Chastisement and Redemption

[YinandYang]

Slowly over the last few weeks L has started to move in with me bit by bit and talked about a permanant arrangement and commitment etc. He is a dominant character in real time and likes things to go his way and have major control over issues in the house. I have always been a flighty sort of person, quite disorganised and free willed to the point of being very laid back. In my marriage I was left to make all the desisions and run the house etc. I hated it. Now I am with someone who wants to take care of me, and basically have things run the way he wants to. L is someone who was my ideal in my head for a long time. Now that its happening, I can feel my defensive side rearing its ugly head. We talked last night about the changes he wanted to make around the house, organising things etc. I felt that he was critising the way I have run things on my own. I guess part of me clings onto the fact that I have always had to survive on my own and was brought up a Romany as a child and never known someone kind of taking over. I have mixed feelings, last night half of me felt a bit resentful and the other half slipped right into submissive mode. I silently listened to everything he said, and kept my defensive side close to me, although he was totally aware of my feelings because of my silence. When we went to bed last night, I craved redemption from him, because I felt also like I had gone against his wishes by having these private thoughts. He craved the chastisement of me. It worked out well.

I suppose my question is this, is it possible to enter into a 24/7 lifestyle gradually? I know each person is different, but I see us heading this way. I don't feel I know enough about the lifestyle, or my feelings to be able to make a conscious decision right now. I feel almost as if I have to let go of my old life and step into this new one. The only area he will not have 100% say is with the children (they are not his).

Today whilst he is at work my thoughts are going crazy in my head, almost worrying if the house looks nice, I have done my hair correctly. Although he has never commented on these things, and I don't think would mind if I opened the door to him looking like worzel gummadge, these thoughts are dominating my head. I keep thinking of that site that Rosco put a link to a while ago 'taken in hand', and it fits so well into what things I am feeling.

The couple I know on here who live 24/7 is Catalina and Fransisco.....so I guess my question goes to them initially. How did you instigate this lifestyle? Was it a conscious decision or did it happen over time? I would be very interested to hear Fransisco's point of view also, so maybe I can see a bit of what L is feeling. (Hope you don't mind)

I will eventually talk to L about this, but first I want to kind of sort it out in my head first.

Thanks in advance

 

[Little Bird]

I have about no experiances in this field but I think I have a general advice that could be helpfull here as well:

If you want it but are not sure it will work or you really like it, than try it for some time without making it permanent. If everything goes the way you like it, than you could think about making it permanent, but if it does not you don't have to rearrange everything again.

 

[catalina_francisco]

LOL, I am so with you in this. Despite the fairy tale fiction and the people who tell you they just switched overnight, I can only say good luck to them because it is an almost daily struggle for me even after almost 3 years 24/7 and the desire to be perfect in every way. So much of what you said reflected what I go through and what we continue to work with. I had 15-16 years raising 2 children alone (not even a father interested enough in his children to contact them), on top of being a fairly lone individual all my life previous to that time....so adjusting has been difficult and as you say, somethings raise defensive reactions where they are not always necessary. I guess for me much of that comes from a lifetime of living with a critical family who no matter what you did, it was wrong, and of course the fair share of people in society who believe they know how and what single parents should do when they admit they could not do it themselves....and doubtless a few more pieces of baggage picked up along the way.

The answer? Wish I had it. The best I can come up with is that acknowledging the issues and both being prepared to work with them for the best outcome for both is a big step in the right direction. We are human, we do have lives before these relationships, and no amount of saying it should be perfect if we were truly submissive does not cut it for me. Telling me that I am just supposed to obey is like waving a red flag to a bull because it seems to devalue and invalidate the reality of what I am struggling with daily to the best of my ability....and seems to make his dominance impotent in that it assumes he only has to say something (or not) and I fall to my knees in appropriate submissiveness As F reminds me often when I am beating myself up, submission is not an easy road to travel when you do it with an honest heart. It is what I need, it is what I want, and it does have it's good days and bad days, but the good far outshine the bad and neither of us would ever want to be anywhere else.

