Can you control your feelings and who you fall in love with??

[Shy Tall Guy]

This issue came up in another thread where it was asserted that we cannot control our feelings and/or who we fall in love with.

I assert we can - I continually control my feelings when I feel the need to, and I feel I can also have control over who I fall in love with. I may not be able to fall in love with someone I despise and/or I am not attracted to, but in a way that is control itself.

What do you think? Can you control yourself?

 

[kotori]

other

Why would you want to?

 

[Fly_On_Wall]

Nope.
Dispite the fact i have an emotinal disorder, Emotions cannot be controled. and even if they could why should you. if you feel one why don't deny who you are just cause you want to feel a different way.
Everything in life happenes for a reason.

As for who wer fall in love with, hell no that one cannot becontroled, now weather we act on this can be. But I believe there are different degrees of love, how deep we love someone can be controled on weather we embrase it or not.

 

[plasticman33]

I've just recently proven to myself I can not control who I fall in love with. But, I've also learned to keep my feelings under control because of the possiblities of hurting other party's involved, who would suffer needlessly, if they knew of the relationship. Not an easy task.

 

[juicylips]

I wish.....

I could control it. Lust is my problem, not necessarily love.

Love makes me do the "right thing".

Lust makes me do the wrong thing.

Love is about what is best for others.

Lust is what is best for me.


I don't think I really answered your question. Just tried to define the difference for me about what "falling love" is to me.

Cassidy

 

[JennyOmanHill]

Good question!

I think we do have the ability to control our feelings (otherwise more of us would be locked up!), but I'm not sure if we can really control who we fall in love with. (That little word "in" making such a difference!)

There are many people in my life that I choose to love, but I've had three varied experiences of my falling "in" love with three very different men. First time was an instant second (the man I had manufactured in my dreams literally came walking through the door). The second time was with a guy I had already known for over a year. We had started hanging out alone and with others during that time, then suddenly one day I just looked at him, and WHAM.. I was IN love again! Unfortunately, the first guy died and the second guy didn't want me after all!

Now just when I had begun once again to feel that I'll just retire from any romantic situation, a new man entered my life. We have not yet met, but have been in contact a few months. It was going quite well and good and we enjoyed our time together. One weekend I was unable to reach him. By the time we found each other again four days later, I realized that I had fallen again!

Perhaps I'm just a romantic at heart, but so be it. I guess I am controlling the situation somewhat by letting myself fall this time, but the feeling still struck me unexpectantly at first.

O.K. I just confused myself! Hope this makes some sense!

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Absolutely you can. If you can't control yourself you aren't in love, you're infatuated, in lust, obssessed, or in some other way possessed with possession -- but it isn't "love", which requires much more clearheadness than people with their heads stuck in romance novels would like to believe.

 

[InLove]

If I could I would still be in a safe loveless marriage

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

Re: other

Why would you want to?

Let me list the reasons (in no particular order):

1) To be happier.
2) To not cause others pain.
3) To not cause yourself pain.
4) To achieve what you really want, to achieve it faster and with less effort/pain.

Come on people - we all control our emotions to one degree or another, if we didn't we would be like very little children. Because I am a very sensitive and emotional person, I have had to learn how to control my emotions or I would be an emotional wreck most of the time. I have gained a little more control over my emotions than most other people I know because I had to; I have been in situations where to do otherwise would have created havoc.

Some people who meet me and know me a little sometimes make the mistake of thinking me cold and stoic, but just the opposite is true; my emotions run deep and strong. But if I let those emotions control me, instead of me controlling them, I would have been in jail a number of times, had a number of disasterous affairs, and so on.

I let my emotions for the most part define my objectives, and my rational mind control how I achieve those objectives. Yes I want love, but I do not fall in love with just anybody. Yes I fear, but for the most part I do not let that fear prevent me from achieving my goals. Yes I lust, but I do not go out and fuck just anybody I lust after, and I know the difference between lust and love. Yes I get angry, and I even hate a one person enough to kill them - but I don't go out and bash them in the face or murder that one person.

Some may say I don't control my emotions, that this is the wrong question - the right question being do we let our emotions control us?

Maybe that is the right question afterall, but my answer would still be yes - I can control my emotions, and no I don't let my emotions control me. Think about it.

 

[lovetoread]

I believe that your feelings form,good or bad,without any control. Following up on those feelings is what matters in the long run. Real love can be pushed aside for the greater good.

 

[ToddHwrd]

Re: other

Why would you want to?

Exactly, what would the point be...........?

 

[luv2tvl69]

I believe (IMHO) that you really cant help who attracts you and who you fall in love with.

I do believe however what we can control are the actions we take upon those feelings.

Sometimes there is just some type of connection between two people that you almost cant even explain. Maybe a physical or emotional chemistry. But whether you take that attraction and act on it is totally up to you.

 

[Sabineteas]

Control

Yes, I believe that you can control both aspects.

You can control your feelings. It is hard to do, but I believe that anyone can do it.

