Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

[Keroin]

With apologies to my teenhood idol, Mr. Bowie.

I just sat down for a little online time before putting in a few hours of editing work, immediatley opened my four constant windows, (gmail, Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads) and it struck me how my life has changed in ways I had not anticipated. The changes are both external and internal, wound up tightly together.

Five years ago, I could not imagine myself constantly monitoring social media sites. Four years ago, right after checking email, I would open Lit to see what was up. Now, Lit often goes unopened for days at a time and when I do come here it’s usually just to read and see what my friends are up to.

Likewise, my BDSM tendencies have been compartmentalized to the extreme. Spare time is rare (by choice) and I’m finding that I am more and more fulfilled by other aspects of my life. My rich BDSM fantasy life is pretty much done, (sorry Chuck), though real life BDSM with L continues to be fab even if in small doses. Overall, however, I feel very non-sexy and non-sexual. The funny thing is, I’m happy. Like, really stupid happy.

But enough about me, let’s talk about me.

I’m just wondering if there’s anyone else out there who is surprised by changes in their life? Has your BDSM unexpectedly ramped up or slowed to a crawl? Are you happy with where you now find yourself? How did you get here? In short, what’s up with you?

 

[ecstaticsub]

Lots of changes for me. I can't go into details right now. I'm super stressed almost to the point of breaking. The one thing that is keeping me sane is I know there are people in my life who truly love me with the kind of love I feel for them.

Thanks for checking in, Keroin

 

[eastern sun]

Yes.

Happy for the changes in my personal life. Not so happy for the changes in my relationship.

But I am convinced that there will be still more changes to come. And I'm interested in finding out what they will be.

 

[Keroin]

Lots of changes for me. I can't go into details right now. I'm super stressed almost to the point of breaking. The one thing that is keeping me sane is I know there are people in my life who truly love me with the kind of love I feel for them.

Thanks for checking in, Keroin

Sorry to hear about the stress but delighted to see you, ES! I do agree that having people in your life who you know love you deeply is enormously helpful during times of crisis.

I hope things settle down for you soon.

Yes.

Happy for the changes in my personal life. Not so happy for the changes in my relationship.

But I am convinced that there will be still more changes to come. And I'm interested in finding out what they will be.

That's the thing, change is constant, (pun intended). I was actually thinking of you as I started this thread. Change can be tough on relationships - L is definitely not as happy as me, for different reasons than you're experiencing but related to my/our life changes.

I am excited for you regarding the personal stuff, though.

 

[BiBunny]

*Waves at K*

I've had more changes over the past couple of years than I could even begin to list. Some good, some bad, some neutral. I've been single for quite some time now and have intentionally not gone out of my way to meet anyone new. Therefore, my sex life is non-existent, but that's ok because in the past, it tended to get me in trouble, anyhow.

I'm writing for a living (for the most part) now. Sure, it's stupid sex ad stuff, but it sells--and I'm writing for a living. Never thought I'd be able to do that.

My life is lonely sometimes, but I think lonely beats crammed with drama any day.

 

[intothewoods]

Yep, I'm just way too busy to go to devote much time to the kink scene. Mister Man and I don't do elaborate hours long play sessions (not that we ever did all that many) but we still get it on. He's actually expressed an interest in various bottom activities (very Top from the bottom but that's cool) and I'm down but I need to get off my butt and order some stuff.

This quote jumped out at me:

Overall, however, I feel very non-sexy and non-sexual. The funny thing is, I’m happy. Like, really stupid happy.

I feel pretty non-sexy these days too. Or like I don't think about it. And I also really don't want to be perceived that way in public. When I went through my divorce I went through this phase of dressing sexy and being into my own sexual energy and now I feel like that would be sort of unseemly. But is it healthy to lock your sexy away? I mean, I'm throwing this back at you K - what does it mean to be happy and non-sexy? Shouldn't we make time to feel sexy? Isn't that important? This has been kinda bugging me lately.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

If I introduced who I am today with who I was 6 years ago, I would be really surprised if they could even be awkward wave at the grocery store acquaintances, let alone have any hope of becoming actual friends. I have pretty much rebooted my life, and am finally at a place where I don't feel so weighed down by the grief of what I left behind, and instead just feel nourished and rich on what I chose to keep. After a bit of a long winter in my life, it's finally spring and I couldn't be more excited, humble, wonderfilled, present, and grateful all at once.

As far as the newestish stuff... I am finally officially underway on the career path I have been working towards for years. I think I finally understand what real passion is as I fall even more in love with the classes every time I attend. I still have many pieces to put into place to get to where I need to be, but overall this place I have arrived at is just totally awesometacular.

