Can someone "learn" how to be a Dom/me?

[Mr Blonde]

We repeatedly have new people venturing into our forum and asking for advice on how they can "teach" their husband, wife or significant other to be a Dom/me.

Typical questions: How can they activate the other person's interest in BDSM? How can they get them to "take charge" in the bedroom? How can they awaken this sleeping giant?

My opinion: While I hope their relationships work out, I honestly have always thought they are wasting their time. I can't imagine someone with a Dom/me mindset needing any encouragement or help bringing things out in the open.

If you want to be more analytical about it, surveys in this forum have shown that the average age of first BDSM experience was 23/24 and there was a slight trend that dominants started sooner than the average submissive. So if you consider someone who is above 25 years old and has already settled into a longterm vanilla relationship, what are the odds that they have strong dominant tendencies that have previously gone undetected or unfulfilled?

 

[m wisdom]

I choose maybe because I do belive you can "awaken the sleeping giant", but there have to be a giant to wake up. If there is no giant to start with then it's pointless.

Sometimes you hide things about yourself that aren't socially accepted so some people do need encouragement and help to bring these things out into the open. But as I said, you must have something to work with or you aren't going to succeed no matter how much you try.

 

[dolf]

i put maybe.

we live in a society where we are told it's wrong to dominate a partner...it doesn't make a man weak because he tries to do what he's been brought up to believe is right.

sometimes it takes a little while for people to figure out who they really are
xx

 

[A Desert Rose]

We repeatedly have new people venturing into our forum and asking for advice on how they can "teach" their husband, wife or significant other to be a Dom/me.

Typical questions: How can they activate the other person's interest in BDSM? How can they get them to "take charge" in the bedroom? How can they awaken this sleeping giant?

My opinion: While I hope their relationships work out, I honestly have always thought they are wasting their time. I can't imagine someone with a Dom/me mindset needing any encouragement or help bringing things out in the open.

If you want to be more analytical about it, surveys in this forum have shown that the average age of first BDSM experience was 23/24 and there was a slight trend that dominants started sooner than the average submissive. So if you consider someone who is above 25 years old and has already settled into a longterm vanilla relationship, what are the odds that they have strong dominant tendencies that have previously gone undetected or unfulfilled?

I agree with your post.

You can teach skills (i.e. how to use a cane or flogger for "best" effect) but a dominant personality cannot be taught when you are 30 or 50 years old. You are either a dominant - alpha male- call it what you like- or you are not. And as far as I'm concerned, the same goes for a submissive personality type.

My answer is NO.

 

[Shadowsdream]

I chose yes as I know several couples who have been married many years and have successfully become deeply entrenched in BDSM together. In most cases it was the submissive partner that brought the need to their SO who took the time to learn about the Dom/me side and embrace it.

I have seen it work on both side of the whip...long term.

Does it always work...absolutely not.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I chose yes as I know several couples who have been married many years and have successfully become deeply entrenched in BDSM together. In most cases it was the submissive partner that brought the need to their SO who took the time to learn about the Dom/me side and embrace it.

I have seen it work on both side of the whip...long term.

Does it always work...absolutely not.

Is it possible that the SO who takes on the Dominant role is a switch? And/or more of a Top than a true Dom/me?

 

[Hajar]

I'm going to choose maybe, I did ask on my first post about getting my better half to be more dominant or rather sadistic, and like m wisdom pointed out I awoke the beast
However this was something that he had worked very hard on suppressing, he was raised to always have control of himself and fought against his sadistic side, before I had ever started to search out info I'd only seen this side once, several years before we were married.
It took a while for him to be comfortable with the sadist inside.

 

[FungiUg]

I voted maybe. I don't personally know of a case where it has worked, although I do have a friend for whom it is kind of sort of partially maybe working.

I don't believe it can't happen though. I just think it's unlikely. People tend not to change.

I've always felt if you are so unhappy with your partner that you feel you must change them -- perhaps it's time to find another partner? I for one want a partner who loves me for who I am. Not for who they think they can turn me into.

 

[A Desert Rose]

We've had this same discussion in a myriad of ways...

"what makes a Dom/me?"
"how can I become a Dom/me?"
"how can I make my partner Dom me?"
"is being a dominant a learned thing or a personality trait?"

(If I were AA with his supercomputer and superintellect, I could find a half dozen links to this age-old question.)

And we all fall down on the same lines. People can be taught how to do almost anything.

Personality is set at a very young age.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Is it possible that the SO who takes on the Dominant role is a switch? And/or more of a Top than a true Dom/me?

Some are some aren't..point in case willow puss and Roebuck...no switch there and successful

 

[FungiUg]

Some are some aren't..point in case willow puss and Roebuck...no switch there and successful

So how does it work? Is he someone who had an uncovered dominant side, or is he doing it purely motivated by love, or...?

