Changes in Who You Are

[shy slave]

I am in the process of re-learning who I am

I thought I would share another side of me.

Goodness knows why, but now I am writing this I will continue.

Pre 2005 I had a temper. I am a perfectionist at work and when something wasn't right; everyone knew about it.
My temper used to be short lived, I got mad, fireworks flew and I got over it. All within twenty minutes. There was sometimes debris and broken people around afterwards but thankfully I never worked with people who held a grudge.
A young girl who worked for me once said about me 'She may be a bitch but you know where you stand with her.'

Since events in 2005 my temper has changed. I get mad but instead of flying of the handle like I used to, I get upset.
I hate that, it is not intentional. Believe me, there are things that make me crazy but somehow I end up crying instead of flaming.

Some of that could be an age thing. People do mellow with age.

Another part of me that has changed is keeping in touch with people. I used to be very good at making time to do that and quite organised about making calls etc, but again since 2005 I have been terrible. Whether it is calls or emails I always find reasons not to. It doesn't make me a good friend to have right now.

I now get emotional highs and lows in a way that is new to me. They are hard work, exhausting and tiresome.

August last year I had a sudden epiphany when I realised that when I wanted to cry I would find something about Andantes behaviour that upset me and then I would use it as an excuse to cry.
That behaviour could be directly related to the grief issues I have been coping with, but then again maybe it is other things added in as well.

Since August, crying is not a problem; but stopping is.

I do analyse things. It's a habit/trait I have.
Every time I hit a difficult point I search for a trigger. There does not seem to be a specific thing. It seems to be small things that creep up, yet at other times those same actions do not have the effect of negatively altering my mood.

In January I had one of these emotional storms. I want to rage and be angry but it just isn't accessible to me at the moment. All of those physical things like chopping wood, or hitting a cushion etc etc have no appeal because I cannot access the anger. I wish I could say it is buried as all good psychologists would tell me; but actually I don't feel it in a way I can recognise as anger.
After this storm had calmed Andante and I talked for several hours, it left us both looking like a train wreck. I resolved then and there not to put him through that again.

The past few days have been an emotional low. This was expected but the difference was instead of calling Andante and making him feel helpless because there is nothing he can do for me, I sent him a message saying I was dipping out of communication with him for a few days.
I later sent him an email explaining it a little better.
I deleted his numbers from my mobile and waited for the storm to pass.

I managed to go to work and be civilised to people. I managed to cook eat and converse with my youngest son, all in all it worked better than I had thought it would. All of that is better than last year when I was completely unable to function for a short period of time.

Due to work etc we have yet to find time to talk about whether it was better for him not to have a weeping, sobbing slave on the phone who called him every few minutes but had no idea why she had called.

It took longer to recover from, but by giving myself a direct order of not contacting Andante, I was able to gauge my recovery far better than before. It was a sort of 1-10 system, if I called him could I do so without breaking down, 1=I would be a wreck & 10=I would be perfectly ok to discuss anything with getting upset.

He would never have said 'Don't call me' instead he would have gone through this with me (as he has before) but unable to help me.
During the past 3-4 days I have given myself all the talks a good psych would say never to do.
I told myself to get a grip, pull myself together and generally channel my own self-will into coping. I know only I can help me, only I know whats in my own head.
It worked. I was surprised, but it did.

By now if you have read this far you may be thinking 'shy slave is depressed'
I don't know if I am. I have had depression before (over fours years ago now and thank God for Efexor!) and it resulted in a break down, but this is different.

I am stubborn, I don't want it to be about grief or depression; but I am a nurse so I know that these changes are probably a mix of both of those things.

Problem is it is only now I realise that I actually liked the old me.
I want her back.
I am sick and tired of unfamiliar reactions to life around me.
I annoy the hell out of myself at times.

During the past few days I have decided to return my old career, partly for money and partly for familiar ground.
Ironically, I am half wondering if, when I finally start to understand myself and my reactions all over again; will the original me re-surface and I end up discovering I wasn't as I remember. Not sure that makes sense, sorry.

