Can you help me with this description?

[AG31]

Last night and for a couple of hours this a.m., I was distracted from my regular fiction reading by trying to put language to a short scene in my mind. I need some closure for this. Can any of you help?

The setup is this: Two people have a very gratifying one night stand, but both are committed to not getting into relationships and have given false names and telephone numbers. The next morning they find themselves together in a business meeting, being introduced with their correct identities. They subsequently agree to act as if the previous night had never happened. (From The Last Party by Clare Mackintosh). But both their minds refuse to obey. Here's what the woman is thinking (me, now, not Mackintosh). I'm not even going to try to introduce felicitous language.

She focuses on his dress shirt. She imagines running her hand down his chest, feeling the soft/crisp fabric over the warm, hard muscels. She feels the tiny ridges of the chest hair and imagines hooking her fingers behind his belt. Late on I thought I might add that her heart speeded up, her pelvis began to feel full, hur vulva (hate the word pussy) swelled.

That's it. Can you help?

All along I've assumed that I would assure you all there will be no copyright issues, as this is too insubstantial to publish, even for me. But as I type, I'm reminded of my little piece, "Undressing." I think I could slip it in there. So, just in case, don't make any suggestions that you're not willing to have me include in my story without attribution. Although I'd surely acknowledge you here in AH.

 

[crookedletter]

What is it you're asking for help on? What happens next, or the language in the description?

Seems to me you're off to a good start. What is it you're stuck on?

Also I don't think you need to be concerned about copyright issues. This seems a common enough trope; I think you could make the story/characters your own and run with it.

 

[AG31]

What is it you're asking for help on? What happens next, or the language in the description?

Seems to me you're off to a good start. What is it you're stuck on?

Also I don't think you need to be concerned about copyright issues. This seems a common enough trope; I think you could make the story/characters your own and run with it.

The language of the description. Nothing happens next. It's a stand-alone fantasy scene. I'm looking for the specific language, not worried about copying a trope.

 

[StillStunned]

The language of the description will depend on the tone of the story and the voice of the character. But based on things my wife says to me, I'd stress things like remembering his scent, or the warmth and strength of his hands, or the way his voice in her ear goes straight down her spine and into her lady bits. Depending on the character, my description might include imagining the sensation of the material of his shirt or belt under her fingertips, or picturing how he'd squirm at her touch.

 

[AG31]

The language of the description will depend on the tone of the story and the voice of the character. But based on things my wife says to me, I'd stress things like remembering his scent, or the warmth and strength of his hands, or the way his voice in her ear goes straight down her spine and into her lady bits. Depending on the character, my description might include imagining the sensation of the material of his shirt or belt under her fingertips, or picturing how he'd squirm at her touch.

There is no story. There are no character traits. Pure snapshot of physicality. It's the words I'm looking for.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

Okay but I choose which bits of physicality to snapshot based on the goals of the scene within my larger story.

 

[crookedletter]

There is no story. There are no character traits. Pure snapshot of physicality. It's the words I'm looking for.

I think you have a good start on the words. You're focusing on the sensory details, the specific things she's imagining, the way it affects her physically. I would just keep that going, have her imagination proceed, imagine how it might be to undress him right there in the conference room, what might happen next, what those thoughts and images do to her as she tries to sit there keeping her composure through the meeting.

 

[StillStunned]

There is no story. There are no character traits. Pure snapshot of physicality. It's the words I'm looking for.

Then use words that have the right sounds. Her fingers slither over his shirt. His voice growls in her ear and sends a shiver sliding down her spine. His breath becomes hot and hasty. His heartbeat pulses in his chest. His belt is hard and stiff.

Give every word a double layer, either in its meaning or its sound.

 

[MythicMind]

I find that scenes like this are elevated when they are layered with emotions and thoughts. In other words, is she excited? Nervous? or even guilty or ashamed? What does she think about all this: it's amazing? She regrets it? She wants more? She's worried that it will bite her at work? Mixing up all these things is what makes the sex interesting and not just arousing.

 

[AG31]

This has been very illuminating, and it's impelling me to be even more specific. An idea came into my head, and I wanted to put it into words, and I got stuck, specifically, on how to phrase the feel of chest hairs under a smooth shirt as she trailed her hand down his chest. "Little ridges?" No. "Long bumps?" No. "Bumpy cushion?" No. That's all I was asking for. The thread is illuminating because it shows the degree to which authors are committed to the broader context. But sometimes focusing on the broader context can make us lose the physical reality. No?

