But it was okay...

[justfuckmenow]

This is a poem I wrote about an experience I had in Italy.



I was eighteen
He was
Forty-eight
But it was okay
Because he complimented me

It hurt
And he wouldn’t stop
Or even slow down
But it was okay
Because the first time’s supposed to hurt anyway

I never said yes
Just
“I don’t know”
But it was okay
Because I went back to him

He pulled down my shirt
In front of other people
I wanted to hit him
But it was okay
Because I didn’t

He kissed my best friend
In front of me
And fucked her when I wasn’t around
But it was okay
Because she told me

He promised to be my boyfriend
When he visited in July
Right after he promised the same to my friend
But it was okay
Because I found out

I was the trophy girl
Who kept being hurt
Because she didn’t know any better
But it was okay
Because I ignored reality

Besides, I came back
I didn’t stop him
I collaborated in it all
But it wasn’t okay
Because it was rape




Comments?

 

[BooMerengue]

This is what I DON'T like about this place. 16 people have looked at it, It was placed here for comment, which is supposed to be what this little corner is about. and nobody says a word.

This is not a bad poem but either is it a great poem. It is a bit repititious. Can you find away to maybe make your lines longer, or maybe leave out some of the verses to create a better(stronger) impact?

Just keep writing. Thats what counts.

Boo

 

[unpredictablebijou]

This is what I DON'T like about this place. 16 people have looked at it, It was placed here for comment, which is supposed to be what this little corner is about. and nobody says a word.

This is not a bad poem but either is it a great poem. It is a bit repititious. Can you find away to maybe make your lines longer, or maybe leave out some of the verses to create a better(stronger) impact?

Just keep writing. Thats what counts.

Boo

I just like a little time to think before I form opinions, that's all. But here I go, forming an opinion now.

When a poem "tells a story" it needs to have just as much impact as the poems that just show an image or express a moment in time, and that's a tough challenge. This seems to me to be one of those pieces where your original framework (the repetition of the "okay" line and the contrast at the end) may have seemed like the most important part to you, but in editing it may disappear entirely. That's where that 'show, don't tell' thing comes in.

You're at your best here when you're giving a clear image, rather than a narration. For example "he kissed my best friend in front of me" and "he pulled down my shirt" are distinct images, but "he complimented me" is vague, and "I was the trophy girl" just tells us something, but doesn't show us a picture we can participate in.

I wouldn't edit this; if it were mine I'd write a couple more pieces, just using the actual vivid details, telling the story, and trusting the reader to draw the proper conclusions. Sorta like:

In the afternoon sun
he looked closer to my age
and of course
he told me I had beautiful hair.

When he pulled up my shirt
in front of his friends
and kissed that other girl
and made me watch
I didn't hit him

Did I want it? did I
collaborate
when I said "I don't know"
and he took it as yes
and wouldn't stop
slamming his half-hard
cock into me,
wouldn't slow down
even though
it hurt?




like that, kinda. See what I mean? Your audience can figure out what's going on, what's okay and what's not, and you don't have to tell them.

hope that helps
bj

 

[Angeline]

This is a poem I wrote about an experience I had in Italy.



I was eighteen
He was
Forty-eight
But it was okay
Because he complimented me

It hurt
And he wouldn’t stop
Or even slow down
But it was okay
Because the first time’s supposed to hurt anyway

I never said yes
Just
“I don’t know”
But it was okay
Because I went back to him

He pulled down my shirt
In front of other people
I wanted to hit him
But it was okay
Because I didn’t

He kissed my best friend
In front of me
And fucked her when I wasn’t around
But it was okay
Because she told me

He promised to be my boyfriend
When he visited in July
Right after he promised the same to my friend
But it was okay
Because I found out

I was the trophy girl
Who kept being hurt
Because she didn’t know any better
But it was okay
Because I ignored reality

Besides, I came back
I didn’t stop him
I collaborated in it all
But it wasn’t okay
Because it was rape




Comments?

It sounds to me as if you're just beginning to explore this experience with poetry. I bet you have a lot more to say. Your conflict shows throughout the poem. Keep writing and you will get to the heart of what you want to say.

 

[WickedEve]

I don't like to make negative comments when a poem is about personal tragedy. I have read poems about a mother's death, about abuse, etc. Intense subject matter doesn't necessarily make a good poem. A poem can be about a zipper or a peanut and be excellent. It's all in how the poet handles it -- and skill and talent.

First, I would not end this poem with "Because it was rape." As a reader, I want to come to my own conclusion, which I did. It sounds more like a man taking advantage of a naive girl and not rape. I could be totally wrong but that's what I'm getting from the poem.

In your poem, you're telling me everything. You're spilling all the details. This happened, then this happened, then my friend did this and he did that and on and on. You know what might make a good poem? Trying focusing on one moment. Maybe when he complimented you. How did it make you feel, what did he say, what sights and sounds and scents were present during the time? What was he wearing and how did he look at you, etc.

I do appreciate you sharing and it's not a bad poem. I'm sure it's good therapy for you. If you're really interested in writing poetry and you learn more about the craft, you'll realize that there is so much more you can do with all those words in your head.

 

[champagne1982]

This is what I DON'T like about this place. 16 people have looked at it, It was placed here for comment, which is supposed to be what this little corner is about. and nobody says a word.

This is not a bad poem but either is it a great poem. It is a bit repititious. Can you find away to maybe make your lines longer, or maybe leave out some of the verses to create a better(stronger) impact?

Just keep writing. Thats what counts.

Boo

But one thing I love about this place is that people can choose not to comment. In God's truth, I haven't read the poem all the way through, should I comment? I feel better about silence.