For us too, it was something we both were seeking but were unsure we would find. We were blessed to have found each other and we made the commitment from the beginning to be there for each other and get through the rough spots together. You sound like you have a similar opportunity and supportive male. We did go into it fairly full on though there was a notion that there would be a time when a more complete submission would develop...that came sooner than we expected because it was just something I felt was right. He did caution me at the time when I surprised him with my decision to offer my submission without any restrictions, limits, etc., but I was determined to commit to it and feel it was the right decision despite the difficulty in making it a reality in every way.

My commitment was not for him a sign he could then do anything and everything his kinkiness desired, more a sign I was willing to accept that surrender and trusted him to know what and when I was capable of fulfilling those needs for him without endangering either of us or our relationship. It is a step by step progress which retains his right to make these decisions and demands, but which he tempers with common sense and a desire to ensure I am kept in one piece by his side, and I have real emotions and challenges. ROFLMAO, we also do not go in for much of the popular promoted necessities like walking 2 steps behind him....he likes me where he can see and feel me. Those things are nice in the fantasy world, and may work for some, but for us they are symbols not necessarily proof submission is felt and practiced. To tell the truth, doing such things would be so easy for me compared to the real daily issues I face in submitting to the requirements of our D/s. So yes, in essence it is a progressive thing though the commitment has been there from the beginning....sort of a reality bites thing. You seem to be in a strong relationship with one who cares for and understands your struggles...and appreciates and guides you through them in a way which is supportive and real.

Catalina

Edited to add what you are feeling, the fear and the doubts, are fairly normal when you take a step like this. Difficult as it is just try and take it a day at a time, ride the waves, and trust in both your and his commitment and ability to reach your goals together.

 

[TaintedB]

I don't know if others grow into it gradually. The way it worked with us is he met me, decided to enslave me (obviously I was looking for this and interested in him) and told me this explicitly. He didn't want any questions or confusions about who held power left in my mind. That was a kind thing for him to do--it reassured me immensely--but he did it primarily because that's how he wanted things: no ambiguity at all. Becoming a better submissive or learning to serve him better, the process Catalina describes above, continued through the 16+ years I was enslaved, but during that entire period, there was never any question that I was his slave no matter how badly or well I behaved or felt.

 

[graceanne]

This is a cool thread. Me and K decided to go into this gradually cause of the kids. An abrupt change in things is not good for them. And I'm like you, in this.

I was raised in a very dysfunctional home. My mother is bi polar, and a recovering alcoholic/addict. My dad is also a recoveringer alcoholic/addict. I was the caretaker in our family. My sister is younger than me by 15 months, and by the time I was three I was nurturing her after nightmares, putting bandaids on her owies, etc. I literally have been raising children my whole life. When I was 16 my sister went to go live with our dad, and my mother had another child. I had almost no social life, because I was required to come home directly after school to help with my sister. We shared a room so I even would get up with her and give her a bottle in the middle of the night. Then I got married, and almost immediately got pregnant.

Giving the control to K is very very difficult for me. I've been in control my whole life. Quite often it's only by the skin of my teeth that I do it. It's a matter of, literally, biting my tongue and doing whatever.

On the other hand, I'm still in control of the house, so that helps. I'm a very highly organized person, and so K lets me do the house.

Good luck.

 

[h_i_s]

i can relate to mostly everything in both YinandYang's, and Catalina's posts.

Was it a conscious decision or did it happen over time?

The decision of the dynamics of our relationship was absolutely a conscious thing, as was my submission ... and the definition of that submission is constantly growing, and changing. It's definitely NOT always easy. It's been nearly a year, i still struggle with my own moments of stubborn rebellion. The hardest thing i deal with is that i don't wish to be stubborn or rebel, and prior to this relationship, i'd always done so ... was pretty much 'primed' to do so all of my life.