 

[Keroin]

*Waves at K*

I've had more changes over the past couple of years than I could even begin to list. Some good, some bad, some neutral. I've been single for quite some time now and have intentionally not gone out of my way to meet anyone new. Therefore, my sex life is non-existent, but that's ok because in the past, it tended to get me in trouble, anyhow.

I'm writing for a living (for the most part) now. Sure, it's stupid sex ad stuff, but it sells--and I'm writing for a living. Never thought I'd be able to do that.

My life is lonely sometimes, but I think lonely beats crammed with drama any day.

*waves back*

I think sometimes things have to happen in a certain order. I think if I had tried to do the BDSM thing when I was younger, I would have ended up in a colossal, overly dramatic mess. Cod knows I made enough messes without that extra ingredient thrown in.

Bunny, I get the sense that as you build your business and develop your talent as a writer, your confidence and self-love are also going to grow. I think there will come a time, not too far in the future, when you are ready for a relationship again, and this time there won't be the drama because you'll have a much better sense of who you are and where you need to draw your lines.

You're an amazing woman and I look forward to seeing how your life unfolds.

I feel pretty non-sexy these days too. Or like I don't think about it. And I also really don't want to be perceived that way in public. When I went through my divorce I went through this phase of dressing sexy and being into my own sexual energy and now I feel like that would be sort of unseemly. But is it healthy to lock your sexy away? I mean, I'm throwing this back at you K - what does it mean to be happy and non-sexy? Shouldn't we make time to feel sexy? Isn't that important? This has been kinda bugging me lately.

It has bothered me, too. I won't lie. I'm not an overly introspective person but I have caught myself recently wondering about the change. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to be perceived as sexy in public - quite the opposite of how I felt four or five years ago. I'm not sure where it comes from but I think, partly, it's because I'm so proud of the work I've been doing that I want the work, not my body, to be what people notice. I've had my sexy moment in the sun. Been there, done that.

However, I still want to be sexy for L. And I still want to feel sexy when it's time to feel sexy - does that make sense?

As for feeling happy without feeling sexy, that one's interesting. Being female, even one that has not often adhered to the gender stereotypes, I've felt the societal expectation of how important my appearance is all my life. And yet, I'm discovering that it's kind of a load of bullshit. I intend to remain fit, healthy and well groomed, but the joy of my work and the sense of achievement it gives me far exceeds anything I felt when I was in peak physical condition and in a state of frequent arousal. In fact, it annoys me now to think that I bought into the sexy=happy myth on any level. It was fun, yes, but not fulfilling.

And it could be that I'm just short on spare time, and so I'm prioritizing, and two years form now I might be running around like a dog in heat. I'm trying not to over-analyze it and just enjoy the ride.

What about you? What do you think?

 

[midwestyankee]

I feel as if I've been going through the motions of rebooting for the last couple of years but somehow I never actually hit the switch, or maybe the processor hung up and never finished the whole shut down and start back up thing. Now it's time to make it happen.

One of my favorite recent reads isThe Dude and The Zen Master by Jeff Bridges and Bernie Glassman. Yes, that Jeff Bridges. In one of the last chapters, Jeff quotes the Buddhist Five Remembrances. They are:

• I am of the nature to grow old. there is no way to escape growing old.
• I am of the nature to have ill health. there is no way to escape ill health.
• I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.
• All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.
• My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

I'm especially taken with the last one. The consequences of your actions are your history, your legacy. But as all things change and all things die, why not act as if that death was already a certainty (which it is anyway, right?) Why not act so that your consequences leave behind what you want to leave behind instead of whatever is causing hurt and fear and disappointment now?

And if none of this makes sense, I'm due for another scotch soon.

 

[CutieMouse]

I am currently.... adapting.

Still working through a ton of stuff, still working two jobs (which isn't really working), still only seeing the short humans once a month (but doing everything possible to make the most of it), still dealing with an ex who turns into an abusive bully every time I try to deal with him.

In some ways I've made huge changes (accepted the need for meds, signed the papers [under duress], bought the house, refinanced the car, picked up the second job...), but I'm still dealing with more anxiety and less sleep than is good for me.

One of The Men™ keeps gently reminding me things won't last much longer; the Other™ continues to be simple and complicated all at once. The medication I'm on has killed off my sex drive (to an extent; at least solo); physiologically I recognize that it's not helping. (The little/no sex drive thing.) Except that I can't afford [emotionally] to go off meds.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee adulthood!