After all the writing what I am interested in is whether other people have gone through a period of not recognising their own reactions to familiar issues.
I don't mean a 'one-off' moment but over a prolonged period of time due to life changes that you have had no control of.
If so, how has it been for you?
What coping mechanisms worked for you and what did you discover about yourself?

If you want to tell me to head for the GP and/or send me 300 links about depression or grief, feel free, but that isn't really what the point of my writing this was all about.

 

[FurryFury]

I went to a lot of different support groups, read a lot and tried to contain myself a lot.

I've never really been a flying off the handle type though. I'm still not like that. I don't think I'd be comfortable like that but I would say people pretty much always know how I feel about them because I'm very upfront and clear.

I used to be really good about decorating for the holidays, sending cards for birthdays and holidays and all that stuff. Now I'm not. I don't want to do it. I feel a bit guilty but I simply don't and I try to accept that.

I figure my "real" friends will accept me or they won't be my real friends.

I don't know that's much help or much like your situation but that's what I've got.

Fury

 

[shy slave]

Thanks for sharing Fury.

Have not been to any support groups, I admire you for doing that.

You are right about 'real friends' but when finding new people to talk to I do feel guilty for being the way I am

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I should qualify I am not looking to find solutions to my own changes, but I am interested in how other people have coped with their own internal change issues.

 

[FurryFury]

*hugs*

Fury

 

[graceanne]

First I want to say that you can't go through something as difficult as what you went through without expecting some changes. That's my brain talking.

My heart says that's easier said than understood. Before I began to get ill, I was a pretty patient person. I had never yelled at my daughter, although I was routinely bitchy with Kenny. (marriage problems we've worked out.) I was energetic and friendly, and relatively un-moody.

Now I struggle to go through one day without snapping at someone. My daughter told me 'You don't have a temper like daddy's unless you're sick or in pain . .. or both." All I can figure is that hard times don't always change you for the better - sometimes they change you for the worse. I wish I had these awesome, incredibly wise words for you - words to make your changes easier to accept, or easier to reverse if necessary, but I don't. I don't know how to reverse the changes, because I haven't figured out how to reverse them myself.

*hugs*

Also, I like the 'new shy' as much as the 'old shy'. Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

[Blushing Bottom]

One word shy...

Acceptance

I am at a point in my life where hormones once again rule nearly every thought and action. I thank God I have been taught how to accept that which I can not change. In part I use the same skill I use to accept what my Dom has to dish out for me...acceptance.

Best of luck with your inner search and believing you to be a good and wise woman I'm thinking you'll work it out.

d

 

[A Desert Rose]

I am in the process of re-learning who I am...

... After all the writing what I am interested in is whether other people have gone through a period of not recognising their own reactions to familiar issues.
I don't mean a 'one-off' moment but over a prolonged period of time due to life changes that you have had no control of.
If so, how has it been for you?
What coping mechanisms worked for you and what did you discover about yourself?

If you want to tell me to head for the GP and/or send me 300 links about depression or grief, feel free, but that isn't really what the point of my writing this was all about.

I cut everything out except for the questions you're asking because I'm not going to try to analyze the problems you've been through. I'm not really privy to your personal life. There are others here who are and maybe can do so.

I'm not going to provide you with a link. You know where to find the thread and it's been at times, too raw for me and at times, I wish it could be deleted or lost. But 98% of the time, I'm thankful for starting it. I'd otherwise never know that I'm not the only one with issues to deal with; physical, emotional and even mental. There are many people I'd have never had the pleasure to know or meet, otherwise. So I guess, looking at the big picture, that thread was not a mistake for me to start.