The hardest part of submitting, is submitting when i don't want to. It's definitely not a good trait for any submissive to carry, and i'm sure it beats simply acting like an empty shell devoid of emotion and just submitting all of the time simply for the sake of agreeing ... if He truely wanted that type of submission He could get another dog i suppose.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

We spent a year in a long distance relationship, and I was fortunate to be able to spend alot of time with him in visits, especially in the first 5 months or so. It was great to be able to get in that kind of headspace right out of the gate. Just before he moved down here, he came down for a long vacation. But those really aren't trials for a 24/7....they are just vacations.

You don't really know until you are actually sleeping in the same house, week in, week out, living in each other's space, attempting to do that D/s thang. It was really easy at first. It's sort of like kindergarten. LOL. You aren't really dealing with any issues of depth. Things tend to be all about the pain, and the humiliation, and the power. At least that was my personal experience.

As time goes on, though, it became more about control. And that's a harder nut to crack. Read up on reactance sometime. It's a bitch. That's what my major issue has been in recent months. I also find it difficult to be the alpha female at work and to drop that persona at 4:30 and give up my control as I walk throught the door. I work on these things on a daily basis.

Regardless, I never forget that my relationship comes before everything. If we can't connect on a basic human level, then we're screwed. I nurture THAT first and foremost. The rest is icing, and always will be.

~Anelize

 

[Marquis]

This is an excellent thread and I wish I had time to read all the responses and write a more complete one myself.

I will probably return to this thread when I'm back from Hawaii, but for now I want to say this.

I find labels like "24/7" very confusing sometimes. I feel like every relationship I've ever been in has been "24/7" because I am me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Maybe one day I will be a true Dominate Master (sic) and my subs will bow low, speak in olde english and use elaborate hand gestures when I tell them what I want them to do, but that isn't who I am yet and I'm not into faking moves.

 

[catalina_francisco]

This is an excellent thread and I wish I had time to read all the responses and write a more complete one myself.

I will probably return to this thread when I'm back from Hawaii, but for now I want to say this.

I find labels like "24/7" very confusing sometimes. I feel like every relationship I've ever been in has been "24/7" because I am me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Maybe one day I will be a true Dominate Master (sic) and my subs will bow low, speak in olde english and use elaborate hand gestures when I tell them what I want them to do, but that isn't who I am yet and I'm not into faking moves.

In reality all relationships where the people live together as opposed to the Saturday night special, are 24/7.....I have actually been noticing 24/7 being applied to a variety of situations of late...all meant to demonstrate that the situation is 24/7, not part-time (eg. fulltime carers for terminal spouse; parents) turn on and off at will occurance. In D/s terms it relates more to the dynamics of the relationship between 2 or more people where they are living in that space daily (usually physically though sometimes mentally only) and around the clock as opposed to bedroom submission, play parties/clubs or the occasional kink night/weekend etc., when something different is desired or the ability to be together allows it to be experienced fully.

With that dynamic usually comes a variety of issues related to being in role (for want of a better descriptor) day in day out and having to live according to the rules that have been set even when the people involved are not all in the same place at the same time. I have yet to find anyone who has tried it finding it carefree and easy....as Anelize says, at first it is like a honeymoon period somewhat, but then the harder realities begin to come into focus and the challenges and struggles to be a reality that need dealing with. I guess in part it is the build up of living the reality fulltime and not getting that time out where you revert to doing your own thing which brings those difficulties more into focus. LOL, as to the faking moves and fantasy like image of bowing low etc., I find that is more in the mind than a reality, usually seen more in public venues where an image is being created, and usually something most 24/7's find does not feature heavily, if at all ...probably because we keep our hands full trying to keep the basics flowing and real issues dealt with to go into fulfilling the stereotypes of fiction....so relax, you won't have to give up study/work to cope with it all!!

Catalina

 

[graceanne]

This is an excellent thread and I wish I had time to read all the responses and write a more complete one myself.

I will probably return to this thread when I'm back from Hawaii, but for now I want to say this.

