channeling my inner morrison

[bigbritish]

well well well

security is there, after all
walled cities, invisibly lined
security protesters decide it's mind-control
or it's their choice

it's lonely either way, but for social good!
the Indian tapestries get caked with modernity
the fathers i'd spit on that traveled by sea
it all led to world war 2

and whoa, easy running horse
these gears are running wild
so instead of sparks, let's get them going longer
it's my social wheel

and when the wires are stretched thin
the poor get a chance at rich
so everyone is tired and not hearing each other
don't try and hang me man, i'm speaking my mind!

can we go home yet?
is our backyard war over?
the east profit from the west
but this wheel is shrinking

 

[Angeline]

Did you want feedback? You don't say if this is a lyric or a poem. Either way I'd lose as much of the words that don't show something (articles, pronouns, even verbs sometimes) as you can without removing the sense of lines or sentences. And I think you need punctuation if you want your reader to understand where the pauses and breaks should be.

There are some wonderful images and turns of phrase which means there's potential that, to me, hasn't been unearthed yet.

 

[twelveoone]

morrison
which?

 

[bigbritish]

i'm not riding in a van, and my first letter is younger than 13

feedback makes sense Angeline, but i'm unapologetic because what comes from the heart is always right

thanks deary

 

[Angeline]

i'm not riding in a van, and my first letter is younger than 13

feedback makes sense Angeline, but i'm unapologetic because what comes from the heart is always right

thanks deary

You're welcome. I agree with you about the heart, but if you have any plans for your writing beyond writing just for you, then the editing stuff makes sense.

 

[butters]

what comes from the heart might be honest and important and very very special to the author - that doesn't necessarily translate into being worded, crafted, and created in the best way to make a reader share the feelings.


if you've a lot to get out, then perhaps you are at the stage where it must spill or threaten to drown you ... as the flood settles to a slower, more gentle flow, then you can use the tools at hand to craft your banks and bed to best serve the scenery.

happy writings.

 

[bigbritish]

thanks, way true -- perhaps i'll try again some time soon, cause if it's there it's not going anywhere

and yes, i think i'd like to make a practice out of my art -- too long from my art and i feel soulless.

 

[Angeline]

thanks, way true -- perhaps i'll try again some time soon, cause if it's there it's not going anywhere

and yes, i think i'd like to make a practice out of my art -- too long from my art and i feel soulless.

Well you've come to the right place. Most people who post here have a real passion for their writing. Maybe get involved in some challenges or just post in some threads. This is a surprisingly artful corner of Lit.