Can BDSM be completely nonsexual?

[Kind der Nacht]

A friend of mine is engaged is BDSM acts with some of her other friend and people she meets online and she is in a long term relationship and has not told her boy friend anything about what she is doing. She says its nonsexual so its not cheating.
I am married and me and my wife are both into BDSM but we would never engage in BDSM acts without the others promotion let alone with out even consulting each other. My friend was very upset that this was my opinion so i was wondering what people on here thought.
Am I just an ultraconservative or is BDSM a sexual act and there for cheating?

 

[CutieMouse]

Yes there are people who do BDSM without actual sex involved. Service submissives, etc. Some people feel as long as penetration does not occur, it isn't sex - which means flogging, spanking, bondage (and all sorts of activities that might turn them on), aren't technically sexual acts.

As to cheating... that depends on what her definition of cheating is, but IMO, if you're doing something with someone other than your partner, and you are hiding that fact from your partner... you're cheating. Personally, I extend this to emotional fidelity, as well as physical fidelity, but I'm a seriously monogomous hardass that way.

 

[ecstaticsub]

A friend of mine is engaged is BDSM acts with some of her other friend and people she meets online and she is in a long term relationship and has not told her boy friend anything about what she is doing. She says its nonsexual so its not cheating.
I am married and me and my wife are both into BDSM but we would never engage in BDSM acts without the others promotion let alone with out even consulting each other. My friend was very upset that this was my opinion so i was wondering what people on here thought.
Am I just an ultraconservative or is BDSM a sexual act and there for cheating?

Yes, I suppose BDSM can be non-sexual, but I still would tell my SO about it. The real question is whether or not her boyfriend would think it was cheating. My husband knows and approves of my D/s relationship with my Daddy. We never have any secrets from each other--sexual or otherwise.

But that's my marriage. Everyone handle their significant relationships different. Even if she considered it cheating, that's her choice. It is up to her to deal with any consequences.

 

[caela]

...Am I just an ultraconservative or is BDSM a sexual act and there for cheating?

I personally don't think that BDSM has to be an inherantly sexual act. I'm not in a serious relationship myself and so my "activities" are limited to play with friends that almost never culminates in a sexual act.

That said I still think your friend is cheating because she is lying to her boyfriend about what she's doing. The fact that she feels the need to actively hide it from him sounds like she knows she's doing something wrong. She might not be cheating physically but emotionally and mentally she is way out of bounds.

 

[vffan]

My question is why she hasn't told her boyfriend. If she doesn't consider it cheating and it's part of who she is, then why hide it? Is she afraid he will see it as cheating? If that is the case then she shouldn't be doing it while she is with him. Is she afraid of what he might think of her? If that is the case then she shouldn't be with him at all.

i can see where BDSM can be construed as non-sexual in some aspects, but i think that has a lot to do with how you feel about it. For example, just giving servitude may turn you on, even though nothing comes from it. And really, that would just leave me frustrated. PO though.

 

[HottieMama]

D/s can be non-sexual, but "BDSM acts" are inherently sexual to me.

Like the posters above me have said, if she's not telling her boyfriend....she knows it is wrong.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

i agree with what everyone else has said, especially hottiemama D/s could very well be without sex, BUT it's still wrong if the boyfriend does not know what's going on..she's still doing it behind his back. but it's also something she has to deal with, the consequences are hers and no one else's. if it were my friend i guess i'd be supportive of her anyway even though i thought she was doing wrong...'cause well i just don't see it as my place to say anything *shrugs*

 

[Softouch911]

I'm not sure what you mean by "sexual." If you mean copulation ... then of course it doesn't have to go there. But if you mean erotic, I don't see how you can avoid it. Isn't a standard definition of dominant/submissive and top/bottom about finding arousal in controlling or giving control? For me, that means it's all about sex, whatever else happens, or doesn't happen.

And I don't know what you mean about cheating, but for me the emotional component is even more important than the sexual element ... if you include "arousal," especially. And if I were engaged in activity that involved an emotional "connection" with another person -- the cyber equivalent of starry eyes and holding hands and lusting across the table by candlelight -- I'd call it cheating.

Finally, if she doesn't want to tell her SO about it, why wouldn't it be cheating? I'm not telling my girl that I'm writing this post because she wouldn't be interested. But if I have a harmless little cuppa coffee with that brunette barista at Starbucks on her break, I think I'll mention that. Not because I'd get "caught" but because I dont' want to cheat.

Strike 3.

On the other hand, cheat all you want, I don't care. Why not admit it and enjoy it? Forbidden fruit is the sweetest, n'est-ce pas?

It's really pretty simple, isn't it?

Respectfully,
ST

 

[VelvetDarkness]

You don't say whether she has actually broached the subject of BDSM with her boyfriend and been refused. If she finds it easier to step outside her relationship to get her kicks rather than be honest with her boyfriend about what she wants, that to me is either cowardly or supremely lazy. How much value does she place on her relationship?

If she does truly love her boyfriend she needs to think about whether her 'nonsexual' kink sessions are worth the potential cost of lying to her boyfriend, betraying his trust and losing him as a result.

She's playing a dangerous game that few people win. Whether she's actually having sex or not isn't the issue, she knows she's lying and breaking his trust. Where does this guy think she is while she's getting spanked by somebody else? The deceit is potentially more damaging itself than the 'nonsexual BDSM' that she's using it to cover up.

 

[Kind der Nacht]

My friend has never brought it up with her boy friend and she is currently out of state living at a 24/7 BDSM house a dominatrix she met online runs for the next nine days. So yeah definitely cheating.
I understand that BDSM does not necessarily have to involve sex as in penetration but it seems to me that the innate intimacy of a Dom/sub relationship and of taking/receiving pain would still make sexual.