Break it off with him

[center_stage]

I have made the decision to break it off with my boyfriend. He doesn't care about my needs, feelings, or me. For example, Saturday was my half birthday; I know, not a big deal at all, but all my coworkers were celebrating because they felt bad about missing my original birthday due to urgent store matters. My BF knew that it was my half birthday, and to be honest, I was kind of expecting a little something just because he knows that I was excited about it because it was making me feel better than I have in a long time. Also, when it was his birthday, he made a big "to do" about it and I went out of my way to give him a great birthday. So when I came into work I saw him and he said, "Happy Half Birthday." My co worker asked him where my gift was, and he said, "It's a surprise." About two hours later, he tosses me a Verizon Store bag with a t-shirt in it that they were giving out free on the corner. It really upset me because he knows that I have been having a tough time lately, and that I was looking forward to this cheering me up. But anway, the thing is, I have never had a boyfriend before and am not quite sure how to break it off.

I have tried to ignore him for the past couple days, but he works where I work so it's very hard, because he comes up to me, and he needs to ask me a question that I'll need to answer. I have also tried saying, "Please don't bother me, I really don't want to talk to you right now because I'm upset with you." He ignores everything I say and continues talking like nothing is wrong.

I have brought up the issues that we have many times to him, but he just tends to shrug everything off, and always fails to take me seriously. I have explained to him that I don't feel like he is giving, and he is always taking and that I am putting much more effort into our relationship then he is, and he doesn't see anything wrong with that.

I am really trying to break it off with him because this is an emotionally abusive relationship and I can't deal with that right now because of the stress of school, work, and life in general. I have tried talking to him about it in person, over the phone, nothing works. The next thing I am thinking of doing is writing him a letter so it will sink in. I get barely any alone time with him because he's never available, and I try calling him on his phone and he never answers. I don't want to do this at work because I feel that it is inappropriate, and I don't want to cry in front of my co workers (yet again).

How do I break it off with him? What do I have to say to make it stick? He never takes anything I say seriously, and it bothers me because I'm trying to get out and he keeps sucking me back in. Should I write him a letter and give it to him so he'll finally understand how I am feeling?

I am not placing all the blame on this not working on him. I too played a part in this because I was a little too eager and kind of rushed the relationship and we went way too fast.

If you could please offer your suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it, because it's tearing me up inside, and I need to figure out how to get out of this before it really messes me up.

 

[human_male]

Well I can see how you'd want to break up with someone who gave you a crappy gift on your half birthday...

If you've said something like "I don't think we should see each other any more outside work." Then that's it, it's over. It doesn't matter if he hasn't listened or taken you seriously, that's all you have to do. You've broken up with him, he doesn't have to acknowlege the fact. You just don't go out with him anymore. Simple. Or phone him or try and get him alone either. Just don't talk to him except where work demands and if he phones you, say something like "I broke up with you. I don't want to talk to you." And hang up. That's it really.

 

[thirty]

Just do it if you really want to break it off with your boyfriend, it's not a easy decision to make, but don't regret that, it may be more painful if you go back.

 

[emap]

If you have already told him you don't want to see him again, do the best possible way to get him to understand this.

Ask your other co workers if they happen to know a single guy friend that you may like and go out with anyone they introduce you to.

Also, if you are friends with any female co workers who are single, go out with them for a single gals night out, and make it a point to discuss what you are going to be doing on your single gals night out, or asking about single guy friends in front of your ex.

Oh and don't date anyone you work with again, always ends badly. About the only time you ever should see someone you work with in the morning, is when you are married to them, and you didn't meet at your current jobs.

 

[jerseyman1963]

From the very brief history of your relationship you've provided, I can see why you want to break up. He sounds very self centered, and not at all interested in or cognizant of your feelings, wants, needs, etc. Applause to you for recognizing that this relationship is not doing it for you any more, that you want more, and thus want out of this one. That's always a tough decision to make, and this being your first BF makes it even harder. With time and experience, however, it'll get easier to assess whether future partners are being a jerk to you or not, and it'll be easier to find the treaures and dump the garbage.

It sounds like you've tried communicating with him about the issues, but he shrugs them off, so you've done your best, and if he's not going to step up to the plate, it's time to hit the eject button.

It sounds like he doesn't take anything you tell him seriously, so he probably won't take this seriously either. However, HE can not suck you back in if you don't want to be sucked back in. If YOU want out, and want something better than this/him, it's up to YOU to deliver the news, and then follow through. In other words, pull the plug, and then be strong.

The fact that you work together is going to make a break up harder. You're going to have to see each other, and you're going to have to interact with each other.

It sounds like he purposely makes himself unavailable to you, so here's what I suggest. I wouldn't do it in a letter. I'd tell him face to face. But if he keeps dodging you, then just leave him a voice mail. If he keeps dodging your calls, then he gets what he deserves - something brief and impersonal.