What is it you're stuck on?

The language of the description will depend on the tone of the story and the voice of the character.

Okay but I choose which bits of physicality to snapshot based on the goals of the scene within my larger story.

. I would just keep that going,

Give every word a double layer, either in its meaning or its sound.

I find that scenes like this are elevated when they are layered with emotions and thoughts.

 

[cw5523729]

This has been very illuminating, and it's impelling me to be even more specific. An idea came into my head, and I wanted to put it into words, and I got stuck, specifically, on how to phrase the feel of chest hairs under a smooth shirt as she trailed her hand down his chest. "Little ridges?" No. "Long bumps?" No. "Bumpy cushion?" No. That's all I was asking for. The thread is illuminating because it shows the degree to which authors are committed to the broader context. But sometimes focusing on the broader context can make us lose the physical reality. No?

I think it's more to the point of no one understands what exactly you are asking for. At least, I know I sure as hell don't. And the more you try to explain it, the more lost I get. It sounds like you are looking for someone to rewrite that one single paragraph with different synonyms? If so, I still don't get what the point is.

Maybe that's just me.

 

[crookedletter]

This has been very illuminating, and it's impelling me to be even more specific. An idea came into my head, and I wanted to put it into words, and I got stuck, specifically, on how to phrase the feel of chest hairs under a smooth shirt as she trailed her hand down his chest. "Little ridges?" No. "Long bumps?" No. "Bumpy cushion?" No. That's all I was asking for. The thread is illuminating because it shows the degree to which authors are committed to the broader context. But sometimes focusing on the broader context can make us lose the physical reality. No?

Sure. Or perhaps it’s just that authors are more inclined to talk about your writing than to do your writing for you. And offering you the benefit of the doubt that the latter isn’t really what you’re asking for.

 

[Britva415]

I got stuck, specifically, on how to phrase the feel of chest hairs under a smooth shirt as she trailed her hand down his chest. "Little ridges?" No. "Long bumps?" No. "Bumpy cushion?" No.

What you're doing is good: Just generating brainstorm content until you find something that works.

Here's what I see you trying to do: Everything is a simile or a metaphor. There are ways to change gears and to brainstorm a different set of ideas, ones which don't fit into the simile/metaphor category.

One idea: What if you trust the reader to imagine for themselves what chest hairs under shirt fabric would feel like? What if you described the hairs themselves and the shirt itself, instead of comparing the result to something that's not hairs under a shirt? So what if you generated a brainstorm of the actual, direct qualities of the hairs or of the shirt or of the chest they're on, instead of saying they're like something else?

Another idea: What if you let the hair and the chest and the shirt stand for themselves (by just naming them, no more) and instead brainstorm the resulting feeling she gets? How does she imagine reacting to touching them, feeling them? What would that do to her? Yes, you did include some physiological reflexes in your original post. What else? What emotions? What tangential ideas or thoughts? What desires? What fantasy content?

You can brainstorm different categories to work with, and then brainstorm upon many of them. We have four categories we have referred to, here, already:
What is the hair like (simile)
What is the hair like (inherently)
How do her emotions react
How does her body react

Other brainstorms-about-brainstorms could be:
What is the energy of this daydreaming? Soft, intense, focused, diffuse? Connected to other people and their energy or contained within her? How?

How long does each of these thoughts endure? Is the daydream persistent and uninterrupted, or does it get pushed away and then return unbidden?

What other senses can you bring to bear? Temperature/warmth? Sound? His breathing, her own pulse in her ears? Sense memories of the night they did spend together?

Emotionally, is she conflicted? Indulgent? Yearning? Surprised? Guilty?

Mentally, is this rumination compelling? Or merely idle? Does she wonder or does she project? Does she self-talk or are her thoughts non-verbal? What does all of this mean to her? What is her reaction to that meaning?

Imaginatively, what does she anticipate? What does she fantasize? How do those make her feel?

So yeah, what if you brainstormed about how many different dimensions are there which you could approach this from, and then write about some of those, in addition to the one dimension you started with?

Do any of the above ideas seem like they could add what you're looking for to the scene?

 

[AlinaX]

The setup is this: Two people have a very gratifying one night stand, but both are committed to not getting into relationships and have given false names and telephone numbers. The next morning they find themselves together in a business meeting, being introduced with their correct identities. They subsequently agree to act as if the previous night had never happened. (From The Last Party by Clare Mackintosh). But both their minds refuse to obey. Here's what the woman is thinking (me, now, not Mackintosh). I'm not even going to try to introduce felicitous language.