I cope with 'it' like you do. I turn off my phone and my computer. I never turn on my messengers and I rarely email anyone. My PM box is forever full... on purpose. (Not like anyone PMs me anyway... LOL. I really should just turn off my PMs...) I concentrate my coping with getting through the daily stuff; i.e. working without evidence that I'm sad or grieving, for one thing. It's better for me to care for others than it is for me to indulge in my own problems.

Some people will try and understand and stand by you. Some people won't. Some will be your friend, others will walk away.

I can only speak for myself but most people don't want to know or read about what I'm going through. Most people don't care because they have their own real-life issues to deal with. Most people have problems up close and in their faces, on a daily basis, and to most people, I'm nothing more than a screen-name on a porn board. (I know this because I've been told so.) When I have blue days, I just don't come here, or anywhere else on my computer for that matter, I don't answer my phone, etc. Those people who do care, know the ways to get in touch with me, if they want to.

But one thing I've realized over the last 11 months is that almost nothing is THAT important anymore. What is important is that I wake up every day, that I can still work effectively, that I can still function as a person, a mother, a daughter, sister, friend and a sub/lover. (On the other hand, my memory's for shit but I have ways of coping with that... lottsa post-a-notes. LOL) There are a few people in my life who count on me and need me.

I wake up every day and I wake up with a brain that still works and a heart that still loves and in every day, I have things and people to be thankful for. I try to start every day with those thoughts in my head, before any others.



I wake up every day and I'm still living. That's my reality.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I can relate, or at least I think I can. There seems to have been periods in my life when these things have happened with greater impact than others, times I look back on now and wonder what happened to the people who were in my life before the 'time shift' for want of a better term. It used to get me very upset, the lack of being able to keep up communication with people especially used to have me beating up on myself majorly. I am still going through similar moments, though at the moment many of them I think have to do with a combination of the huge changes I have made in my life coupled with menopause approaching..or here.

I have no magic answers but a few things I learned are:

* you can never go back to who you were because it was a different time, different circumstances, different people in your life, different age, different time in the world...similarities can be found but the past can not be recaptured totally.

* be kind to yourself no matter how much you feel you don't deserve it...as the years pass it becomes easier to accept perfection and living up to our own expectations cannot always be what we want, and as much as others might try to understand, many do not always understand because it is not them in that space, time and place with all the things that make you you and your situation uniquely yours.

* with each phase of our lives, no matter how difficult or pleasing, it has good value simply because it is part of who we are, it is our story, and it is what shapes us for the future. The answers may not always be clear, they may not always come to us in a way we understand or see or acknowledge, but somewhere I believe we gain a better understanding of who we are meant to be, if not more tolerant of who that is with all our shortcomings.

* and most important, we can improve ourselves, we can make things better, we can try and treat others better, but most of all we are human and as such are bound to stumble from time to time, rant and rave for no reason at all, but through it all we are who we are meant to be and accepting that makes life a little more pleasant at times and celebrates we all count in this crazy mixed up world we live in.

Catalina

 

[Jeanx2storm]

metamorphisis

catalina, wow = i agree. it is hard sometimes to see things that way, but if you can... look at it like it's all a part of your story, and there are always those parts you want to rip out, and just dive into it, all of it, even if it is tearing you to pieces, cry, scream, slam the doors, and keep your eyes open, because someday there will be some light there (even though you might not see it yet) and you will find it... and you can follow it out of this place your in... and begin again- maybe a new story

 

[Noor]

I learned at an early age that most of what seems to matter in life really doesn't. You can have money and be miserable, in survival mode and be happy. I almost lost 2 of my 3 brothers in a very short peroid of time back in the 80's, one almost to drugs and the other to a cancerous brain tumor. When the one who had the tumor came to live with me stuff got broken almost daily, fish tank got walked through, glasses dropped, ect... Before I would have been upset at the lost of my stuff, the disruption to my life, afterwards it was of an easy come easy go.

That being said I am a perfectionist if I can be, meaning if i have the time energy, ect... I also expect anyone who works for me to be as much as they can.

