WriterDom
Good to the last drop
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2000
- Posts
- 20,077
A TRUE STORY by W. Bruce Cameron
> >
> > Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what
> > happened:
> >
> > Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
> > "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his
> > room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
> > "Oldest trick in the book, son," I informed him. "You go in to see
> > what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you
> > and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and
> > escape."
> > "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best hamster-healer
> > expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the
> > little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I
> > immediately knew what to do. Call the professional. "Honey, come look at
> > the hamster!"
> > "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
> > babies!"
> > "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
> >
> > I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
> > didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
> > "Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she
> > inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
> > "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, in my
> > most loving, calm, sweet voice.
> > "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
> > "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys," she informed
> > me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
> > By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going
> > on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to
> > be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the
> > miracle of birth."
> > "Oh, gross,!" they shrieked.
> > We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
> > tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We
> > don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
> > "A breech birth," my wife whispered, horrified.
> > "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
> > "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when
> > it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried
> > again, with the same results.
> > "Should I dial 911?" my daughter wanted to know, "maybe they could
> > talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with my females?)
> > "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
> > with my son holding the cage in his lap.
> > "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
> > "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
> > can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one
> > thing, but this boy is "of her womb," for God's sake.)
> > The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
> > little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, an
> > epidermal?" I suggested scientifically.
> > "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
> > speak to you privately for a moment?"
> > I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to
> > be okay?" my wife asked.
> > "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor.
> > In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen ... Ernie is a boy."
> > "What!?"
> > "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come
> > into maturity, male hamsters will, master, er, er, ah..." He blushed,
> > glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
> > We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just ... just ...
> > excited?" my wife offered.
> > "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
> > More silence.
> > Then my viscous, cruel woman started to giggle. And giggle. And
> > then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, Tears were now
> > running down her face..... "Just ..... that I'm picturing you pulling
> > on its ... its ... teeny little ....." she gasped for more air to bellow
> > in laughter once more.
> > "That's enough," I warned.
> > We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and
> > our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
> > "I know Ernie is really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
> >
> > "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as
> > I gave her a dirty look. (And women have the gall to go though the
> > marriage ceremony with a completely straight face. It's scary.)
> >
> >
>
> >
> > Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what
> > happened:
> >
> > Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
> > "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his
> > room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
> > "Oldest trick in the book, son," I informed him. "You go in to see
> > what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you
> > and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and
> > escape."
> > "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best hamster-healer
> > expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the
> > little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I
> > immediately knew what to do. Call the professional. "Honey, come look at
> > the hamster!"
> > "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
> > babies!"
> > "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
> >
> > I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
> > didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
> > "Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she
> > inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
> > "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, in my
> > most loving, calm, sweet voice.
> > "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
> > "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys," she informed
> > me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
> > By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going
> > on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to
> > be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the
> > miracle of birth."
> > "Oh, gross,!" they shrieked.
> > We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
> > tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We
> > don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
> > "A breech birth," my wife whispered, horrified.
> > "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
> > "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when
> > it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried
> > again, with the same results.
> > "Should I dial 911?" my daughter wanted to know, "maybe they could
> > talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with my females?)
> > "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
> > with my son holding the cage in his lap.
> > "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
> > "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
> > can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one
> > thing, but this boy is "of her womb," for God's sake.)
> > The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
> > little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, an
> > epidermal?" I suggested scientifically.
> > "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
> > speak to you privately for a moment?"
> > I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to
> > be okay?" my wife asked.
> > "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor.
> > In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen ... Ernie is a boy."
> > "What!?"
> > "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come
> > into maturity, male hamsters will, master, er, er, ah..." He blushed,
> > glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
> > We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just ... just ...
> > excited?" my wife offered.
> > "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
> > More silence.
> > Then my viscous, cruel woman started to giggle. And giggle. And
> > then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, Tears were now
> > running down her face..... "Just ..... that I'm picturing you pulling
> > on its ... its ... teeny little ....." she gasped for more air to bellow
> > in laughter once more.
> > "That's enough," I warned.
> > We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and
> > our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
> > "I know Ernie is really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
> >
> > "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as
> > I gave her a dirty look. (And women have the gall to go though the
> > marriage ceremony with a completely straight face. It's scary.)
> >
> >
>
