bringing out the dominant in a woman

[crazyivan]

Ok, here is the thing. My Girlfriend and me have talked about our fantasys a lot. I have told her that i am submissive and she has said that she is dominant. But I can't seem to bring the dominant out of her. It feels like I am the one who is in control, if I am always telling her what I want her to do. I do want to tell her my fantasys, but I want her to take more control. I want her to do what she wants as well.

Does anyone have any ideas how I can bring more of the dominant out in her?? Any Advice would be much appreciated.

Ivan

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Ok, here is the thing. My Girlfriend and me have talked about our fantasys a lot. I have told her that i am submissive and she has said that she is dominant. But I can't seem to bring the dominant out of her. It feels like [u[I am the one who is in control[/u], if I am always telling her what I want her to do. I do want to tell her my fantasys, but I want her to take more control. I want her to do what she wants as well.

Does anyone have any ideas how I can bring more of the dominant out in her?? Any Advice would be much appreciated.

Ivan

The underscores are mine, for emphasis. Notice a common thread? "I can't seem..." "I am the one..." "I am always telling her..." "I want her to..." "I want her to..."

What does she want? Have you talked to her about that? I don't know how many times I've said it here, and other places: Communicate. Talk about what each of you wants. Then communicate some more. Talk about how the two of you can accomplish the things you both want, and what both of you hope to gain from those things. Then communicate some more, damnit! She has to know what she wants, and why working together in this format will give that to her, and you have to understand that until she knows and understands that, she will not be able to bring her dominance out. You can't do it. Only she can bring her dominant side to the fore.

The only way that she will be able to know and understand that is if you and she ... you guessed it ... communicate.

 

[Desdemona]

If you want to feel submissive, you must allow her to take control. Otherwise, you're topping from the bottom. It's hard to learn to not try and force things.... esp when the sub in you is crying out for some fun. She has to take things at her own speed and you have to accept and support that as she figures her role out.

That said, the above advice about communication can't be over-emphasized. It's the true foundation for a relationship of any kind. Good luck.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Re: Re: bringing out the dominant in a woman

What does she want? Have you talked to her about that? I don't know how many times I've said it here, and other places: Communicate. Talk about what each of you wants. Then communicate some more.

Ka-ching ... Keep it up and they'll think we're clones.

 

[crazyivan]

thank you for the advice

 

[Sir_Winston54]

thank you for the advice

You're very welcome, Ivan. Feel free to browse the forum - especially the library and the other sticky threads - you'll find a wealth of information that may help you - and her - find what you (both) are looking for. If you don't find something, feel free to ask again. The people here are very willing to share their experiences, knowledge and opinions.
Just remember, though, to take no one person's word as gospel - even mine - because every relationship is different, to some degree, from every other relationship. The reason we emphasize communication so much is because that is the best way for you to find what will work for you.

 

[blue kat]

Re: Re: Re: bringing out the dominant in a woman

Ka-ching ... Keep it up and they'll think we're clones.

Y'all are getting scary.. Stop that!

Tell her your fantasies; we're not psychic. Then ask her to help you fulfill them. This "i want, i want, i want." thing is damned annoying.

Have you read anything that really gets your submissive juices going? One of the young men I regularly "work with" reads ton's of sf&f; he then writes book reports for me, telling me what made him hot and what didn't. Recently, I sent him to the used book store for some Bodice Ripper style romances, he then rewrote the sex scenes from a female superior direction. It was very revealing, on many levels.

Think about what movies or tv shows turn you on. Share them with her, telling her how and why it works for you. Just saying "Dominate me!" or "I want (those words again!) you to be more dominant." does NOTHING to help. Do you want to be tied up, raped, beaten, trampled or humiliated? If it is beating, do you want to be spanked, flogged, caned, strapped, or rulered (nun style)? Are strap-ons your kink? Are you into cross dressing, forced or voluntary? Is humilation play your thing? Do you want to be a pet, an animal, a body slave or what?

How about if you google for a limit list or something, go through the list, see what you like and take it to her? Or even, hip hop over to the bdsm stories, bookmark the ones that turn you on and mail them to her.

Then be patient. Sounds like she's new to this too. Give her time to process your requests and reconcile them with her own desires. When I first discovered that I like to beat my lovers, hurt them in all sorts of delicious ways, it took me some time and gentle experimentation to come to terms with my dark side.

 

[ethereal~minx]

I think she must feel comfortable with her own fantasies to allow you to expand them and bring them to life and only then will she be able to add yours to the mix~~ she must learn to trust in herself enough to allow you inside her mind first~~

I am only now comfortable with the thought of allowing a alpha-submissive inside of my 'world' ~~ I am comfortable with my boundaries, I know what I like and I want a participant to bring my fantasies to 'fantasy' & not just fantasy life. In the course of meeting my desires, the alpha-submissive's desires will be considered, and will only reside in mine to the extent they fit... and in a relationship most of them surely will.... *grin*

and of course, knowing what you like and being specific ---in communication-- only helps it along for the both of you.