Can I get some feedback on my first story?

[Maggierock]

Can I get some feedback on my first story?

 

[Mastered_again]

First, if you ask for feedback, please include the link to your story:

https://www.literotica.com/s/stranger-on-a-train-6

As to the story itself, I'll be blunt. In general it feels hurried, like you're going to miss that train.

It leaps from one bit of information to the other. The previous Summer job, the quick jaunt to a bar, entrusting a total stranger to watch your stuff, and then leaving it behind.

Once on the train, the encounter with the Swedish mountain man is also a jumble. Slow down and think about how it all proceeds. They're in the sleeping bag and each step of the way just jumps through the action:

"After moving around, trying to get comfortable I found myself getting that tingly feeling in my stomach. Rubbing against each other must have aroused me. I gently pushed my hips back and felt something hard poking in my back. The feeling was delicious and I could feel the wetness pooling in my panties. I felt a hand wrap around my hip. He started caressing me so I slowly reached my hand back. Once I felt the bulge with my hands, I got even more excited. It didn't take me long to get his cock in my hands. My eyes got big as I realized the size of this man. I was not sure I could fit something this big into my tiny pussy, but boy I was sure going to try."

Take your time. Don't just cover the mechanics, but the senses and emotions. You're writing erotica, not a manual.

Rather than just getting that tingling feeling, what caused it? The warmth of the shared sleeping bag, the rocking motion of the train, etc.? I hope you get the idea.

Having said all that, at least you're writing, so don't get discouraged. Keep writing. Some of my older works (no longer posted on Lit) weren't all that great either, but with practice and determination (and some feedback from other jerks like me), they improved.

 

[Maggierock]

Thanks very much. I appreciate your time and helpful suggestions If I write any more I will certainly use your feedback.

 

[TheRedChamber]

I agree with what Mastered_again said. There was recently a competiton for writing 750 word stories (the minimum Literotica allows) and there were some good stories at that length, but this feels like it needs developing a lot more and needs to be at least twice as long to cover the basics. The main problem, I think, is that it is quite anonymous. We don't really get a sense of who the main character is and we don't get any kind of proper description of the guy. There's no real reason for them to start to have sex. She presumably thinks he's hot, but it's not stated directly. I'm also confused about what kind of train they are on, possibly because I'm not from that region of the world - a bench is mentioned and blankets and pillows, so I'm guessing it's overnight, but I'm also not sure how close the other sleeping passengers are and what the dangers of discovery are. It doesn't help that you only have four sentences of dialogue although I've written dialogue-lite stories before.

I'd echo the comment about not being discouraged. There are the beginings of a good story, but I think you need to develop a bit more of a voice as a write and maybe look at things from the reader's perspective a bit more.

 

[Maggierock]

I suppose I was taught by a professor from the school of being succinct and not wasting any words. It's amusing that the incident occurred as written except for the sex. I was in fact stupid enough to go to a bar and leave my luggage in care of a complete stranger. I thought I needed to explain how I ended up in his seat. I was rushing to get it written before I chickened out. Valuable feedback if I continue to write.

 

[ElectricBlue]

The thing about erotica flash fiction, which this is a go at, is that a very short story: a) can't tell a long story; and b) won't be long enough to arouse. Which is the main point of erotica.

So what you have to do is tell a tiny story, a vignette, a moment, which is titillating in itself but holds a promise of so much more.

TheRedChamber mentioned the 750 Word Anthologies, which have excellent examples of what can be done in very few words.

Check out my https://literotica.com/s/a-girl-on-the-bus as an example

 

[4yourpleasureiam]

Can I get some feedback on my first story?

Wrote feedback on your story site. Lovely story I suggested an addition for future. Love

 

[gunhilltrain]

I suppose I was taught by a professor from the school of being succinct and not wasting any words. It's amusing that the incident occurred as written except for the sex. I was in fact stupid enough to go to a bar and leave my luggage in care of a complete stranger. I thought I needed to explain how I ended up in his seat. I was rushing to get it written before I chickened out. Valuable feedback if I continue to write.

Well, first of all maybe you should ignore what your professor said. Who was this person anyway and what do they know about writing? Being succinct should be by your definition of it, not somebody else's.

Secondly, don't rush it, and don't worry about chickening out. Whatever you have to write about is surely not beyond what is already on this site. Take your time and think about what you want to do. Come back to it after a few days and consider what you have done already. You are likely to notice that some new plot points or dialogue that you haven't thought of before will work.