 

[bluntforcemama]

Can someone learn to be a Dom/me? Yes.

Can someone learn to be dominant? Yes.

Does that mean s/he feels it? No.

Does that mean s/he needs it? No.

Being able to feel it: that emotional rush, the desire, and the need is what makes being a Dom/me or submissive want to be who s/he is and act upon his/her feelings.





This whole politically correct crap is atrocious.

 

[FungiUg]

that emotional rush, the desire, and the need is what makes being a Dom/me or submissive want to be who s/he is and act upon his/her feelings.

Agreed. However, I believe that learning about being a Dom/me can uncover previously unknown desires in that area. So it is possible to become a Dom/me... but I would think only in a case where that kind of motivation is uncovered.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Agreed. However, I believe that learning about being a Dom/me can uncover previously unknown desires in that area. So it is possible to become a Dom/me... but I would think only in a case where that kind of motivation is uncovered.

So fungi... where does that motivation come from? Where has that sleeping giant been sleeping all this time? Where did those previously unknown desires spring from?

 

[FungiUg]

So fungi... where does that motivation come from? Where has that sleeping giant been sleeping all this time? Where did those previously unknown desires spring from?

Sleeping.

I mean, I didn't "come out" as a Dom until about 4 years ago. Where had my dominant urge been all that time? It was there, I was just ignoring it.

But once I paid attention to it, I realised just how important it was to me.

Does that make sense?

 

[Kassiana]

I didn't let myself realize I had certain urges for the longest time, and it took even longer to talk to my husband about them. You might be surprised what you discover if you're open and honest about what you want sexually from your partner.

 

[Shadowsdream]

So how does it work? Is he someone who had an uncovered dominant side, or is he doing it purely motivated by love, or...?

Love generally is the motivator which allows someone to take the chance on making a fool of themselves by trying out a very large change in sexuality. It is not easy to approach Domination "through" the desires of another. But it can be done..it certainly is very helpful to have a mentor during the transision.

 

[bluntforcemama]

Agreed. However, I believe that learning about being a Dom/me can uncover previously unknown desires in that area. So it is possible to become a Dom/me... but I would think only in a case where that kind of motivation is uncovered.

I believe a truly dominant person is born, not made. If they uncover that desire, it is not necessarily through learning to be a Dom/me. They may never be interested in that particular area. I am much more attracted to the person who is who s/he is not because s/he learned to be a Dom/me, even if the emotions are real.

On a side note, perhaps this will help you understand my point of view. I do not subscribe to the rules and regulations of BDSM. I do not scene or play (it is not a game to me in any sense of the word), I do not use safewords. I feel what I desire, crave, and need on a very primitive level and do not channel it into neat and tidy categories, into yes or no. Who I am, what I do, and what I desire is always absolute, instinctual, and unfeigned. Therefore I seek out someone who feels it in the same way I do. BDSM happens to encompass many of the areas I hunger for.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Sleeping.

I mean, I didn't "come out" as a Dom until about 4 years ago. Where had my dominant urge been all that time? It was there, I was just ignoring it.

But once I paid attention to it, I realised just how important it was to me.

Does that make sense?

Yes. it makes perfect sense. So in other words, you were a dominant by nature. ;-D

 

[FungiUg]

Yes. it makes perfect sense. So in other words, you were a dominant by nature.

Yup. I think so. So I guess depending on which butt cheek you lean on depends on whether you think I learned to be dominant or whether I always was, and just admitted it.

I do know that after I admitted it, I then when out and actively learned about it. But... that urge that Myst mentioned was there by that point.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Mr.Blonde

I think it would be most interesting to break this poll down by age and experience (either or both online and RT.) Although I don't know how that is possible.

I think there might be a very distinct difference noted in the responses.

 

[FungiUg]

Love generally is the motivator which allows someone to take the chance on making a fool of themselves by trying out a very large change in sexuality. It is not easy to approach Domination "through" the desires of another. But it can be done..it certainly is very helpful to have a mentor during the transision.

That's different to how I managed the transition. It was very much self-motivated, intrinsically rather than externally motivated. However, I do think it CAN happen through extrinsic motivation. I just haven't seen it.

I also believe that yes, it would be easier to manage with a mentor there.

 

[FungiUg]

I believe a truly dominant person is born, not made.

Hmmm... while that is largely my own belief as well, I don't believe it rules out the possibility of MAKING a dominant. I just think if would be a rarity.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Yup. I think so. So I guess depending on which butt cheek you lean on...

Or which side of the fence that butt cheek is sitting on? LOL

 

[FungiUg]

Or which side of the fence that butt cheek is sitting on? LOL

If you're going to straddle a fence with your butt, don't come complaining to me about splinters...