Chastisement and Redemption

[graceanne]

Graceanne, Our lives sound pretty parallel in some aspects. As a Romany, particulary an older one I was expected to look after the other children who lived around us. I chose to marry a non Roma and things were tough having no support, and with him being an alcoholic. My life has been about survival from an early age. I guess this whole 24/7 issue has me seeing two sides of me brought out. I feel like its going to be christmas every day when I know L will take care of things (like bills, DIY, the car etc). But on the flip side its very new to me also. But there is releif there....and oddly enough suspicion, which I think is down to my self eesteem.

My old babysitter was Romany, and she also married a 'non roma', and she used to talk to me about it. I have a pretty good idea how hard it is.

As for the suspicion it's two things. It is low self esteem (no one can love me this much), but it's also past experiences talking to you. When things get good for me, I have to fight suspiciousness, cause in my experience things only get good before they're gonna get real bad. Now, in the last few years, that's proven wrong several times, but it's hard to beat years of conditioning, ya know?

 

[YinandYang]

My old babysitter was Romany, and she also married a 'non roma', and she used to talk to me about it. I have a pretty good idea how hard it is.

As for the suspicion it's two things. It is low self esteem (no one can love me this much), but it's also past experiences talking to you. When things get good for me, I have to fight suspiciousness, cause in my experience things only get good before they're gonna get real bad. Now, in the last few years, that's proven wrong several times, but it's hard to beat years of conditioning, ya know?

Yes I understand completely, I think one of the reasons this lifestyle appeals to me is because of the struggles I have had. Kind of like a retirement, if you know what I mean kind of like working for someone else instead of struggling for me.