Can't make him cum...

[Vanity Deity]

So, my boyfriend and I have been together now for roughly 10 months. We started off as friends, known each other for about 3 years. He asked if he could live with me for a while, I agreed. It turned into more, shortly thereafter. Now we're together, and every other aspect of our relationship is amazing. He's funny, smart, charming... I love spending all my time with him. The only thing I would change, to be honest is the fact that our sex life SUCKS! And he doesn't want to talk about it.

He is a few years younger than I am (I'm 24, he's 21) and he was a virgin before we became an item. At first, everything was alright. He's not your typical young man who, as most of us know, could get turned on at the drop of a hat and has no problems in wanting sex and/or engaging in sex. Now, we started off slow, I'd let him touch me, become familiar with me, things of that nature. It wasn't for a few weeks after we started being intimate that we actually had sex. Even then in the beginning, I noticed he wanted the attention focused on me, but not because he wants it to be, per se, I think it's a way to keep the attention off him. Anyways, here we are, 8-9 months later, and our sex life sucks.

Sometimes, sex I amazing. Most of the time it's great, but what is very bothersome to me is the fact he never gets off. I've been told by people that the orgasm/climax is focused on way too much, that you should really just be enjoying the intimacy you have with your partner. Well, that's great and all, but how about an orgasm every once in a while too, eh? I'd have to say, if we've had sex 50 times, he's reached climax 5 times. Now it's to the point where, we both just feel like giving up.

I feel like it's something I'm doing wrong, he doesn't wanna talk about it, and I don't exactly know how TO talk about it... It's not that he's not turned on, I could kiss him, walk around topless and I can see/sense his excitement. He has no problems staying hard or anything like that. Sometimes, we'll try and try and try for an hour or two, to the point of where we are both exhausted, sweaty and discouraged.

Tonight, in fact, this happened again. I had been noticing lately, he's been wanting to try new positions. So I told him after our once again failed attempt at having sex, why not just focus on yourself, let's do a position that works for you, not worrying about new ones. New ones are great, but it's better every once in a while to just do what works. There's always time for others later. He says to me, as it stands right now, there is no position we've tried that can make me cum, as he exited the room, leaving me standing there, speechless and dumbfounded. So, I exit the bedroom, he tells me he's going for a walk and leaves.

I just... I don't know what to say/think/do anymore. We have sex on average maybe once a week, and he cums on average once every 9th or 10th time we have sex. He hates condoms but we wear them. He says he feels nothing from them, he says. So to try and accommodate him, we both went and got tested, got our results, I went and got the IUD (birth control that is inserted into my uterus that lasts up to 12 years) all so we could try and make this work, all so he can derive some sort of pleasure out of us having sex. Nothing works. Nothing. Is it me? Is this typical? Should he get checked out? Who would we see? What do I do? I'm going crazy! I don't NEED sex, in fact, my own libido isn't sky high, but I'd like to have sex more than once every week or two... or three. Not to mention, it's just nice knowing I'm desired, wanted, needed... and then, knowing I can satisfy my man.

Any help would be much appreciated.

 

[leyna]

You may want to check out this thread:
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=771463

But, frankly, your dilemma seems very different from that one.
It seems like you both are putting a LOT of pressure on him to "make" him cum. You're frustrated, but he seems even more frustrated - to the point of literally walking out.
i mean, are you trying different positions to try and make him cum, or because they're enjoyable for the both of you? it doesn't sound like you two are connecting.

Also, if he was a virgin when you met him, he may just be reeeeaaallly used to his hand and needs reconditioning. See if you can get him to stop masturbating.

