But Eb, don't you think Dommes have it a little too easy?

[WriterDom]

Like you said, well, perhaps in different words, but when you meet a sub, it’s either your way or the highway. He knows he can be discarded as easily as a banana peeling, and there is probably at least a handful of subs waiting in the ranks to take his place.

I think male and female subs have one thing in common. A need and want to please. But few female subs are going to stick around very long if the Dom has a “My way or the highway” attitude from the get go. I think it takes more work to train a new female sub. Not so much with punishment, while punishment does have a place, but more with positive reinforcement. As compared to a male sub who is already expected to jump through any hoop you raise.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Originally posted by WriterDom
But few female subs are going to stick around very long if the Dom has a “My way or the highway” attitude from the get go. I think it takes more work to train a new female sub.

That is not my problem or my fault. First of all, it is not easy because you have to spend a tremendous amount of time and energy separating the wheat from the chaff. I have posted that out of 10 potentials only one is worthy of getting to know better.

Maybe male Doms ought to take more time to talk to potential subs before playing with them. Sex is too much of an issue in male Dom/ female sub relationships.

Hey, I like sex just as much as you do, I just do not let my need to get off interfere with my goal. My goal is to find a quality male submissive, not to have sex. It is a lot like shopping for groceries when you are hungry. Just do not do it! You will regret it.

Not so much with punishment, while punishment does have a place, but more with positive reinforcement.

What are you saying here, WD? How do you know I do not reinforce behavior? Why do you think I do not have to punish my subs? They do what I tell them, and they also know how to meet my requirements, without me telling them what to do over and over again.

They want to serve.

As compared to a male sub who is already expected to jump through any hoop you raise.

Again, on what basis do you make that insulting comment?

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

I think male and female subs have one thing in common. A need and want to please.

I have to disagree with you again, WD. I am not interested in female subs so I do not address their needs.

But in my world, I find that the more successful relationships I have are not based on the need to please. It is based on the need to SERVE.

I am more interested in a potential submissive's need to serve.

Eb

 

[WriterDom]

Re: Re: But Eb, don't you think Dommes have it a little too easy?

[As compared to a male sub who is already expected to jump through any hoop you raise.

Again, on what basis do you make that insulting comment?

Eb

Who am I insulting?

 

[WriterDom]

Re: Re: But Eb, don't you think Dommes have it a little too easy?

But in my world, I find that the more successful relationships I have are not based on the need to please. It is based on the need to SERVE.

I am more interested in a potential submissive's need to serve.

Eb

That's my point. With a female, you may have to cultivate the need to SERVE.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Re: But Eb, don't you think Dommes have it a little too easy?

That's my point. With a female, you may have to cultivate the need to SERVE.

But that does not mean finding and training a submissive is easier for Dommes who prefer male subs. It is just different, because of the different natures of each sex.


Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Re: But Eb, don't you think Dommes have it a little too easy?

Who am I insulting?

Both a male sub and his Domme. You are making an assumption that a male sub is willing to jump through hoops that a Domme sets before them. That is not the nature of a power exchange.


Eb

 

[WriterDom]

Well, finding what YOU want isn't easy, I'll argee with you there.

 

[Ebonyfire]

My name is in this thread

And when someone posts my name in a thread, I take it personally.

Eb

 

[P. B. Walker]

Generalizations never really work. They usually just make you feel better (or worse) about yourself.

PBW

 

[Ebonyfire]

Generalizations never really work. They usually just make you feel better (or worse) about yourself.

PBW

let me generalize about your ass, PBW.

It is generally fine, and I want it.

Eb

 

[P. B. Walker]

let me generalize about your ass, PBW.

It is generally fine, and I want it.

Eb

DOHHHHh.... ok... well that generalization made us both feel good... I think. Anytime someone makes a good comment about my fat ass, I have to feel good. LOL.

PBW

 

[Ebonyfire]

DOHHHHh.... ok... well that generalization made us both feel good... I think. Anytime someone makes a good comment about my fat ass, I have to feel good. LOL.

PBW

Oh yeah, it is definitely phat!

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

And speaking of labels..

I would just like to slap a USDA Choice label on your ass, PBW.

Hijack over!

Eb

 

[Hecate]

Being a Domme myself , let me throw in a few words

I am not Ebonyfire, and I am well aware that her and my style of dealing with male subs may be different, just as much as my and any other Domme's style of being with a female sub may be different from mine.

I do assume, from all I have heard (as I will not likely ever experience how it is to be a male Dom), that the flow in the dynamics with male Dominants involved is different than what female Dominants desire. One thing I definitely DO know though is that male and female submissives seek different things and thus respond different to same treatment and circumstances.