I find labels like "24/7" very confusing sometimes. I feel like every relationship I've ever been in has been "24/7" because I am me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Maybe one day I will be a true Dominate Master (sic) and my subs will bow low, speak in olde english and use elaborate hand gestures when I tell them what I want them to do, but that isn't who I am yet and I'm not into faking moves.

LMAO

 

[YinandYang]

I find labels like "24/7" very confusing sometimes. I feel like every relationship I've ever been in has been "24/7" because I am me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Maybe one day I will be a true Dominate Master (sic) and my subs will bow low, speak in olde english and use elaborate hand gestures when I tell them what I want them to do, but that isn't who I am yet and I'm not into faking moves.

Marquis, what you say it totally at the core of my mind. I have spent every day at some point with L since we met, noticed his traits and kind of took them on board. Its only now he feels he has some swing in the way everything is run that he is being his true self. He is not acting, and neither do I want to act out a lifestyle that I know very little about. (Not sure how the olde english comes into it, but whatever floats your boat!) I suppose the bottom line is that I am having feelings and layers of me stripped away, and I am kind of shocked at whats being revealed. Slow but sure I reckon

 

[YinandYang]

LOL, I am so with you in this. Despite the fairy tale fiction and the people who tell you they just switched overnight, I can only say good luck to them because it is an almost daily struggle for me even after almost 3 years 24/7 and the desire to be perfect in every way. So much of what you said reflected what I go through and what we continue to work with. I had 15-16 years raising 2 children alone (not even a father interested enough in his children to contact them), on top of being a fairly lone individual all my life previous to that time....so adjusting has been difficult and as you say, somethings raise defensive reactions where they are not always necessary. I guess for me much of that comes from a lifetime of living with a critical family who no matter what you did, it was wrong, and of course the fair share of people in society who believe they know how and what single parents should do when they admit they could not do it themselves....and doubtless a few more pieces of baggage picked up along the way.

The answer? Wish I had it. The best I can come up with is that acknowledging the issues and both being prepared to work with them for the best outcome for both is a big step in the right direction. We are human, we do have lives before these relationships, and no amount of saying it should be perfect if we were truly submissive does not cut it for me. Telling me that I am just supposed to obey is like waving a red flag to a bull because it seems to devalue and invalidate the reality of what I am struggling with daily to the best of my ability....and seems to make his dominance impotent in that it assumes he only has to say something (or not) and I fall to my knees in appropriate submissiveness As F reminds me often when I am beating myself up, submission is not an easy road to travel when you do it with an honest heart. It is what I need, it is what I want, and it does have it's good days and bad days, but the good far outshine the bad and neither of us would ever want to be anywhere else.

For us too, it was something we both were seeking but were unsure we would find. We were blessed to have found each other and we made the commitment from the beginning to be there for each other and get through the rough spots together. You sound like you have a similar opportunity and supportive male. We did go into it fairly full on though there was a notion that there would be a time when a more complete submission would develop...that came sooner than we expected because it was just something I felt was right. He did caution me at the time when I surprised him with my decision to offer my submission without any restrictions, limits, etc., but I was determined to commit to it and feel it was the right decision despite the difficulty in making it a reality in every way.

My commitment was not for him a sign he could then do anything and everything his kinkiness desired, more a sign I was willing to accept that surrender and trusted him to know what and when I was capable of fulfilling those needs for him without endangering either of us or our relationship. It is a step by step progress which retains his right to make these decisions and demands, but which he tempers with common sense and a desire to ensure I am kept in one piece by his side, and I have real emotions and challenges. ROFLMAO, we also do not go in for much of the popular promoted necessities like walking 2 steps behind him....he likes me where he can see and feel me. Those things are nice in the fantasy world, and may work for some, but for us they are symbols not necessarily proof submission is felt and practiced. To tell the truth, doing such things would be so easy for me compared to the real daily issues I face in submitting to the requirements of our D/s. So yes, in essence it is a progressive thing though the commitment has been there from the beginning....sort of a reality bites thing. You seem to be in a strong relationship with one who cares for and understands your struggles...and appreciates and guides you through them in a way which is supportive and real.

