brand new story

[chan69]

Hey guys,
My latest story has been posted.
The link is

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=154858


Please read and give your feedbacks and vote for it.

 

[jon_jones]

It just doesn't seem believable, sorry. The action moves too quick (something I and a lot of other authors on lit are guilty of, you're not alone).

The dialogue and the action just doesn't ring true.

Certain phrases stand out that show English isn't your first language. There is no such term as "cousin brother" and I presume you mean "they got on well together" when you say "they got off well together." And those are just in the opening paragraphs.

Maybe if you wrote in your own language and submitted to the non-english section it would work better, god knows I couldn't write in anything other than English.

j-j

 

[MaxSebastian]

Well I took a look at your story, and I think that it is readable and you have a style that probably could lead you to creating some good stories - but I think you need to work at it.

The most striking thing about this piece is its simplicity. The situation isn't the most original there is, but can certainly be worked into something sensual and exciting. But, I think you rushed it.

You've essentially crammed the backstory into the first and second paragraphs - I'd call it inexperience, it's a trap that many writers in Literotica fall into. You've rushed to set up the situation, rushed to tell us who is involved, rushed to get the husband out of the way and on with the sex. I think that's a mistake: we don't know much about your characters, we don't know much about who they are and how they respond to each other.

Here's a rule that you should try: show us, don't tell us.

It's essentially pretty boring to read solid paragraphs of backstory, and I think that may be why you rushed it. Instead, you should get some real-time action going. Even if you take us through the arrival of Vicky into the home of Raj and the meeting between himself and Anita. You can drop the odd line in every now and then explaining the backstory, but it's best to mix it in with the action.

Doing so, you should find you don't rush it, and you can build up some suspense in your story. There wasn't any suspense here, and that is one of the best things about effective erotic stories. Whether it's fleeting glances between Vicky and Anita or a little out-and-out flirtation, you can really get some reader interest in these characters before you get to the love scenes.

You can also play around a bit with the dynamics: explore the relationship of the three of them - one of the interesting things about this relationship is how forbidden it is. Yet you rushed it, you had Vicky bursting in on Anita, she expresses disgust for about five minutes before rushing in to virtually jump Vicky's bones.

And as well as dispensing with the suspense, your tendency to rush also produced another downside: the story lacked believability. For those two to suddenly jump on each other like they did was unbelievable. It did not fly. It seemed unnatural, unrealistic. These stories are fantasies, they are escaping reality - but they should not be so unrealistic that it irritates the reader, and by rushing the way you did, I think your characters were quite unrealistic. You'll also need to look at the dialogue a little: it sounded stilted, it did not sound like something someone would actually say. Read it aloud to yourself if you're unsure. Does it sound natural?

You have a lot of promise, though, I think. you have a clear readable style and that is definitely something that can be developed. Just don't rush. Put some flirting in there, put some foreplay. Write with all five of your senses, not just sight and sound.

Hope that helps,

Max

 

[chan69]

authors reply

thanks , max. that should really help.
will try out the things you mentioned, in my next story.
About Jon's suggestion of writing in my own language, well I have taken formal education in English, but it may be rusty .
If I write in my language then you guys will not be able to read it and I will have a limited audience.
So please bear with me guys till I improve.

Chan