Now - my way or the highway .... is that not in some way the base of all power exchange relations?
After all aren't we Dominants supposed to know what we want and GET it?
How can we maintain our air of decisiveness and control if we are not willing to stick to our word and will!?
How can our subs trust and rely on us if we do not stick to our own way, if they do not know that we mean what we say, that we want, what we say, and that we are willing to exercise that control that makes the fascination we hold for them?
And is not after all a true sub seeking dominance and the chance to put him/herself behind another?
Are we maybe even cheating our submissives if we are too lenient? Are we depriving them of the full experience if we more or less become service Dominants to cater only to the "passiveness" and sensation-craves of our submissives?

I definitely am not one to simply discard a human being that has placed trust and devotion into me - but there need to be lines and boundaries that must be respected but just as much must be stuck to by me.

And last but not least - if I am not getting my needs met as a Dominant, then I can not fully cherish the gift of submission given to me by that specific person, so is it not more caring to set them free to find a relation where it is more appreciated what they have to give? Don't I actually own them that much? Don't I own them to be "predictable", to make it clear what the consequences are for not sticking to what the deal was?

If the deal was to develop a caring loving long term relation with lots of emotion and a shiny happy future then of course that has to be treated differently than a "this is your place - at my feet - that is where you want to be and where I will keep you. You came to serve and were accepted under that condition. You asked me to make the decisions and you agreed to do what I tell you"- deal.

Again, at least for me "my way or the highway" is base line for the BDSM-only kind of relations, the "non love and happily ever after" ones, where the area of interaction is clearly lined out. This does not mean I "hire and fire" lightheartedly and without consideration, but after all it is a "get-together" of two people to meet their compementary needs.

One last PS: any sub, male or female, that simply "jumps the hoop" for any Dominant is not what I seek. I want to enjoy my time and passion with someone who equals the intensity of my needs, who mirrors my understanding and who comes in the knowledge of what they expect from such a "deal".

It is different from the relations that emotionally are touching me deeply, where the person's soul, heart and spirit is the foremost focus of my passion and desires, and BDSM the icing on the cake.

 

[P. B. Walker]

Great post Hecate.

PBW

 

[Gorath_00]

Totally agrees with P. B. Excellent post.

 

[SexyChele]

Okay, admittedly a sub here, but I was struck by something.

Over the past few months, I've been reading almost everything Ebonyfire has posted because, quite frankly, the type of relationships she engages in with her subs is fascinating to me. (Fascinating in the way that I'm curious about them and want to learn more) From what she has stated in the past, she gets quite a few inquiries from men who want to be her "sub". She has outlined for us several times that she goes through an intensive screening process because the majority of the men who approach her do not suit her needs.

My opinion would be this: as a general rule, isn't safe to say that men are more open to different types of sexual experiences? I mean, if you look in the 'nilla world, if a man is in a bar and a half-way decent woman proposes some sort of sexual activity, he's more than likely to go for it. A woman in the same situation, being approached by a man, might be a little more hesitant.

From what I've seen - and I've had submissive men approach me, and I have no Domme tendencies whatsoever - men are more willing to "jump into" a sexual situation they are curious about or that they find exciting. And they are more willing to engage in these situations without the benefit of a close relationship. I think that is why you find more "service" subs among males - the ability to satisfy a need, possibly sexual, but without always having to be in a "relationship". (And, yes, Eb I understand that your subs are committed to you as a Domme, and that is a type of relationship, but they have other relationships outside of what they have with you. Is that correct?)

I think it is more in the nature of a woman to hold back and take stock of a situation before jumping into it.

I've long figured out that if I were to place ads online asking for submissive men, I would be inundated with emails. I don't think that there is a tremendous number of male subs. (Might be wrong here) But I do think men are more willing to take chances and just "go for it" if sex - in any way - is involved.

Just my .02 worth, as I am not a Domme.

(But I do have to say that I like Hecate's explanation!)

 

[Gorath_00]

Okay, admittedly a sub here, but I was struck by something.

Over the past few months, I've been reading almost everything Ebonyfire has posted because, quite frankly, the type of relationships she engages in with her subs is fascinating to me. (Fascinating in the way that I'm curious about them and want to learn more) From what she has stated in the past, she gets quite a few inquiries from men who want to be her "sub". She has outlined for us several times that she goes through an intensive screening process because the majority of the men who approach her do not suit her needs.

My opinion would be this: as a general rule, isn't safe to say that men are more open to different types of sexual experiences? I mean, if you look in the 'nilla world, if a man is in a bar and a half-way decent woman proposes some sort of sexual activity, he's more than likely to go for it. A woman in the same situation, being approached by a man, might be a little more hesitant.