Just be brief and direct: "This relationship is not doing it for me any more, and I am breaking up with you. I've tried talking about it with you, but you don't seem interested in hearing it or working on it, so I am moving on. I will be respectful at work, and I won't cause any problems for you there, and I hope you'll do the same for me. I had fun for a while, but it's time to move on." And you're done. Don't engage in further conversation, because he'll probably just run you in circles and start confusing you at an emotional moment. Deliver the mail, and get out.

The key is that you're going to have to be strong, stick by your decision, and follow through. In other words, do not allow yourself to get sucked back in. Maybe he is so insensitive that he won't care, and that will be the end of it.

Or maybe when he sees you're serious, he'll "suddenly" have a change of heart. If he does that, be strong, and don't be fooled. We all hope for the best out of our paramours, and it's easy to let hope fool the eye and the heart. Keep in mind that you have seen more than enough to know his true colors, and that he's just playing a game, temporarily cloaking himself in a new disguise that he thinks will trick you again. Don't play that game. Be strong. Remind yourself that you've seen enough to know how this plays out eventually. Move on.

Maybe you want to make plans with friends for a few days in a row so that right after you deliver the news, you have somewhere to go, and something to occupy yourself when you're not working, or someone to help you out during the initial stage when it will be oh so tempting to cave in and go back.

Good luck! Be strong, and this experience will eventually lead you to someone better.

I hope the T-shirt was at least your size. Maybe when it's done you can cut the shirt into little ribbons as a little "it's over" ceremony.

 

[silverwhisper]

CS: is the half-birthday present thing the only example? b/c he clearly felt guilted into getting you something and he obviously resents it.

ed

 

[center_stage]

CS: is the half-birthday present thing the only example? b/c he clearly felt guilted into getting you something and he obviously resents it.

ed

No, that's not the only example. I recently had a very serious breast cancer scare and when I tried to talk to him about it (because I was obviously very scared) he would always change the subject. Also, when my parents were thinking about getting a divorce, I called him, crying because I was so upset and he said, "We have tot alk about this later, because I'm playing Tomb Raider and I'm almost finished." He never called me back. Plus, I invited him to my high school graduation and he didn't come because he forgot even though I had told him about it and given him a ticket as well. I have so many more, but I'm getting myself upset right now so I will stop.

 

[onlyerics]

First of all, Center_stage, I am extremely sorry that you are going through this. You do not deserve to be treated like that.

...it bothers me because I'm trying to get out and he keeps sucking me back in.

What does he say exactly? Does he say that he doesn't want to break up? Or does he act like he's just clueless about everything?

May I suggest that the two of you go to a neutral place (like a coffee shop or a park) to talk about this? It would probably be best to do this after work if you two have the same schedule. That way you wouldn't have to face your co-workers. Just my input.

Take care.

Onlyerics

 

[TBKahuna123]

No, that's not the only example. I recently had a very serious breast cancer scare and when I tried to talk to him about it (because I was obviously very scared) he would always change the subject.

I can kind of unserstand this. For a young man, this might be a situation that he does nto know how to deal with. It's a tough situation and often we guys aren't sure how to deal with those emotions that you are feeling. That doesn't make it right, but it's the turth.

Also, when my parents were thinking about getting a divorce, I called him, crying because I was so upset and he said, "We have tot alk about this later, because I'm playing Tomb Raider and I'm almost finished." He never called me back.

Never mind, forget I said that.

Seriously though, time to move on. He obviously doesn't appreciate you and doesn't have the emotional maturity to give you what you need. You deserve that, everyone does. Breaking up is the hardest thing to do, but it's something you have to do. If your gut is telling you it's time to move on, it is. That's what being young is all about, learning what's right and what you need. Unfortunately you only learn that through heartache.

Good luck to you dear, stay strong amd smile.

 

[silverwhisper]

CS: he's a useless asshole. fuck him. or rather, don't--he's useless.

ed

 

[center_stage]

Thanks for the advice everyone, it has really helped me think about my situation.

Last night I wrote him a 10 page letter and cried the entire time I was writing it. It was such a great release and it (as corny as it sounds) it made my heart feel lighter. I can't wait to see him and give him the letter.

What I'm going to do is give him the letter, and tell him that I don't want to talk to him until he reads it. He can take his time reading it, but I just want him to have a chance to read it and discuss it with me. I made sure to include the fact that I want to talk about this with him because I don't want my letter to feel like it's an attack.

I hope everything goes well when I do this. I don't feel like I am making a mistake, but I have a feeling that this might backfire.