She focuses on his dress shirt. She imagines running her hand down his chest, feeling the soft/crisp fabric over the warm, hard muscels. She feels the tiny ridges of the chest hair and imagines hooking her fingers behind his belt. Late on I thought I might add that her heart speeded up, her pelvis began to feel full, hur vulva (hate the word pussy) swelled.

Darren. Not the name he gave me last night, although to be fair I wasn't Samantha last night either. And what a night too! I can still smell him deep in my soul. My fingers itch to tease open his crisp white shirt, to feel the buttons popping beneath my fingertips. I do like a man with muscles, and chest hair - although not too much. His heart pounding in his chest, just like mine... Dear gods, I need to stop this, or it won't just be my panties that are soaked.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

sometimes focusing on the broader context can make us lose the physical reality. No?

Maybe this is getting a little too metaphysical but I don't think there is any such thing as "physical reality" when it comes to narration in a story. Our perceptions are mediated by our sensory apparatus and then on top of that all the brain stuff. The same shirt can feel luxuriously soft or painfully coarse depending on whether you've got a sunburn. The same gorilla can be terrifying or invisible depending on how closely you're watching the basketball players. (If you don't know the study I'm talking about, google "invisible gorilla basketball".)

 

[ElectricBlue]

That's it. Can you help?

The "problem" with this request is that folk are going to suggest you write it "their way" because that's all they know, and they also might not know your approach to erotica - which is to disconnect the physical senses from the intimacy and emotion.

If I was to have a go at this scene, it would be seen through my (EB) eyes, with the layers and grace notes that I would automatically use. But it couldn't be an AG31 scene, because you're after something different. So I won't even try.

 

[Off_base]

As I ran my hand over his silk shirt, the slight resistance of his chest hair softened like gentle waves under my touch, until I could feel the definition in his hard, thick muscles?

 

[AG31]

I think it's more to the point of no one understands what exactly you are asking for. At least, I know I sure as hell don't. And the more you try to explain it, the more lost I get. It sounds like you are looking for someone to rewrite that one single paragraph with different synonyms? If so, I still don't get what the point is.

Maybe that's just me.

Actually, re-write a paricular phrase. The description of the feel of chest hair through a shirt.

 

[AG31]

What you're doing is good: Just generating brainstorm content until you find something that works.

Here's what I see you trying to do: Everything is a simile or a metaphor. There are ways to change gears and to brainstorm a different set of ideas, ones which don't fit into the simile/metaphor category.

One idea: What if you trust the reader to imagine for themselves what chest hairs under shirt fabric would feel like? What if you described the hairs themselves and the shirt itself, instead of comparing the result to something that's not hairs under a shirt? So what if you generated a brainstorm of the actual, direct qualities of the hairs or of the shirt or of the chest they're on, instead of saying they're like something else?

Another idea: What if you let the hair and the chest and the shirt stand for themselves (by just naming them, no more) and instead brainstorm the resulting feeling she gets? How does she imagine reacting to touching them, feeling them? What would that do to her? Yes, you did include some physiological reflexes in your original post. What else? What emotions? What tangential ideas or thoughts? What desires? What fantasy content?

You can brainstorm different categories to work with, and then brainstorm upon many of them. We have four categories we have referred to, here, already:
What is the hair like (simile)
What is the hair like (inherently)
How do her emotions react
How does her body react

Other brainstorms-about-brainstorms could be:
What is the energy of this daydreaming? Soft, intense, focused, diffuse? Connected to other people and their energy or contained within her? How?

How long does each of these thoughts endure? Is the daydream persistent and uninterrupted, or does it get pushed away and then return unbidden?

What other senses can you bring to bear? Temperature/warmth? Sound? His breathing, her own pulse in her ears? Sense memories of the night they did spend together?

Emotionally, is she conflicted? Indulgent? Yearning? Surprised? Guilty?

Mentally, is this rumination compelling? Or merely idle? Does she wonder or does she project? Does she self-talk or are her thoughts non-verbal? What does all of this mean to her? What is her reaction to that meaning?

Imaginatively, what does she anticipate? What does she fantasize? How do those make her feel?

So yeah, what if you brainstormed about how many different dimensions are there which you could approach this from, and then write about some of those, in addition to the one dimension you started with?

Do any of the above ideas seem like they could add what you're looking for to the scene?