I suspect this year may be one of those huge ginormous change years, for me. I still love my work but no longer enjoy it, if that makes sense. I spend a lot of time in my kitchen and dreaming about developing a permaculture garden in the back. There's this weird core-level drive to feel perfectly okay being utterly alone and self-sufficient lately. [Pipe] Dreams of minimizing everything to the point that I can just get by, all by myself, doing what I enjoy - whatever that means. I'm not 100% sure I know, anymore.

Well. That was all down-ish and morbid.

On the brighter side, I put up a peg board to store my kitchen stuff a la Julia Child this week, and finally replaced the single ugly wire shelf in the laundry room with 3 real wood shelves. One more piece of artwork and better flooring, and my kitchen will be my official happiest place on earth. I'm already spending most of my free time there, ugly floors and all. I canned pecans and made banana bread, chocolate banana bread, and double peanut butter cookies this week.

 

[intothewoods]

It has bothered me, too. I won't lie. I'm not an overly introspective person but I have caught myself recently wondering about the change. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to be perceived as sexy in public - quite the opposite of how I felt four or five years ago. I'm not sure where it comes from but I think, partly, it's because I'm so proud of the work I've been doing that I want the work, not my body, to be what people notice. I've had my sexy moment in the sun. Been there, done that.

However, I still want to be sexy for L. And I still want to feel sexy when it's time to feel sexy - does that make sense?

As for feeling happy without feeling sexy, that one's interesting. Being female, even one that has not often adhered to the gender stereotypes, I've felt the societal expectation of how important my appearance is all my life. And yet, I'm discovering that it's kind of a load of bullshit. I intend to remain fit, healthy and well groomed, but the joy of my work and the sense of achievement it gives me far exceeds anything I felt when I was in peak physical condition and in a state of frequent arousal. In fact, it annoys me now to think that I bought into the sexy=happy myth on any level. It was fun, yes, but not fulfilling.

And it could be that I'm just short on spare time, and so I'm prioritizing, and two years form now I might be running around like a dog in heat. I'm trying not to over-analyze it and just enjoy the ride.

What about you? What do you think?

I'm slightly concerned by how much I compartmentalize things. I feel like sexy fun time exists when I am in this certain time and place and that is IT. When I'm working or parenting or in social situations, that part of me is locked away. That doesn't seem healthy, but I don't know how to be balanced about it.

I feel as if I've been going through the motions of rebooting for the last couple of years but somehow I never actually hit the switch, or maybe the processor hung up and never finished the whole shut down and start back up thing. Now it's time to make it happen.

One of my favorite recent reads isThe Dude and The Zen Master by Jeff Bridges and Bernie Glassman. Yes, that Jeff Bridges. In one of the last chapters, Jeff quotes the Buddhist Five Remembrances. They are:

• I am of the nature to grow old. there is no way to escape growing old.
• I am of the nature to have ill health. there is no way to escape ill health.
• I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.
• All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.
• My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

I'm especially taken with the last one. The consequences of your actions are your history, your legacy. But as all things change and all things die, why not act as if that death was already a certainty (which it is anyway, right?) Why not act so that your consequences leave behind what you want to leave behind instead of whatever is causing hurt and fear and disappointment now?

And if none of this makes sense, I'm due for another scotch soon.

Every action has consequences that you leave behind - yes - but what does that really mean on a daily basis. Every moment can't be of monumental importance. You need to do the things that matter to you in the big picture, and you also need time to chill out and regroup. That's where I struggle. I feel like I have to get stuff done in my life RIGHT NOW and I can't relax and just "unplug" - and I don't just mean from Facebook. I mean, from my brain that is plotting and calculating and dreaming and pushing myself. I realize that's problematic.

I am currently.... adapting.

Still working through a ton of stuff, still working two jobs (which isn't really working), still only seeing the short humans once a month (but doing everything possible to make the most of it), still dealing with an ex who turns into an abusive bully every time I try to deal with him.

In some ways I've made huge changes (accepted the need for meds, signed the papers [under duress], bought the house, refinanced the car, picked up the second job...), but I'm still dealing with more anxiety and less sleep than is good for me.

One of The Men™ keeps gently reminding me things won't last much longer; the Other™ continues to be simple and complicated all at once. The medication I'm on has killed off my sex drive (to an extent; at least solo); physiologically I recognize that it's not helping. (The little/no sex drive thing.) Except that I can't afford [emotionally] to go off meds.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee adulthood!