Catalina

Edited to add what you are feeling, the fear and the doubts, are fairly normal when you take a step like this. Difficult as it is just try and take it a day at a time, ride the waves, and trust in both your and his commitment and ability to reach your goals together.

Catalina, Thanks for your honest and deep reply your words are so close to how I feel. I don't get most of the ritual stuff I have read about, the walking two steps behind, sitting at feet etc. I don't think L would be into displaying us as a couple that way to other people. Its more a case of turning back the clock 50 years and being the neat well groomed house wife type thing, but add to that chastisement and redemption and everything kind of fits into place.

Yesterday I took care of the house, ran a few errands for him and was in the bath and almost ready for when he got home from work. He walked in and I had a towel on my head, just finishing my make up. I could tell by his energy he was not pleased. He had had a bad day at work also.He brooded around the house for an hour or so. I always know when he wanted to play in the past, he would kiss me whilst holding my hair, then slap. That instantly puts me into sub mode. The rest of the evening he vented and I received. We talked at length after, and we both felt releived of some of the stress and tension we were feeling (and ultimately closer). I wanted to feel that from him so badly, in a way that I would do anything to have him feel happy and content. And in him allowing me to recieve his anger and stress it made me happy also.

I noticed how in the past if my husband came home angry (and normally drunk) I would shrink away from him and shut down all my feelings. I never felt a huge need in me to make him feel better, just resentment. But with L the sorting out of the negative energy this way seems to keeps things alive and honest.

I am happy with this at the moment, serving him through my actions as a 50's 'wife'. I suppose that is an individual 24/7 thing lol.

There are some things that I would have to keep as some part of freedom for me (and I don't think L would want to change these things about me anyway) and thats the eccentric side of me. The mediation, the pagan ritual side of me and my creativity.

Also the guilt at having to strive to be perfect in his eyes is not neccessarily a bad thing, I think that will keep me on my toes when I get lazy

 

[YinandYang]

We spent a year in a long distance relationship, and I was fortunate to be able to spend alot of time with him in visits, especially in the first 5 months or so. It was great to be able to get in that kind of headspace right out of the gate. Just before he moved down here, he came down for a long vacation. But those really aren't trials for a 24/7....they are just vacations.

You don't really know until you are actually sleeping in the same house, week in, week out, living in each other's space, attempting to do that D/s thang. It was really easy at first. It's sort of like kindergarten. LOL. You aren't really dealing with any issues of depth. Things tend to be all about the pain, and the humiliation, and the power. At least that was my personal experience.

As time goes on, though, it became more about control. And that's a harder nut to crack. Read up on reactance sometime. It's a bitch. That's what my major issue has been in recent months. I also find it difficult to be the alpha female at work and to drop that persona at 4:30 and give up my control as I walk throught the door. I work on these things on a daily basis.

Regardless, I never forget that my relationship comes before everything. If we can't connect on a basic human level, then we're screwed. I nurture THAT first and foremost. The rest is icing, and always will be.

~Anelize

Anelize, thankyou so much for your reply. I understand how the issues you have felt can emerge over time. L has spent many months staying here (even though he lives half a mile away lol), its not until we discussed the actual moving in properly that I guess he felt he could have a say in how things are run. I suppose that shocked me privately because I have never known anyone to actually want to take care or take an interest. My ex husband (as an example) once came down the stairs to me and asked me which hole he should put his belt buckle in! I remmebr looking at him and thinking Jesus...what am i doing here! So its all new to me, but feels very secure and safe if you know what I mean

 

[YinandYang]

i can relate to mostly everything in both YinandYang's, and Catalina's posts.


The decision of the dynamics of our relationship was absolutely a conscious thing, as was my submission ... and the definition of that submission is constantly growing, and changing. It's definitely NOT always easy. It's been nearly a year, i still struggle with my own moments of stubborn rebellion. The hardest thing i deal with is that i don't wish to be stubborn or rebel, and prior to this relationship, i'd always done so ... was pretty much 'primed' to do so all of my life.