People change with the experiences of life, some change well, some don't, you just try to get through it. I am in pain 24hr/day, close to flat broke, have had a series of pretty bad loses the past year and medical stuff but I am reasonably happy. I am staying with a friend right now who has a good job, serious money coming in, reasonable health but he is miserable. He even has me as a friend ;-) I can see some of the reasons why, and so can he, but somehow he can't get past them, and all I can do is be supportive.

You can never go back, you can only go forward.

I stride for peace and try to act with loving kindness. I occasionally lose my temper but not as much as before. When I feel hurt I try to remind myself that most things that people do are not intentional or directed.

 

[Andraste]

i can think of people wgo are worse friends than you, for keeping in touch etc...heh.

you've been changing, it's true. swinging your personality around almost as much as someone else...heh.

i know what you mean about anger though.
eventually it goes past anger and into despair...and when you're just a crying snotty ball all you want is to feel strong and angry again.
but anger is only the illusion of strength...we know enough men to understand that one!

anyway, the solution here is simple.

there is no problem so bad that it can't be fixed with shoes & shiny things!

 

[Otherkorean]

[ I am interested in is whether other people have gone through a period of not recognizing their own reactions to familiar issues.
I don't mean a 'one-off' moment but over a prolonged period of time due to life changes that you have had no control of.
If so, how has it been for you?
What coping mechanisms worked for you and what did you discover about yourself?

I won't say I understand what you're going through / been through, because I don't. We are different people and our lives take us to different places. What I can do is sympathize. I can worry about you and wish you well. I can be astonished and proud that you have found a method of coping that works or at least cuts down the period of time you feel the least like yourself.

But that wasn't your question, so I'm moving on.

I tried to kill myself in January of this year. I graduated college in December and found out I couldn't get out of the lease in my apartment. I figured I could scrape a living together by cutting back on what I did or bought and getting a better job. My mother demanded / strongly suggested that I move in back home since the job that wouldn't cover rent and cost of living. I was leaving many friends behind and feeling the loss of those that had moved on ahead of me.
At home, I realized I didn't have the authority with my family I had before I left. Despite coming home several times a semester. My younger sister's didn't respect me, but still expected me to cover for them. Fix their little problems. My parents didn't take me seriously but expected me to mediate their fights and calm everyone down. I had a few friends that I could get in contact with, but they were untested for the most part. They were friends that I had tried to only show the best of myself and I worried that telling them that I felt upset would ... I don't know... make them leave or something.
Now, I always have been a cheerful person. And I won't deny that I've had a pretty easy life so far. So I didn't really have a coping mechanism set up for something like this. I tried. But I didn't recognize my triggers, I didn't even know that there was a problem until I got so upset that I didn't see a way out.
I had therapy for a while, but I don't have insurance and it didn't seem affective. So I stopped. I talked to a few of the friends that I avoided. I set up a system where if I felt upset enough to do something stupid I would call one of them. I would try to avoid my triggers, or at least tell the people most likely to cause them what's going on. I got a boyfriend. (That makes me sound like I'm in high school. "I have a boyfriend. Tee he!") I don't get to see him as much as I like because of our work schedules, but he knows what's going on in my life and helps calm me down. I try to do something constructive when I get upset instead of something self harming, dwelling on it or just running off. I lurk these discussion boards. I daydream. I try to focus on the positive. It's not perfect and I doesn't work all the time.

Ok. There.

BTW. If this seems too self serving. I can always delete it, right?