I suspect this year may be one of those huge ginormous change years, for me. I still love my work but no longer enjoy it, if that makes sense. I spend a lot of time in my kitchen and dreaming about developing a permaculture garden in the back. There's this weird core-level drive to feel perfectly okay being utterly alone and self-sufficient lately. [Pipe] Dreams of minimizing everything to the point that I can just get by, all by myself, doing what I enjoy - whatever that means. I'm not 100% sure I know, anymore.

Well. That was all down-ish and morbid.

On the brighter side, I put up a peg board to store my kitchen stuff a la Julia Child this week, and finally replaced the single ugly wire shelf in the laundry room with 3 real wood shelves. One more piece of artwork and better flooring, and my kitchen will be my official happiest place on earth. I'm already spending most of my free time there, ugly floors and all. I canned pecans and made banana bread, chocolate banana bread, and double peanut butter cookies this week.

Cutie, I always feel like you have no one to rely on and that sucks. Do you have any kind of support system? If not, perhaps that should be a goal for this year. Easier said than done, I know, but maybe you need to meet some new people in some totally different space. Where do vintage collectors meet up? A book club? I know you're swamped but I feel like if you had a support system it would be very beneficial in the long term.

 

[blushingtemptation]

"I suspect this year may be one of those huge ginormous change years, for me. I still love my work but no longer enjoy it, if that makes sense. I spend a lot of time in my kitchen and dreaming about developing a permaculture garden in the back. There's this weird core-level drive to feel perfectly okay being utterly alone and self-sufficient lately. [Pipe] Dreams of minimizing everything to the point that I can just get by, all by myself, doing what I enjoy - whatever that means. I'm not 100% sure I know, anymore."


I Could have written that.
Even in a crowd of people one can feel absolutely alone. I have family around constantly and yet know exactly how you feel. I too am waiting for a big change that for me seems to never happen...

 

[CutieMouse]

Cutie, I always feel like you have no one to rely on and that sucks. Do you have any kind of support system? If not, perhaps that should be a goal for this year. Easier said than done, I know, but maybe you need to meet some new people in some totally different space. Where do vintage collectors meet up? A book club? I know you're swamped but I feel like if you had a support system it would be very beneficial in the long term.

I do. You know those "are you an introvert or an extrovert?" quizzes? Introvert in all caps, and italicizes. Which means a small circle (like maybe 4-6?) of people I trust enough to lean on. Most being introverts, themselves, they know when/how to make sure I'm not hibernating too deeply.

But often everyone is either as busy as me, or schedules conflict, or life gets in the way. And then I have days like this week where no one is free when I am, and/or I'm not free when they are, and I end up flopped in the middle of the back yard (having just cut down a small tree, solo), feeling lonely as hell. lol

Most often when I've reached out to increase my circle, it hasn't been exactly... Successful. I don't fit in very well.

 

[intothewoods]

I do. You know those "are you an introvert or an extrovert?" quizzes? Introvert in all caps, and italicizes. Which means a small circle (like maybe 4-6?) of people I trust enough to lean on. Most being introverts, themselves, they know when/how to make sure I'm not hibernating too deeply.

But often everyone is either as busy as me, or schedules conflict, or life gets in the way. And then I have days like this week where no one is free when I am, and/or I'm not free when they are, and I end up flopped in the middle of the back yard (having just cut down a small tree, solo), feeling lonely as hell. lol

Most often when I've reached out to increase my circle, it hasn't been exactly... Successful. I don't fit in very well.

I can relate. And I've had issues in the past as well but I'm kind of making it a priority this year to keep trying. Glad to hear you do have a circle though. I think that makes a huge difference.

 

[rida]

Where I was (when I joined Lit):
- Just fully opened up my relationship with Hubby
- Feeling sexy/adventurous, feeling good about my body and taking good care of it
- Discovering/exploring BDSM and my submissive side and, shortly after, met the Sadist
-Hubby was busy and successful with his job and had finally got the diagnose of bipolar type II for his struggles and looking for/accepting help
- Work was stable and pretty much running along smoothly

Where I am now:
- No interest in sex, gaining weight, no interest in keeping up, fighting off an unhealthy desire of letting go completely
- the Sadist has left the country, but contact had been disrupted a couple years prior by no fault of either (life curve balls and all that)
- Hubby 's work is struggling and he is lost in his own mind/bipolar (and often drunk)
- Work has become the boss of me (literally) and feeling very precarious

The saving grace of it all:
My wonderfully sweet and talented kids (I hope I'm not ruining them too much)
My generous and dedicated co-workers
My handful of kind and supportive on-line friends that I made through Lit and rl friend I made through the kinky world
And all the generous and warm-hearted souls that populate the Lit boards.