The hardest part of submitting, is submitting when i don't want to. It's definitely not a good trait for any submissive to carry, and i'm sure it beats simply acting like an empty shell devoid of emotion and just submitting all of the time simply for the sake of agreeing ... if He truely wanted that type of submission He could get another dog i suppose.

sinnOcent, its funny but I am starting to realise the rebellious part of me is what keeps L ticking over and always striving for the ultimate, and for me also its setting goals that I thought I could never reach

 

[YinandYang]

I have about no experiances in this field but I think I have a general advice that could be helpfull here as well:

If you want it but are not sure it will work or you really like it, than try it for some time without making it permanent. If everything goes the way you like it, than you could think about making it permanent, but if it does not you don't have to rearrange everything again.

Thanks little bird,

Think the best thing to do is go with the flow, have no expectations...and not worry so much

 

[YinandYang]

I don't know if others grow into it gradually. The way it worked with us is he met me, decided to enslave me (obviously I was looking for this and interested in him) and told me this explicitly. He didn't want any questions or confusions about who held power left in my mind. That was a kind thing for him to do--it reassured me immensely--but he did it primarily because that's how he wanted things: no ambiguity at all. Becoming a better submissive or learning to serve him better, the process Catalina describes above, continued through the 16+ years I was enslaved, but during that entire period, there was never any question that I was his slave no matter how badly or well I behaved or felt.

TaintedB, thanks for your reply it makes me feel reassured. I also read in your reply that everyone is different and there is no right or wrong, that we should see bits of our personality being revealed as exciting, not down right scary! Thanks

 

[YinandYang]

This is a cool thread. Me and K decided to go into this gradually cause of the kids. An abrupt change in things is not good for them. And I'm like you, in this.

I was raised in a very dysfunctional home. My mother is bi polar, and a recovering alcoholic/addict. My dad is also a recoveringer alcoholic/addict. I was the caretaker in our family. My sister is younger than me by 15 months, and by the time I was three I was nurturing her after nightmares, putting bandaids on her owies, etc. I literally have been raising children my whole life. When I was 16 my sister went to go live with our dad, and my mother had another child. I had almost no social life, because I was required to come home directly after school to help with my sister. We shared a room so I even would get up with her and give her a bottle in the middle of the night. Then I got married, and almost immediately got pregnant.

Giving the control to K is very very difficult for me. I've been in control my whole life. Quite often it's only by the skin of my teeth that I do it. It's a matter of, literally, biting my tongue and doing whatever.

On the other hand, I'm still in control of the house, so that helps. I'm a very highly organized person, and so K lets me do the house.

Good luck.

Graceanne, Our lives sound pretty parallel in some aspects. As a Romany, particulary an older one I was expected to look after the other children who lived around us. I chose to marry a non Roma and things were tough having no support, and with him being an alcoholic. My life has been about survival from an early age. I guess this whole 24/7 issue has me seeing two sides of me brought out. I feel like its going to be christmas every day when I know L will take care of things (like bills, DIY, the car etc). But on the flip side its very new to me also. But there is releif there....and oddly enough suspicion, which I think is down to my self eesteem.

 

[catalina_francisco]

There are some things that I would have to keep as some part of freedom for me (and I don't think L would want to change these things about me anyway) and thats the eccentric side of me. The mediation, the pagan ritual side of me and my creativity.

I still enjoy my meditation, spiritual and creative parts and have in some ways freedom to do so...but he does remind me it is not so much freedom or an exemption from my duties as a slave but more so part of the me he was attracted to so generously allows me to maintain, even expects me to apply myself to more consciously, and in so doing makes me more valueable and pleasing to him as his property. To remove those parts of us which are what make us individual and uniquely ourselves always makes me think the person demanding it is trying to form the other in the image of their fantasy, not seeing and valuing them for who they are in reality....that then takes me to feeling the submissive could be anyone as long as they were a physical shell which could be formed and filled in to be whatever the Dominant had been fantasising over.