 

[silverwhisper]

please reconsider. i say don't give him a letter. all it will do is make you completely dependent upon his reaction to it. by giving him the letter, you are giving him the power to determine the future of the relationship.

are you sure you want to leave that decision entirely in his hands?

ed

 

[SweetErika]

please reconsider. i say don't give him a letter. all it will do is make you completely dependent upon his reaction to it. by giving him the letter, you are giving him the power to determine the future of the relationship.

are you sure you want to leave that decision entirely in his hands?

ed

I have to agree. I think writing a letter is a great idea, but it'd be best to keep it to remind yourself why you're getting out of this relationship.

Give him your decision verbally, and stick to it. You're pursuing YOUR happiness - it doesn't matter what he thinks or does from that point on. If he changes, great, but let someone else test out those changes. You deserve someone who will try the first or second time you make them aware of a problem, not after they receive a long letter that's meant to end the relationship.

Deliver the news, and move on with your life.

 

[Eilan]

I have to agree. I think writing a letter is a great idea, but it'd be best to keep it to remind yourself why you're getting out of this relationship.

Yeah. And if you keep it, you can eventually burn it when you no longer need reminding.

 

[center_stage]

Silverwhisper, SweetErika, and Eilan, after reading your suggestions I realize that you are right. I shouldn't give it to him. I just need to keep it and read it whenever I get the urge to call him. It's going to be hard until I see him (I'll see him Friday), but I know that I can do it.

 

[Sarojaede]

I don't think you should give him the letter either. For one thing, if he doesn't have enough consideration to stop playing Tomb Raider because you need to talk to him about something important, chances are he won't read a 10-page letter in the first place.

I think writing the letter was a good idea because it gave you a way to get out all you were feeling and thinking. Giving him the letter puts all the control back in his hands.

Tell him that you want to end the relationship, briefly state a few of the reasons why, and then tell him you don't want to have any interaction with him at work unless it deals specifically with work.

 

[lovelorn4u69]

Letter?

A letter ... geez. If you're done, simply tell him and move on. Love and life is what you make it and the drama of how to tie your shoes on this is nuts. Simply say ... hey you uncaring, self-centered ass. I deserve better so later my friend, and then move on and count your blessings. Next time dont rush. You will know it when you find it.

 

[human_male]

Silverwhisper, SweetErika, and Eilan, after reading your suggestions I realize that you are right. I shouldn't give it to him. I just need to keep it and read it whenever I get the urge to call him. It's going to be hard until I see him (I'll see him Friday), but I know that I can do it.

Wow he sure sounds like a winner. How do guys like this get gfs in the first place?

I think it's wise not to give him a letter also. I agree he won't read it and why should you have to worry about how he's going to feel or react? I can't possibly know how you feel or what you're going through but I can't help but feel you're still giving him way too much of yourself and putting way too much into this. You don't need to do anything else. You don't need to talk to him either if you don't want. Just ignore him (don't pointedly ignore him, I realise you still have to work together). I get the feeling he won't care one way or the other, and he probably won't respond or even notice you've stopped calling or talking to him. You don't need to drag it out a second longer.

Anyway I hope you feel better and whatever you do I hope it goes smoothly.

 

[silverwhisper]

i disagree slightly, HM: i think he'll notice when there's suddenly no sex.

ed

 

[human_male]

If you feel you just need closure, there is an ancient custom in my country that allows you to end a relationship simply, and with finality. You just walk up to the person and you say "I break with thee. I break with thee. I break with thee." Then you throw dog poop on their shoeizz. So when my brother and I go to the crazy swinging singles bars, we look for the girls with the dog poop on their shoeizz.

Them or the ones that stare at our bulges. Either is good.

 

[center_stage]

i disagree slightly, HM: i think he'll notice when there's suddenly no sex.

ed

I think he will to, considering that we rarely have sex, so when he wants it I'll just say no.

 

[averageblonde]

I would suggest giving him the letter because it seems like he doesn't respond to your current attempts to break it off. Maybe he's afraid to lose you and therefore tries to make everything a joke so it won't happen.

I think a letter is a great idea because it's something permanent that he can have, and he can refer to it, unlike talking which can sometimes be very messy.

Good luck, and I wish you all the best.

 

[silverwhisper]

except he doesn't seem to care.

ed

 

[Phaedre]

I have done the letter thing myself and I agree with the others, it gives far too much control to the recipient, far better to keep it as a reminder for yourself.

Also it is entirely possible for them to misread/misconstrue what you have said in it even if you have been totally direct.

 

[budgieboy]

I would suggest giving him the letter because it seems like he doesn't respond to your current attempts to break it off. Maybe he's afraid to lose you and therefore tries to make everything a joke so it won't happen.

I think a letter is a great idea because it's something permanent that he can have, and he can refer to it, unlike talking which can sometimes be very messy.

Good luck, and I wish you all the best.

.........and hey ( hiya Leslie ) an email would work just as fine too.

Craig
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