 

[intothewoods]

I tried to kill myself in January of this year. I graduated college in December and found out I couldn't get out of the lease in my apartment. I figured I could scrape a living together by cutting back on what I did or bought and getting a better job. My mother demanded / strongly suggested that I move in back home since the job that wouldn't cover rent and cost of living. I was leaving many friends behind and feeling the loss of those that had moved on ahead of me.
At home, I realized I didn't have the authority with my family I had before I left. Despite coming home several times a semester. My younger sister's didn't respect me, but still expected me to cover for them. Fix their little problems. My parents didn't take me seriously but expected me to mediate their fights and calm everyone down. I had a few friends that I could get in contact with, but they were untested for the most part. They were friends that I had tried to only show the best of myself and I worried that telling them that I felt upset would ... I don't know... make them leave or something.
Now, I always have been a cheerful person. And I won't deny that I've had a pretty easy life so far. So I didn't really have a coping mechanism set up for something like this. I tried. But I didn't recognize my triggers, I didn't even know that there was a problem until I got so upset that I didn't see a way out.
I had therapy for a while, but I don't have insurance and it didn't seem affective. So I stopped. I talked to a few of the friends that I avoided. I set up a system where if I felt upset enough to do something stupid I would call one of them. I would try to avoid my triggers, or at least tell the people most likely to cause them what's going on. I got a boyfriend. (That makes me sound like I'm in high school. "I have a boyfriend. Tee he!") I don't get to see him as much as I like because of our work schedules, but he knows what's going on in my life and helps calm me down. I try to do something constructive when I get upset instead of something self harming, dwelling on it or just running off. I lurk these discussion boards. I daydream. I try to focus on the positive. It's not perfect and I doesn't work all the time.

Ok. There.

BTW. If this seems too self serving. I can always delete it, right?

That was really brave of you.

 

[intothewoods]

After all the writing what I am interested in is whether other people have gone through a period of not recognising their own reactions to familiar issues.
I don't mean a 'one-off' moment but over a prolonged period of time due to life changes that you have had no control of.
If so, how has it been for you?
What coping mechanisms worked for you and what did you discover about yourself?

I suffered a loss over ten years ago that caused me to have very physical reactions to stress. Like fainting. Or having flu-like symptoms. In the beginning it drove me crazy. Like, my mind is trying to shut away the stress and move on but my body won't let me! Finally, I just accepted it. Basically, if I won't deal with whatever's going on, my mind and body will just force me to stop and slow down and deal with it. And so I do.

 

[Otherkorean]

That was really brave of you.

Thanks. I'd like to think that I answered what shyslave asked. I hope it helped her out some.

I dunno. I think I'll go back to lurking for a bit.

 

[Jeanx2storm]

physical symptoms

intothewoods is right- one way or another you will have to deal with the fear/anger/helplessness... hers even manifested in physical illness... and you don't want to knowingly go down that path, its much better to throw yourself into the storm headon and see where you end up, it might be a better place

 

[Shankara20]

Several huge live changing events have happened to me over the years. When I was younger I tried large amounts of scotch-whisky to deal with my anger and the pain of loss. That only made matters worse. For me, I ended up turning to a mediation practice to help deal with my feelings. In time just about everything about myself changed. The Shank you experience here did not exist 30 years ago. I was an uptight judgmental homo – in denial. Working through all that pain showed me who I really am. I wish I had not suffered the losses I did, but I am grateful for being a much more genuine human being now.

I don’t know if this is specific enough for you, shy. Please ask for more if you feel it might help – I will hide nothing about my process if asked.

 

[shy slave]

Thank you all so very much for your openess and honesty in this thread.

I am stunned at how much you have reached out and ried to answer my questions and address my thoughts.

For various reasons life has decided to kick Andante and I again and I am back in Denmark with him until after Easter.

I just wanted a few minutes to say I will come back and answer, ask questions, and think about all your replies.

Otherkoren, my pm box is always open, as are many other peoples here. You are not alone in this.

Dolf, (I cannot cope with Andraste ) I love you and I need lots of shiny things.

Love shy slave

 

[graceanne]

Ok. There.

*hugs* Feel better talking about it?

 

[Otherkorean]

*hugs* Feel better talking about it?

Thanks for the hug. *tentatively hugs back*

Sometimes. Its a kind of relief when I do, because I know that now there is another place where I don't have to pretend it didn't happen to be publicly acceptable. Its kind of unnerving to see it written, because ... well. because.