Catalina

 

[AngelicAssassin]

... The rest of the evening he vented and I received. We talked at length after, and we both felt releived of some of the stress and tension we were feeling (and ultimately closer). I wanted to feel that from him so badly, in a way that I would do anything to have him feel happy and content. And in him allowing me to recieve his anger and stress it made me happy also.

Pity i lost the location for the applauding hands emoti. Well done.

I never felt a huge need in me to make him feel better, just resentment. But with L the sorting out of the negative energy this way seems to keeps things alive and honest.

Gold Star two.

I suppose that is an individual 24/7 thing lol.

But one mutually found and respected. Gold Star three.

There are some things that I would have to keep as some part of freedom for me (and I don't think L would want to change these things about me anyway) ...

and not a doormat. Gold Star four. Before the eyebrows rise in other readers (for some of us) it ain't about total control. Although that desire occasionally sneaks into the back of the mind, i don't know many that can handle 24/7 freedom of themselves, much less another person. Sure the headiness of that control feels intoxicating, but like everything else in life, great responsibility comes as part and parcel, and i don't many Yoda class Jedi Dominants.

Also the guilt at having to strive to be perfect in his eyes is not neccessarily a bad thing, I think that will keep me on my toes when I get lazy

And Gold Star five. Perfection is boring. The journey trying to get there makes life worth living.

 

[Softouch911]

A great thread -- where we're heading. Part of this is a map. Thanks.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I do not really know if I can answer your questions, 24/7 is really just a catchphrase used to group together a group of people who live together. It does not say anything about what actually happens inside the relationship. This is why there is terminology such as TPE (total power exchange) and or D/s (Domination/ submission). I for one do not really care much about terminology, I use terms more as a means to identify to others what our relationship entails more than to model my own according to it.

I do not believe that a submissive or slave is born perfect but that there is a path to follow, a path that should be designed to let the submissiveness grow and mature to adulthood. A path to perfection? I do not believe that perfection will ever be attained but that does not stop me aiming for it. Although we are human we should always try to aim for divinity. The path to follow is at times as easy as a midsummer night breeze and at times it will feel as if you are Atlas, feeling the full weight of the world on your shoulders.

Most of what our relationship entails is not very different than most other couples, to me there is no difference between what we practice openly in our bedroom and what we can unfortunately have to downplay publicly. To me it is all about having a relationship that is based on the lifestyle and our own ideas. But in my opinion a healthy relationship can only be achieved if and when the persons involved can look beyond the lifestyle. There are times when the Master/Mistress has to forget that she/he is a Mistress/Master and the slaves have to remember that they are also human beings not just slaves.

We should never forget that people are first human beings and only secondly are Master/slave. There has to be integration between the power dynamic and the relationship, both are an essential part and both should not be forgotten. If the relationship goes bad the power dynamics simply will not work, and the same can be said from the reverse. Communication is the key for a successful relationship. In my relationship with Catalina we have had rough spots and all of those rough spots have been caused by bad communication and all of those have been solved by communication.

In the beginning the relationship is easy, the newness, the sense of fulfilment, and the romancing of the reality carry you over any hurdles you might encounter. Everything seems easy but as time progresses the resistance toward the control of the Dominant grows in strength. All the negotiating and revising first hand will not prepare you for the reality of day to day life. Giving up control is hard and it takes a lot of effort, all of our life our behaviour has been conditioned to follow a preset path, this conditioning takes time and effort to change.

But it is not only a struggle for the submissive, it is also a struggle for the Dominant. The Dominant has to take charge of their conditioned behaviour too. The parties involve have to have a realistic expectation of what is to come, openness towards each other and willingness to communicate openly if those conditions are met, then although not a walk in the park, it becomes very doable.

Francisco.

 

[YinandYang]

Pity i lost the location for the applauding hands emoti. Well done.Gold Star two.But one mutually found and respected. Gold Star three.and not a doormat. Gold Star four. Before the eyebrows rise in other readers (for some of us) it ain't about total control. Although that desire occasionally sneaks into the back of the mind, i don't know many that can handle 24/7 freedom of themselves, much less another person. Sure the headiness of that control feels intoxicating, but like everything else in life, great responsibility comes as part and parcel, and i don't many Yoda class Jedi Dominants. And Gold Star five. Perfection is boring. The journey trying to get there makes life worth living.