Thanks. I have to come back of this when supper isn't on the stove. This looks fruitful.

 

[AG31]

Darren. Not the name he gave me last night, although to be fair I wasn't Samantha last night either. And what a night too! I can still smell him deep in my soul. My fingers itch to tease open his crisp white shirt, to feel the buttons popping beneath my fingertips. I do like a man with muscles, and chest hair - although not too much. His heart pounding in his chest, just like mine... Dear gods, I need to stop this, or it won't just be my panties that are soaked.

Very nice!

 

[AG31]

I don't think there is any such thing as "physical reality" when it comes to narration in a story.

Maybe not, but I'm going to keep trying!

 

[AG31]

As I ran my hand over his silk shirt, the slight resistance of his chest hair softened like gentle waves under my touch, until I could feel the definition in his hard, thick muscles?

Thanks. Very nice!

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

The language of the description. Nothing happens next. It's a stand-alone fantasy scene. I'm looking for the specific language, not worried about copying a trope.

Close your eyes and put yourself in her place, literally. Let what you would do if you were her drive what you describe. Imagine the target of her desire is your significant other, or favorite playtime partner.

Say the words... out loud... hear them. Then you can put them on paper.


Good luck.

 

[AG31]

Close your eyes and put yourself in her place, literally. Let what you would do if you were her drive what you describe. Imagine the target of her desire is your significant other, or favorite playtime partner.

Say the words... out loud... hear them. Then you can put them on paper.


Good luck.

Good suggestion. That's what I was doing. I just couldn't get words to go with it. But I think what you say is good advice for lots of erotica.

 

[AG31]

What you're doing is good: Just generating brainstorm content until you find something that works.

Here's what I see you trying to do: Everything is a simile or a metaphor. There are ways to change gears and to brainstorm a different set of ideas, ones which don't fit into the simile/metaphor category.

One idea: What if you trust the reader to imagine for themselves what chest hairs under shirt fabric would feel like?

Not my style.

What if you described the hairs themselves and the shirt itself, instead of comparing the result to something that's not hairs under a shirt?

So what if you generated a brainstorm of the actual, direct qualities of the hairs or of the shirt or of the chest they're on, instead of saying they're like something else?

The feel on fingertips is critical, I think.

Another idea: What if you let the hair and the chest and the shirt stand for themselves (by just naming them, no more) and instead brainstorm the resulting feeling she gets? How does she imagine reacting to touching them, feeling them? What would that do to her? Yes, you did include some physiological reflexes in your original post. What else? What emotions? What tangential ideas or thoughts? What desires? What fantasy content?

Your ideas are good, in the abstract. Can you concretize them?

You can brainstorm different categories to work with, and then brainstorm upon many of them. We have four categories we have referred to, here, already:
What is the hair like (simile)
What is the hair like (inherently)
How do her emotions react
How does her body react

Yup, yup, yup. I was brainstorming all the early morning. No good results. Can you come up with good results?

Other brainstorms-about-brainstorms could be:
What is the energy of this daydreaming? Soft, intense, focused, diffuse? Connected to other people and their energy or contained within her? How?

If I could get past the chest hairs under the shirt, I might find myself in a more elaborate fantasy. But I'm stuck.

How long does each of these thoughts endure? Is the daydream persistent and uninterrupted, or does it get pushed away and then return unbidden?

This would be fun to explore, if....if.... (see above)

What other senses can you bring to bear? Temperature/warmth? Sound? His breathing, her own pulse in her ears? Sense memories of the night they did spend together?

Warmth, for sure. Doesn't help me describe the feel of the chest hairs through the shirt.

Emotionally, is she conflicted? Indulgent? Yearning? Surprised? Guilty?

Yearning.

Mentally, is this rumination compelling? Or merely idle? Does she wonder or does she project? Does she self-talk or are her thoughts non-verbal? What does all of this mean to her? What is her reaction to that meaning?

She lusts.

Imaginatively, what does she anticipate? What does she fantasize? How do those make her feel?

Distractions.

So yeah, what if you brainstormed about how many different dimensions are there which you could approach this from, and then write about some of those, in addition to the one dimension you started with?

My brainstorming about the feel on her fingertips of the chest hairs under the shirt came to naught. So I came to AH.

Do any of the above ideas seem like they could add what you're looking for to the scene?

They're really fun to think about, but they don't help me with my fruitless brainstorming about how to describe the feel on fingertips (or palms) of chest hair under a shirt.

But thanks so much for taking the time!!!