 

[Vanity Deity]

leyna,

As far as masturbation goes, I've never known him to do so. He's mentioned previously that he didn't even masturbate that often, and that sex isn't a big deal to him as he's never really had many times where he's had that urge. Which I believe, but what I can't grasp is, when he's right in front of me, and I can see him excited, what is keeping him from ejaculating? It's becoming more of a job/chore to try and have decent sex, than it is enjoyable. We both have thrown out remarks like, "What's the point of us even having sex?" It's mostly him, I do try and be supportive but he just doesn't really want to open up and talk about it. Different times we'd be having sex, and he'd be SO excited that he'd end up with 'Blue Balls' to the point of needing to put ice and cold water in a zip lock bag, and apply to his groin area over night. Once, I even had to take him to the ER. He tells me he's never NOT tried to 'get off.' Which I also believe, because, what man would torture himself to the point of excruciating pain? Is it possible for him to just have difficulties in this department?

As far as the new positions, I believe it's to see what would feel good for both of us. But because for the first half of us having sex he uses a condom (then thinks he might be able to cum without it, so he takes it off) nothing seems to feel very good. No one position feels better than the other. I'm not very experienced, but he's VERY inexperienced. So us trying new positions really allows us both to figure out what we like. But it's rarely ever smooth sailing. There's a lot of "Ow!" "Err..." "I don't think I like this." things like that, which also tends to be a bit of a mood killer. So that is why I brought up the idea of us just sticking to something we both can enjoy, mostly him. He pleases me every time just about, I'm never left unsatisfied. So after a while I feel almost as if I'm taking, taking, taking and unable to give, when that's all I WANT to do.

 

[SweetErika]

You've had to take him to the ER for this, yet he hasn't seen a good doctor about it yet?

Seriously, he needs to go see someone who specializes in male sexual dysfunction (usually that's a urologist). It could be physical and/or psychological, but as an ongoing problem that causes him both types of pain/distress, he needs to get himself checked out thoroughly by a professional or two who really knows what they're doing.

 

[Vanity Deity]

I don't know if he doesn't think it's an issue, or if he's just not showing me how concerned he is. I try to voice my concerns, but I don't want to push him too much. I don't want to make him feel inadequate or anything. But what he doesn't seem to realize, is I'm sitting here wondering -- is this me? If he were with someone else would he be able to cum? You hear of sexual dysfunction in older men, but generally not so much in young, healthy men. In every other aspect of his life he is very healthy. Eats right, doesn't smoke, drink, none of that. But sex... is a major issue. I don't even know where to begin on how to bring up him needing to see a doctor, or what. I know he so badly wants it just as much as I do, and in the rare occasions we do have sex, it's usually him initiating it, since I've given up on trying, because when I do I'm usually shot down. So, if he wants it, it just seems odd that he can't climax. With or without condoms. Whether it's oral, vaginal, whatever. Nothing works. So that's why I turned here, as I was starting to wonder, could it just be me?! So confusing! How would I approach him about the whole doctor thing, anyways? 9 months isn't exactly long enough to where we are both completely committed to each other and are able to share all these details. Even though we live together, the relationship aspect has gone very slow. Only recently have we even been calling each other our boyfriend/girlfriend in reference to one another. So it's definitely touchy... Ya know?

SweetErika,
Yes, I had to drive him to the ER because he was in SO much pain from his 'blue balls' that he could barely move. They had to give him a shot and prescribe him some pain killers, he was in that much pain. I don't know many men who'd want to go to the hospital, especially for that, either! So, it got to that point where, he had an erection for so long without any release, it caused so much pain. I just don't know what could be keeping him from being able to. Maybe it's mental?

 

[GrimsPet]

SweetErika,
Yes, I had to drive him to the ER because he was in SO much pain from his 'blue balls' that he could barely move. They had to give him a shot and prescribe him some pain killers, he was in that much pain. I don't know many men who'd want to go to the hospital, especially for that, either! So, it got to that point where, he had an erection for so long without any release, it caused so much pain. I just don't know what could be keeping him from being able to. Maybe it's mental?

That is a medical issue. This is not something YOU are or are not doing. This is a problem with HIM. He's afraid to even consider he might have a problem, so that's why he won't talk about it or do anything about it. Something inside his groin is not functioning correctly and needs to be addressed by the proper medical professional. There are Urologists out there who specialize in sexual dysfunction. If he won't see a doctor with any amount of urging on your part then I would consider your options of moving on, or living with it.