Thanks AA

 

[YinandYang]

I do not really know if I can answer your questions, 24/7 is really just a catchphrase used to group together a group of people who live together. It does not say anything about what actually happens inside the relationship. This is why there is terminology such as TPE (total power exchange) and or D/s (Domination/ submission). I for one do not really care much about terminology, I use terms more as a means to identify to others what our relationship entails more than to model my own according to it.

I do not believe that a submissive or slave is born perfect but that there is a path to follow, a path that should be designed to let the submissiveness grow and mature to adulthood. A path to perfection? I do not believe that perfection will ever be attained but that does not stop me aiming for it. Although we are human we should always try to aim for divinity. The path to follow is at times as easy as a midsummer night breeze and at times it will feel as if you are Atlas, feeling the full weight of the world on your shoulders.

Most of what our relationship entails is not very different than most other couples, to me there is no difference between what we practice openly in our bedroom and what we can unfortunately have to downplay publicly. To me it is all about having a relationship that is based on the lifestyle and our own ideas. But in my opinion a healthy relationship can only be achieved if and when the persons involved can look beyond the lifestyle. There are times when the Master/Mistress has to forget that she/he is a Mistress/Master and the slaves have to remember that they are also human beings not just slaves.

We should never forget that people are first human beings and only secondly are Master/slave. There has to be integration between the power dynamic and the relationship, both are an essential part and both should not be forgotten. If the relationship goes bad the power dynamics simply will not work, and the same can be said from the reverse. Communication is the key for a successful relationship. In my relationship with Catalina we have had rough spots and all of those rough spots have been caused by bad communication and all of those have been solved by communication.

In the beginning the relationship is easy, the newness, the sense of fulfilment, and the romancing of the reality carry you over any hurdles you might encounter. Everything seems easy but as time progresses the resistance toward the control of the Dominant grows in strength. All the negotiating and revising first hand will not prepare you for the reality of day to day life. Giving up control is hard and it takes a lot of effort, all of our life our behaviour has been conditioned to follow a preset path, this conditioning takes time and effort to change.

But it is not only a struggle for the submissive, it is also a struggle for the Dominant. The Dominant has to take charge of their conditioned behaviour too. The parties involve have to have a realistic expectation of what is to come, openness towards each other and willingness to communicate openly if those conditions are met, then although not a walk in the park, it becomes very doable.

Francisco.

Hello Francisco, many thanks for your reply. I understand the whole label thing, I am in the belief that labels stuck on people tend to imobolize any scope or movement, like being put in a box (pun absolutely not intended!). But I did have trouble putting across what I wanted to say without labelling it

The perfection thing, I agree, also with what AA said about perfection. Its a place that one never gets to, as the goal posts get moved, or we as humans set ourselves unrealistic goals. An ideal that seems ideal, could not appear to be so as time moves by. And I think that relates to all areas of life.

Because of the type of person I am, respect is first and foremost to me, almost as if L had to earn my respect before he could even begin to impose and rules or regualtions. The respect for me comes from everyday living, the way he interacts with my kids and me. The normal every day things that I see in his actions and whether his actions are justified. Also the communication aspect is very important to me. I pick up peoples energies very easily, for the most part this is a good thing, but sometimes I find it hard to see how a person is really feeling especially when I don't like what i see. He knows this aspect of me very well, and while sometimes it freaks him out, it can be a good thing because I see his intention behind his decisions.

Thanks for all your replies

 

[Marquis]

I knew this would be a great thread.

Thanks to YY for starting it and thanks to AA and Francisco for putting so perfectly what I couldn't.

 

[YinandYang]

Totally coincidental and maybe off topic (am I really hijacking my own thread !) but we watched the secretary last night.....interesting...touched alot of nerves too