 

[Keroin]

As far as the newestish stuff... I am finally officially underway on the career path I have been working towards for years. I think I finally understand what real passion is as I fall even more in love with the classes every time I attend. I still have many pieces to put into place to get to where I need to be, but overall this place I have arrived at is just totally awesometacular.

So happy to read this, CC. The feeling of finding something you are passionate about, and pursuing that passion, is indescribable. All good things to you, my friend!

I feel as if I've been going through the motions of rebooting for the last couple of years but somehow I never actually hit the switch, or maybe the processor hung up and never finished the whole shut down and start back up thing. Now it's time to make it happen.

That happens sometimes. Just keeping trying to move forward, it will come.

[QUOTE}One of my favorite recent reads isThe Dude and The Zen Master by Jeff Bridges and Bernie Glassman. Yes, that Jeff Bridges. [/QUOTE]

Ha! I saw him on The Daily Show, he was hilarious!

• I am of the nature to grow old. there is no way to escape growing old.
• I am of the nature to have ill health. there is no way to escape ill health.
• I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.
• All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.
• My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

I'm especially taken with the last one. The consequences of your actions are your history, your legacy. But as all things change and all things die, why not act as if that death was already a certainty (which it is anyway, right?) Why not act so that your consequences leave behind what you want to leave behind instead of whatever is causing hurt and fear and disappointment now?[/QUOTE]

Sure, make me think first thing in the morning!

L has seven letters pasted over his desk MPDNEMF. It means: "My past does not equal my future". It's his reminder that no matter what has gone before, you can move forward in a new direction. You're not chained to who you were or the mistakes you made. I don't know why, but the above made me think of that.

I am currently.... adapting.

CM, I don't think there is a regular on this board who doesn't wish your life wasn't so challenging these days, myself included. I'm not sure what else to say except that I know someday things will get better for you and I will keep my fingers crossed until they do.

On the brighter side, I put up a peg board to store my kitchen stuff a la Julia Child this week, and finally replaced the single ugly wire shelf in the laundry room with 3 real wood shelves. One more piece of artwork and better flooring, and my kitchen will be my official happiest place on earth. I'm already spending most of my free time there, ugly floors and all. I canned pecans and made banana bread, chocolate banana bread, and double peanut butter cookies this week.

This made me smile.

Even in a crowd of people one can feel absolutely alone. I have family around constantly and yet know exactly how you feel. I too am waiting for a big change that for me seems to never happen...

I think we all feel alone at points in our lives - some more than others. I'm curious, though, are you waiting for change or are you actively seeking to make a change?

Where I was (when I joined Lit):
- Just fully opened up my relationship with Hubby
- Feeling sexy/adventurous, feeling good about my body and taking good care of it
- Discovering/exploring BDSM and my submissive side and, shortly after, met the Sadist
-Hubby was busy and successful with his job and had finally got the diagnose of bipolar type II for his struggles and looking for/accepting help
- Work was stable and pretty much running along smoothly

Where I am now:
- No interest in sex, gaining weight, no interest in keeping up, fighting off an unhealthy desire of letting go completely
- the Sadist has left the country, but contact had been disrupted a couple years prior by no fault of either (life curve balls and all that)
- Hubby 's work is struggling and he is lost in his own mind/bipolar (and often drunk)
- Work has become the boss of me (literally) and feeling very precarious

The saving grace of it all:
My wonderfully sweet and talented kids (I hope I'm not ruining them too much)
My generous and dedicated co-workers
My handful of kind and supportive on-line friends that I made through Lit and rl friend I made through the kinky world
And all the generous and warm-hearted souls that populate the Lit boards.

Rita I miss your bubbly self. Is there anyone you can talk with, a therapist of some sort, who can help you through this, as well?


Now I have to head back into the editing cave. Big re-writes ahead, so I have to go back into "ignore the world" mode. Thanks for sharing everyone. It's good to catch up with friends here. I'll be thinking of those who are going through rough patches.

 

[rida]

Rita I miss your bubbly self. Is there anyone you can talk with, a therapist of some sort, who can help you through this, as well?

The real world has not lost the bubbly me, so I guess I'm still doing ok.
But thanks! I have a couple friends to talk/email with and this board to vent

 

[Etoile]

The real world has not lost the bubbly me, so I guess I'm still doing ok.
But thanks! I have a couple friends to talk/email with and this board to vent

{{hugs}}