From what I've seen - and I've had submissive men approach me, and I have no Domme tendencies whatsoever - men are more willing to "jump into" a sexual situation they are curious about or that they find exciting. And they are more willing to engage in these situations without the benefit of a close relationship. I think that is why you find more "service" subs among males - the ability to satisfy a need, possibly sexual, but without always having to be in a "relationship". (And, yes, Eb I understand that your subs are committed to you as a Domme, and that is a type of relationship, but they have other relationships outside of what they have with you. Is that correct?)

I think it is more in the nature of a woman to hold back and take stock of a situation before jumping into it.

I've long figured out that if I were to place ads online asking for submissive men, I would be inundated with emails. I don't think that there is a tremendous number of male subs. (Might be wrong here) But I do think men are more willing to take chances and just "go for it" if sex - in any way - is involved.

Just my .02 worth, as I am not a Domme.

(But I do have to say that I like Hecate's explanation!)

As a guy, we think with our other head. The one without the brain. If sex is involved, most guys go for it. I know I would (unless I was involved with someone)...

 

[rosco rathbone]

What is wrong with a "My way or the highway" attitude? I think it shows excellent self-respect and self-confidence.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Being a Domme myself , let me throw in a few words

I am not Ebonyfire, and I am well aware that her and my style of dealing with male subs may be different, just as much as my and any other Domme's style of being with a female sub may be different from mine.

I do assume, from all I have heard (as I will not likely ever experience how it is to be a male Dom), that the flow in the dynamics with male Dominants involved is different than what female Dominants desire. One thing I definitely DO know though is that male and female submissives seek different things and thus respond different to same treatment and circumstances.

Now - my way or the highway .... is that not in some way the base of all power exchange relations?
After all aren't we Dominants supposed to know what we want and GET it?
How can we maintain our air of decisiveness and control if we are not willing to stick to our word and will!?
How can our subs trust and rely on us if we do not stick to our own way, if they do not know that we mean what we say, that we want, what we say, and that we are willing to exercise that control that makes the fascination we hold for them?
And is not after all a true sub seeking dominance and the chance to put him/herself behind another?
Are we maybe even cheating our submissives if we are too lenient? Are we depriving them of the full experience if we more or less become service Dominants to cater only to the "passiveness" and sensation-craves of our submissives?

I definitely am not one to simply discard a human being that has placed trust and devotion into me - but there need to be lines and boundaries that must be respected but just as much must be stuck to by me.

And last but not least - if I am not getting my needs met as a Dominant, then I can not fully cherish the gift of submission given to me by that specific person, so is it not more caring to set them free to find a relation where it is more appreciated what they have to give? Don't I actually own them that much? Don't I own them to be "predictable", to make it clear what the consequences are for not sticking to what the deal was?

If the deal was to develop a caring loving long term relation with lots of emotion and a shiny happy future then of course that has to be treated differently than a "this is your place - at my feet - that is where you want to be and where I will keep you. You came to serve and were accepted under that condition. You asked me to make the decisions and you agreed to do what I tell you"- deal.

Again, at least for me "my way or the highway" is base line for the BDSM-only kind of relations, the "non love and happily ever after" ones, where the area of interaction is clearly lined out. This does not mean I "hire and fire" lightheartedly and without consideration, but after all it is a "get-together" of two people to meet their compementary needs.

One last PS: any sub, male or female, that simply "jumps the hoop" for any Dominant is not what I seek. I want to enjoy my time and passion with someone who equals the intensity of my needs, who mirrors my understanding and who comes in the knowledge of what they expect from such a "deal".

It is different from the relations that emotionally are touching me deeply, where the person's soul, heart and spirit is the foremost focus of my passion and desires, and BDSM the icing on the cake.

As usual, you hit the nail on the head. Excellent post. I personally do not have the patience or inclination to be as comprehensive.

Ebony

 

[Ebonyfire]

My opinion would be this: as a general rule, isn't safe to say that men are more open to different types of sexual experiences?

I just have to say, that the majority of male subs I encounter are not looking for sex. They are looking to serve.

But can female subs say the same? I think not.

Eb

 

[lovetoread]

I just have to say, that the majority of male subs I encounter are not looking for sex. They are looking to serve.

But can female subs say the same? I think not.

Eb

All female subs look for sex?

 

[Ebonyfire]

All female subs look for sex?

Did I say "all"?

But to answer, read the posts, they almost always talk about sexual satisfaction and release.

Eb

 

[lovetoread]

Did I say "all"?

But to answer, read the posts, they almost always talk about sexual satisfaction and release.

Eb

No, I was just wondering. No offense meant.

Its curious to me that sex is a major part of it. The male subs dont always get sex?

Yes, when I am doing anything like this, I want sex. It seems natural. I admit it.