SO.

A couple of people have mentioned Emotional affairs-our local paper did an article on this I need to dig that back out and read it again. It has some very interesting points of view, I just can’t remember what they were