I believe that you can control who you fall in love with also. That is a specific choice that one makes. I do not think that you can control who you are attracted to...love comes after that. Attraction is almost a uncontrolled response of your mind. Think about how many times you have seen a really nice man<girls> or a really nice woman<guys>. You are attracted to them, but once you have had the chance to talk and interact with them, you may decide that they are not for you. That is where we make the choice. Do I make sense??

 

[darrenfate]

Following up on those feelings is what matters in the long run.

Love to read, that says it all!

Hell, my feelings run out of control all the time! Its the actual DOING that seperates all of us from other animals (not that I'm immune from making bad choices )

 

[PowerOfOne]

Control over love?

I do not think I am a good one to answer this since my "loves" have all turned to crap. ~laughing~ My Grandmother used to tell me that love is like the dew, it is just as likely to fall on a pile of horse manure as a rose. She was right and I keep falling in the horse manure!!

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

I believe (IMHO) that you really cant help who attracts you and who you fall in love with.

For mature adults there is a difference between being able to control who attracts us and who we fall in love with. The former we have less control over than the latter.

Certain physical/sexual attraction are programmed in us both culturally and genetically, and I have discussed this here before.

It would be interesting to cross correlate the views of those who state here that they or we have no control over these emotions, with their statements about "inner beauty" etc., where they inferred that they did have control over those same emotions - do they jive? If not, are they being honest and thoughtful now, or were they being dishonest then and just saying what they thought others wanted to here?

I do believe however what we can control are the actions we take upon those feelings - if not completely control the emotions that tend to provoke those actions. An adult would be very immature indeed if they fell into lust and then love with everyone they met that they found attractive.

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

Re: Control

You are attracted to them, but once you have had the chance to talk and interact with them, you may decide that they are not for you. That is where we make the choice. Do I make sense??

Exactly. I have often said here that we have little control over what we find attractive, and that people can talk about "inner beauty" all they want, but when it comes to whether they are attracted to that person or not, and whether they can fall in love with someone they are not attracted to physically, that is a whole different issue.

 

[Mellon Collie]

I think you can control how you feel to a degree, I mean sometimes you can't help yourself, you just feel the way you do. But at the same time you CAN control whether or not the other person knows how you feel which I think makes a big difference.

 

[lilminx]

I can control or mask my eomotions to some extent, but it's hard for me to control who I fall in love with. I would I could control it, because I end up falling in love with people who aren't right for me.

 

[rexfelis]

In my experience...

my emotions definitely have a mind of their own, and they usually win any argumnent with my mind. But I can act against them, though it be difficult and painful.

I think we can control who we fall in love with, but most people do not. That is to say, we have a preprogrammed "love map" that reacts to certain traits or combinations of traits with the brain chemicals and emotions that are being in love. This "love map" can be changed, but rare indeed is who changes it, even of those who continually end up with unsavory types.

Short of reprogramming the "love map", though, I don't personally believe I have control over who I fall in love with. In other words, whatever my love map says determines who, but I do not have the strength to control it when it begins. I don't think everyone is as thralled to their emotions as I am, but that's me. Once I have begun falling in love, the pain at not giving my emotions their head is too much to bear.

 

[Savage Kitten]

I voted yes

I do it quite often, I think we all do in some degree. Not too long ago, I allowed myself to love someone even though I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. I did it because I wanted to know thet "sensation" again. It was all very one-sided. I loved him and he could neither accept the love nor return it. Believe it or not, I did not get hurt in that situation. It's been over for more than a year but if he came to me today and wanted to give it a go I would.

There are men, that I know I could love.... if I let myself. But, loving someone is such a weakness. You take such overwhelming chances. Yes, I am very skittish. I'll inch out onto a branch, but when it begins to shake I immediately run for safety. Oh, if only I could tell you the stories of the walls I have built.

Control is the operative word here. If I controlled it any better I'd be decked out in shiny black leather with whips and chains in my hands.

 

[darrenfate]

Yes, I am very skittish. I'll inch out onto a branch, but when it begins to shake I immediately run for safety.

Awww, poor ~Savage~ Kitty! You need a HUG!
I'm a nice big fireman, and I've got my ladder just to get you down from that big old tree. There you go! Now, what you do from here forward is up to you...

 

[SexuallyGifted]

Controlling who you fall in love with would be like trying to control who your parents are ( my first choice btw) so no I do'nt believe you can control that.

 

[rexfelis]

Well....

According to some schools of thought, you *do* choose who your parents are.

Said schools of thought usually hold that you are incarnating for the purpose of learning how to grow as a soul and return to the oneness with the divine that was your origin. They also usually hold that you live many lives, and for each, you choose the particular people who will be your parents acording to what your "educational" needs happen to be that time around.

It's very interesting to think about.

Controlling who you fall in love with would be like trying to control who your parents are ( my first choice btw) so no I do'nt believe you can control that.

 

[cymbidia]

If I controlled it any better I'd be decked out in shiny black leather with whips and chains in my hands.

SK? Thew kinda leather clothing you're talking about doesn't usually shine; it's more a matte black. Now, vinyl - THAT stuff shines! Wow! Neither of them breathe though, so if you're gonna be sweating while you control it all, better open a few buttons.

According to some schools of thought, you *do* choose who your parents are.

Reincarnation: the ultimate in recycling.