 

[SweetErika]

I don't know if he doesn't think it's an issue, or if he's just not showing me how concerned he is. I try to voice my concerns, but I don't want to push him too much. I don't want to make him feel inadequate or anything. But what he doesn't seem to realize, is I'm sitting here wondering -- is this me? If he were with someone else would he be able to cum? You hear of sexual dysfunction in older men, but generally not so much in young, healthy men. In every other aspect of his life he is very healthy. Eats right, doesn't smoke, drink, none of that. But sex... is a major issue. I don't even know where to begin on how to bring up him needing to see a doctor, or what. I know he so badly wants it just as much as I do, and in the rare occasions we do have sex, it's usually him initiating it, since I've given up on trying, because when I do I'm usually shot down. So, if he wants it, it just seems odd that he can't climax. With or without condoms. Whether it's oral, vaginal, whatever. Nothing works. So that's why I turned here, as I was starting to wonder, could it just be me?! So confusing! How would I approach him about the whole doctor thing, anyways? 9 months isn't exactly long enough to where we are both completely committed to each other and are able to share all these details. Even though we live together, the relationship aspect has gone very slow. Only recently have we even been calling each other our boyfriend/girlfriend in reference to one another. So it's definitely touchy... Ya know?

SweetErika,
Yes, I had to drive him to the ER because he was in SO much pain from his 'blue balls' that he could barely move. They had to give him a shot and prescribe him some pain killers, he was in that much pain. I don't know many men who'd want to go to the hospital, especially for that, either! So, it got to that point where, he had an erection for so long without any release, it caused so much pain. I just don't know what could be keeping him from being able to. Maybe it's mental?

It's likely a physical problem with a mental component, at this point at least. The doctor will check/rule out physiological causes first, then look at psychological causes, if necessary.

I'd suggest approaching him with genuine care and concern as his friend and lover. You could maybe tell him you did a little research and there are a bunch of conditions that can cause delayed ejaculation and inorgasmia, so you'd really like him to get checked out by a good doctor. I'm not sure if your guy is the same, but my husband is a loser when it comes to checking stuff out and scheduling appointments, so I just find providers and make appointments for him (I obviously tell him I'm going to do so and ask what days/times work best with his schedule first). Then he pretty much has to go, unless he's faced with a true scheduling conflict. Anyway, if your bf is reluctant, you may offer to find the doctor and make the appointment for him. If his insurance requires a referral to see a specialist, he'll need to see his/another primary care doctor first (he should go to the appointment with a urologist who specializes in male sexual dysfunction in mind).

 

[Vanity Deity]

Thank you for your input, ladies. I really appreciate it. I'll try to be sensitive with him, and ask him if maybe it's something he would like having looked into. I just hope I'm able to say the right things. Wish me luck! Again, thanks for all your opinions. It makes me feel slightly better, knowing others out there don't think it's me! Because I was really starting to lose a little self confidence over this matter.

 

[simplegirl]

Some men simply have difficulty reaching orgasm. That said, everyone has made very good and valid points on here. Also, he may have a kink or fetish that he needs to help him get off and that he's been too shy/embarassed/afraid of rejection to share with you. Maybe he's questioning his sexual identity?

Approach him with gentleness and an open mind. Frustration will simply make him shut down.

Best of luck.

 

[gregor2001us]

Is he circumcised?

Just one of many things that can make it difficult to orgasm.

Regards

 

[aniowachick]

Actually, it sounds a lot like a loss of sensation or libido.

I have been on meds that make orgasm seem impossible. Very frustrating also.


Is he on any meds? Any at all?
Does he smoke pot? Drink a lot? Anything?

 

[wannaknowmore]

antidepressants

antidepressants make that to me .. can he consider using a dildo ? this could make an orgasm possible or much easier .. an urologist is a good idea but sometimes they cant do anything .. ( if they dont use a dildo : P)