That and I don't want to take too much of the thread away from the original question. Who knows, maybe I'll get even more ideas from lit than I have so far.

 

[FluteMaster]

After all the writing what I am interested in is whether other people have gone through a period of not recognising their own reactions to familiar issues.
I don't mean a 'one-off' moment but over a prolonged period of time due to life changes that you have had no control of.
If so, how has it been for you?
What coping mechanisms worked for you and what did you discover about yourself?

Like someone else earlier, I am focusing on the question here rather than attempting to discuss your own circumstances (which you are handling pretty well already I guess )

Anyway, I'm not sure that I have had quite the situation of not recognising my own reactions -although at times they have been uncomfortable, painful or downright scary.

However, I have also been through several suicidal episodes and suffered a nervous breakdown that put me in hospital for several weeks. I have had counselling at various times and engaged in so much self analysis that I could probably qualify for a degree in it.

And yet, after all that, I have become clear over the past 12 months that my issues are all about accepting who I really am. Very briefly, because of home circumstances, I come from a repressed back ground with little or no explicit loving care and lots of anger from my dad. As a result, I learnt to focus my life on pleasing others.

However, although people like me when I care for them, that doesn't mean that I get beck what I give out, and in fact tend to be very bad at receiving anyway.

However, I also had a dark secret that I kept very hidden, even from myself, that actually I am a Dominant with some sadistic tendancies. Major conflict here - as that would involve me being selfish and demanding for me - counter to all my learned childhood scripts.

So, I am now focusing on accepting who I truely am, and limiting my responsibility to what I am truly responsible for - which isn't pleasing everyone who crosses my path. As I do that, I am finding life less stressful as I decide what is important, not what I think someone else finds important. Actually, pleasing everyone else is bloody hard work, especially if you aren't sure what they want.

I don't know if that helps - and obviously ShySlave and I are at opposite ends of the D/s spectrum. Anyway - it's helped me.

 

[FluteMaster]

That was really brave of you.

I would like to second ITW's comments - knowng how hard real honesty is - that was brilliant.

 

[Andraste]

Dolf, (I cannot cope with Andraste ) I love you and I need lots of shiny things.

i've just realised that i've never painted for you!

i must fix that soon

 

[Jeanx2storm]

flutemaster...

your response really made me think.

it is difficult to reconcile those things within us that we 'in daylight' might rather not see or be- like your dominant tendencies. I too am/have struggles with this. Certainly those things from our pasts like religion and family try to guide us/shape us... but ultimately we have the power and the choice to shape our destinies- and i find i am more than willing to steer the course.

 

[Exogenous]

One word shy...

Acceptance

I am at a point in my life where hormones once again rule nearly every thought and action. I thank God I have been taught how to accept that which I can not change. In part I use the same skill I use to accept what my Dom has to dish out for me...acceptance.

Best of luck with your inner search and believing you to be a good and wise woman I'm thinking you'll work it out.

d

I can empathize with you, Shy Slave. How we change, anger replaced with frustration and not being able to resolve any of it to our liking at times.

Acceptance is a conception and understanding that I learn about more and more, each day. Depression seeps in, trying to take hold, weekends spent trying to just get out of bed to accomplish even the most mundane things. Weekdays do not belong to me as I must fulfill the needs of family and my employer (so as to keep a roof over my head and my bills paid). Life moves on around me and for the most part I participate and enjoy it in a cheerful mode. But sometimes it is difficult to hush the inner incongruities.

There are two quotes that might seem cliché and seem so simple, maybe too good to be true, but which I remind myself and find encouraging:

"Things that matter most must never be at the mercy of things that matter least." Van Goethe

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

It really is about finding acceptance and learning to live with and deal with events in life that cause us to stumble at times. There is always a "work around" that can be positive. Even if it means withdrawing for a while to recharge our batteries. Good friends and loved ones will still be there patiently waiting.

I wish you well.